I need help deciding if I should tell my boyfriend

To put it simply: I need boyfriend advice.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years now. He’s really sweet and nice and I love him as much as I am able. We don’t do sex but he is at least tolerant of that. He compliments me and seems to think the world of me. I know he loves me a lot. We talk to one another really easily too, for the most part. We share many interests so we always have something to discuss or debate on. Sometimes its serious discussions, sometimes its joking around, and sometimes he gets cheesy or sappy. He knows a lot of things about me that I don’t tell other people too such as the majority of my childhood until I moved out. He knows I’m pansexual and that I don’t use female pronouns. There are things that I haven’t gotten the courage to tell him though. Some things I’m still confused about, such as what gender I really am or if I am an AB or Little. Some of these things I tell myself that I will tell him when I know for certain what the answer is.
Then there are the things that I have an answer to but fear possibly being judged or left for. I have a massive distrust of people and rampant paranoia, so the likelihood of those things happening is probably much lower than I think, still that doesn’t stop the terror and panic from taking over when I consider discussing those things with him. The one I want advice on is, of course, the one to do with the purpose of this site. The fact that I wear diapers. I’ve considered telling him before. I’ve even been wearing them many times while present around him, discreetly of course. He has not noticed and if he did he never said anything. He’s been accepting of everything else about me and I was hoping that when I eventually told him he would accept this too, but something recently has made me doubt that. Him, a few other people and I went to a costume event recently and while we were there I noticed a man that went to the event dressed as a baby. I mentioned it to him later when everybody was talking about the costumes we saw in order to gauge his response to see if it was positive or negative. Everybody seemed pretty disgusted by the idea of a middle aged man in diapers so I switched tactics and remarked that I’ve seen high school girls on Halloween dressed as babies too. He seemed to consider it for a moment as potentially attractive before somebody else went “Oooh?” at him and he snorted and said he was joking and that diaper fetishes were gross. So, now I’m dreading potentially telling him even more and for the most part I am determined to avoid doing so. The problem is that it may not be avoidable in the near future. I’ve been having bout of incontinence here and there as well as some other issues that I will also need to be discussing with a doctor. In the best case scenario all of those issues will get fixed and I will not have to worry about it, but in the second to worst case scenario it gets worse until diapers become a necessity and telling him is unavoidable.
What are your thoughts on his reaction to my questioning and what do you think I should do?

i can definitely sympathize with you on this, i recently did somewhat of a feelout with my girlfriend, and while she seemed very open to the idea of being a little with me, she was very unattracted to the diaper aspect of it. now im scared to tell her im actually into it. maybe if i ease into it, shed be more open to at least accepting me liking them. i personally would find a way to see how he reacts to the idea in a more private setting so you can see how he feels without other people making him feel like he cant say what he really thinks. and if he's still not into it then you could always just open up to him about how you feel about it and hope for the best. hope it all goes well, best of luck!

Note: I never had a partner, so whatever I say might be stupid, wrong or insulting, my apologies in advance.

I met a psychologist over several months last year and of course I told him about me loving diapers and other baby things - we spoke about it for about 30mins, and he advised me if I met a person one day I could imagine living together till the end of days to tell that person about it.

Why? It would be a burden to live together and try to hide this side of me or try to get rid of it.

Maybe he said, I get new things in a relationship so I don't even want those things anymore - like trading one thing for another, but even if, these desires could come back one day.

He said, it's part of me, so if I met a person one day and he/she (not sure about that TBH) will leave me because of this things - he/she isn't the right one, even if this will hurt (and it would hurt me a lot).


In the end you're the only one who could make that choice - if you gonna do it, just focus on your dialogue, don't show him your things, you don't want to go far.


If you have good friends who know about this I would have a chat and ask what they think - I told my parents and most of my friends about that and no one refused me afterwards - but I choose my 'friends' with great care and it's not easy to reach a 'friend' level with me.

I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Sabu

Wow, a couple of years and you still haven't let him in. You've got to ask yourself, do you love him. And more importantly, ask do you trust him. You also need to ask yourself, is it a diaper fetish for you, or actually a diaper compulsion as in being a DL. The answers will make a big difference in how to approach the subject.

Either way, if you plan on being with him for the foreseable future (or even get married), then he needs to know the full you, and your deepsest desires. Keeping this part of yourself from him is no different than lying to him about who you are.

