Wuggle
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So you’ve decided you want a security object. Something snuggly and comforting that can make you feel better when you’re scared or lonely or the world feels too big. I commend you on your decision, such objects have been extensively studied, and it’s been scientifically proven that the psychological benefit they have is far-reaching and powerful. But why am I making this guide you ask? Surely it is a trivial matter to pick up a blanket or teddy bear and tote it around. It is not that simple however, and I would like to use my own experience of bonding with a security object, coupled with my studies in psychology, to help you form your own unique connection with your lovey.
Step One: Choosing your Object
This step is much more complex than picking up the first stuffed animal or blanket you see in a shop and deciding to make it a security object. The bond must be natural and organic, it cannot be forced, rushed, or artificially created. There are several key factors to consider when choosing your object.
1. Decide what kind of object you want. Will it be a blanket? A stuffed animal or doll? Something else? Consider the qualities you want your object to have. Do you want a brave friend who can fight off monsters? A stuffed animal can do this. Do you want something functional that you can hide under and create physical safe spaces with? A blanket does this well. Do you want something small to keep with you discreetly at all times? A special stone, marble or figurine may work nicely.
2. Once you’ve determined the basic qualities of the object you want, get into details. If you want a stuffed animal, what species? Floppy or firm? Realistic or anthropomorphic? For blankets, what type of fabric? Fluffy and warm, or thin and good for all weather conditions? Bonding will be made easier if you choose traits that have special emotional meaning to you. Pick an animal species that’s meaningful, for example, or choose a fabric print that makes you feel happy and safe when you look at it. For instance, my favourite colour is red, but I chose minty green ribbon to line the outside of my blanket with, because that colour has more of an emotional connection to my childhood than red does, and subsequently increases the feeling of security and safety that I get from my blanket.
3. Size is another important factor. Do you want an object that’s large and easy to snuggle with and that makes you feel small, or something smaller, more portable, and more discreet that you can carry out and about, or in a purse or backpack without anyone noticing? My blanket is 36x36 inches, about the size of a typical baby blanket. It folds up small and fits nicely in my small backpack without being bulky, and I can feel good knowing it’s always with me.
4. You don’t have to get it right the very first time. You can choose an object and try it out for a while. If you find that you’re struggling to bond with it, or aren’t feeling much emotional connection, it’s okay to find something else and try again. I went through six different blankets over a number of years before finally finding the one that was right for me. Take your time and be open to any and all feelings that come up as you go through the bonding process, and don’t feel obligated to stick with an object that isn’t working.
Step Two: Choosing a Name
A very important aspect of bonding with a security object is giving it a name. This is a process that is very personal, and can too easily be rushed and done carelessly.
1. Pick a name that has special emotional meaning to you. It doesn’t have to be fancy or original, it just has to be something that makes you feel good when saying it. If you have a stuffed wolf that you want to name Wolfie, because it was the name of a toy you had as a child, that’s great, but if you’re naming it Wolfie because you can’t think of anything better, wait a while. Eventually you’ll stumble across a name that fits well for you.
2. Names aren’t just for stuffed animals. Naming your blanket, stone, or other object is important because it marks it as truly yours. You branded it with a meaningful name, and it has been distinguished and set apart from all the other ordinary blankets and stones in the world. You can use a traditional name, or you can go with a cute nickname that’s special to you. Examples of such names include things like Nanuk, Snuggly, Wubbie, Moosh, or the classic Blankie. My blanket’s name is Moggie. I chose it because I wanted a name that evoked feelings of softness and warmth, as well as being a word that an actual small child might use, which adds to my feeling of security when I say it.
Step Three: The Bonding Process
Okay, now you have an object that has emotional value to you, and a name that reflects that value. So how do you actually start bonding with it? This is where the psychology comes into play.
1. Trigger a conditioned response. This means training your unconscious mind to automatically associate your object with feelings of comfort and security. This is actually quite simple to do, as long as you remain consistent.
