Told My S/O

So last night I told my girlfriend of 3.5 years about my AB/DL side. Boy was that the wrong move.... After 15 years in the closet, not telling a soul, I finally mustered up the will to tell someone that I thought would accept me for who I was. On 3 separate periods of time previously, I had found an excuse to wear diapers around her by intentionally wetting the bed- I figured I was at a point where I could tell her. Her initial reaction was mostly confusion, followed by the, "that is so fucking weird! You are a grown adult wearing a diaper and intentionally wetting it, not to mention shitting in it." As I continued to tell her about AB/DL, she proceeded to tell me how messed up I was, how something had to be wrong in my head, and how all she could think about was how I must be attracted to babies and this feeling has to be connected with pedophilia.... How hard to hear someone you love saying such harsh things to you as if you're some sort of freak. I told her I wanted her to get on understandinginfantilism.com and read about it. She is so closed-minded though, that all she could say was, "I am not getting on any nasty website related to this." Totally not the type of reaction I had expected, this far along in our relationship...
Admittedly, I waited far too long to tell her, but it took that long to build up the courage and words to come clean. We are supposed to close on a house in 7 days and now I have a pissed off girlfriend who thinks I'm a freak. I guess from here, my best option is to let it settle out and give her time to process everything? Any help appreciated!!

I'm sorry no one has responded to you in 12 hours. Maybe this is a tough one. Yes, I guess you should have told her sooner, but you've told her now. You are right in that you need to give her some time to process this. Either she'll loosen up and at least explore some explanations such as Wikipedia or she won't. But if she can't even exert a little effort and concern, that's not a good sign.

The bigger problem here is this: is she the girl for you? Are the two of you going to have some real differences in how you look at social norms, social justice, how we treat one another, because this is more than just wearing diapers. This is accepting each other, for good and for bad, for things that fit the norm and things that make us unique.

It's better that this came up before you closed on a house as the dynamics of your relationship have changed significantly. Infantalism is a condition that affects a small part of the population just like so many other conditions. Yes, it's weird and and takes a stretch to accept, but it is a part of who you are.

It may well come down to either you have to give up diapers and all that goes with being AB/DL or give her up. That's a tough place to be in, but the two of you are going to have to sit down and calmly discuss this. This discussion will go much better if she does a little research on some respected site. Good luck.

dogboy said:

It may well come down to either you have to give up diapers and all that goes with being AB/DL or give her up.

Click to expand...

For most of us, that is the same as saying "cut off an arm (or two), or give her up." Giving up "diapers and all that goes with being AB/DL" may seem viable at age 26, but I believe that would only be self-deception. This is part of who you are. Only resentment will result.

I got married in 1982, and had 'the talk' with my wife a few months after we were married. Her response made your GF's tirade look tame by comparison. Of course, there was no internet then and AB/DLs were virtually unknown in society at that point.

We had known each other for nearly 20 years; we grew up next door to each other and she was one of the more maternal young women I knew. She had joked a few times about putting a diaper on me, but when I told her that I wanted her to baby me, she responded that I was 'sick.' At the time, I was working about 60 hours a week to pay for our house and all the 'things' like furniture and appliances. She wasn't working. I really didn't think asking her to put me to bed was that much of an imposition. I didn't even bring up diapering initially ... and when I did, I reminded her that she had introduced the topic months before. None of that did any good.

I finally moved out about seven months after we were married. We sold our newly-purchased home and were divorced on Valentine's Day the following year. We had been married less than 9 months.

There comes a time in your life when you have to decide priorities ... and I decided that my infantilism, which had been a part of me since age 4, wasn't going to go away. For you, this may well be such a time. Leopards don't change their spots, and women who have the pragmatic view of diapers and baby play that your GF and my ex have will not change. Kenn is right: If you try to do otherwise, the resentment that builds will poison and eventually kill your relationship. Believe me when I tell you: You're better off knowing her response now than a week from now!

Whether you choose to act on what you know or decide to stay the course, we all wish you well.

That's a rough reaction. I'm sorry you had to hear that from someone you love. If that were her unchanging position, I'd suggest you find someone else. Life is too short to have someone you love despise you.

However, a one-time, heat of the moment reaction isn't necessarily everything. I think if I were you, I'd let her know that while you're sorry to have waited as long to talk about it as you did and particularly during an already stressful time, this is not something that is going away. She shouldn't have to commit to a real course of action right now, above and beyond being willing to engage with you about it in a real way (calling you a sick pedophile isn't being constructive).

If she's willing to see a professional with you or just try to really understand and accept, I could see continuing. If she can't see herself doing that, you should hold off with her until she's ready. Sadly, it's possible that she will never be ready and you must be prepared to move on.

Why I have to keep my dark side locked ? - Because this, what can freak me or - in this case babyto. Really can't tell something positive.

Dogboy hit the nail on the head with the question - is she the girl for you? This is a difficult and painful question to confront, especially if you are suffering the effects of that mental condition known as being "in love". I'm not trying to make light of your situation. You are facing one of the more difficult experiences in human life.

Do you love her enough to give up ABDL behavior for the the entire time you two remain together without feeling resentment towards her?

There is no shame if your answer is "no", but in that case she must answer a similar question: does she love you enough to accept some level of ABDL behavior in you for as long as you are together?

If both answers are "no" the solution is painful and difficult but obvious.

If she answers "yes" then you two can take a lovers' stroll through the minefield of compromise. This is no doubt the answer you are looking for but keep in mind that learning more about ABDL phenomena, if she is even open to that approach, may not change the intensity of her natural, emotional, negative response to it. Her feelings are just as valid as yours.

Don't waste time blaming yourself for a "wrong move". You did what you thought was right at the time. Hindsight just means looking at the world through your asshole. Apart from learning from past experience it is useless.

If you can avoid going in on the house until you have at lease gotten her to agree to hear you out, and to look at the sites you were trying to show her, there is a chance.

I would not commit myself to such large life choice, without at least a gesture of good faith on her part...

I mean really...do you WANT to live with someone who suspects you of pedophilia and is unwilling to hear your side of things?

I have no experience in intimate relationships, but I can tell you this. If she is that adamant about not accepting you for who you are and has rejected you as I got shot down in high school, there is no reason at all to continue the relationship.

I can't say much more, I agree with everyone. Just want to say that I believe you did the right thing and I don't think you should change yourself for someone else. That only ever leads to problems.

Good luck, babyto. I hope everything works out and you find someone who accepts you as you are.

Maybe give her some time. She could've just been really shocked, so that's one reason why she could have came off as hurtful. Everyone has secrets, and some of them can be shocking once revealed to others. Your girl may stay with you and she may leave. But whichever she does know that we're all here to support and help you! No matter what! :wub:

babyto said:

So last night I told my girlfriend of 3.5 years about my AB/DL side. Boy was that the wrong move.... After 15 years in the closet, not telling a soul, I finally mustered up the will to tell someone that I thought would accept me for who I was. On 3 separate periods of time previously, I had found an excuse to wear diapers around her by intentionally wetting the bed- I figured I was at a point where I could tell her. Her initial reaction was mostly confusion, followed by the, "that is so fucking weird! You are a grown adult wearing a diaper and intentionally wetting it, not to mention shitting in it." As I continued to tell her about AB/DL, she proceeded to tell me how messed up I was, how something had to be wrong in my head, and how all she could think about was how I must be attracted to babies and this feeling has to be connected with pedophilia.... How hard to hear someone you love saying such harsh things to you as if you're some sort of freak. I told her I wanted her to get on understandinginfantilism.com and read about it. She is so closed-minded though, that all she could say was, "I am not getting on any nasty website related to this." Totally not the type of reaction I had expected, this far along in our relationship...
Admittedly, I waited far too long to tell her, but it took that long to build up the courage and words to come clean. We are supposed to close on a house in 7 days and now I have a pissed off girlfriend who thinks I'm a freak. I guess from here, my best option is to let it settle out and give her time to process everything? Any help appreciated!!

