"I can't keep denying it"

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LittleJess

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God, being transgender is driving me mental, I can't keep denying it from myself, it's driving me mental.

I'm unintentionally repressing myself, and it's driving me mental, no wonder I'm suicidal all the time, I hate suppressing myself.

To be honest with you, my body parts not matching my gender is driving me mental.

I can't keep living the lie of being male any longer, I'm a female and it's driving me bat shit insane hiding this from myself.

Having the wrong body parts is driving me mental, no matter how much I Keep denying or suppressing it from myself, it never works.

Diapers help me mentally with hiding the fact I've got the wrong body parts, maybe that's what drew me to diapers in the first place.

I'm a girl, and I Keep denying that, I'm trying to pass off as "male" but I'm not and it's causing some distress.

I DOn't know what to do, this is a major factor in my issues, other than what's going on at home, I've had a small break to try connect with myself, and work out who I am.

Is it normal to want to literally cut my male parts off? diapers help mask that but honestly I want my male parts GONE i want to "physically" match before it's too late.

sorry, but jesus chirst, this is driving me mental, never had a "inner" crisis like this before.
 
For me, being TG has been a similar experience. I describe having the wrong anatomy as being somewhat like an amputee experiencing phantom limb syndrome -- the brain's map of the body's layout doesn't match what's physically there, and that alone causes distress. But with TG it's just the tip of the iceberg. There's the whole social aspect, having to learn how to "act appropriately" to one's perceived gender -- for the MtF, learning not to cry, not to show emotion, not to be overeager to comfort someone else (it will be interpreted as a sexual advance), to keep hands in pockets to avoid gesturing too much, to rephrase things so that they sound less emotive and more casual, etc, etc. It's playing a role that feels forced upon, and after playing a role your whole life it becomes very hard to recover your true self -- you forget who you are because unlike your cisgendered peers, you haven't been exploring and getting to know yourself as you've grown up, you've done the opposite. It takes time and effort to gradually shed the persona you've constructed to "fit in" and get by, to discover your real self underneath... but the longer it is repressed, the louder it will scream.

*hugs* I had to reach a crisis point myself where I just couldn't ignore it any longer and knew I had to do something. But it's a long road... and in the beginning it truly felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and everything was in freefall. It's a strange thing to realize you scarcely know yourself because you've never really expressed it.
 
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Binary, it is obvious to me you are pleading for help. I am not medically trained, but I will offer what I can.
First read this article (follow the indicated path to it)
FORUM --) ARTICLES --) ABOUT ADISC --) SUICIDE HOT LINES ( may not be the exact name but it should be the first article listed or very close to it. )
Second, don't be afraid to call one of the hot lines for help. It may help if you will read your post to them, and even though just a talk with them may be all you need at this time, write down any information they give you ( HINT: have paper, pens, pencils, etc., on hand before you call them. ) and then follow their instructions. There is also a Transgender help number listed in the article. Call them also and write down any information they give you. There may be several phone numbers given you during each call, so be sure to write them down, along with a general description as to who and what the numbers are for.
DO THESE THINGS NOW, I IMPLORE YOU.
Lots of huggles and warm fuzzies to you, and the best of luck on your journey. It will not be easy.
THIRD. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
 
I feel the same way at times but I remember that the male body parts will be gone in a few years when they introduce the cheek cell gas
 
Binary said:
God, being transgender is driving me mental, I can't keep denying it from myself, it's driving me mental.

I'm unintentionally repressing myself, and it's driving me mental, no wonder I'm suicidal all the time, I hate suppressing myself.

To be honest with you, my body parts not matching my gender is driving me mental.

I can't keep living the lie of being male any longer, I'm a female and it's driving me bat shit insane hiding this from myself.

Having the wrong body parts is driving me mental, no matter how much I Keep denying or suppressing it from myself, it never works.

Diapers help me mentally with hiding the fact I've got the wrong body parts, maybe that's what drew me to diapers in the first place.

I'm a girl, and I Keep denying that, I'm trying to pass off as "male" but I'm not and it's causing some distress.

I DOn't know what to do, this is a major factor in my issues, other than what's going on at home, I've had a small break to try connect with myself, and work out who I am.

Is it normal to want to literally cut my male parts off? diapers help mask that but honestly I want my male parts GONE i want to "physically" match before it's too late.

sorry, but jesus chirst, this is driving me mental, never had a "inner" crisis like this before.

