TabulaRasa2017
Est. Contributor
- Messages
- 174
- Role
- Adult Baby
- Little
Hello everyone,
I feel I need to preface this post in a few ways. First, I’m going to talk about sexual feelings, but I will keep it PG-13 and this is not intended to be anything other than exploring the connection between shame, ABDL, and personal acceptance. However, fair warning, this requires me to talk about erections and sexual “release.” Second, I don’t pretend what I’m sharing here is the most original insight about shame and ABDL, but it does reflect my experiences and maybe some of yours. Third, I am also coming from the perspective of someone for whom ABDL is intimately tied in with my sexuality. I realize that for some people, ABDL is not connected to their sex drive, and so this post is not directed toward those individuals, although that is not to suggest that their experiences are not valid or genuine. Fourth, being male, I have no idea what this is like for female ABDLs, and I hope this post doesn’t appear to suggest that their experiences aren’t equally valid or genuine, or that this is only a male thing. In fact, it would be interesting to hear more female perspectives on this because in my experience there are too few. Fifth, I am not gay, but there are many gay ABDLs. I can only speak from my experience as a heterosexual, but I in no way wish to suggest that this should only be considered from that perspective.
I have come to believe that the deep shame and disgust many of us have felt about our ABDL arises from a type of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is when you are trying to hold two diametrically opposed ideas in your head without rejecting either. For me, and I suspect for many of you as well, my feelings of wanting to be diapered and cared for as a baby go back before Kindergarten. Some of my earliest preschool memories are of wanting to wear diapers again. Throughout elementary school, these feelings came and went pretty frequently. For me, by the time I was in 1st grade, I can distinctly remember fantasizing about being a toddler again and wearing a disposable diaper, and that those feelings were associated with a mixture of euphoria and warmth. These feelings were also associated with getting an erection. Every time I fantasized about being put back into diapers, I had a euphoric rush accompanied by an erection. But of course when you’re in elementary school, you don’t know anything about sex, and I for one never associated these feelings with anything sexual at that point in my life – it just felt physically and emotionally good to have this fantasy.
So, as I began to go through puberty in junior high and into high school, I did not associate my ABDL feelings (which were still very frequent) with sex. In fact, I kind of kept waiting for my sex drive to happen, and I couldn’t understand why the other kids seemed to naturally “know” that they were attracted to the opposite or same sex. I found girls attractive and had some of the same feelings I had with my ABDL fantasies, but again, I didn’t realize that those feelings were actually my sex drive coming online. When I had my first “release” it was to an ABDL fantasy, and it was at that moment that these two worlds collided for me. I remember thinking, “oh my god, that wonderful feeling is what sex must be about!” This was followed quickly by, “oh my god, what did I just have sexual ‘release’ to?” On top of this were feelings of shame about masturbation, and mixed in with that were feelings that something was wrong with me.
The cognitive dissonance came in when these two worlds collided: my childhood “good body feelings” and my brand new adult awareness of “sex.” Sex is supposed to be an adult thing, yet here I was having sexual feelings about something I should have left behind in early childhood – being diapered and being cuddled and treated as a baby. You’re supposed to grow up and out of diapers (unless you’re incontinent) and you’re supposed to leave your baby things behind. How can you hold those two things in your head at the same time? It felt shameful that I needed to have my childhood fantasy in order to achieve sexual release. And I felt then that I was really alone because how was I going to tell anybody this and not be mocked or, worse yet, labeled a freak or pervert. These feelings in turn made it very difficult for me to have the confidence I had in other aspects of my life to initiate relationships with women.
I believe that if you’re on the ABDL spectrum when it comes to sex, you have to really work at realizing that your “good body feelings” from childhood (or whatever those may be for you) are what you need to tap into to make sex feel the best. And that means that you have to really work on accepting that this is your body and brain’s way of turning on your sex drive. It’s almost feels like everyone else has keys that you don’t have to start a car. You can start the car, but you need a different set of keys or even some hotwiring skills. But if you can accept this, and put aside the shame that naturally comes from the cognitive dissonance, you can be open with sexual partners about what you need to have a fulfilling sex life. That has probably been my biggest struggle: accepting and admitting that I need – not want, not would like, not would maybe occasionally like to try – but need some part of those “good body feelings” from childhood to make sex come alive for me the way it must for other people. And, similarly, that other people have different buttons they need pushed in order to ignite their sexual sparks.
I might speak like I have this all figured out – I do not. But, especially if you’re just coming to terms with this part of yourself, and especially if you’re a younger person and feeling terrible about this like I used to, please know that it is okay to accept this part of who you are. And even more importantly, it is okay to ask for what you need in this regard. Some people are going to tell you “no” or will not understand. That is okay – that means you’re not going to be physically and emotionally compatible with that person. If someone tells you “no” or they cannot understand why you need this, be kind and respectful but walk away. Find someone who will tell you “yes” or will understand this part of who you are. Find the person who has the keys to start your engine – and know that you are worthy of that. I wish someone had told me that a long time ago, and I hope you know that you are okay.
Certainly, you don’t go out into the world and broadcast this most intimate and vulnerable part of yourself to everyone. But if you find someone you can be vulnerable with, they should be accepting of this part of you, and you should not feel ashamed for wanting your flavor of love and affection.
