Should i tell her?

So i debated putting this in the mature section but i feel it applys here also. If a mod feels its better suited in mature section feel free to move it.

So ive been roommates with this girl i use to work with for almost a year now. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of 4-5 years. I know she has feelings for me she has even confessed to me she did near the end of her relationship when things were not doing well. We are not together yet because she is still working through things and even told me she doesnt want me to end up being her rebound and end up ruining our friendship. In the near future though it is a possibility that we will end up together. The part of this im freaking out about is she doesnt know about my abdl side. And lately been making comments like "i wish people would stop acting like toddlers."
Even though she is probably not talking about me it feels directed at me. Maybe she knows and has said nothing? Maybe im just being paranoid.

So i was hoping to get some advice from people who have told their significant other.

If we do end up together should i tell her right away, should i wait? If so how long?
This is going to be my first relationship. Uncharted territory. Dont want to screw things up. She is very liberal and open minded. She ways says things like "you just keep being you" A small part of me feels she already knows or at least knows i wear diapers and has said nothing as not to embarrass me and is just waiting for me to confess to her. Cause i wear around her all the time (under my pants of course) but there are times i feel my shirt has ridden up just enough for her to see and once or twice she has given me a long hug and her hand has wandered right where my waist line is. And a few times i know she has grabbed dishes from my room and i sometimes accidentally leave the box in my closet open that has my diapers. i honestly don't think that she would mind that im abdl. I could be wrong though.

Idk... Just alot on my mind.. I dont even know where I'd even start on explaining this to her. Kind of freaking a bit. I can tell she really wants to be with me but is probably holding back since she is still processing the break up. Again we have sat down and talked about this so i know she is still processing things. Ive never been in a relationship before so feeling crazy nervous about that also. The fact that she doesn't know (to my knowledge) that im ABDL has me even more anxious.

Any advice is welcome.

I'd say my honest advice, wait and test the waters. There is no reason to tell her right now.

HMMMMM, tough call. There will certainly be people who would say, "don't tell" at least for right now. As for me, I'm more of a 'be open about it' kind of person, at least to those who are close to you that you trust will love you regardless. However, I think for sure that you should spend at least a week considering the pro's and con's of this situation, and what you think are some of the likely and less likely outcomes. Just remember that you are the best judge for this situation, the rest of us really don't know the total scope of what she is like.

Also, I am not a prime example of somebody who has success in telling a non-AB/DL person I am in a relationship with that I am AB/DL. I did do it, and she stuck around for a while after that, and technically it wasn't even the reason we broke up (I think). Actually, she tried pretty hard to make it somehow work, which kudos for her considering that she grew up strict Mormon and home schooled. Strangely I think what broke it was that I was in favor of Gay marriage, funny how people can get so caught up about that. Oh well, I'm not Mormon anymore so I wouldn't have been a good match. Lesson being about that whole sidetrack is, that when two people are really into each other, they tend to look past abnormal things, at least a decent few of them until it feels like its non stop. Or so I think, I don't know. Life, bleh, why am I up this late! I need a real job!

So, my advice.

Take some time to ask these questions, and chart them out on paper or at least in your head.

1. If I told her now, what am I hoping to get out of it?
(If you are just hoping to show her honesty because you don't want the drama of relationship problems with a room mate who rejects your AB/DL side after becoming romantic, then I think you have a decent case, if you are hoping for more than that, then you might want to ask if that desire is a reasonable expectation)

2. If I tell her at all, ignoring the possibility of a relationship, what am I hoping to get out of it?
(Don't necessarily approach this when talking to her as, "I wan't to tell you this in case you were considering dating me." Instead, think about reasons why you might want to, or not want to, tell her just as a friend, that way telling her about your AB/DL side doesn't have to be a visible attempt at progressing your relationship with her. It might come out less threatening, and it is probably just a better approach anyway. Think about if you feel any need to have friendly support, or a more comfortable atmosphere for not feeling afraid about ordering diapers. Is there some friendship based reason for why you would tell her? There was for me when I told my friends, I just needed emotional support and physical validation that I wasn't psycho)

3. If I tell her now, will that cause housing problems if she dislikes my AB/DL side, regardless of what effects it may have on our romantic prospects?
(If this is something you feel could be a problem, and she becomes uncomfortable about living with you, causing your housing to become less stable, then you may consider not telling her until your relationship and ability to judge her response becomes a little bit stronger.)

