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Thread: Relapse Into Darkness And Yet Going On

  1. #1

    Default Relapse Into Darkness And Yet Going On

    Hey guys,

    Sorry I haven't been like very post-y lately. I am afraid I have relapsed into a very bad depression. And no, it has nothing to do with moving to Mexico. I love it here. The problem is my illness, my Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder that likes to destroy me from in and out. I have been seeing my doctor, and he has tripled my medication, which has me stupid all day. Also, we are starting to consider alternatives, more drastic measures, as it seems my depression is as deep as the past 10 months that take me back to 10 years.

    It sucks.

    I feel anxious all the time, and I want to hurt myself. I don't do it but it doesn't help the darkness.

    Today I was a little bit better.

    I love you guys.
    kik91

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kik91 View Post
    Hey guys,

    Sorry I haven't been like very post-y lately. I am afraid I have relapsed into a very bad depression. And no, it has nothing to do with moving to Mexico. I love it here. The problem is my illness, my Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder that likes to destroy me from in and out. I have been seeing my doctor, and he has tripled my medication, which has me stupid all day. Also, we are starting to consider alternatives, more drastic measures, as it seems my depression is as deep as the past 10 months that take me back to 10 years.

    It sucks.

    I feel anxious all the time, and I want to hurt myself. I don't do it but it doesn't help the darkness.

    Today I was a little bit better.

    I love you guys.
    kik91
    I'm glad you were a little better today but it sounds like it over all sucks. Today was a hard day for me too. It would have been me and my wife's wedding anniversary. Two of my kids called today. The other one is camping with his family. I'm seeing a shrink on Thursday. I'm not sure what he'll do. Sometimes I just walk around the house with little to no desire to do anything. I had some work to do and I did that, but I'm mad at my church because they hired someone I didn't want as our praise band leader. I hate to be on a hiring committee, the only one with a degree in music and 50 years of professional experience, and then not taken seriously. It only adds to my depression.

    I'm also sorry they had to triple your medication. I don't want to be zombieized with medication. I guess I'll know more on Thursday. I don't feel right either, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm in a bad place. I suppose you feel the same way? Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe we'll both feel better.

    Hugs......

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    I'm glad you were a little better today but it sounds like it over all sucks. Today was a hard day for me too. It would have been me and my wife's wedding anniversary. Two of my kids called today. The other one is camping with his family. I'm seeing a shrink on Thursday. I'm not sure what he'll do. Sometimes I just walk around the house with little to no desire to do anything. I had some work to do and I did that, but I'm mad at my church because they hired someone I didn't want as our praise band leader. I hate to be on a hiring committee, the only one with a degree in music and 50 years of professional experience, and then not taken seriously. It only adds to my depression.

    I'm also sorry they had to triple your medication. I don't want to be zombieized with medication. I guess I'll know more on Thursday. I don't feel right either, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm in a bad place. I suppose you feel the same way? Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe we'll both feel better.

    Hugs......
    I'm so sorry dogboy.

    Yeah, it's been tough. My mom cried the other day... and day before. I was just so bad. I felt better today, but we're like running out of options. And the meds are altering me a lot, making me drowsy or the opposite. But I know WE can make it through.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kik91 View Post
    Yeah, it's been tough. My mom cried the other day... and day before. I was just so bad. I felt better today, but we're like running out of options. And the meds are altering me a lot, making me drowsy or the opposite. But I know WE can make it through.
    Well, you know your mom cried because she loves you and wants you to feel better. It's wonderful that your parents support you in the many ways that they do. They're like my wife: one of a kind.

  5. #5

    Default

    Mental health problems really do suck, I have been dealing with them since my final year of high school (09-10), and from time to time it is like I am back where I started, I hate life and wish I was dead; not that I ever develop plans to do anything (I haven't even Self Harmed in years), but I dont always do things that are in my best interest and I have took risks with alcohol and medication before.

    The good news is, things seem to be on an upswing since I got done working at my last job (it could have been wonderful if the company I was working for was more serious (firing lazy people and demanding that people dont be lazy, and also didn't blame employees when it is their fault for keeping the lazy workers), knew what they were doing (if I had any sort of power they would of been a lot more efficient and work would be about work, nothing else) , and most of all actually paid a fair wage for the level of work they expect, and made some effort to make their best workers happy.

    I was working there for over 5 years, I always showed up (even though some days I should have stayed home and recovered, I was stubborn and tried to work; I ended up having to go home after on several occasions after 2 or 3 hours because I couldn't just power through), worked a lot of overtime (most of which was voluntary), did great work across at least 2/3rds of the factory on almost any line or position they put me on; and they had me back down to minimum wage several times.

    My final wage there was .26 above minimum wage, I just started a new job at a factory 10 minutes out of town, and I already make over 4.70 an hour above minimum wage and it's not even that hard, it's just a busy job where I don't get much time to do nothing, but I didn't get much lazy time at my last job either.

    I guess the main driving point is, life is hard, but you can power through it and get to a better point, you just have to keep trying, you can do it guys, I know you can.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kik91 View Post
    Hey guys,

    Sorry I haven't been like very post-y lately. I am afraid I have relapsed into a very bad depression. And no, it has nothing to do with moving to Mexico. I love it here. The problem is my illness, my Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder that likes to destroy me from in and out. I have been seeing my doctor, and he has tripled my medication, which has me stupid all day. Also, we are starting to consider alternatives, more drastic measures, as it seems my depression is as deep as the past 10 months that take me back to 10 years.

    It sucks.

    I feel anxious all the time, and I want to hurt myself. I don't do it but it doesn't help the darkness.

    Today I was a little bit better.

    I love you guys.
    kik91
    Sorry I didn't see this until you said something. To be honest, I don't understand depression. It isn't something I suffer from, as a result, I have a hard time understanding why others do. I'm glad to hear you are making DL friends in Mexico though; if anything will help that should. I don't know how to IM here yet, this site seems very foreign to me. If you'll IM me I have some information to share with you. As Chief Daniel said in the movie "The Outlaw Jose Wales", "Continue to endeavor to persevere."
    Sissy Kathy.

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