Be well.
I feel I need to preface this post in a few ways. First, I’m going to talk about sexual feelings, but I will keep it PG-13 and this is not intended to be anything other than exploring the connection between shame, ABDL, and personal acceptance. However, fair warning, this requires me to talk about erections and sexual “release.” Second, I don’t pretend what I’m sharing here is the most original insight about shame and ABDL, but it does reflect my experiences and maybe some of yours. Third, I am also coming from the perspective of someone for whom ABDL is intimately tied in with my sexuality. I realize that for some people, ABDL is not connected to their sex drive, and so this post is not directed toward those individuals, although that is not to suggest that their experiences are not valid or genuine. Fourth, being male, I have no idea what this is like for female ABDLs, and I hope this post doesn’t appear to suggest that their experiences aren’t equally valid or genuine, or that this is only a male thing. In fact, it would be interesting to hear more female perspectives on this because in my experience there are too few. Fifth, I am not gay, but there are many gay ABDLs. I can only speak from my experience as a heterosexual, but I in no way wish to suggest that this should only be considered from that perspective.
I have come to believe that the deep shame and disgust many of us have felt about our ABDL arises from a type of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is when you are trying to hold two diametrically opposed ideas in your head without rejecting either. For me, and I suspect for many of you as well, my feelings of wanting to be diapered and cared for as a baby go back before Kindergarten. Some of my earliest preschool memories are of wanting to wear diapers again. Throughout elementary school, these feelings came and went pretty frequently. For me, by the time I was in 1st grade, I can distinctly remember fantasizing about being a toddler again and wearing a disposable diaper, and that those feelings were associated with a mixture of euphoria and warmth. These feelings were also associated with getting an erection. Every time I fantasized about being put back into diapers, I had a euphoric rush accompanied by an erection. But of course when you’re in elementary school, you don’t know anything about sex, and I for one never associated these feelings with anything sexual at that point in my life – it just felt physically and emotionally good to have this fantasy.
So, as I began to go through puberty in junior high and into high school, I did not associate my ABDL feelings (which were still very frequent) with sex. In fact, I kind of kept waiting for my sex drive to happen, and I couldn’t understand why the other kids seemed to naturally “know” that they were attracted to the opposite or same sex. I found girls attractive and had some of the same feelings I had with my ABDL fantasies, but again, I didn’t realize that those feelings were actually my sex drive coming online. When I had my first “release” it was to an ABDL fantasy, and it was at that moment that these two worlds collided for me. I remember thinking, “oh my god, that wonderful feeling is what sex must be about!” This was followed quickly by, “oh my god, what did I just have sexual ‘release’ to?” On top of this were feelings of shame about masturbation, and mixed in with that were feelings that something was wrong with me.
The cognitive dissonance came in when these two worlds collided: my childhood “good body feelings” and my brand new adult awareness of “sex.” Sex is supposed to be an adult thing, yet here I was having sexual feelings about something I should have left behind in early childhood – being diapered and being cuddled and treated as a baby. You’re supposed to grow up and out of diapers (unless you’re incontinent) and you’re supposed to leave your baby things behind. How can you hold those two things in your head at the same time? It felt shameful that I needed to have my childhood fantasy in order to achieve sexual release. And I felt then that I was really alone because how was I going to tell anybody this and not be mocked or, worse yet, labeled a freak or pervert. These feelings in turn made it very difficult for me to have the confidence I had in other aspects of my life to initiate relationships with women.
I believe that if you’re on the ABDL spectrum when it comes to sex, you have to really work at realizing that your “good body feelings” from childhood (or whatever those may be for you) are what you need to tap into to make sex feel the best. And that means that you have to really work on accepting that this is your body and brain’s way of turning on your sex drive. It’s almost feels like everyone else has keys that you don’t have to start a car. You can start the car, but you need a different set of keys or even some hotwiring skills. But if you can accept this, and put aside the shame that naturally comes from the cognitive dissonance, you can be open with sexual partners about what you need to have a fulfilling sex life. That has probably been my biggest struggle: accepting and admitting that I need – not want, not would like, not would maybe occasionally like to try – but need some part of those “good body feelings” from childhood to make sex come alive for me the way it must for other people. And, similarly, that other people have different buttons they need pushed in order to ignite their sexual sparks.
I might speak like I have this all figured out – I do not. But, especially if you’re just coming to terms with this part of yourself, and especially if you’re a younger person and feeling terrible about this like I used to, please know that it is okay to accept this part of who you are. And even more importantly, it is okay to ask for what you need in this regard. Some people are going to tell you “no” or will not understand. That is okay – that means you’re not going to be physically and emotionally compatible with that person. If someone tells you “no” or they cannot understand why you need this, be kind and respectful but walk away. Find someone who will tell you “yes” or will understand this part of who you are. Find the person who has the keys to start your engine – and know that you are worthy of that. I wish someone had told me that a long time ago, and I hope you know that you are okay.
Certainly, you don’t go out into the world and broadcast this most intimate and vulnerable part of yourself to everyone. But if you find someone you can be vulnerable with, they should be accepting of this part of you, and you should not feel ashamed for wanting your flavor of love and affection.
Be well.
aci:
