Shame

dprpantsnpypants

dprpantsnpypants

Est. Contributor
Messages
49
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
Haven't posted for a long time... been struggling with marital issues and things are coming to a head now. Here is one aspect of what's going on...

My wife often says that I should ask for what I want. This is very hard for me as I don't take 'no' very well. She says it is because of the shame I feel and associate with my love of diapers. I have started talking to my individual therapist about this but there are so many other things to talk about.... I think my wife is of the opinion that it is something I have to deal with myself, or on an individual basis with my own therapist. But in my mind, it would be good if she could help me with it. What do I mean? My wife could help by being encouraging and supportive when I am wearing a diaper rather than trying to ignore it or worse yet, making some negative comment like 'that's the second time this week you've worn a diaper.' What do people think about this? Do our 'no so willing' partners have some obligation to help us feel more comfortable with our feelings towards diapers, or, is the shame we feel 100% our own problem to deal with by ourselves??
 
Seeing as nobody has chimed in here, I will try.

Put the shoe on the other foot, that is, if your wife had some predilection...anything at all, that she was struggling with; wouldn't she want your ear, your support?

Now if that issue was REALLY bothering her, I think that she would think that it is doubly important that you support her, help her.

With that said, the marital diaper dynamic is very unique. It seems that the majority of us on this site are male. The vast minority have either tacit or supportive partners. It comes down to, this is different, this is not a societal norm, will my husband stop being my man and just be a dependent that I have to take care of? What will my friends think if they find out? I have no one that I can talk to....

Is the shame that you feel being driven by your wife or do you feel ashamed despite what she might think? I remember before I told my wife about this side of myself, the shame was self induced. I thought that no woman could possibly accept this in a man, how could I have these feelings, how could this possibly be me? In my case I was wrong. When my wife accepted this side of me, the shame was gone. I still felt embarrassed for a bit, but that went away too. Now, I felt normal, I was loved and accepted. She said, "this is part of you, and I love you."

I really think that wives are reluctant to accept this in their husbands as it destroys the image they have of their "man". They are rightfully afraid of loosing their man so they try and either belittle this behavior or ignore it, hoping that it will wither and die on the vine. What they do not understand in many cases is that their relationships can be sooo much better by accepting this side of their SO. It creates a bond, a dynamic that can be amazing. SO's need to realize that in most cases they are not loosing their man, he is still in tact. But now they have another softer and gentler man as well. Done correctly by both partners it is a 2 for 1 deal. What the man has to realize is that this is not a one way street. That as much support as they desire from their wife, they must be prepared to double down on their own manly duties...be a good provider, be loyal, treat their wives like a queen, show them the same love that the wife is giving them.

Bottom line, as with any issue that a man or a woman struggles with in a relationship, I think that the partner should be supportive and encouraging. Absent that you have a therapist, and this really seems to be bothering you, maybe this should be the "most important" thing that you discuss with him.
 
I think the root of the problem here may be about women objectifying men.

Society forcefully imprints a fantasy of what qualities make a "real" man or "real" woman. Both sexes hear it from birth. Neither sex is solely to blame. Those that do not conform strongly will eventually come into conflict with it. Although the stereotypes continue to exist for both sexes, women seem to have had much more success in casting off this objectification than men have.

Ideally, the issue of your ABDL needs should have been settled before marriage. But, people continue to evolve and mature after marriage just as they did before it. And, talking about this is extra scary for us we because of the burden of fear and shame that society heaps upon us. So, it's understandable.

It sounds like your wife is clinging to a fantasy of what a man should be. She is not loving you unconditionally. But if you didn't tell her before marriage, then it's understandable that she is reacting this way. She would have been expecting for her husband to conform to her fantasy. I suspect that many women's' libidos may also be tied to that objectification of men. So, that might be something that she is angry about but isn't telling you.

I think that your wife is absolutely wrong about making you deal with this problem by yourself. For better or worse, she made marriage vows to you. That's supposed to mean that you both are in this together. The marriage that you share is both of your responsibilities - not yours alone.

You could try speaking to her about these topics. Remind her that you want to be loved as a whole person, not just as her fantasy. Carefully consider whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with her. And consider if she is worth suppressing the ABDL part of you.

Keep in mind that everyone is born with the need to be nurtured, comforted, loved, and accepted. It is natural to want a parental figure. Most people seem to grow out of the need of a parental figure. But, not everyone does.

I don't know if speaking with a therapist is worthwhile. It probably depends a lot on the personality, training, and experience of the therapist. I don't know how you are supposed to anticipate the reaction of a therapist before asking the question, though.
 
Last edited:
Thank-you for your comments. You asked about the shame and whether or not is being driven by my wife. It's hard to say. Before I involved her (I did tell her before we got married) there was absolutely nobody else who knew - it was 100% my secret and so I don't think there was a great deal of shame involved except for the few occasions where I almost got found out! Shame is very much a response to what other people think (or what we think other people are thinking) and so if nobody else knows then the only time shame is present is when we go to the store to buy diapers or something. Butt when that act is done the shame evaporates.

I am very happy that you have it sorted and feel loved and accepted. After 20 years, I do not feel accepted. If I ask her in a controlled environment then she would say that she has accepted me. But she would also say that if there was a little button that could be pressed to make it go away then she would press it. I think knowledge of that is always on my mind.

Thanks again!!

littlemoosey said:
Seeing as nobody has chimed in here, I will try.

Put the shoe on the other foot, that is, if your wife had some predilection...anything at all, that she was struggling with; wouldn't she want your ear, your support?

Now if that issue was REALLY bothering her, I think that she would think that it is doubly important that you support her, help her.

With that said, the marital diaper dynamic is very unique. It seems that the majority of us on this site are male. The vast minority have either tacit or supportive partners. It comes down to, this is different, this is not a societal norm, will my husband stop being my man and just be a dependent that I have to take care of? What will my friends think if they find out? I have no one that I can talk to....

Is the shame that you feel being driven by your wife or do you feel ashamed despite what she might think? I remember before I told my wife about this side of myself, the shame was self induced. I thought that no woman could possibly accept this in a man, how could I have these feelings, how could this possibly be me? In my case I was wrong. When my wife accepted this side of me, the shame was gone. I still felt embarrassed for a bit, but that went away too. Now, I felt normal, I was loved and accepted. She said, "this is part of you, and I love you."

I really think that wives are reluctant to accept this in their husbands as it destroys the image they have of their "man". They are rightfully afraid of loosing their man so they try and either belittle this behavior or ignore it, hoping that it will wither and die on the vine. What they do not understand in many cases is that their relationships can be sooo much better by accepting this side of their SO. It creates a bond, a dynamic that can be amazing. SO's need to realize that in most cases they are not loosing their man, he is still in tact. But now they have another softer and gentler man as well. Done correctly by both partners it is a 2 for 1 deal. What the man has to realize is that this is not a one way street. That as much support as they desire from their wife, they must be prepared to double down on their own manly duties...be a good provider, be loyal, treat their wives like a queen, show them the same love that the wife is giving them.

Bottom line, as with any issue that a man or a woman struggles with in a relationship, I think that the partner should be supportive and encouraging. Absent that you have a therapist, and this really seems to be bothering you, maybe this should be the "most important" thing that you discuss with him.
Click to expand...
 
I'm sorry to hear that she had her eyes open going into this. You were up front. I hope that you can find common ground where she doesn't not make you feel badly about this very "unique" side to you.
 
Back
Top