Dating with Incontinence

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I was married for almost 13 years and became IC (severe bowel urgency after a long ago surgery) halfway through the marrige. The IC wasn't the issue. I owned my own business and was a workaholic. She complained that I was never home and ignored her. Part true but mostly false. She knew how I was. Working hard was a gene fault. She had known me since she was in 4th grade and lived with me for 2 years before we married. I was always working. She eventually had an affair and I ended it right there. I've now been single longer than I was married. I've been in several serious relationships since the divorce. I didn't divulge private info until the relationship developed to the point where it became logical and neccessary. I only had one that kind of faded. She didn't just say "eww" and walk out. It was just something that sort of lost it's mutual attraction. The others went well and looked like they might actually move ahead. I have to admit that since becoming IC I have a tendency to sabatage things when they begin to get really serious. One of them actually said I had problems with commitment and intimacy. There might be a grain of truth to that but only since becoming IC. I was comfortable and content with my single status. I wasn't exactly a serial dater but I had a few on call were we "mutually used" each other. I had a system were I would give myself an enema (which I hate) and take some imodium. Going out sans diapers always made me nervous in the beginning but I grew more confident over time and practice. I always knew it wasn't a long term solution but in the short term it worked well. I do have a conscience and felt bad about using these "booty calls" to get something. When I found the last one before my current girlfriend I thought she would be it. She was smart, sweet and understanding not to mention drop dead gorgeous. But she was pushing for marrige within months. It scared me. She had never lived with me and even though her brother was IC after a severe brain injury and prolonged coma ( motorcycle accident - no helmet ), she hadn't lived with a bowel urgent incontinent person. I told her everything and she was very accepting and understanding. She had slept with me and saw me in diapers on numerous occasions but I always changed in private and had been using Nullo for years so her impressions might not have been acurate. The push towards marrige turned me off and while I really loved her I just lost interest. Probably because of the fear that her interest would fade once we were living together and it was more in her face. Packs of disposables, cloth pull-up diapers and plastic pants on shelves in the closet. She knew I had and used these things but she had never been around it full time. The final nail in the coffin was when she wanted me to sell my place on the lake, move in with her and we could use the money to by a cottage on the shores of Lake Michigan on Michigan's west coast. It was all too much for me. I loved my place. As it turned out, more than I loved her. Our parting was difficult for both of us but it was me that pulled the plug and it hurt her badly. I still feel like an ass for the way I ended it. I slowly settled into the idea of just staying single. I liked and accepted myself with the way I am and decided it would be easier to live without complications. Then I met my present girlfiend. I met her when I was in the hospital for a uti that was affecting my kidneys. I started to run a dangerously high fever and ended up in the ICU. For some reason never adequately explained to me, I was placed in a medically induced coma for almost a week. When I was put back in a regular room she was one of the nurses who cared for me. She struck me as a terminally cute free spirit who loved to hang out in my room. Probably because I was one of the only patients who wasn't sceaming bloody murder and complaining thru out the night. She was also a major flirt but when it came to nursing care she was the complete professional. Caring, compasionate and more than competent. By that time I had been in diapers for years and had come to terms with my circumstances. Embarrassed with having my soiled diapers changed? In a word, yes. But her bedside manner and constant, good natured chatter put me at ease. Long story short, I learned she was single/never married. No kids and 5 years my junior. After release I waited to fully recover and returned to her floor with some pizzas to thank all the nurses who took care of me. I also brought some flowers for my "favorite" nurse. I left with her number and we went horseback riding a week later. I started taking her to the symphony which she had never been to. She loved it. We would go down town and hit blues and jazz clubs with an occasional trip to Lake Geneva or over to the western shore of Michigan on the lake to camp. She would sometimes insist on helping me change my diapers although this still embarrassed me to no end. She knew it and would laugh at my modest nature. She would always play close attention to cleaning my privates which as you might guess would often lead to more intimate pursuits. We have been together for almost 3 years. We don't live together and there has been no talk of marrige. We both seem to enjoy the status quo and each other's company. It just goes to show that it will happen when it happens. Never saw it coming but eternally greatful that it did. I think my own selfconfidence had a lot to do with it. I never freaked out when I had a load in my diapers. I just said I would need to clean-up soon and she always asked if I needed help. I almost always declined but when home or at her place she sometimes insisted. I think she was impressed with how I handled the whole thing. Using Nullo was a big plus especially after hearing some of her stories about smelly diaper bombs and colostomy bag blow-ups. She could make me gag which isn't easy. She'd just laugh. Using metamucil like I do (to keep things solid) made clean-up so much easier because stool wouldn't really stick to me. I had to take 3 to 5 doses a day to keep things an exceptable consistancy so I did have increased frequency and volume. It did take some plannining to be intimate. After a diaper change it was safe for at least a couple of hours. If it wasn't right after a change I would do the enema routine (which I hate but you do what you have to do). She loves her work and is good at it (I should know). She's not planning on retiring anytime soon and thats ok. We spend a lot of time together but I don't feel crowded. I still have plenty of time for golf, we both go to mass together and she loves to kayak. Our nights at the symphony, resturants and clubs makes her happy. I love to see her happy. I do realize not everyone is lucky in love. But keep your eyes open but don't push it. If it's right you both will know it.

