Bad Parenting

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Starlight99

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Am I the only one here who had awful parents? I don't mean bad parenting decisions, I mean bad parents. I'm pretty sure there's a thread on here somewhere, but I couldn't find it.

Not to sound like I'm the piss-and-moan type, but here's what I've had to deal with. I had a father who didn't care about anything but himself, and he sat around blowing me off for his whole life. He always accused my mother of cheating on him, and went so far as to slip notes in my door that said "Your mother's a whore," "Your mother has a boyfriend," and more of the like. He always tried to put me against her, going so far as to steal from me and destroy my property just so he could blame it on her and start a fight. He had three kids from a previous marriage that not only couldn't stand him, but turned out just like him, which goes to show that he struck out outside of this house as well. When he died, I didn't even miss him, and I was actually happy to have him gone because I wouldn't have to put up with him and his abuse anymore.

My mother was physically and verbally abusive my whole life, and even though the physical abuse stopped at age 12, the verbal abuse continues to this day. One of the worst things that she said is that I was put up for adoption because my real family knew what a piece of shit I would be, and that the only reason my mother settled for me is because she knew no one else would want me. She told me that story at least once a week, and it always broke my heart. However, at age 11, I found out that my father (who, like I said, had always accused my mother of cheating on him) had secretly ordered a DNA test off of the TV and tested me behind my back, and it revealed that he was my biological father, which makes my mother my biological mother by default. I only found the results in the mail when I recognized the logo on the envelope as being from the same lab that does the DNA tests for The Maury Povich Show. My mother stole the results from me and still refuses to acknowledge the existence of the results or what the results say. She also refuses to take another test, and says that I should just accept the fact that I'm not biologically hers because she couldn't make a child like me. Another great lie of hers is that I have dozens of mental illnesses (including, but not limited to, Autism, Asperger's Syndrome, ADD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and a slew of others), and she has used that to both get government benefits and get attention and sympathy from others. As a side effect of that (which benefits her greatly), she uses these diagnoses (which have only been backed up by two doctors who later lost their licenses) as leverage to get people to work for her and/or against me. She also has a really dirty trick that she likes to do: if she's either bored or something isn't going her way, she calls the police and says I assault her. She's had me do things that are beyond reason, including calling one of my father's other children for the sake of getting dirt on her and covering my neighbor's car in snow for parking in an area that my mother considers hers. When I told her neighbor off for abusing her child, my mother called 911 and said I attacked her, and I was arrested for assault, and my mother is elongating the legal proceedings as much as possible. She has cost me almost all of my friendships, all of my family, all three of my jobs (one of which she was jealous at the fact that I earned more than her), and almost all of my money, and she enjoys that. It has gotten to the point that I have even attempted to kill myself to get away from her. No matter what I tell her or how bad she makes me feel, she doesn't care. She'll either mock me for my emotions, justify what she said or did, deny that she said or did something, or fight over minute details that don't matter. She can never be wrong about anything, and that's why the problems have never improved. Not only is she a doctor shopper, she is also a therapist shopper. She has tried to get therapists involved since I was 11 for the sole purpose of changing me to make it easier for her. Every time a therapist set plan for her to improve herself, she called the case manager to say that that person wasn't doing a good-enough job. Needless to say, therapy never worked out. It's gotten to the point that I decided the best way to handle our relationship was to end it, and once she figured that out, she chipped away at all of my money until I couldn't afford to move out, and now she wants to force me back into the rat race of therapy, which as I said, was 7 years of non-productivity. She has no intentions of fixing our family, which is not possible. She wants me to just live by her and for her, and I refuse to do so. I have told her that our relationship needs to end, and that just makes her cause even more problems. This treatment isn't exclusive to me; she does this to everyone. She has a nasty name for everyone, including tons of names that could offend every race, religion, orientation, and disability out there. It's not even a case of "you're black so you're beneath me" or "you're gay so you're beneath me", it's a case of "you're not me so you're beneath me". She's not biased toward black people or LGBT people or mentally disabled people, she's biased toward any person who's not her. In her mind, everyone else on earth is below her, and they all owe her attention and adoration for some unknown reason, and shame on those who don't give that to her. The problem with my mother is partially that, with the other part being that it won't stop. The first step of getting help is admitting you have a problem; since having any problem means that you're not entirely perfect, she can't do that, because in her mind, she has no problems. If she has problems, it's because you're viewing her wrong. Because she refuses to acknowledge that she has problems, she will never change.

