First off: My mind is completely frenzied right now. I can't hold onto one thought for more than a few minutes, so don't expect anything smooth out of me.
That being said, I am not going to be able to fully explain myself in this one post. I expect a lot of questions, and I am asking for you all to ask me a lot of questions, so that I can answer them to the best of my ability and get you all to understand the entire story. Ask me questions.
In order to get as much onto this screen as I can, I'm going to do this bit by bit, okay? Great..
Okay.. I was at work, I got off at 9:40 p.m., and saw a movie. After the movie was after at 12:00 a.m., I decided to stay and hang out with some of the employees who were working for the after prom that was at the theater. I was having fun while they cleaned one of the theaters. I was jumping on the chairs, spinning around, twisting in the air, twirling one of the brooms around... We were having fun. I followed them outside while they were getting rid of some trashbags, and one of the male employees was laughing and tried to close the door on them (which would lock them outside). I laughed as I pushed the door open to stop him. We started "struggling". Him to close the door, and me to keep it open. One of the girl employees, Sarah, yelled at me to leave if I wasn't going to help. I just.. sank... Shifted the weight of my backpack onto my left shoulder, and walked away, silent...
Who is Sarah?
Sarah is one of the people who I've told a lot about me. She knows that I'm transgendered, and she knows that I'm a TB. I'm almost always a little girl around her, which is why I was playing and having fun while they were cleaning. I'm always eager to be around her. I'm clingy to the few people who know all about me, some in particular, and she is one of those "some". But she tends to ignore me. She doesn't answer any message that I send her, and then after a week or so she'll say that she's been busy with "whatever" for all that time. She's always busy. But she always seems happy to see me, and she always smiles around me. She doesn't act annoyed.. But every time she leaves to go somewhere, I'll get hurt, and every time I see her, I start to hurt again.
What do I mean by "when she leaves"?
There are a lot of times when we'll both be working in the same area, selling movie tickets. She absolutely hates being in there, and I know that, but even with that knowledge, every time she leaves to go do something else for 45 minutes at a time, I think in the back of my mind that she is leaving to get away from me.
What do I mean by "hurt"?
I get depressed. I can't bear to look at her, even though I keep looking for her. Whatever mood I'm in is automatically replaced with a solemn, dull mood. I start to get sarcastic, and, lately, as I've gotten more upset with her, I've gotten more angry toward her, which is why I'm posting this now.
Oh, and one more thing... She's always saying that she likes me, and isn't annoyed with me. I've asked her many times, out of fear, if she actually likes talking to me, and she always says she does, and smiles, and I feel better until she looks away.
Remember, I want you guys to ask questions, I want you to understand. I'm willing to answer any question regarding anything at all, to an extent.
My question in all of this is: What do you guys see?
I want to know what I seem like from the eyes of someone else. I keep thinking that she's annoyed with me, but she says she isn't, and I'm sure she is. I want to know what you all think...
And I'm sure it's fairly clear that, no matter what it looks like, I don't want to hear that I should leave her alone. I know it's stupid of me to reject something like that, but it's not what I'm going to accept, so we may as well acknowledge now that I am looking for a sympathetic view, so ask all the questions you guys need to ask in order to see things that way.
I understand that I'm being a socio-pathic, depressed, idiot right now, but I really don't want to think about it.
Here's what made me want to write this...
After I walked away from her, to go home, I started to text her.
[Name] signifies the person who was locking them out.Originally Posted by Text sent to both Sarah and the other girl who was going to be locked out.
Originally Posted by Text sent to Sarah ten minutes laterOriginally Posted by Text sent to Sarah 24 minutes later, after I'd gotten home and was laying in bedA couple notes: She never responded to any text message, I sent these one after another without any response.Originally Posted by Text sent to Sarah 1 minute later, with the intent of sending it right after the previous text
She still hasn't responded, but she is working, so I can understand why she wouldn't... I simply don't believe that to be the true reason..
I've never actually told her how upset I get, but I've wanted to. I want her to know that I'm upset, that way, I'll be able to tell with 100% certainty whether she cares about me or not. But, since I also want people to notice that I'm upset and take action on their own, I've never actually told her that I get depressed over her actions. This is the only time I've ever conveyed to her that I was upset, in any way.
I'm surprised I was able to get that much out...
Questions time, I guess...