4. What level of acceptance from a partner do I need towards my AB/DL side in order to feel happy in a relationship?
(If you need a high level of acceptance, such as some amount of involvement, then you might as well just get it out now [unless question 3 is an issue] and figure out if your AB/DL side is weird enough for her to call a relationship off, because if she still isn't open to a relationship with you after knowing, then she probably wouldn't be too into involvement after being in a relationship and finding out. That is just my assumption though. If you instead just want her to be accepting and let you have your own time to spend in diapers every once in a while, then it may be perfectly reasonable to wait until you both have entered a romantic stage.)

5. How much trust do I have in her? How strong is our friendship?
(Remember that a romantic relationship is just a long term goal, make sure that you aren't committing social suicide by talking about this with somebody who could use it to destroy your social life, if you have good reason to trust her, and don't think you will scare her out of the house, then maybe being open about this will just help solidify trust, which knowing you can be open with somebody else is a great start to a relationship, if one happens.)

6. What is my personal opinion on how soon somebody I'm in a relationship with should know?
(I don't think there is a straight answer for this question, but I think there is a pretty strong argument for when it is far too late to tell. In my opinion, if you have any inclination that you are going to carry on your AB/DL habits into the future, then Marriage is far to late to be telling. I also feel like moving into a place with your partner is too late to tell [granted that you already live with said potential partner so we can exclude that]. I think there is a weird line between telling a partner before anything gets serious and after things have started getting serious. There is a strong argument for waiting because people need to get to know the whole you before they have to make a choice on if they are willing to deal with the quirks, however there is also the argument that it can take a lot of time in your life looking for people when they persistently have problems about this side of you after spending such a long time building a relationship. Honestly though, I think you might have a better chance having success by first taking time to get to know your potential partner before laying out the unusual stuff rather than just filtering out all potential partners by immediately checking if AB/DL is an issue. With your situation though, you already know said partner, so you are kind of past that phase, she can already kind of make a judgement if this quirk outweighs the rest of your personality or not.)


So, good luck, that is a tough situation. If it were me, I would probably tell her, but that is mainly because It has become a fundamental part of my life and it would immediately be difficult to not tell her (I mean, one step in my room and there is a ****ing crib, W00T).

My immediate assumptions are, that if you are wearing diapers often, and you are not being careful about your shirt and storage, she might have noticed. She probably wasn't talking about you when it comes to "people being toddlers," and she probably was just referencing people being stupid selfish brats, which are some of the bad associations with childishness. If you have been friends with her for quite a while, I doubt that she will give you problems when it comes to housing, but I would still consider it a decent threat to the potential of building a romantic relationship, however, telling her could also instill a strong amount of trust which would expedite your relationship tough call. If you want to get the stress of knowing out of the way and you already don't largely count on a relationship happening, then it might not be a huge problem to just tell. However, if you are just absolutely puppy eyed in love and think there is a good chance at something happening in the near future, then get your hormones in check, calm down, don't act any differently than you did before (including your reckless diaper behavior), and just let the relationship evolve naturally until you feel like it would be irresponsible to not disclose some of your deeper desires to your partner. Most people don't disclose deep desires to their partner for quite a while, so you shouldn't feel guilty about not disclosing this until you are a bit closer in your relationship.


Well, as flip floppy as that may have been. I hope I struck a few questions in your mind to think about. Good luck.

Hi,

in my honest opinion, it is always advisable to be up front. i have with both my relationships and both have been accepting, The problem comes if she finds out later, and you didnt tell her, That would be classed as lying.. There are a few reasons why i would tell her..

1. if she honestly likes you, then telling her will make no difference.
2. if she finds out about it later, she will believe you don't trust her enough which could end the relationship.
3. If she doesn't accept you for who you are, then the relationship would never work out anyway.

you can make it clear to her that you don't expect her to be involved, it is just something you need, and you are happy to keep her out of it, if you wish .

Its always worth being honest

babylea

I wouldn't tell her right away. However, if after a few dates it looks like you might want to be with her for a while, then eventually you will need to tell her anyways. Being up front and honest is the best approach so I wouldn't wait too long after that.