So yeah, you need to tell him.

You said you have been wearing lately because of an ic problem. I would tell him that you have to wear because of this problem and depending on your prognosis with the doctor, it might be for years to come. See how he responds to that. If he's accepting to it, then he is in to you for the long term. If he scoffs at it or puts you down, then he may not be accepting of your fetish.

Now, if it is a temporary situation and you want to tell him how much you enjoyed wearing them, tell him in a few weeks. Again, he might be accepting. Maybe he'll like being a daddy to you or find it kinky?

”FallenWolf” said:

i can definitely sympathize with you on this, i recently did somewhat of a feelout with my girlfriend, and while she seemed very open to the idea of being a little with me, she was very unattracted to the diaper aspect of it. now im scared to tell her im actually into it. maybe if i ease into it, shed be more open to at least accepting me liking them. i personally would find a way to see how he reacts to the idea in a more private setting so you can see how he feels without other people making him feel like he cant say what he really thinks. and if he's still not into it then you could always just open up to him about how you feel about it and hope for the best. hope it all goes well, best of luck!

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That seems like a good idea. I will attempt to gauge his reaction again next time we’re together without the crowd of other people.

”SabuInu” said:

If you have good friends who know about this I would have a chat and ask what they think - I told my parents and most of my friends about that and no one refused me afterwards - but I choose my 'friends' with great care and it's not easy to reach a 'friend' level with me.

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Unfortunately, this site and a few people whom are no longer my friends are the only ones I have ever shared this information with, and even those people were online. I find it much easier to be articulate and sociable by way of the written word than I ever have in person.

”Slomo” said:

Wow, a couple of years and you still haven't let him in. You've got to ask yourself, do you love him. And more importantly, ask do you trust him. You also need to ask yourself, is it a diaper fetish for you, or actually a diaper compulsion as in being a DL. The answers will make a big difference in how to approach the subject.

Either way, if you plan on being with him for the foreseable future (or even get married), then he needs to know the full you, and your deepsest desires. Keeping this part of yourself from him is no different than lying to him about who you are.

So yeah, you need to tell him.

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I do love him, and I trust him more than I trust most other people. I do not trust easily though and paranoia gets in the way of me completely trusting anybody. I need not ask myself if diapers are a fetish. I already know it is not. I’ve never wanted sex at all and as I stated above, he is at least tolerant of that.
I will say immediately that I do not believe there is such a thing as “lying by omission”. As far as I am concerned not saying something is simply not saying something, or keeping one’s thoughts to themself. Of course, if it is something vital that is not said that makes the person a jerk, but still not a liar. With that out of the way, yes. We have discussed marriage and eventually living together though that is still quite a long ways down the road.

”Scaramouche” said:

You said you have been wearing lately because of an ic problem. I would tell him that you have to wear because of this problem and depending on your prognosis with the doctor, it might be for years to come. See how he responds to that. If he's accepting to it, then he is in to you for the long term. If he scoffs at it or puts you down, then he may not be accepting of your fetish.

Now, if it is a temporary situation and you want to tell him how much you enjoyed wearing them, tell him in a few weeks. Again, he might be accepting. Maybe he'll like being a daddy to you or find it kinky?

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I would like to avoid making assumptions or predictions as to the future necessity or non-necessity of diapers until after my doctor discovers what the problem even is. My appointment is later this month, the earliest they could get me in.
I stated in my introduction that it is not sexual. It is not a fetish. I would rather he did not find it kinky either.

So you are not living together? Well that will buy you time and you seem to have a degree of independence so in the event of a fallout you seem to have an alternative living situation. You know of his reaction to a stranger wearing a diaper at an event, but that's a stranger and not You. Two years with no Whoopee. Kudos to him and you as you both have established boundaries. Perhaps if you tell him you just like to wear under your clothes and not use them for their near intended purpose. Tbh people just connect diapers with babies and the odors and such that result. Do just want to wear or do you want him to be a participant? Just ideas from a silly old skunk.

”ThePoeticSkunk” said:

So you are not living together? Well that will buy you time and you seem to have a degree of independence so in the event of a fallout you seem to have an alternative living situation. You know of his reaction to a stranger wearing a diaper at an event, but that's a stranger and not You. Two years with no Whoopee. Kudos to him and you as you both have established boundaries. Perhaps if you tell him you just like to wear under your clothes and not use them for their near intended purpose. Tbh people just connect diapers with babies and the odors and such that result. Do just want to wear or do you want him to be a participant? Just ideas from a silly old skunk.

