Benzie
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 45
- Role
- Incontinent
(Oh boy, this one's gonna be a bit long. Sorry about that in advance!)
So, I posted on here about my issues dealing with incontinence not too long ago, and I got some great advice, all of which I'm taking into account and using to help the situation going forward.
I don't think I've mentioned it in detail yet, but my family is well aware of the issues I'm having. I avoided letting anyone know about what was going on for nearly two months before I was caught, mainly because I was afraid of any reactions I'd get from them. That wasn't totally fair to them, they've been as supportive as they can through this, even cracking jokes with me to lighten the mood sometimes. But, there's been some issues.
The thing about my parents, particularly my mother, is that they've always felt a need to pressure answers out of me when it comes to medical questions. I was very secretive and quick to say a white lie from the time they raised me until about three years ago. Also, it's worth noting that I have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, so I also often didn't understand how to communicate properly.
As a result, my mother seems to take the position that she knows the immediate answer to anything about me, that she knows me better than even I do, and while I've really only gotten a good hold of my bearings both socially and physically in the last few years, it feels belittling to constantly have to bite my lip and nod my head when she "discusses" things with me.
Case in point, I woke up this morning, and unfortunately I was soaked. Usually, if I'm already going to change and it's not horrible, I'll try and push out any little bit of urine I've still got when I wake up. If I can tell it's a lot, I try to hold it as I'm headed to the bathroom to take my medication anyways. I had nothing coming out this morning, so I went downstairs and took my pill, then left the bathroom.
Her biggest suggestion throughout all of this was that I head to the bathroom constantly, even if I didn't feel like I had to go, which didn't make much sense to me. Besides, I'd often not be able to make it to the toilet if I did feel like I had to go, and sometimes I wouldn't even notice until it's too late. So, to me, it was pointless to walk to the bathroom. Even still, I went at least once every two hours, maybe missing a few here and there.
When I left the bathroom this morning, she asked if I'd already gone. I told her no, and she asked why I hadn't. I started to tell her why, but she went on about how she doesn't understand why I seem to be comfortable just using a diaper, and why, if this is the Navy's fault, I'm not pursuing any kind of action (for context, I had a cystoscopy late in boot camp that was done poorly, with three realignments of the camera).
Of course, I told her that I'm not pursuing it yet because I've not got the insurance to see a urologist again. Job Corps is setting me up with one, but I haven't pressed the issue with them and I've actively told them I'm not currently concerned about it because SHE insisted that I'd better not come off needy, as if I were coming to Job Corps purely for free healthcare. I would've said much more, but I never feel comfortable doing it. My parents both gave me some more advice about setting up a schedule, and that was that. She apologized for upsetting me, which she always does, and I appreciate.
My main problem with all of this is that, while I'm not necessarily scared of either of my parents, I feel just the slightest bit manipulated by them at times. They both actively avoid seeking medial attention until it's really necessary, and so I've adopted that trait myself. I've seen them shrug off painful injuries for the greater interest in finishing a project or continuing to be active, and so I've tried to do the same. I listen to my parent's advice and suggestions in general, but whenever I disagree with them on something, I'm met with some sort of passive aggressive behavior that immediately makes me feel horrible. Like, the other day I had plans to get a haircut, my mother wanted me to as well. I enjoy having no hair, my mother thinks it doesn't look good on me. So, I insisted that I'd be getting it shaved down, and immediately she scoffs and tells me whatever, that it's my choice to make.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but this seems to happen a lot. Just today, I forgot to bring a dog back inside from the yard and went up to my room, didn't even have my TV on. My mother noticed, and immediately I get defensive, because her response is ALWAYS either about me being distracted by problems I'm not telling her, or by a game/phone/etc. If I make a mistake, there's a deeper meaning that I'm hiding from her. If I disagree, it's because I never listen to her. It's like this with nearly everything, nothing too big, just small things here and there. Death by one thousand cuts, if you will.
Some of these things apply to my father as well, and there's too many of these repeating situations to write down, but the meat of this argument should be simple. My parents don't understand that the reason I don't run to the bathroom as often as I can think is not only because it feels futile and becomes emotionally difficult to do, but also because I'm trying my best to practice control. When I'm sitting, I do kegals. When I'm at the toilet, I try to stop and start any flow I have. I'm fighting my hardest to get a visit with the doctor, but it's the best I can do to hope for an appointment in the next two months. Hell, at her request, I've cut myself down to one, maybe two diapers a day, because we're on a budget and I'm trying not to ask her to buy any more. These things aren't even plastic backed, but I do it anyways and try to keep everything out of their focus as to not upset them, only to get yelled at.
(FYI, Job Corps is trying to set me up to get supplies, but it's taking some time.)
I guess this was just a rant, but I needed to get my feelings out there. My parents are good, loving, honest people, and maybe this is just the depression talking, but I feel bullied into listening and not being allowed to talk all the time with these things. I know they love me, and they just want me to be happy, and I know they're trying to help, but sometimes it's hard to handle.