My question is how can I cope with a mother like her? Also, are there any other threads on here that I can take a look at?
 
Yeah my mom married a very abusive man who emotionally, sexually and physically abused me. Slowly she became emotionally and physically abusive towards me even after she divorced him. That really happened until I moved out when I was 19.
 
As to the main question of how to cope… I think you answered it yourself: get away ASAP. From what you describe, she has some rather severe issues and is a negative influence in your life.

I've had my share of bad parents also. My stepmother was by far the worst; she was deliberately sadistic, and very intelligent / clever in the ways she went about it. She was well-read on child psychology, which provided her with better ammunition. Mind games were par for the course. One of her direct quotes that stung me as a child of about 10: "My books on parenting say to always be very positive with the child… but quite frankly, there's just nothing to be positive about dear." I could tell you many horror stories centering on her, but they make for uncomfortable reading. Like for example, the way she used to time, on her wristwatch, how long I took to chew each bite of steak at dinner, and how she would threaten to shove it down my throat if I took "too long" on any given bite. And how she followed through on that threat. I'd guess she probably got the idea from her books, which likely mentioned the importance of teaching children to eat slowly and chew food properly for better digestion.

My father I mostly feel sorry for, to be honest. He has some issues that often manifest in his being a genuine prick. Among other things, he is never wrong. Ever. Reality will bend as much as necessary to preserve the fundamental truth that he is not and never has been wrong about anything anywhere. You might know the type. He always insisted there was something wrong with me (ADD, Autism, etc) and even had my IQ tested to check for cognitive disability (hah, nope, definitely barking up the wrong tree there…). He refused to contribute to funding my college education, professing the opinion that I was incapable, which meant I had to borrow a large part of my "expected family contribution." My father was effectively replaced by Citibank at that point, so far as I was concerned…

My mother is much more complex. If I overlook the way she treats me, she's a very likable person. As far as I have been able to ascertain, she honestly believes that she loves and cares for me. The truth is more accurately that she loves and cares for "her child", a position I happen to occupy, but she doesn't know me very well as a person at all and doesn't care to. If I were not her child, she wouldn't even like me. I'm not the sort of person she would ever associate with or even respect. (And that in itself is rather interesting, because we share similar political ideologies, are both animal lovers, and even like some of the same music… but the commonalities stop about there, and she is unable to appreciate anything about me that she doesn't share interest in.)

I often lament the fact that so much of my life has been spent having to fight people, because I loathe fighting, but my parents were among the first and most significant enemies I had to learn how to defeat. It can be a very difficult learning curve. I think possibly most important thing, once you've eliminated her influence from your life, is to then live for yourself on your own terms and resist the temptation to draw contrasts or to frame your new life in context of what used to be. Win the battle, and then try not to let its shadow linger.

Best of luck. *hugs*
 
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Thank you both of you so far. Unfortunately, I know exactly what you went through, and even though some details are different, it all boils down to the same. Lots of love to both of you, and good luck in your situations, too! <3
 
Yes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself from your mother? Do you live at home with her or are you out on your own? I had wonderful parents, but they didn't really understand me. I was adopted so I was quite different from them in a number of ways. My senior year of college, my mom discovered my diapers and gay porn. She sent me to see a psychiatrist. I think she wanted me "cured". Upon graduation, I got a job and moved two states away. I eventually found my way and a life that worked for me.
 
Starlight, I'm so sorry you have to deal with such a horrible situation. I hope you can find a way out. In the meantime, there's a great organization called ASCA that could be a resource for you (and anyone else with a history of abusive parents.) If you aren't near a location where they hold meetings, they have a couple of online meeting options. Let me know if you have any trouble getting started with them. There's a book they published as well, that's a great introduction and guide.
 
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