Ok is there a transgender center near you . I'm not Shure what you have down under.
In the us we have them secaterd all over .
That may be your best bet.
 
Binary,

What you're feeling is not uncommon. You need to find somebody to talk to who has been there. ADISC is great, but it's not really all that focused on TG and Gender Identity issues. There are many sites that ARE focused on Gender Identity issues, where you can find people who have been where you are, and can help you find your way through.

One such place is http://www.lauras-playground.com/It only takes a few moments to register, and then there is a treasure trove of useful information and support for you. I only recently re-joined the website, but they are as active and supportive as ever.
 
BritneyShagwell said:
Binary,

What you're feeling is not uncommon. You need to find somebody to talk to who has been there. ADISC is great, but it's not really all that focused on TG and Gender Identity issues. There are many sites that ARE focused on Gender Identity issues, where you can find people who have been where you are, and can help you find your way through.

One such place is http://www.lauras-playground.com/It only takes a few moments to register, and then there is a treasure trove of useful information and support for you. I only recently re-joined the website, but they are as active and supportive as ever.

I used to go there, I can vouch for it. I feel like the site has changed quite substantially though since the last time I been there XD.
 
I'm sorry to see you're going through this. While I myself am not transgendered, my new sister is. SHE has told me that after coming out of the injustices, difficulties, and hardships she has gone through so far (even before her SRS). Oh and she and the ACLU are heading a major lawsuit again a big bulk food "club" you need a membership too.

And through all of it, being true to herself through all of this has been less stressful to here than before she came out. With this in mind, I'd have to recommend that before all else, you stay truthful with yourself first. It is time for you to start seeing a transgender therapist.
 
So many of us have been there, Binary. I know I was there many, many times before I finally succumbed to the pain. (Somehow I managed to suppress it for years, but it is strong; our gender is too intrinsic a part of who we are to be held down.) But I will tell you a couple of things I learned through hard life battles and therapy: you are a girl. That's a fundamental truth, not just a statement you need to keep telling yourself, and what is on the outside doesn't matter one bit. That being said, I was like you: I just wanted that stuff gone. All my life. I can't tell you the number of times I stood in the shower, having tucked everything behind, staring at my smoothness, wishing desperately that this would be what it was always like. But I discovered, when I finally went to have surgery, that there was a purpose for the damned thing after all: without it, the doctor could not create a vagina. Personally, I never had much of one (for which I was always grateful), but that was actually, in the end, a mixed blessing: not as much to invert. So even the very worst part of you right now has value. And you have great value; you need to recognize that.

At 19, I believed utterly that I could never have surgery. That's why I made the decision to live my life as the best facsimile of a man as I could. I did a decent job: my heart was in my life, if not my alleged manhood, because I was doing something I loved. But even so, I could not hold on. A decade later I began what was to be a decade of collapse leading to transition. I risked everything: my marriage, my career, everything, because I had to. Some things stayed intact; some didn't. Life went on, and I was myself as I could not have imagined being at 19. Somewhere in there I made a vow to myself, and I recommend that you make the same one: when I go to my grave, I'm going there as a woman. Fate had robbed me of so much, but I was not going to let it rob me of the chance to live as the female I knew I was: somehow I was going to make it happen. For me, it took until I was 40. For you, who knows? Maybe you'll be 21. But we're sisters, you and I, so I know: it will happen.

Slomo is right: find a good transgender therapist, someone who is knowledgable in this area and can help guide you along the way. You should be able to do so. I don't know where you are; someone above suggested you're Down Under, and that's fine: there should be plenty to find there, and you have socialized medicine. Start seeing someone as soon as possible. It's important. And there are a couple of good websites I might point you to: tsroadmap.com comes to mind for plentiful information, and transsexual.org for a simple, friendly format and general answers to common questions.

