Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: I hate myself and I trust no one

  1. #1

    Default I hate myself and I trust no one

    There are so many things I hate about myself. Things I don't know how to change. It's pretty frustrating. Like, I can't stand how one person, a single person, that I wasn't even that close with, can drive me absolutly insane to the point that they ruined an entire social space for me. I can't focus anymore here. I can't think about anything but that person anytime I'm here.

    I took a break, and it didn't get better when I came back. It's absolutly so frustrating.

    I been trying so hard to change, to better myself here and there always seems to be things that set me back. I tell myself people care, but I don't see it. How do I trust anyone when you have people claim they care one minute and then ignore you the next. What did I do that was so wrong that required such an extreme measure? I don't understand why it goes on for so long. Why they hate me this much.


    Then on top, I hate how I feel like I always need to talk about this crap. Why I can't just let it go and forget without talking. At the end of the day this sort of shit isn't going to solve anything. Talking about it just makes matters worse.

    I hate how I feel like everyone secretly hates me. It always feels like everyone is against me. Anytime someone says that isn't the case there is always one other person to prove it wrong. Yes, if people didn't hate me ... why do I keep running into problems with people?

    I mean let's be honest here, how many people here ACTUALLY care about me to a degree that if I left they would be bothered? I don't mean like one of those quick concerned thoughts either. I mean if I was truely gone, never to return how many here would care? How many would shed a tear?

    You know what, don't answer any of that cause I don't beleive you anyway. Why should I? Why should I trust anyone anymore?


    I hate how I feel like I always have bad luck. Like nothing ever goes right in my life. How there is always someone there right behind me to tear me down. To kick me right back into the hole I been trying to climb out of. Sure, how about everyone stand in line. I will give everyone a turn to kick me, cause I havn't been kicked enough.

    You get a kick! You get a kick! Everyone gets a kick! Don't hold back, right in the face if you have to.


    Let's face it ... no one is ever on my side. I am just the monkey in the cage that everyone points and laughs at for amusement.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'll make a few points here, though I don't know if they will help.

    For a start, I don't do the "secret hate" thing. When I hate someone, I'm very open about it and there's really no mistaking it. I don't mince words. If you want an example, ask me about my stepmother.

    Secondly, I don't know that I would literally shed tears if ANYONE left ADISC, because I keep a certain emotional distance with online relationships, but I would be sad to see you go.

    Thirdly, talking is very important. It helps get things out and makes things easier to digest and understand, and the feedback from others can help put things in their proper perspective. It's a good thing! Why knock it?

    Lastly, for now... I'm not laughing at you, regardless of what you believe. *hugs*

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post

    I mean let's be honest here, how many people here ACTUALLY care about me to a degree that if I left they would be bothered? I don't mean like one of those quick concerned thoughts either. I mean if I was truely gone, never to return how many here would care? How many would shed a tear?

    You know what, don't answer any of that cause I don't beleive you anyway. Why should I? Why should I trust anyone anymore?
    You know, you're right that I don't know you very well, and if you left, it might not mean anything to me. But, that's because if you just left, I'd think you had drifted away, as many people do after a while, or because you were doing well and didn't feel like you needed support. So I wouldn't be upset because I'd think you were okay. On the other hand, if you left now, after a post like this, it would bother me. Not all the time because I'm not capable of thinking about ADISC and all the people I've spoken with here all the time. But sometimes. I'd remember this conversation, this post I'm making where I'm trying to let you know that I don't hate you and worry about it. Maybe even years later, it can be weird when these things strike you.

    As far as sides go, my advice is to not think about it like that. One of the problems that's easy to run into when you're feeling bad is holding onto a helpful person too hard. I'll use myself here. I have a full time job, write creatively in my free time, play video games, and also come onto ADISC once a day usually. I'd be happy to PM with you, to offer support on any issues, or specific advice if you happen to have questions that I can help about. But if you PMed me several times every day for a month, I'd probably fall behind in answering or even have to ask you to stop because I lack the resources to sustain a relationship like that. It would be harmful to me. There are a lot of people like me out there in the world though. People who are willing to help in limited ways, who don't hate you but also can't do everything you'd want from them.

