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Thread: Husband who is a DL

  1. #1

    Default Husband who is a DL

    I recently found out that my husband is a DL. This is a complete shock because we have been together for 8 years now. I don't know how to think or what to do.
    I try to be supportive but I don't think he is being honest with his diaper wearing. I want our relationship to be based on trust and I feel like part of that trust has been broken. Does anyone have any advice?

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2009hesmyhusband View Post
    I recently found out that my husband is a DL. This is a complete shock because we have been together for 8 years now. I don't know how to think or what to do.
    I try to be supportive but I don't think he is being honest with his diaper wearing. I want our relationship to be based on trust and I feel like part of that trust has been broken. Does anyone have any advice?
    Hi 2009hesmyhusband. Welcome to the ADISC community. I'm guessing your husband directed you here for some advice, and I'm glad that you're here and willing to learn about him being a DL.

    The first thing you should know is that talking about an interest in diapers can be extremely hard for a lot of people. It's something that comes with a lot of social taboos, both in that diapers are supposed to only be for young children, and in terms of people often finding it difficult to deal with bodily functions without getting grossed out. It can be something that a lot of people feel guilty about, and it can be something that they keep secret enough that they can't think of the words to even bring it up. So, even though you've been together for 8 years, there are a lot of pretty good reasons why he might never have told you up to this point. It will help him a lot if you can be understanding and don't treat his embarrassment and difficulty talking about this subject as a lack of trust.

    I think it would help in giving advice to have a little more information about how you found out that your husband was a DL and what you and he have done since then. An interest in diapers can take a lot of forms, both sexual and non-sexual, frequent or infrequent, and he may or may not be interested in your participation. We have no way to know his particular interests without getting some more info from you or from him. Every person is unique, so the best way to figure this out is to first lay the groundwork that you're okay with him as he is, but you want to understand this aspect of him and have a conversation. And be prepared that the first time you bring it up, he might not be able to talk about his interest all that well either. As with bringing it up at all, this can all be pretty difficult for people to talk about and it can sometimes be hard to find the right words. So, it may take a few conversations and a lot of support before he's able to discuss everything. I've suggested to people in the past that they try writing down their thoughts rather than talking if they get really stuck. Sometimes it can help. You could have him try to write his thoughts in this thread as well, if you and he think it would be helpful to have a conversation assisted by ADISC members.

    So, without knowing more, my advice is to be supportive, to help him get to the point that you and he can have a conversation together about what diapers mean to him, what he would like from you, and what you're comfortable with doing. And I'd encourage you to provide more background about what happened and how this has all come out so that we can offer more specific advice.

    Good luck!

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchieRoni View Post
    It can be something that a lot of people feel guilty about, and it can be something that they keep secret enough that they can't think of the words to even bring it up. So, even though you've been together for 8 years, there are a lot of pretty good reasons why he might never have told you up to this point. It will help him a lot if you can be understanding and don't treat his embarrassment and difficulty talking about this subject as a lack of trust.
    I can wholeheartedly agree with this. I am on the opposite side of this situation, although mine is slightly different... My wife knew about my interest in diapers before we got very serious in our relationship. She was understandably not accepting of it, for some of the reasons ArchieRoni lists above. My reaction was to go along with her and try and purge it from my life. I really loved her, and I didn't want to ruin our otherwise normal relationship with something that is arguably not normal. We dated for just under four years, and we've been married for just over four.

    I was fairly successful at getting rid of diapers from my life. I've only bought/worn diapers once since we've been married, and it was when she was on a week-long vacation with her family without me. In my defense, my urges are largely triggered by stress, and I was under a ton of it at the time (I had been along on the vacation with her family but needed to return home to work. My mother-in-law is constantly working against me for various reasons, all pretty unfounded, and it is a very stressful situation for me). I made sure that everything was gone to the dumpster long before she got home, and I felt pretty terrible about it.

    See, the thing is, I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't ask to have an attraction (sexual or otherwise) to diapers. So, still to this day, I continue to be at odds with my own brain. I know that "I shouldn't" have this attraction, but I do.

    I respect my wife's position, and I don't want to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, but I do wish that we could talk about it a little more. Even if she doesn't want to be involved, it kills me that I can't talk about it with my best friend.

    I'm not saying you should immediately accept it without any questions or anything like that. It is an uncomfortable topic and you are well within your rights to feel uncomfortable. But, like ArchieRoni said, I think a little compassion and willingness to talk about it goes a long way.

    Feel free to reach out to me if you want. We're all different, so I don't know your husband's story, but I can empathize with your situation.

    -RD

  4. #4

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    Great response from ArchieRoni but I'll put in my two cents, speaking from yet another angle. I told my wife 8 years ago when she discovered a diaper order I made on Amazon. She was very accepting and has continued to be. There are a number of members on this site who have accepting wives. Yes, wearing and using diapers sounds weird and is weird, but considering all the things that can go astray with us humans, it's a small thing to deal with.