Oh, and Slomo and others? No biggie, but it's "transgender," not "transgendered." :)
 
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Hi Binary, I can feel your anguish from your post and really glad you have reached out for help. You do need to get some help with your identity and the first step is to take a breathe and start your journey. Where it leads I do not know, only you can find your destination and the stops along the way. I have found some resources down under that you may wish to take a look at. I thoroughly recommend speaking with people in the know, it really helps to have someone ask the right questions. As I do not know where exactly you are, I searched Aus in general. Hope these help get you started.

http://au.reachout.com/lgbtiq-support-services

http://www.transgendervictoria.com/what-we-do/resources

http://www.atsaq.com/new-links-support.html
 
kerry said:
Oh, and Slomo and others? It's "transgender," not "transgendered." :)
Hmm ... is this like one of those things where there are some people who are insulted by a small variation in the way someone says something? I know there are some transgender individuals who also get insulted about being called trans. I don't get it. When will people learn a word is only as insulting as you let it be? -.-
 
I think there may be some who are insulted; I don't know. But I do know that it's the correct usage of the word. :)
 
kerry said:
I think there may be some who are insulted; I don't know. But I do know that it's the correct usage of the word. :)

Right, I know I have used both transgender and transgendered in the past. My spell check also doesn't set it off as being spelled incorrectly, so as far as I have been concerned, it seems to at least be correct. *shrugs* Who decided transgendered isn't a correct usage?
 
"Transgendered" seems grammatically incorrect. It's not a verb. I dont know why people add an "ed" to it. I'm generally not that picky about grammar, but it annoys me slightly in this case.... I can't help it. It just does. Nothing personal. Kinda funny, in a way, to imagine it as a verb though.... XD
 
ShippoFox said:
"Transgendered" seems grammatically incorrect. It's not a verb. I dont know why people add an "ed" to it. I'm generally not that picky about grammar, but it annoys me slightly in this case.... I can't help it. It just does. Nothing personal. Kinda funny, in a way, to imagine it as a verb though.... XD

Actually transgendered would be an adjective just like transgender is and most certainly is not grammatically incorrect. "That person is transgendered" is grammatically correct. An adjective is a word that modifies or describes a noun. If you look up both words, transgender and transgendered is essentially the same thing and they are both adjectives. It really just depends on which way the person feels sounds better to them. None is wrong, and both are right. It's like math and maths.

Now both transgender and transgendered can be used in an insulting manner. A transgendered, or a transgender, where you end up turning it into a noun. "Look there is one of them transgender" would be offensive.

I am just saying it seems pointless to try and correct people on something that isn't technically incorrect, to begin with. If it annoys you ... well, sorry to hear. I know the way people say certain words tend to annoy people as well, but it being annoying to a person doesn't make it wrong.
 
It's ok, you're not wrong. I just looked it up. I forgot that some adjectives actually can end with ed. I think it may depend on how you use the word, though... not 100% sure.

I'm not really technically trying to correct anyone.... like I said, I usually don't care THAT much about grammar. I just don't like the way "transgendered" sounds. I can't explain why... it just bugs me slightly. I don't even see it as something horribly offensive or anything... just... an inexplicable pet peeve. :sweatdrop:
 
ShippoFox said:
It's ok, you're not wrong. I just looked it up. I forgot that some adjectives actually can end with ed. I think it may depend on how you use the word, though... not 100% sure.

I'm not really technically trying to correct anyone.... like I said, I usually don't care THAT much about grammar. I just don't like the way "transgendered" sounds. I can't explain why... it just bugs me slightly. I don't even see it as something horribly offensive or anything... just... an inexplicable pet peeve. :sweatdrop:

Ya, I understand XD. Like I said, it's like math and maths. I think maths sounds sort of annoying XD. As for the correcting part, I was saying that to Kerry mainly :p.
 
MarchinBunny said:
Actually transgendered would be an adjective just like transgender is and most certainly is not grammatically incorrect. "That person is transgendered" is grammatically correct. An adjective is a word that modifies or describes a noun. If you look up both words, transgender and transgendered is essentially the same thing and they are both adjectives. It really just depends on which way the person feels sounds better to them. None is wrong, and both are right. It's like math and maths.

Now both transgender and transgendered can be used in an insulting manner. A transgendered, or a transgender, where you end up turning it into a noun. "Look there is one of them transgender" would be offensive.

I am just saying it seems pointless to try and correct people on something that isn't technically incorrect, to begin with. If it annoys you ... well, sorry to hear. I know the way people say certain words tend to annoy people as well, but it being annoying to a person doesn't make it wrong.