    I think that goes into your thinking too. A person who helps one minute and ignores you the next is very rarely telling you that they don't care. Most often they're saying they don't know: they didn't see what you wanted them to, they took a day off checking ADISC, or got swamped with work and didn't have time to think of a response. Sometimes they're saying that they need to take care of their own health and need time for that before they can help you with yours. That doesn't mean they hate you, or even dislike you, but it does mean they can't help at certain times. Very, very rarely it might be the case that someone lies about caring, but far more often, care happens when a person is healthy and able to provide some of their time and is, sadly, lost when their own life demands cause them to lose the time they were previously giving you.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Sapphyre View Post
    I'll make a few points here, though I don't know if they will help.

    For a start, I don't do the "secret hate" thing. When I hate someone, I'm very open about it and there's really no mistaking it. I don't mince words. If you want an example, ask me about my stepmother.
    Right. I am more of the type that doesn't hate anyone. I may get frustrated and say I don't like someone, or I am growing to hate someone, but that typically is never the case. It's more that I hate the things they did or are doing. I don't like hating people at all. I don't even hate my family.

    However, I actually think it's why I find it so hard to trust people. I keep getting burned time and time again.



    Secondly, I don't know that I would literally shed tears if ANYONE left ADISC, because I keep a certain emotional distance with online relationships, but I would be sad to see you go.
    Ya, I suppose most people wouldn't shed tears for anyone here really.



    Thirdly, talking is very important. It helps get things out and makes things easier to digest and understand, and the feedback from others can help put things in their proper perspective. It's a good thing! Why knock it?
    Because people tell me good comes from it, and I often have bad come from it instead.



    Lastly, for now... I'm not laughing at you, regardless of what you believe. *hugs*
    Thanks *hugs back*



    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    You know, you're right that I don't know you very well, and if you left, it might not mean anything to me. But, that's because if you just left, I'd think you had drifted away, as many people do after a while, or because you were doing well and didn't feel like you needed support. So I wouldn't be upset because I'd think you were okay. On the other hand, if you left now, after a post like this, it would bother me. Not all the time because I'm not capable of thinking about ADISC and all the people I've spoken with here all the time. But sometimes. I'd remember this conversation, this post I'm making where I'm trying to let you know that I don't hate you and worry about it. Maybe even years later, it can be weird when these things strike you.
    Right, I suppose that is understandable.



    As far as sides go, my advice is to not think about it like that. One of the problems that's easy to run into when you're feeling bad is holding onto a helpful person too hard. I'll use myself here. I have a full time job, write creatively in my free time, play video games, and also come onto ADISC once a day usually. I'd be happy to PM with you, to offer support on any issues, or specific advice if you happen to have questions that I can help about. But if you PMed me several times every day for a month, I'd probably fall behind in answering or even have to ask you to stop because I lack the resources to sustain a relationship like that. It would be harmful to me. There are a lot of people like me out there in the world though. People who are willing to help in limited ways, who don't hate you but also can't do everything you'd want from them.

    I think that goes into your thinking too. A person who helps one minute and ignores you the next is very rarely telling you that they don't care. Most often they're saying they don't know: they didn't see what you wanted them to, they took a day off checking ADISC, or got swamped with work and didn't have time to think of a response. Sometimes they're saying that they need to take care of their own health and need time for that before they can help you with yours. That doesn't mean they hate you, or even dislike you, but it does mean they can't help at certain times. Very, very rarely it might be the case that someone lies about caring, but far more often, care happens when a person is healthy and able to provide some of their time and is, sadly, lost when their own life demands cause them to lose the time they were previously giving you.
    Right right. I for the most part when talking about being ignored am being quite literal. Like being blocked by someone. One minute they act as if they care, and the next minute they are blocking you. It doesn't particularly send a very caring message. To me it sends a message that they lied to me and they where pretending when they said all those caring things. How do I trust anyone when something like that occurs? I mean for all I know ... anyone who claims they care, may actually not deep down.

    With that said, I do have issues with attachment with others and these sort of things happen to me all the time where I feel like people don't care. But ... some people's actions don't help. All their actions do is confirm that I shouldn't trust anyone. I sometimes think that believing no one cares is irrational, but there is something always occuring that makes me believe that maybe it's not irrational at all. Maybe I really shouldn't trust anyone ever.

  5. #5

    Default

    We've had members on this site that I've been very attached to, especially when we had the younger members. There were some that they and I established very close ties. I've even had some call me on the phone, having established trust enough to exchange phone numbers.

