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Thread: guarded regards

  1. #1

    Default guarded regards

    Edit: having read some of the newbie material, I decided to change my user name, so my apologies for the confusion if you read the first few replies addressing me as something else!

    Hi! I am approaching my 40th birthday, I've been married for 12 years and we have 4 children! I currently work full time as a stagehand for Cirque du Soliel. I am in charge of costumes that light up! I've also managed to get a speaking role in Transformers: Age of Extinction (which was a lot of fun and very rewarding for 1/2 day of work). I am also currently going back to school to get a PharmD degree (to become a pharmacist) in an accelerated program. Yes, my life is very full.

    I've had a diaper fetish for as long as I can remember, though I've never really enjoyed regression at all. Unfortunately, I made some poor choices early in my marriage that has turned my wife sour to the idea of me wearing diapers. I've managed to do without for the most part. There was even a point about a year ago when I felt in many ways free from diapers completely. It was amazing and humbling to experience that. However...

    On top of the high stress of family, full time work, and full time school, I was also working at Mandalay Bay during the October shooting in Las Vegas. The compounded stress has driven me back to the thing I knew to provide more than just a sexual fix, but comfort, stress relief, better sleep, joy, and bliss. I am currently hiding my diapers from my wife which I am ashamed. I am building the courage to approach the subject - perhaps when some of the stress of our lives has calmed down a bit (summer break cannot come fast enough).

    As for other interests, I'm a big fan of Joseph Campbell. I really enjoy reading and writing fantasy and exploring hero-types. I love personality tests and created one of my own based on a role-playing game I designed. But, honestly, I don't have much spare time lately, so my hobbies have mostly been shelved for now.

    I guess I joined this site because I was intrigued at some eloquent dialogues I'd run into. I'm interested in having a feeling of belonging with people who are intelligent and not completely consumed by this thing that can really occupy so much mental space if one lets it. Perhaps I'm hoping to find that balance within myself by reaching out to those I perceive as having that balance already.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by TrueHero; 17-May-2018 at 19:17.

  2. #2

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    Hello bladalio and welcome to the group.

    Very nice and informative introduction.

    Wow you are busy.

    I hope you can find the help an information that you need to gain understanding and self acceptance.

    Also I would suggest when you are ready to talk to your wife that you look at Baby Mitchy your tube video on "understanding adult babies". That is what I showed my wife and it helps.

    Again welcome to the group.

    Egor

  3. #3

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    Hi and welcome to the site. How awesome that you work both for Cirque du Soliel and did some voice over for a Transformer movie. I think you'll get a lot out of this site as we discuss a lot of different things. I would suggest that you know your wife best, so do what you think will work best for you. I told my wife long after we were married and she was very accepting, but we were both free spirits when we married.