- - - Updated - - -

I was married for almost 13 years and became IC (severe bowel urgency after a long ago surgery) halfway through the marrige. The IC wasn't the issue. I owned my own business and was a workaholic. She complained that I was never home and ignored her. Part true but mostly false. She knew how I was. Working hard was a gene fault. She had known me since she was in 4th grade and lived with me for 2 years before we married. I was always working. She eventually had an affair and I ended it right there. I've now been single longer than I was married. I've been in several serious relationships since the divorce. I didn't divulge private info until the relationship developed to the point where it became logical and neccessary. I only had one that kind of faded. She didn't just say "eww" and walk out. It was just something that sort of lost it's mutual attraction. The others went well and looked like they might actually move ahead. I have to admit that since becoming IC I have a tendency to sabatage things when they begin to get really serious. One of them actually said I had problems with commitment and intimacy. There might be a grain of truth to that but only since becoming IC. I was comfortable and content with my single status. I wasn't exactly a serial dater but I had a few on call were we "mutually used" each other. I had a system were I would give myself an enema (which I hate) and take some imodium. Going out sans diapers always made me nervous in the beginning but I grew more confident over time and practice. I always knew it wasn't a long term solution but in the short term it worked well. I do have a conscience and felt bad about using these "booty calls" to get something. When I found the last one before my current girlfriend I thought she would be it. She was smart, sweet and understanding not to mention drop dead gorgeous. But she was pushing for marrige within months. It scared me. She had never lived with me and even though her brother was IC after a severe brain injury and prolonged coma ( motorcycle accident - no helmet ), she hadn't lived with a bowel urgent incontinent person. I told her everything and she was very accepting and understanding. She had slept with me and saw me in diapers on numerous occasions but I always changed in private and had been using Nullo for years so her impressions might not have been acurate. The push towards marrige turned me off and while I really loved her I just lost interest. Probably because of the fear that her interest would fade once we were living together and it was more in her face. Packs of disposables, cloth pull-up diapers and plastic pants on shelves in the closet. She knew I had and used these things but she had never been around it full time. The final nail in the coffin was when she wanted me to sell my place on the lake, move in with her and we could use the money to by a cottage on the shores of Lake Michigan on Michigan's west coast. It was all too much for me. I loved my place. As it turned out, more than I loved her. Our parting was difficult for both of us but it was me that pulled the plug and it hurt her badly. I still feel like an ass for the way I ended it. I slowly settled into the idea of just staying single. I liked and accepted myself with the way I am and decided it would be easier to live without complications. Then I met my present girlfiend. I met her when I was in the hospital for a uti that was affecting my kidneys. I started to run a dangerously high fever and ended up in the ICU. For some reason never adequately explained to me, I was placed in a medically induced coma for almost a week. When I was put back in a regular room she was one of the nurses who cared for me. She struck me as a terminally cute free spirit who loved to hang out in my room. Probably because I was one of the only patients who wasn't sceaming bloody murder and complaining thru out the night. She was also a major flirt but when it came to nursing care she was the complete professional. Caring, compasionate and more than competent. By that time I had been in diapers for years and had come to terms with my circumstances. Embarrassed with having my soiled diapers changed? In a word, yes. But her bedside manner and constant, good natured chatter put me at ease. Long story short, I learned she was single/never married. No kids and 5 years my junior. After release I waited to fully recover and returned to her floor with some pizzas to thank all the nurses who took care of me. I also brought some flowers for my "favorite" nurse. I left with her number and we went horseback riding a week later. I started taking her to the symphony which she had never been to. She loved it. We would go down town and hit blues and jazz clubs with an occasional trip to Lake Geneva or over to the western shore of Michigan on the lake to camp. She would sometimes insist on helping me change my diapers although this still embarrassed me to no end. She knew it and would laugh at my modest nature. She would always play close attention to cleaning my privates which as you might guess would often lead to more intimate pursuits. We have been together for almost 3 years. We don't live together and there has been no talk of marrige. We both seem to enjoy the status quo and each other's company. It just goes to show that it will happen when it happens. Never saw it coming but eternally greatful that it did. I think my own selfconfidence had a lot to do with it. I never freaked out when I had a load in my diapers. I just said I would need to clean-up soon and she always asked if I needed help. I almost always declined but when home or at her place she sometimes insisted. I think she was impressed with how I handled the whole thing. Using Nullo was a big plus especially after hearing some of her stories about smelly diaper bombs and colostomy bag blow-ups. She could make me gag which isn't easy. She'd just laugh. Using metamucil like I do (to keep things solid) made clean-up so much easier because stool wouldn't really stick to me. I had to take 3 to 5 doses a day to keep things an exceptable consistancy so I did have increased frequency and volume. It did take some plannining to be intimate. After a diaper change it was safe for at least a couple of hours. If it wasn't right after a change I would do the enema routine (which I hate but you do what you have to do). She loves her work and is good at it (I should know). She's not planning on retiring anytime soon and thats ok. We spend a lot of time together but I don't feel crowded. I still have plenty of time for golf, we both go to mass together and she loves to kayak. Our nights at the symphony, resturants and clubs makes her happy. I love to see her happy. I do realize not everyone is lucky in love. But keep your eyes open but don't push it. If it's right you both will know it.
 