What makes it "wrong" is the simple fact that transgender people prefer it a different way. I don't honestly know how either form can be "insulting," though. They are either true or not. And if you need an explanation of the term, it is this:

According to GLAAD:
[FONT=&quot]The adjective [/FONT]transgender [FONT=&quot]should never have an extraneous "-ed" tacked onto the end. An "-ed" suffix adds unnecessary length to the word and can cause tense confusion and grammatical errors. It also brings transgender into alignment with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer. You would not say that Elton John is "gayed" or Ellen DeGeneres is "lesbianed," therefore you would not say Chaz Bono is "transgendered."[/FONT]

From Time:
[FONT=&quot]When I recently asked San Francisco-based attorney Christina DiEdoardo, a transgender woman, how many out of 10 trans people she knows would say they dislike the word [/FONT]transgendered[FONT=&quot], she quickly answered: “11.”

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The consensus now seems to be that [/FONT]transgender[FONT=&quot] is better stylistically and grammatically,” DiEdoardo says. “In the same sense, I’m an Italian-American, not an [/FONT]Italianed-[FONT=&quot]American.” The most common objection to the word, says Serano, is that the “ed” makes it sound like “something has been done to us,” as if they weren’t the same person all along. DiEdoardo illustrates this point, hilariously, with a faux voiceover: “One day John Jones was leading a normal, middle-class American life when suddenly he was zapped with a transgender ray!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Moving away from the “ed”—which sounds like a past-tense, completed verb that marks a distinct time before and a time after— helps move away from some common misconceptions about what it means to be transgender.[/FONT]

Vox:
As trans advocate Joanne Herman noted in the Huffington Post, calling someone transgendered is a bit like calling someone "colored." "One problem with this label was that it implied something happened to make the person 'of color,' which denied the person's dignity of being born that way," Herman wrote. Similarly, transgendered suggests that being trans is something that happens to someone, as opposed to an identity someone is born with.

The implication behind transgendered flies in the face of science: people can know their gender identity at a very young age.
A recent study from the TransYouth Project found that transgender children as young as five years old respond to psychological gender-association tests, which evaluate how people view themselves within gender roles, as quickly and consistently as those who don't identify as trans.

I hope this is helpful.
 
Suicidal thoughts are very common in our (TG) community. Sadly transition doesn't take away the fear and pain. I don't like to give advice for various reasons but this is one of the few times I find it appropriate.

Talk to a TG councillor, be honest with yourself, be honest with your councillor, be willing to take risks, and address your fears.

It took some time to get over my pride (from the military) and my fears (mainly rejection) to even admit I needed help. The military was the most physically demanding but getting help and addressing my mind was the most demanding in general. It has also been the most rewarding.

On the otherside of that work I walked away with a greater understanding of myself and had a lot of tools to help me down the road.

Be well and hugs.
 
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kerry said:
What makes it "wrong" is the simple fact that transgender people prefer it a different way. I don't honestly know how either form can be "insulting," though. They are either true or not. And if you need an explanation of the term, it is this:

-snip-

I hope this is helpful.

It's not a very good expenation if you ask me. So some news outlets had a few people complain about it. I don't care. News outlets complain about stupid crap all the time, especially these days with all the SJW around. All it's doing is drawing up false comparisons and nothing more. Also, you can't honestly sit there say "transgender" people prefer it that way, when I am transgender myself and don't care. What ... am I not included in it for some reason?

Gayed and lesbianed does certainly sound weird no doubt and would giggle if someone used them that way, but it's a false comparison. Just because you can point to instances where it's not used doesn't mean it's not used for a different word. Also, they state transgender brings it in line with gay, lesbian, bi, etc but never explain why it needs it or why it matters. They say the -ed adds unnecessary length, but if it's about length then wouldn't trans also be better than transgender?

The second articles doesn't understand grammar.

The colored comparison to me is just stupid. I think calling people of color, is the same as calling them colored. Using them in a descriptive manner aka, as an adjective, there is nothing wrong with either. Grammatically both are correct, and anyone who has a problem with it is just be rediculous. As long as a person isn't going up to someone and saying "Hey, person of color, come over here."

Something very important to note Kerry is news and random people who write headlines and articles ... are not authorities on word use, and they certainly do not speak for all of those who are transgendered. <--- purposefully used

If some people have a problem with its use, then fine. Don't use it. But the moment you start telling others not to use it, because you don't use it is the moment I think it's going too far. Correct people when they need to be corrected. This to me is not one of those times. This is more about opinion, than it is about correction.
 
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