Thanks for reading.
Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
So, I posted on here about my issues dealing with incontinence not too long ago, and I got some great advice, all of which I'm taking into account and using to help the situation going forward.
I don't think I've mentioned it in detail yet, but my family is well aware of the issues I'm having. I avoided letting anyone know about what was going on for nearly two months before I was caught, mainly because I was afraid of any reactions I'd get from them. That wasn't totally fair to them, they've been as supportive as they can through this, even cracking jokes with me to lighten the mood sometimes. But, there's been some issues.
The thing about my parents, particularly my mother, is that they've always felt a need to pressure answers out of me when it comes to medical questions. I was very secretive and quick to say a white lie from the time they raised me until about three years ago. Also, it's worth noting that I have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, so I also often didn't understand how to communicate properly.
As a result, my mother seems to take the position that she knows the immediate answer to anything about me, that she knows me better than even I do, and while I've really only gotten a good hold of my bearings both socially and physically in the last few years, it feels belittling to constantly have to bite my lip and nod my head when she "discusses" things with me.
Case in point, I woke up this morning, and unfortunately I was soaked. Usually, if I'm already going to change and it's not horrible, I'll try and push out any little bit of urine I've still got when I wake up. If I can tell it's a lot, I try to hold it as I'm headed to the bathroom to take my medication anyways. I had nothing coming out this morning, so I went downstairs and took my pill, then left the bathroom.
Her biggest suggestion throughout all of this was that I head to the bathroom constantly, even if I didn't feel like I had to go, which didn't make much sense to me. Besides, I'd often not be able to make it to the toilet if I did feel like I had to go, and sometimes I wouldn't even notice until it's too late. So, to me, it was pointless to walk to the bathroom. Even still, I went at least once every two hours, maybe missing a few here and there.
When I left the bathroom this morning, she asked if I'd already gone. I told her no, and she asked why I hadn't. I started to tell her why, but she went on about how she doesn't understand why I seem to be comfortable just using a diaper, and why, if this is the Navy's fault, I'm not pursuing any kind of action (for context, I had a cystoscopy late in boot camp that was done poorly, with three realignments of the camera).
Of course, I told her that I'm not pursuing it yet because I've not got the insurance to see a urologist again. Job Corps is setting me up with one, but I haven't pressed the issue with them and I've actively told them I'm not currently concerned about it because SHE insisted that I'd better not come off needy, as if I were coming to Job Corps purely for free healthcare. I would've said much more, but I never feel comfortable doing it. My parents both gave me some more advice about setting up a schedule, and that was that. She apologized for upsetting me, which she always does, and I appreciate.
My main problem with all of this is that, while I'm not necessarily scared of either of my parents, I feel just the slightest bit manipulated by them at times. They both actively avoid seeking medial attention until it's really necessary, and so I've adopted that trait myself. I've seen them shrug off painful injuries for the greater interest in finishing a project or continuing to be active, and so I've tried to do the same. I listen to my parent's advice and suggestions in general, but whenever I disagree with them on something, I'm met with some sort of passive aggressive behavior that immediately makes me feel horrible. Like, the other day I had plans to get a haircut, my mother wanted me to as well. I enjoy having no hair, my mother thinks it doesn't look good on me. So, I insisted that I'd be getting it shaved down, and immediately she scoffs and tells me whatever, that it's my choice to make.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but this seems to happen a lot. Just today, I forgot to bring a dog back inside from the yard and went up to my room, didn't even have my TV on. My mother noticed, and immediately I get defensive, because her response is ALWAYS either about me being distracted by problems I'm not telling her, or by a game/phone/etc. If I make a mistake, there's a deeper meaning that I'm hiding from her. If I disagree, it's because I never listen to her. It's like this with nearly everything, nothing too big, just small things here and there. Death by one thousand cuts, if you will.
Some of these things apply to my father as well, and there's too many of these repeating situations to write down, but the meat of this argument should be simple. My parents don't understand that the reason I don't run to the bathroom as often as I can think is not only because it feels futile and becomes emotionally difficult to do, but also because I'm trying my best to practice control. When I'm sitting, I do kegals. When I'm at the toilet, I try to stop and start any flow I have. I'm fighting my hardest to get a visit with the doctor, but it's the best I can do to hope for an appointment in the next two months. Hell, at her request, I've cut myself down to one, maybe two diapers a day, because we're on a budget and I'm trying not to ask her to buy any more. These things aren't even plastic backed, but I do it anyways and try to keep everything out of their focus as to not upset them, only to get yelled at.
(FYI, Job Corps is trying to set me up to get supplies, but it's taking some time.)
I guess this was just a rant, but I needed to get my feelings out there. My parents are good, loving, honest people, and maybe this is just the depression talking, but I feel bullied into listening and not being allowed to talk all the time with these things. I know they love me, and they just want me to be happy, and I know they're trying to help, but sometimes it's hard to handle.
Thanks for reading.
Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk