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Thread: Loneliness

  1. #1

    Default Loneliness

    First and foremost, let me say that I'm making this thread with the intentions of venting rather than whining/complaining. I've found that sometimes there's an extremely fine line between the two categories. I really have come to believe that venting is a really helpful and important aspect to life (as long as it's done in moderation), but that coming across as a complainer really just spreads negativity and makes everyone feel worse.

    So let me say...I'm just letting out some feelings here, I'm not trying to bitch about my life. I feel like I'm one of the most fortunate people I've ever known, I have an overall very happy life, and in the big picture I have nothing serious to complain about. I also know that these feelings will pass, maybe even within the next hour or so. But this community is so great for sharing things, and I feel like posting it when it's on my mind.

    I'd also ask that this be a positive thread rather than a negative one. Sometimes I've noticed people have posted some personal feelings and others have kind of jumped on them and said "Well, if you simply go out and do this, that'll fix things and it's as easy as that" (paraphrased, of course ). I'm not sure, but I honestly think that everyone has felt some of the things I'm going to mention (especially as *B/DL's), and I think the great thing about a community like this is we can help each other out, share ideas, and make each other feel better.

    Overall I'm a loner...and I would say 90-95% of the time I'm much happier that way. I'm definitely more comfortable when I'm by myself and have freedom, and I've also found out that it makes me enjoy and appreciate time spent with friends, coworkers and family even more. It's when I spend extended amounts of time surrounded by others that I start getting restless and uncomfortable. And for the most part, I've reached a point of major satisfaction and peace in life from all of this.

    However, every now and then I'll be hit by a burst of loneliness. The funny thing is that when it hit me tonight, it was much more of a mental thing than a direct social thing...I think I just got a sudden wave of feeling like I have no one that feels the same way I do about certain personal thoughts. It's like I'm in a particular position and I feel like I can't engage someone else in the discussion without an uncomfortable disagreement occurring (I'm sorry for the horrible vagueness here).

    I think what's so interesting is that a lot of very social people can actually feel this form of loneliness as well. It's the flip side to being's awesome to know that no one else is like you and you can be your own person, but it can also be a bummer when you feel like you can't relate to anyone. I would say most, if not all of us, felt this way about our *B/DLism before we realized there were others like us.

    I hate to use the stereotype of teenagers having the mentality "No one understands me!" (even though I do think this is a process that most people, including myself, go through during adolescence), because I think we all feel that way sometimes. And sometimes telling people, especially in a community like this, those feelings helps alleviate them.

    So anyway...I was hoping that this could be a thread where people could just let out any feelings of loneliness that they've felt lately (or in the past).

    I also would like it if people can say what they do when they're feeling lonely to make them feel better (and like I said earlier, I hope this can be a positive, constructive process, not things like "Go out and live your life.") Because as I mentioned earlier, I think at some point or another we all feel lonely in some fashion and it's nice to feel support.

    See, I actually feel better already just by typing this out.

  2. #2


    I think the kind of loneliness you're describing is something everybody feels. Isn't it really a very human thing to fell? Like you said, there is an awesomeness to being your own unique person, but it comes with the price of nobody ever getting you completely.

    I don't think that the "No one understands me!" thinking is something that goes away after adolescence. I've still got it and I think I always will. The thing is, it gets more manageable and easier to deal with as you grow older and (hopefully) wiser. That doesn't mean it won't hit you like a sledgehammer sometimes (as I know it still does for me), but it won't be constantly weighing you down like it might have in your teenage years.

    Even though I think this loneliness is inescapable in the long run, I agree that venting it helps when it's there. If you don't have people in real life that are suitable listeners at the time, ADISC is probably a good place to at least get some of it out. Both because we share some of the things that could make us lonely, and because it's full of people who care enough to read about your feelings and give their view on them, even if they don't fully understand what you're going through.

  3. #3


    I agree with much of what teddy said (sorry, but I still want to call you Ron.) I could be considered a "loner" too in that much of the time I enjoy being alone and don't want to be bothered with anyone else. But lately I've felt like I have these large gaping holes of loneliness in my life. I seem to have a much harder time opening up to people and making new friends than others, and it doesn't help that I don't get many opportunities to meet people my age, it seems. Most of the people I work with are in their 30s and older, and while we get along great during the workday, at night they go home to their families or they want to get together and do things with each other since they're all around the same age. When I hear them planning to get together for drinks or whatever, I feel left out. I feel like I'm viewed as the younger one or the less mature one.

    Then there is a group of people at work who are around my age, but I don't work with them as much, and although I've tried to be friendly I just haven't had much luck. They ignore me beyond the necessary small talk and lately I've had the feeling that some of them actively dislike me, and I don't know why.

    And although I've joined multiple activities hoping to meet new friends, it just hasn't happened. I feel like there are lots of cliques around town, and I don't quite fit into any of them.

    Then, recently, one of my few good friends here (who is considerably older than me but we got along great) got a new job and moved up to Maryland. And another of my close friends will be leaving in June. And I see no opportunities to meet any new friends. I have my boyfriend, and we do stuff with his friends, but he is very into soccer, and sometimes I feel left out of that too. I'm all for going out for drinks, but I'm not going to spend my whole weekend cheering him on in various games just so I'm not sitting at home alone.

    So I busy myself with chores and playing video games and various other things...but yeah, I'm lonely I can completely relate to ya.

  4. #4


    I was always a person that had trouble just living with myself. I grew up as an only child, so there were no brothers of sisters to provide company. I always had to have at least one good friend that I could relate with, and if he was out of town or not available, I was very lonely.

    As an adult I got married and so my life became involved with family, and there was little time to feel lonely. But what sometimes happens is that you feel alienated. There's a certain loneliness in going to work everyday, returning home, doing chores and going to sleep.

    Now the family is grown and out of the house. The weekends are the worst. I work two jobs so I don't have time to feel lonely during the week, but the weekends are mine. My wife's health is both an issue and an extreme worry, something which I can never escape. As a musician, I would like to have musical friends that I can talk shop, but I had to quit the band, both to take care of my wife on Saturdays, and partly because I was just too tired. So as an adult, I feel a sense of alienation, a disconnect with the world, and waiting for the other shoe to fall. As living creatures, we want to connect, as if we were still in the tribe. but contemporary life makes that very difficult.

  5. #5


    I agree with RadGravity that ADISC is a good place to get rid of some loneliness. Teddy--thanks for starting this discussion. I'm glad you're feeling better having written your thoughts out.

    I've been what I'd (jokingly) call clinically lonely for 6 years. In the last two or so years, I've started to experience some physical and even cognitive/psychological effects related to it, since I've been treating my body like hell. Started getting some 'help', but I stopped when I decided I wasn't ready to talk about certain things yet (I'll bet you could guess one of them, ADISC).

    I live alone, and though I do enjoy my privacy and a good amount of solitude, not having much of a support network takes its toll. Everything--the big stuff and the little stuff--seems to be just a little bit harder for me than for my peers. Not all of them, to be exact; I could pick a few who might be just as isolated. It gets hard to think straight, hard to stick with one task long enough to get much done, and hard to calm down when I need to do so.

    I've got a few good friends, and I see family every couple of months or so; it could be a whole lot worse. It's pathetic, but what I want most is a 'significant other'. (That always sounds like some bureaucratic approximation of some taxable social role...)

    It's good to have ADISC around; I honestly believe being able to read and talk through some of this stuff has been helping me start embracing my 'little' and 'big' sides more fully, and to start turning things around a bit.

    I met a girl last weekend who was single, attractive, funny, and nice, all in one. Chances are slim that I'll see her again, but I gotta kick the clinical loneliness and look/feel my best if she or another comes along again.

    Well, I suppose I feel a bit better now too. It might end up being a very late night for me tonight, but thankfully the internet never sleeps, and public television has some very interesting reruns.

