Can't find my stash

Went on vacation for two weeks. Got a new pack and put it in my backpack as usual right before i left. Came back home on Tuesday. Came home from Costco today and noticed things had slightly changed and I hadn't tried to use since before I left. I can't find my backpack anywhere. Saw some trash in the hall that I know was from my closet, yet things my mom would throw away are still there (Ottorpops she thinks they're messy and doesn't want them in the house). Not sure if I somehow misplaced it or if It's missing and that my parents took it. My parents have this habit of refusing any confrontation. There were also condoms there too.... Heaven only knows what's going through their heads if that's what happened. Any ideas on where to search? Maybe they thought they were old and threw them out? Maybe they know and tossed anyways and will ignore it. Anyone have this happen? I have anxiety, trust and people issues. HELP

If nothing is showing up than just straight up ask them, "have you guys seen my backpack?" If they respond "no" and you still cant find it, then the only thing you can do is keep looking. If you think that they are throwing out stuff from your room, than have a chat with them. They shouldn't be doing that period. If it gets confrontational, it will most likely result in them saying "its under our roof, our rules" etc etc This is where you demand privacy and reiterate your age. You can always mention, "ill be getting my own room somewhere else as soon as possible" even if you dont actually want too. By doing this, your reminding them that you are fully capable of becoming independent and away from them in a heartbeat. I always get heated with this topic because theres no reason why a grown man should have to worry about his stuff being touched and taken from his possession. Parents seem to forget that even though we are a kid in there eyes, we are grown and have sexual/privacy needs.

You've got some VERY inconsiderate parents, sorry to hear that! Sadly it's somewhat common for moms to go through their kids' rooms when they're away. This won't stop until you move out or confront them on it, they feel "it's okay" to do that if you're not there when they do it. Give them a little of "How would YOU like it if I rummaged through your bedroom while you were out getting groceries?"

Seconded!

My mom was always going through my room, throwing my things away, something which also included Yankees baseball cards dating back to the '50s. She thought they were trash, including the Micky Mantel cards. When I was in college, she found diapers and gay porn and then she made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. Things can get toxic where parents are concerned, so I would be careful about what you say and do.

That said, you could casually ask, "Have you seen my backpack?" It seems to me that if they found diapers in your backpack, they would have thrown the diapers out and not the entire backpack unless they didn't want the confrontation. But if they didn't want any confrontation, why didn't they leave it alone? I'd keep looking for the backpack and trace your steps backward, though I'm guessing you've already done that.

This won't be popular, but it bares saying. If you're not helping with the bills in some way, they have ever right to dictate what is and is not allowed in their house. Now, it is a different story if you're paying rent, or some portion of the bills.

Right or wrong in their opinion, they are your parents. At the very least, be respectful if and when you question them about your backpack and missing items.

My opinion won't be popular either. Unless you are in college why live at home? There is no good reason for a grown 21 year old with a job to live at home other than mooch off parents. If you have a job find your own place. Then this problem goes away. Your Mother won't like it but it's part of the growing up process.

I've told my boys the same thing i had told to me. "As long as you're in school full time in some form or fashion. Your Mother and I will provide you a place to live here and provide for your basic needs. As soon as that condition ends then you WILL pay your own way. You will not live here for free." You know what that did? It motivated me to move out. It was hard going at first. Now 18 years later I love my parents very much. I call several times a week and talk to them(difficult to see them in Ohio when I live in Texas). However at this stage I'd rather live in my car than move back in with them. There is a level of independence that I've become addicted to. So as I said use this as a catalyst to move out. Then this problem goes away.

BabyCorry said:

This won't be popular, but it bares saying. If you're not helping with the bills in some way, they have ever right to dictate what is and is not allowed in their house.

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Nonsense. Society has deemed that children are essentially indentured servants (personal maids and lawncare servicemen) with no rights while living at home, but that doesn't make it right.

In my own case I did pay rent money (slightly over half what my first apartment cost), but was still treated as a young child, and not in the good way some here might like. The way it was done deprived me of the ability to legitimately save up to leave on my own (they wanted me dependent on them), so I worked secret jobs on the side, and I bailed as soon as I had the money to get an apartment. Never looked back.

It bears repeating: parents will almost never look at their children as adults, no matter how old they are. Paying rent will not change that. I don't have kids so I don't understand it, but it's almost always true.

To parents: your children didn't choose to be born, or to have you as their parents. Stop acting like they're your property, or that you're entitled to something from them. They're human beings. YOU chose to have them. YOU get to deal with their costs. Don't like it, wear a condom.

I'll promise you this: treat your kids like I was treated, and you'll never speak to them again once they leave your house. Forget about being taken care of in your old age. You reap exactly what you sow.

100% agree with Anuric. This is a very fair and reasonable way of thinking/parenting imo.

Also, if you own your own car and pay for it, put your stash in there. Thats what i do. Then they have zero say in whats allowed or not.

Has nothing to if they have right to do it, it's the matter of them finding it in general... and moving out is not an option. I aint got $2,000 a month for rent lol

BabyCorry said:

This won't be popular, but it bares saying. If you're not helping with the bills in some way, they have ever right to dictate what is and is not allowed in their house. Now, it is a different story if you're paying rent, or some portion of the bills.

Right or wrong in their opinion, they are your parents. At the very least, be respectful if and when you question them about your backpack and missing items.

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While I do understand where the "my house, my rules" attitude comes from, I don't agree with it for the most part. The path to adulthood is a path, not a switch. You don't suddenly turn 18 or one day move out of the house and *DING* you're now an adult and go from zero rights to full rights. This does happen legally at 18, but that's not how parenting should be. The parenting process should be a gradual thing. And it is for the greater part even in those extreme cases of helicopter parents. Kids can be left alone, can go out with friends, can walk to the park without supervision, etc. There's all sorts of ways parents grant freedoms as their children grow up. It's just that some of them are selfish and don't grant some freedoms that they should, things like rights to privacy. It's like you can't put a camera in a hotel room even if towel or tv theft is a problem and you own the hotel. The people there still have a right to privacy. In that case it took legislation to force them to protect that right. Young adults and adults living at home don't have that protection and rely on the good behavior of their parents, which is often not the case. Young adults ~ 16+ years old should be approaching full rights to privacy and respect from their parents. People that end up needing to stay with their parents past 18 that still have to deal with their parents sifting through their rooms when they get the chance really grinds my gears. "Your kids have grown up, don't you think it's time for YOU to grow up??!"

Geek said:

Has nothing to if they have right to do it, it's the matter of them finding it in general... and moving out is not an option. I aint got $2,000 a month for rent lol

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$2k? Where do you live, new york or seattle. A basic apartment or shared roommate setup should cost closer to $500-600 a month.

And while I too agree when it's someone elses house it's their rules. However, such rules can only extend so far. Your choice of "underwear" is not part of that no matter how much they may want it to.

colorado denver 1500 and up LA 2000 and up.

Slomo said:

$2k? Where do you live, new york or seattle. A basic apartment or shared roommate setup should cost closer to $500-600 a month.

And while I too agree when it's someone elses house it's their rules. However, such rules can only extend so far. Your choice of "underwear" is not part of that no matter how much they may want it to.

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An expensive part of Hawaii

I don't know many in their late teens early 20's who can afford rent solo. Which is why many will get a roommate or two to move in with. That's what we did, heck that is what i see many still do. Just make sure that of you move in with friends that rules are set up and followed. Dishes, food, cleanliness in common areas, laundry left in washer and dryer. If you don't address those upfront I've seen a lot of hurt feelings over stupid shit. No you may not be able to afford what you want either, but you get what you need. Independence and a place to call your own. Not many greater feelings in the world

Also Bambinod I get where you are coming from. Yes I claim my kids as "mine" as they are mine. Yet that is only in the since that they came from me and they are my responsibility. My wife and I have worked hard to give them independence and allow them to make their own choices. I call it give them enough rope to hang themselves with method. The goal is though that "we" are still there to help them recover from a mistake. So long as they learned something from it, then it was worth the pain. That is what we think it takes to raise self supporting, strong independant children. Who don't reach their 20's taste failure and run back home again. Like so many other millennial kids do. That's not a shot at Geek just a shot fired at his generation. One taste of failure and they quit. Woah boy life is full of failure. What determines who you are is what you do with itm. Give up or pick yourself up dust yourself off and keep going.

I think your privacy has been violated. Assuming you are at least 18 they really NEED to back off. At the same time my DL habit has been confronted through my younger years with rage. Now at 42, I don't care. I have been doing this since 1978. lol No plans to stop anytime soon.