Thoughts

I am sorry to hear that you have been left after the person found out about your bowel incontinence. It is sad to hear about the lack of understanding and thoughtfulness being left means.

That said, I very much agree with you that being with someone who is incontinent, one or the other, or both, may not always be a walk in the park. Still - I like to believe that being with someone, loving someone, helps us look beyond these things and that we instead enjoy having found our hearts' chosen.

Very good point about being surrounded by people who have control. I have not thought about it like that before, but you are right, and in a way it sums up the challenge of being incontinent - the lack of control, the "messiness" and the fact that it is a disability that is initially (until they see our nappies/protection/diapers) invisible and also is about our private areas.
It sort of a double negative - many consider it "yucky" and as grown ups (or teenagers for that matter) we are expected to have control. It is like only children are allowed to wet themselves, but only barely - parents gets very anxious if their kids are not dry quickly.

The stigma and lack of knowledge about incontinence would probably be a far smaller problem if we had been more clever/daring/active in talking about it, in sharing our stories (other places than here) and so on, but I am the first to admit that it is far easier said than done.
We have ourselves to think about, our reputation, our jobs and so on, so being very visible as person who wets him-/herself or messes him-/herself, is definitely not something to "seek".
That said, there are obviously people who have no problems telling about it and who have had no issues with it.
I only wish I had the same courage, the same colleagues and same neighbours. :smile:

And I definitely wish many of us who cross paths in places like this had lived closer and could have met over a coffee or whatever. :smile:
Yet, you are so right - we should look for (which I guess is what most of us do) a person who we like, who likes us and who accepts us, and not necessarily another incontinent person. As I have mentioned in another post - I would not mind if she was incontinent, since there would be so much that would not be an issue then, but the most important will always be that we go along and like each other in the first place.

Warm thoughts and best wishes,
E. :smile:


miapeters said:
I'm not any good in those department either but I'm mostly afraid that the person will turn out to not really liked the idea after finding out. And quite surprisingly you'd think a guy wouldn't leave right after he has found out but it's happened to me a few times........ I thought they would be more thoughtful but no, it was a little disheartening at first but dating someone with severe incontinence issues isn't just another date I guess. Honestly I don't know and it bums me out eveytime I think about it.
I have never met someone dealing with bowel incontinence like I have, I have met urinary incontinent people especially at physiotherapy, I think that's part of my problem. I know I'm not alone in this but that's what it feels like everyday "surrounded by people who have control" is what takes over my mind when I'm feeling down and depressed. Either way I think it's important to try to be happy alone, and you don't HAVE to look for an incontinent person to date, anyone who accepts you for who you are and what you have to deal with is worth trying for. I myself am skeptical any guy would want to date me, but my skepticism isn't the reality.
 
Earthling said:
I am sorry to hear that you have been left after the person found out about your bowel incontinence. It is sad to hear about the lack of understanding and thoughtfulness being left means.

That said, I very much agree with you that being with someone who is incontinent, one or the other, or both, may not always be a walk in the park. Still - I like to believe that being with someone, loving someone, helps us look beyond these things and that we instead enjoy having found our hearts' chosen.

Very good point about being surrounded by people who have control. I have not thought about it like that before, but you are right, and in a way it sums up the challenge of being incontinent - the lack of control, the "messiness" and the fact that it is a disability that is initially (until they see our nappies/protection/diapers) invisible and also is about our private areas.
It sort of a double negative - many consider it "yucky" and as grown ups (or teenagers for that matter) we are expected to have control. It is like only children are allowed to wet themselves, but only barely - parents gets very anxious if their kids are not dry quickly.

The stigma and lack of knowledge about incontinence would probably be a far smaller problem if we had been more clever/daring/active in talking about it, in sharing our stories (other places than here) and so on, but I am the first to admit that it is far easier said than done.
We have ourselves to think about, our reputation, our jobs and so on, so being very visible as person who wets him-/herself or messes him-/herself, is definitely not something to "seek".
That said, there are obviously people who have no problems telling about it and who have had no issues with it.
I only wish I had the same courage, the same colleagues and same neighbours. [emoji2]

And I definitely wish many of us who cross paths in places like this had lived closer and could have met over a coffee or whatever. [emoji2]
Yet, you are so right - we should look for (which I guess is what most of us do) a person who we like, who likes us and who accepts us, and not necessarily another incontinent person. As I have mentioned in another post - I would not mind if she was incontinent, since there would be so much that would not be an issue then, but the most important will always be that we go along and like each other in the first place.

Warm thoughts and best wishes,
E. [emoji2]
I think a lot of my backwards look on pursuing a relationship sometimes it's because of the stress...... There are times especially recently when my accidents have caused me to worry too much about. I wet frequently too so spending time in a completely dry brief is very brief (had to use that pun [emoji14] )

I've been in one serious relationship which didn't really go far. Being intimate is something I don't think I can still get over and do mainly because accidents are so random and unpredictable. There have been a few times where I have had accidents during examinations which was pure hell and embarrassment. I feel like in top of uni and these problems a relationship would be too much for me to handle.
 
There is a lot on your plate. I think the best course of action is to focuss on your school work and put more effort in choosing a major that would fit with your deficits. You also need to be as social as you can manage. Time will always be a constraint when serious pursuit of academics is involved and remains a top priority. But do try and find the time for at least some socialising. All work and no play is a bad combination. It is also stagnating. Limit it to whats comfortable and fits your schedule. You will be surprised at the interest people will show you the better they get to know you. Don't take sympathy for your circumstances as a bad thing. Leave no stone unturned when pursuing friendship. You will be rewarded when you least expect it. My present situation was just the luck of the draw. Compltely unexpected. The right timing and the right person. Doesn't happen all the time but it does happen. Keeping as much of a confident, positive attitude as you can manage will pay dividends in the long run. My secret was to be patient and not to push. When a situation presented itself I didn't go into hiding. I tried to be open and honest. Granted, my girlfriend is a hospital nurse so my difficulties were really a non-issue for her. Lucky me. I also try to be as giving of myself as I can. Selfish, high maintinence people, whether living with deficits or completely healthy, can proove to be more trouble than they're worth. Your # 1 priority should be to be happy. It's my default position.
 
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