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No, he and I are not living together yet. I live in a house with a few roommates and he still lives at home. He is still really involved with his family’s lives. We have discussed eventually getting a place though.
The problem with telling him that is that they do get used for their intended purpose. I mentioned in my first post that I have been having bouts of incontinence here and there so use is not voluntary or even avoidable, thus it would be lying if I told him they do not get used.
No, I do not want him to participate in any way. It is just important for him to know if it ends up being a necessity and permanent issue. If that is the case it is likely my roommates will have to know as well, though considering that the majority of the time they are not actually around I’m not overly concerned about them knowing.

Here's the brutally honest truth: In order for a relationship to work, especially an intimate one, you need to be honest with each other. He will eventually find out that they are being used for their intended purposes. If he is accepting of your medical condition, then he is a great catch. If he can't accept you for having a medical problem, then he is not the guy for you and the relationship is not going to work. It's up to you whether you tell him now or just before you move in together. If you don't tell him before and he finds evidence after you move in that he disapproves of, he may freak out and probably leave.

You don't come right out and say it but I assume you wear diapers more for enjoyment than need and you will wear them even if your incontinence problem is fixed. ABDL relationships have additional, sometimes insurmountable problems compared to 'normal' relationships. Some ABDLs end up in a good relationship, but your fears are understandable. A lot of people simply can't stomach this activity no matter how much they profess their love for someone. It's not their fault, but it is a real possibility in your situation. Unless you want to spend your whole life living a lie, sooner or later you will have to confront this head on. (Cliche Warning!) Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.

I think SabuInu gave the best advice.

Harsh but if he won't accept your diapees can it really progress any further as a relationship?

I would say a discussion with other people involved might not be the best way to gauge his acceptance as he might just have been associating Diapers with the guy you saw and being influenced by peer pressure.

Argent said:

Harsh but if he won't accept your diapees can it really oprogress any further as a relationship?

I would say a discussion with other people involved might not be the best way to gauge his acceptance as he might just have been associating Diapers with the guy you saw and being influenced by peer pressure.

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It wasn't meant for gauging, more for building self-confidence from the responses (which hopefully are positiv or at least 'okay').

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I told my best friend first and I was shaking horribly, because it was the first time I was scared she would never speak to me again - and her reaction...'that's all? Gosh I expected something really bad, the way you where talking about the thing you didn't wanted to talk about with no one.'

She joked once about diapers and if she should getting me some about one year earlier and she is quiet active online (has seen many strange things and I knew she knows about people who like 'diaper furries') so I was hoping for a good response, and well, I got a good response.

When we started to have a dialog with her about this and that I am unsure if this gonna be okay she ensured me that nothing would happen and I send her a picture of a diapered German Shepard Puppy. She already knew I really like anthropomorphic artworks and such...she then said 'diaperfurries?' And I just responded 'let the furry away...know it's out'...we chatted a little while then and she just wanted to know if I am interested in wearing diapers or if it is more like 'hey, I would like to see you in diapers'. I told her that I like wearing diapers and do so since few years and that I was always interested in wearing since I can think.

From there on I started telling more and more of my friends, that really helped me building up some self-confidence to finally tell my mother.

As mentioned before, no negative response for me, no really positive ones from my family and I know that my grandparents are a little bit sad that it is not a thing a doctor could repair but all in all I feel better after telling them, I got rid of things like 'what if they do a surprise visit, my mom has the keys to my place...'

Again, I wish anyone who want/will tell someone best of luck with the responses.

Sincerely,
Sabu

I appreciate most of the responses. I wanted to wait until after my doctor's appointment to reply again in case i had an update on that front. Unfortunately, I do not have any answers in that regard. This time the doctor wanted to get to know my history and nothing more. Apparently we will be discussing actual issues in a few visits, so it will still be a few weeks until I have answers. On the subject of my boyfriend, however, I did take FallenWolf's suggestion and try again to gauge his reaction when we were not surrounded by people. He seemed to react a bit better this time, seeming like he might be genuinely interesting in seeing girls wearing diapers without saying "ew" this time.