Click to expand...

Ouch, guess that really makes you wonder why you waited 3+ years to tell her. Oh the time you've wasted being with the wrong person.

Which brings up the next point. Why are you thinking of closing on a house with someone who can't accept this part of who you are. You seriously need to sit down with her right now. Talk to her about this again, and if your diapers is something she just can't get over then you need to back out of that house now.

Do not wait and make things worse.

It's really tough to make the right call when wanting to bring something taboo about yourself out in the open. There is no sense dwelling on what's already been done though. You told her and she reacted, unfavorably unfortunately.

Now you need to move forward and decide whether or not you love her or your abdl side more. If you are truly incontinent and medically need diapers and she can not see herself sticking around then things are just going to get more and more tense and dramatic. If you do not need them and she doesn't seem like she would ever warm up to the idea then maybe it's time to move on and put abdl life behind you.

You have some tough choices to make ahead I'm afraid. You'll both need to sit down and seriously discuss your future. Maybe try and get her to talk about anything taboo she might be into and the two of you could come to some sort of agreement on indulging one another though I would save that for a last ditch effort if nothing else seems to be working.

Slomo said:

Ouch, guess that really makes you wonder why you waited 3+ years to tell her. Oh the time you've wasted being with the wrong person.

Which brings up the next point. Why are you thinking of closing on a house with someone who can't accept this part of who you are. You seriously need to sit down with her right now. Talk to her about this again, and if your diapers is something she just can't get over then you need to back out of that house now.

Do not wait and make things worse.

Click to expand...

This. If you close on a house in a week then time is running out. It's going to be uncomfortable and maybe (probably) even painful, but a response like that is telling you something about her. I mean, she's jumping to the pedophile thing? Do you really want to live with, let alone be in a relationship with, someone who's got that sitting in the back of their mind about you? I wouldn't tolerate it and I don't think any of us should. This is all my opinion of course, but I've spent the majority of my life worrying about how my significant others are going to deal with my AB/DL side, instead of realizing that those who can't/wont't deal with it can (and should) go.
My suggestion is if you've had any doubts about this relationship you've been ignoring, now is the time to address those. You've committed a lot of time to this thing already, give some serious thought to whether or not you want to commit more.

So how did it go?

I have sort of let the issue go by the way side. I will enjoy my alternate lifestyle when she is not around. We did end up closing on the house. It's all good...

babyto said:

I have sort of let the issue go by the way side. I will enjoy my alternate lifestyle when she is not around. We did end up closing on the house. It's all good...

Click to expand...

I can totally understand not wanting to give up the relationship you have or the investment in it that you have made together.

I think many members here have found an equilibrium where they enjoy this side of themselves in private ... "out of sight and out of mind" as it were, so it's certainly viable.

For many years I lived in a limbo state - my wife knew that I had these interests, and there were elements of Caregiver/little dynamic that made it into our 'playtime' ... but alone that was far from satisfying my ...obsession, and so there was a lot I would keep hidden. I personally found myself increasingly stressed and... feeling almost unfaithful... when I had to keep such an intense part of my psyche completely hidden, and when my private activities were becoming increasingly involved.

Anyhoo to offer perhaps a note of hope, I eventually 'came out' *again* to my wife... and despite her previous reaction (not as strong as your S/O's but still clearly in the 'I don't want to see or hear about it ever' space)... she was much more open to it the second time around. We now have a reached a balance where it's an open part of our relationship and even if not everything I do is to her taste, she's comfortable and aware of it all (and sometimes requires blushy accounts)...

Everybody is different, but I hope the best for you!