- To start out, pay close attention to when you are feeling naturally calm, comfortable and relaxed, and make sure to interact naturally and gently with your object during those times. Hug and talk to your stuffed animal while sitting in the garden, feel your blanket against your face or wrapped around you while watching TV in the evening, or at night as you fall asleep. This will teach your brain to associate your object with calm, comfort and relaxation. This is also the step during which you will be able to identify whether or not you chose a good object to bond with, or if you’ll need to look for something else.
- After you’ve begun to develop the connection between your object and good feelings by having it with you when those feelings naturally occur, you can begin practising the reverse; having the object itself be the trigger for positive emotions. To do this will require patience and quiet mindfulness. Find some time during the day, every day, to just sit quietly and relax. Have your object with you, and pay attention to it. How does it feel in your hands? How does it smell? What patterns can you identify in the fabric? Feel the eyes, are they plastic, or embroidered? Are they all black, or do they have irises? As you’re calmly thinking about these things, take deep, slow breaths. You can close your eyes, listen to calming sounds, music or meditation, or just sit in the silence, whatever makes you feel most at peace. You can do this for as long or as little as you like, as long as you do it every day until the bond is fully formed. Never force yourself to do it if you’re restless or in an uncomfortable head space, and end the exercise as soon as you feel any kind of negative interruption like anxiety or stress. The goal is to make your object full of positive associations, and completely devoid of negative ones. It is to become your own tiny patch of paradise, where nothing bad can ever happen.
- Once you’re able to pick up or look at your object and have it automatically evoke positive feelings, you’re ready to put it to the test where it matters. Whenever you feel a negative emotion, fear, anger, sadness, etc., get your object and concentrate on it. Use it in a way that you find most calming; stroke it, hide under it, wrap up in it, hug it, etc. and take slow deep breaths. As you do so, try to bring up the memories of your calm, mindful time together. Monitor your feelings and see if they get better or worse. If they get worse, put your object away to avoid negative emotional transference, and try again the next time a negative emotion comes up. If they get better, focus on that feeling. You can silently track your emotional progress, or think or say out loud some variation of, “I’m safe because [name] is here”, or, “[name] is helping me feel more [positive emotion that you’re experiencing]”.
The mind is a very powerful tool, and it won’t be long before you discover how much calmer and more secure you feel with your security object around. If any of you have such objects, or have further suggestions for enabling effective bonding, I’d love to hear about them below!
Step One: Choosing your Object
This step is much more complex than picking up the first stuffed animal or blanket you see in a shop and deciding to make it a security object. The bond must be natural and organic, it cannot be forced, rushed, or artificially created. There are several key factors to consider when choosing your object.
1. Decide what kind of object you want. Will it be a blanket? A stuffed animal or doll? Something else? Consider the qualities you want your object to have. Do you want a brave friend who can fight off monsters? A stuffed animal can do this. Do you want something functional that you can hide under and create physical safe spaces with? A blanket does this well. Do you want something small to keep with you discreetly at all times? A special stone, marble or figurine may work nicely.
2. Once you’ve determined the basic qualities of the object you want, get into details. If you want a stuffed animal, what species? Floppy or firm? Realistic or anthropomorphic? For blankets, what type of fabric? Fluffy and warm, or thin and good for all weather conditions? Bonding will be made easier if you choose traits that have special emotional meaning to you. Pick an animal species that’s meaningful, for example, or choose a fabric print that makes you feel happy and safe when you look at it. For instance, my favourite colour is red, but I chose minty green ribbon to line the outside of my blanket with, because that colour has more of an emotional connection to my childhood than red does, and subsequently increases the feeling of security and safety that I get from my blanket.
3. Size is another important factor. Do you want an object that’s large and easy to snuggle with and that makes you feel small, or something smaller, more portable, and more discreet that you can carry out and about, or in a purse or backpack without anyone noticing? My blanket is 36x36 inches, about the size of a typical baby blanket. It folds up small and fits nicely in my small backpack without being bulky, and I can feel good knowing it’s always with me.