My suggestion is to go ahead and tell her. You have been roommates for almost a year. You stated that the fact that she doesn't know that you're ABDL has you even more anxious. Sit down and tell her that there is a part of you that you been hiding, but trying to keep it a secret from her has been making you anxious. Tell her you want to quit hiding it from her and then explain to her about what being ABDL means to you. She probably has some idea already. This does not need to be about how you two may be feeling about each other, or her recent breakup. Just keep it about wanting to be more relaxed at home without worrying that she might discover your secret. Good luck to you.

There's a few ways this could go, you tell her and she doesn't want to be with you but will still be friends. You could tell her while in a relationship and she might end it right there. She might not even like it all and won't want to be friends. Take it easy, see how it goes.


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DprEffect said:

"i wish people would stop acting like toddlers."

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I think she had in mind the fact that toddlers are selfish.

I dated my wife for 2 1/2 years before we were married. At about the one year mark, I felt a sense of guilt that I needed to share with her that I had a diaper fetish and was a DL (although I didn't know that that had a name at the time in 2007). That was the most vulnerable I had ever been. In the same conversation I told her about my disease where the back of my eyes are disintegrating and that I will eventually go blind (a rare disease called choroideremia) and I was basically giving her a free out because I was a guy that was into diapers and she would eventually have to take care of me. She said that she loved me and that she did not want to breakup. A year and a half later we were married (2008) and while I had told her about the diapers, I was still beyond uncomfortable talking about them let alone having her engage with me in diaper play...although she did ONCE about a month after we moved in. In the spring of 2013 I finally let her know how deeply I was sexually attracted to diapers and how I really wanted things to come to fruition on a more regular basis. This shot her anxiety through the roof because she thought it "came from a dark place". I fell into a DEEP depression on and off for the next few years. I even stayed for 30 days at an in-patient treatment center for depression and PTSD (I was raped and molested multiple times by my uncle when I was 5) after I had an emotional breakdown. What kept me in my depressed state was knowing that I didn't want to get a divorce and knowing that I didn't want to kill myself so knowing that I was going to be in this hell for the rest of my life, 'til death do us part' was unbearable. I even started smoking and gained a 60 pounds in hopes that if I trashed my health that it would hopefully shave a few years off of my life. My wife habitually would tell me that she felt that wearing diapers and masturbating with them felt as if I was cheating on her with another woman and that she would never sexually be enough for me. How are you supposed to compete with that? This has been going on for the last 5 years and it was AWFUL.

It wasn't until about 72 hours ago where I read an article from this group (https://www.adisc.org/forum/entry.php/10511-To-the-spouse-of-a-diaper-lover) that I sent to her, when something for the first time 'clicked' in my wife where she could fully accept me for whom I am. For other people that don't know what this affliction feels like (I've tried everything imaginable to try and beat/get rid of the diaper fetish and denounce being a DL), they think it's as easy as getting rid of an old t-shirt and don't understand why it's not that easy. After seriously contemplating death over Easter and weighing the pros and cons of ending my life, I had a brutal honesty session with her and told her that I need the diapers, among other things, and for the first time in years, I became excited about life again.

I say all that to say this: tell her everything upfront because it is better for her to fully know what she is getting into NOW than invest her time into your relationship only to have both of you resent each other later on and you both are miserable.

To the rest of the group: I feel like someone out there needs to read my story because you never know what kind of impact you may have on someone else. ornitorrinco has effectively changed my life and he wrote that 2 years ago. Brutal honest, while uncomfortable, will save you in the long run.

Idk

To everyone thanks for the suggestions and advice. from what ive seen I think im going to wait. If we start dating This will be something i tell her. but as roommates i honestly feel its not her business. While i'm a bit lax at hiding it (leaving my box open). she to my knowledge respects my privacy and if she does know, i feel if it was an issue she would have made a big deal out of it by now. If we start dating then i will bring it up very early into our relationship but if not i dont plan to tell her. this part of me is something i keep very private. and would be mortified if other friends and family found out.

DprEffect said:

To everyone thanks for the suggestions and advice. from what ive seen I think im going to wait. If we start dating This will be something i tell her. but as roommates i honestly feel its not her business.

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This makes sense to me! Good luck with the possibly dating! ^_^