    Sometimes members click with one another, but there's also an amount of effort put into that relationship. Often we click either because we identify with the same problems, or in my case, I experienced those problems when I was much younger and their age.

    This site taught me to really listen to what others are saying. When I first came on in 2008, we had members as young as 13 years of age, and since we were all anonymous and sworn to be honest, I was dumbfounded reading and hearing what some of our young members were honestly saying. It was shocking hearing how sad and sometimes frightened they were, living with Infantalism. Some were just discovering they were gay, or bi. Some were cutters and some had attempted suicide. They told stories that made me cry when I read them. I actually preached a sermon in my church about the voices of youth in our society based on our younger members.

    So you are heard. Sometimes I don't have answers. Sometimes, because I've responded so many times to members, that I'm tired, listening to myself. I sometimes take a back seat and let new members answers these repeating questions. But there are cries for help I will respond to, even if I feel like a worn out recording.

    I know about pain, having grown up questioning my sexuality as a kid, trying to find my way in the violent society that was the Jersey Shore in the '50s and '60's. I'm a strong believer that for those who hurt, you mustn't try to handle it alone. Being Borderline and especially as a kid, I always had that one good friend who knew me, probably loved me, and had my back. At some point, we have to break down and trust someone, because living alone, not trusting anyone, can be hell. I've always needed someone. I know there are those who are happy to be loners, but I'm not one of them.

    So know that you are never alone on this site. The more you give, the more you shall receive. At least, that's what I've discovered in my 69 years of living. And yes, you would be missed. Besides, I fell in love with your avatar, and I'm guessing it reflects who you are, which is a good thing.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    We've had members on this site that I've been very attached to, especially when we had the younger members. There were some that they and I established very close ties. I've even had some call me on the phone, having established trust enough to exchange phone numbers.

    Sometimes members click with one another, but there's also an amount of effort put into that relationship. Often we click either because we identify with the same problems, or in my case, I experienced those problems when I was much younger and their age.

    This site taught me to really listen to what others are saying. When I first came on in 2008, we had members as young as 13 years of age, and since we were all anonymous and sworn to be honest, I was dumbfounded reading and hearing what some of our young members were honestly saying. It was shocking hearing how sad and sometimes frightened they were, living with Infantalism. Some were just discovering they were gay, or bi. Some were cutters and some had attempted suicide. They told stories that made me cry when I read them. I actually preached a sermon in my church about the voices of youth in our society based on our younger members.

    So you are heard. Sometimes I don't have answers. Sometimes, because I've responded so many times to members, that I'm tired, listening to myself. I sometimes take a back seat and let new members answers these repeating questions. But there are cries for help I will respond to, even if I feel like a worn out recording.

    I know about pain, having grown up questioning my sexuality as a kid, trying to find my way in the violent society that was the Jersey Shore in the '50s and '60's. I'm a strong believer that for those who hurt, you mustn't try to handle it alone. Being Borderline and especially as a kid, I always had that one good friend who knew me, probably loved me, and had my back. At some point, we have to break down and trust someone, because living alone, not trusting anyone, can be hell. I've always needed someone. I know there are those who are happy to be loners, but I'm not one of them.

    So know that you are never alone on this site. The more you give, the more you shall receive. At least, that's what I've discovered in my 69 years of living. And yes, you would be missed. Besides, I fell in love with your avatar, and I'm guessing it reflects who you are, which is a good thing.
    I will say that if there is anyone on this site that I want to trust it's certainly you and Marka. I mean, you where the first person I ever even really spoke to on matters pertaining to my family and some of the things I have been through. Although I did sort of forget where I left off on that XD and stopped PMing you. I am not entirely sure why that is. I can be a bit of an airhead when it comes to keeping in touch with people. I lose track of time as well. However, I am writing it down again, though publicly this time. Not sure if you have been reading them or not, I know they are always quite long. Although they maybe parts you already have heard before.

    I will say though it is pretty difficult to trust people when you have some who are friendly one minute and the next minute, not so much. I want to trust people, I really do. I just don't know how anymore. I suppose it wouldn't have been such a big deal for me if I didn't like the person in question I speak of. I like them and that is why it bothers me so much. They where someone I wanted to trust. Much like I want with you and Marka.