  4. #4

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    Hello and welcome! Great intro! Wow, it sounds like you have a busy and interesting life! I hope you gather the courage to approach your wife with this. I don't know what the "poor choices" are that mentioned from early in your marriage, but perhaps enough time has passed to broach the topic again? Having shame attached to hiding your diaper wearing is obviously not conducive to your mental health, especially something that provides you such comfort, stress relief, and joy. I only recently had the discussion with my husband about my desire to wear diapers. I didn't just sit down one day and announce it, though. I've been a little for sometime, and this was a natural progression of that for me, so your mileage will vary, I know. I dropped several hints into our conversations before I ultimately had The Talk with him. These hints helped me to gauge his reaction to the idea. By the time we did chat about it, he'd already figured it out and was completely on board. I don't take for granted how fortunate I am in that regard! I do strongly feel that, when we come to our loved ones with these sorts of things, filled with angst and shame, then they are likely to react in kind... with their own angst, shame, and a fear of the unknown. (I heard someone once refer to this as akin to announcing that you have "diaper cancer," as in grim and scary and nothing anyone would want to be a part of.) When we approach them with an attitude of, "Hey, there's this really cool thing about me that helps me and makes me happy, and I'd really love for you to be on board," then more often than not, they'll respond much more positively. It's natural for our partners to want to see us happy and fulfilled. Sure, we might even have to spend some time educating them about what this means and what it doesn't mean since there is lots of misinformation out there, but even that's worth it in the end. I truly hope your wife can understand and embrace this part of you.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by egor View Post
    Also I would suggest when you are ready to talk to your wife that you look at Baby Mitchy your tube video on "understanding adult babies". That is what I showed my wife and it helps.
    Egor
    I’m new to post writing, so forgive me if the quote doesn’t work right. I do appreciate you reaching out, Egor. I’m interested in seeing what that video has to offer. I’m willing to consider anyone’s advice in this!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by bohorainbow View Post
    I don't know what the "poor choices" are that mentioned from early in your marriage, but perhaps enough time has passed to broach the topic again? Having shame attached to hiding your diaper wearing is obviously not conducive to your mental health, especially something that provides you such comfort, stress relief, and joy....
    (I heard someone once refer to this as akin to announcing that you have "diaper cancer," as in grim and scary and nothing anyone would want to be a part of.) When we approach them with an attitude of, "Hey, there's this really cool thing about me that helps me and makes me happy, and I'd really love for you to be on board," then more often than not, they'll respond much more positively. It's natural for our partners to want to see us happy and fulfilled. Sure, we might even have to spend some time educating them about what this means and what it doesn't mean since there is lots of misinformation out there, but even that's worth it in the end. I truly hope your wife can understand and embrace this part of you.
    I really like that diaper cancer vs. positive experience approach. Thank you for reaching out. It's really nice to hear from you.
    Although it is embarrassing, I suppose there’s no harm in saying what those mistakes were (aside from taking up a lot of post space). When I was dating and into early marriage, I was (in hindsight) young and didn’t know myself as well as I do now. I hadn’t really seen a therapist to deal with all this stuff. But enough with excuses. Basically, my wife knew before we were married that diapers were a sexual thing for me and that I’ve had diaper-sexual encounters with other guys in the past. Even into our marriage I continued to seek relationships with other guys that involved diapers. Even though I wasn’t explicitly or intentionally seeking sexual relationships, it got a little too close for comfort. I also sensed that my wife really didn’t like this part of me - in hindsight, probably due to my diaper-cancer approach. So I began hiding when I wore and when I tried meeting people who had this in common. These compounded problems were finally discovered when our second child was born (now almost 10 years ago).

    We went through therapy including couples counseling and the wedge was driven in that if I couldn’t give up diapers (and perhaps specifically looking for these diaper-relationships), my wife would leave me and take the kids with her. I was devastated and willing to promise anything to keep my family. I have been mostly successful for a majority of the last 10 years, though there have been relatively few days I hadn’t thought about diapers at all. And for full disclosure, I cannot sexually climax without at least fantasizing about diapers.

    About a year ago, I had actually reached a point where I was mentally and sexually free of diapers. It was liberating and an intense emotional experience. Like being freed from a self-made prison. But it was short lived. Like I mentioned before, life had kicked up the stress button up a few notches and the fantasies I had moved into stopped working. Well, it just so happens that there’s a really good store front for ABDL products here in Vegas that sell sample packs of almost every kind of diaper out there. It’s been really nice for managing stress, but it’s come at the price of guilt for hiding diapers and betraying the promise I’d made.

    But I am much more aware of where the line of relationships needs to be drawn, so I’m venturing back into the community. When I saw this site, it was attractive in that it is explicitly non-sexual. That’s what I want to emphasize this time around in order to find a balance that is healthy for me and my family.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Hi and welcome to the site. How awesome that you work both for Cirque du Soliel and did some voice over for a Transformer movie.
    I have to admit, I’ve lived an interesting life so far! I’ve really enjoyed the theatrical experiences I’ve had and I hope those continue even after I transition into pharmacy.

    I should find a better way of expressing the role I had in Transformers. I wasn’t a voice-over actor, I was a live actor with a speaking part - so I continue collecting royalty checks (albeit very small ones at this point). I originally applied as an extra, but was bumped up kind of last minute to a speaking role. It apparently happens occasionally with certain directors. So I went from an $10/hour gig to $800 day rate. Best-paid gig of my life!

  7. #7

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    Thank you, TrueHero, for sharing that. I understand your situation a bit better now. I can understand the choice you made to stop wearing diapers when faced with that kind of ultimatum from your wife. While I obviously don't have answers, I will say that I empathize with your struggle. It seems to be a struggle with denying who you truly are and what provides you contentment and release. I don't envy your conundrum because hiding who we are, whether it be a fetish, or a kink, or our sexual identity, or whatever... well, that can lead to serious mental issues and acting out in negative ways. It seems you've learned from your mistakes early on in your marriage, though. I feel like honesty is generally always the best choice, but I also totally understand that it's often much easier said than done. I really wish the best for you, and I'm glad you found this site.

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