  6. #6


    I know what you mean, because of my problems when I was growing up, I never made many friends, and so I spend a lot of time alone. l actually like that though, because I've grown used to being alone and now I prefer it that way most of the time.

    I do enjoy getting out and socializing with the people in my car club, but only for a short time. I still find it hard to deal with people up close and personal. When I was growing up, I was humiliated and degraded a lot, because of my encopresis, and as a result, I couldn't look people in the eyes when talking to them. I would look anywhere else, avoiding eye contact as much as possible, because it made me nervous, and I've had a really hard time overcoming that as an adult.

    I've often wished that I could interact with people much better, and be more popular with others, but it's just not to be. I've come to terms with it though, and now I'm actually happier when I'm alone. I enjoy my company more than anyone elses, with the exception of my wife and son of course. But when they are away at work and school, I'm still left alone at home, and I'm perfectly happy like that.

    Even my only two real friends have limited contact with me. My best friend from when I was in the army I haven't seen in person in over 16 or 17 years. I only see my other friend on average of a few hours every 4 or 5 months.

    But like the rest of you guys in this thread, I'm ok with that. In fact, I prefer it now, And with my current health problems, it only reinforces my desire to be alone.

    I'm glad that you have also come to terms with it Teddy. It sucks when you don't want to be alone, but if you can make the best of it, more power to you.

  7. #7
    Butterfly Mage


    I don't think you're whining. Also, a little venting here and there can be very theraputic. It's also good to hear "you're okay and we like you just the way you are" once in a while.

    I can relate to the lonliness thing. I'm generally a pretty happy person about 90% of the time. Sometimes I have the experience I describe as a shadow passing over my spirit. It always passes, like a cloud passing in front of the sun. When the shadow manifests, I become keenly aware that my mind is incomplete and how my memory is full of holes (dissociative disorders suck). And there's a desperate lonliness that comes when I think about how my personality is basically built upon the ashes of the child that occupied this body before I did.

    But then the shadow passes and I'm okay. Life is a gift. And although my life is very different than it could have been if I had been raised by a father who wasn't a sexual sadist, I am grateful for my life and for its blessings.

  8. #8


    I'm tend to feel lonely a lot of the time too, but it is kind of silly. I have plenty of friends so I can't say I'm disliked and stuff. But it all just feels inadequate. Maybe I just wish I could be with my boyfriend or that there were people who looked up to me and followed me around. It's lonely living alone so I wish some of my friends would decide to visit me of there own accord. Honestly though, it's my own fault, I don't put in the outgoing effort because I start feeling sad over some jealous thought or something. (And my depression is melancholy apathy)

    I think it's a matter of loving yourself. If you don't like yourself then you don't attract other's to like you. This forum probably makes people feel more loved because you get to open up and people open up to you.

  9. #9


    I nodded in agreement when I read your post, teddy. I'm sure everyone feels loneliness at some point in their life and to varying degrees. It's important to remember that there is always someone or something that cares about you wether it be your friends, your pets or your parents.

    But there are times when you really shrug your shoulders and say "I feel really empty." I personally hate the feeling.

    Sometimes when things are so bad I turn to self-destructive behaviors. I realize that this is not a healthy outlet, but at that point in time my mind is telling me 'don't look back and keep going.' And with a critical, unsupportive mother, it just makes things worse.

    But, I also more often turn to healthier outlets. Drawing is very calming to me, especially at school, when I tune everything out and draw what's in my mind. I've realized that exercising clears my mind as well. Reading can put your thoughts elsewhere and preoccupy you, and music with happy or inspirational lyrics seem to put me in a better mood. There are tons of things to do to help get rid of the lonely blues; you just have to find the one that you like best.

  10. #10


    Loneliness is something nobody likes to enjoy, especially myself..
    Usually I don't feel any of it, unless it's regarding a girl of whom I used to like/used to go out with dating someone else..

    I can remember, a good while ago when I was 14, I finally mustered up the courage to ask this one girl out, but she in return said that she could never see me as nothing more than just a friend. Cue that one song by Biz Markie..
    Otherwise, it isn't really that bad..

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