    Although there was a time when I was scared I ruined things between you and I. If there is one thing I am thankful for it's that you still talk to me even after I said stupid crap that I probably could have kept to myself. I am sorry. Just know, I never intend to be hurtful toward anyone. I don't like hurting people and it bothers me a great deal when I feel I may have.

    Are you talking about my current avatar? It's my most recent drawing, my fursona.

  7. #7

    Default

    Yes, I love your current avatar. You're talented, because it's more than just a drawing. It's like that special song or music that says so much more than its sequence of words and notes.

    I often forget whom I've spoken to or what I've said, at least over a longish period of time. But some things remain, sometimes for ever. When I was in college, I had two townie kids visit me every day when I was living off campus. They were two junior high Princeton town kids, and they were so incredible. I've always identified better with junior high kids, because I was in junior high when I had my psychotic break and became catatonic for a week. Some how, my maturity level stopped there at that moment. Last night, I dreamed about both of them and it was like I was back in time with them. I experienced the same emotional feelings, and it was a wonderful roller coaster.

    So we travel through time and on this site, we communicate with certain members, and though we may seem to move on, we also leave a piece of ourselves with the ones we connect. Trust may be the most precious of human traits. We live in a world were our leaders, the ones who are supposed to be protecting us and the world, constantly let us down, so trust is hard to come by. But when it occurs, it brings us together in a special way, a bond that maybe can't be defined. Eventually for me, that person became my wife. I wrote about that bond in my novel, and it takes 180,000 words to come to fruition, at the end, but I think it's worth the wait. It will be worth it for you should you find that someone in the real world. Hugs.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Yes, I love your current avatar. You're talented, because it's more than just a drawing. It's like that special song or music that says so much more than its sequence of words and notes.
    =^.^= Thank you. Here is the full version if you have not seen it.
    http://orig00.deviantart.net/f218/f/...ry-datd65o.png
    I been meaning to make a fursona for a very long time, still working on it. Have to do the side view, back view ... and a few references for facial expressions and such. Taking a break on it at the moment as I am working on a commission for someone.



    I often forget whom I've spoken to or what I've said, at least over a longish period of time. But some things remain, sometimes for ever. When I was in college, I had two townie kids visit me every day when I was living off campus. They were two junior high Princeton town kids, and they were so incredible. I've always identified better with junior high kids, because I was in junior high when I had my psychotic break and became catatonic for a week. Some how, my maturity level stopped there at that moment. Last night, I dreamed about both of them and it was like I was back in time with them. I experienced the same emotional feelings, and it was a wonderful roller coaster.

    So we travel through time and on this site, we communicate with certain members, and though we may seem to move on, we also leave a piece of ourselves with the ones we connect. Trust may be the most precious of human traits. We live in a world were our leaders, the ones who are supposed to be protecting us and the world, constantly let us down, so trust is hard to come by. But when it occurs, it brings us together in a special way, a bond that maybe can't be defined. Eventually for me, that person became my wife. I wrote about that bond in my novel, and it takes 180,000 words to come to fruition, at the end, but I think it's worth the wait. It will be worth it for you should you find that someone in the real world. Hugs.
    Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MarchinBunny View Post
    =^.^= Thank you. Here is the full version if you have not seen it.
    http://orig00.deviantart.net/f218/f/...ry-datd65o.png
    I been meaning to make a fursona for a very long time, still working on it. Have to do the side view, back view ... and a few references for facial expressions and such. Taking a break on it at the moment as I am working on a commission for someone.Thanks for sharing. Hugs.
    Wow! That's really awesome. I can't draw to save my life, but I'm a good musician. I've been learning a number of Chopin pieces on my new piano. Sometimes I surprise myself when I play these incredible and incredibly difficult pieces, and they go like the recordings I have of them. Isn't art the most wonderful way to express the things we feel, rather than what we say! I guess literature and poetry is also another art from that does use words.

Similar Threads

  1. I wish I had someone I could trust
    By gnd567 in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 28-Nov-2015, 03:13
  2. Hate, hate, HAAATE close calls.
    By theb in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 38
    Last Post: 01-Jun-2015, 22:45
  3. do not trust ABUNIVERSE AT ALL
    By stillinpampers in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 02-Nov-2009, 02:55

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.