4. You don’t have to get it right the very first time. You can choose an object and try it out for a while. If you find that you’re struggling to bond with it, or aren’t feeling much emotional connection, it’s okay to find something else and try again. I went through six different blankets over a number of years before finally finding the one that was right for me. Take your time and be open to any and all feelings that come up as you go through the bonding process, and don’t feel obligated to stick with an object that isn’t working.
Step Two: Choosing a Name
A very important aspect of bonding with a security object is giving it a name. This is a process that is very personal, and can too easily be rushed and done carelessly.
1. Pick a name that has special emotional meaning to you. It doesn’t have to be fancy or original, it just has to be something that makes you feel good when saying it. If you have a stuffed wolf that you want to name Wolfie, because it was the name of a toy you had as a child, that’s great, but if you’re naming it Wolfie because you can’t think of anything better, wait a while. Eventually you’ll stumble across a name that fits well for you.
2. Names aren’t just for stuffed animals. Naming your blanket, stone, or other object is important because it marks it as truly yours. You branded it with a meaningful name, and it has been distinguished and set apart from all the other ordinary blankets and stones in the world. You can use a traditional name, or you can go with a cute nickname that’s special to you. Examples of such names include things like Nanuk, Snuggly, Wubbie, Moosh, or the classic Blankie. My blanket’s name is Moggie. I chose it because I wanted a name that evoked feelings of softness and warmth, as well as being a word that an actual small child might use, which adds to my feeling of security when I say it.
Step Three: The Bonding Process
Okay, now you have an object that has emotional value to you, and a name that reflects that value. So how do you actually start bonding with it? This is where the psychology comes into play.
1. Trigger a conditioned response. This means training your unconscious mind to automatically associate your object with feelings of comfort and security. This is actually quite simple to do, as long as you remain consistent.
- To start out, pay close attention to when you are feeling naturally calm, comfortable and relaxed, and make sure to interact naturally and gently with your object during those times. Hug and talk to your stuffed animal while sitting in the garden, feel your blanket against your face or wrapped around you while watching TV in the evening, or at night as you fall asleep. This will teach your brain to associate your object with calm, comfort and relaxation. This is also the step during which you will be able to identify whether or not you chose a good object to bond with, or if you’ll need to look for something else.
- After you’ve begun to develop the connection between your object and good feelings by having it with you when those feelings naturally occur, you can begin practising the reverse; having the object itself be the trigger for positive emotions. To do this will require patience and quiet mindfulness. Find some time during the day, every day, to just sit quietly and relax. Have your object with you, and pay attention to it. How does it feel in your hands? How does it smell? What patterns can you identify in the fabric? Feel the eyes, are they plastic, or embroidered? Are they all black, or do they have irises? As you’re calmly thinking about these things, take deep, slow breaths. You can close your eyes, listen to calming sounds, music or meditation, or just sit in the silence, whatever makes you feel most at peace. You can do this for as long or as little as you like, as long as you do it every day until the bond is fully formed. Never force yourself to do it if you’re restless or in an uncomfortable head space, and end the exercise as soon as you feel any kind of negative interruption like anxiety or stress. The goal is to make your object full of positive associations, and completely devoid of negative ones. It is to become your own tiny patch of paradise, where nothing bad can ever happen.
- Once you’re able to pick up or look at your object and have it automatically evoke positive feelings, you’re ready to put it to the test where it matters. Whenever you feel a negative emotion, fear, anger, sadness, etc., get your object and concentrate on it. Use it in a way that you find most calming; stroke it, hide under it, wrap up in it, hug it, etc. and take slow deep breaths. As you do so, try to bring up the memories of your calm, mindful time together. Monitor your feelings and see if they get better or worse. If they get worse, put your object away to avoid negative emotional transference, and try again the next time a negative emotion comes up. If they get better, focus on that feeling. You can silently track your emotional progress, or think or say out loud some variation of, “I’m safe because [name] is here”, or, “[name] is helping me feel more [positive emotion that you’re experiencing]”.
The mind is a very powerful tool, and it won’t be long before you discover how much calmer and more secure you feel with your security object around. If any of you have such objects, or have further suggestions for enabling effective bonding, I’d love to hear about them below!