    Should you choose to accept this, you should have a long talk with your husband and come up with a plan as to when diaper wearing is convenient to both of you, and when it isn't. You might find that you can have some fun role playing, but even if you don't want to be involved in it, your husband will be a lot happier if there are time when he can wear and not feel guilty, as if he's depriving you of what you need in a partner.

  5. #5

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    Been married for over 28 years, living my life, with my wife, as a DL. It's been a challenge, at times, but love wins over all. Take it slow. Read, read, read, and then do more reading. Then talk, talk, talk, and then do some more talking. Did I mention reading & talking???

    The more you learn about the fetish, the more you'll understand where he finds himself, at this point in his life. Things will change, with your knowledge. Don't expect it to be the same forever. Once a partner knows, more play is possible. For his part, he has to figure out how to regain the trust you've already lost. No easy task.

    Others have come to ADISC with this same lament, so, find those conversations by searching this site. Plenty of answers lie within...

  6. #6

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    Thank you for your advice. I feel like we are the only couple in the world that has to deal with this sort of thing, but being on this site has made me realize that's not the case.
    I have no sexual desire for diapers. Non at all and i frankly find diapers gross. I am understanding to my husband and his wanting the comfort of wearing diapers. Today I found out he has been peeing in the diapers. We have discussed this in the past and he said he didn't like the feeling of peeing in the diapers, just the comfort of wearing one. I feel like a trust has been broken and I don't know what to do. Thanks

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2009hesmyhusband View Post
    Thank you for your advice. I feel like we are the only couple in the world that has to deal with this sort of thing, but being on this site has made me realize that's not the case. Thanks
    No, you're certainly not alone! There are plenty of couples dealing with it, some successfully, some not. You need to fill us in on your situation for the most direct advice. Did you not have a clue? Did he partake when you guys were apart? How did the news get broke? Tears? Fears? Anger? Understanding? Is he AB, or is he DL? Wetter or messer?

    Lots of effort to make it work, but, again, if you have love, that can overcome anything. That, and good communication. Remember, conversing about it can be brutally tough to wade through, but you have to get a sense of what his needs are, and how you can both share in it. If it bothers you, maybe he needs to limit things, until the trust is earned once again. It all depends on who you guys are, what you mean to each other, and how much you're willing to compromise, and contribute to each other's happiness. It's a two way street...

    It is just a diaper, but that can be a big secret you have to hide from the world. Honestly, I wish my wife had more courage to contribute to conversations about this stuff, but she's like a mute, when it comes to participating in my online diaper life, sadly.

    BTW, Google "Bittergrey Understanding Infantilism" for the most in depth study on ABDL.

    http://understanding.infantilism.org
    Last edited by Jamieboy; 17-Oct-2016 at 05:46.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2009hesmyhusband View Post
    Thank you for your advice. I feel like we are the only couple in the world that has to deal with this sort of thing, but being on this site has made me realize that's not the case.
    I have no sexual desire for diapers. Non at all and i frankly find diapers gross. I am understanding to my husband and his wanting the comfort of wearing diapers. Today I found out he has been peeing in the diapers. We have discussed this in the past and he said he didn't like the feeling of peeing in the diapers, just the comfort of wearing one. I feel like a trust has been broken and I don't know what to do. Thanks
    Good advice so far. As I would advise your husband to try to put himself in your shoes, I'd urge you to do the same. Your feeling of broken trust makes sense but it may help to realize how much internal conflict goes along with this for many of us until we find peace. I believed I could stop many times. Every time, I was sure that I should and could stop this. Even if someone understanding had asked me about it when I was in that frame of mind, I believe I'd have most likely minimized its impact because I intended to be rid of it.

    The reality is that although intensity grows and fades over time for any number of reasons, it's not something that is feasible to shake. Coming to terms with that was very challenging for me and then again to learn that it could be a good thing for me as well.

    Accepting this may be difficult. Understand that it is probably no less so for him. If he was in a good place with this, he'd have told you long ago. Give it some time and expect some missteps along the way. It's going to be a learning process for both of you.

  9. #9

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    For me this was a terrible, dirty secret until I met my wife, and she taught me to accept myself. I think the key things to remember are that A: He didn't choose to have this kink. B: He is clearly ashamed of it. C: It was a secret and now it's not, and D: Now you know about it, it can bring you even closer. On point D I'm not saying that you need to participate in any way for it to bring you closer. But if you know about it and accept that that is part of him and love him all the same, hopefully his shame will gradually fade, and your love will grow. Shame is a heavy burden, and he's probably been carrying that shame for a long long time. The fact he didn't tell you is not (I'm sure) because he doesn't trust you, but because he feels ashamed himself. By trying to understand this, and loving him all the same, you are already showing how deeply you care about him, and I wish you all the love and luck in the future. Be strong, be open, and don't see this as a betrayal of trust, see it as a chance to know each other even more. Good luck! X

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2009hesmyhusband View Post
    Today I found out he has been peeing in the diapers. We have discussed this in the past and he said he didn't like the feeling of peeing in the diapers, just the comfort of wearing one. I feel like a trust has been broken and I don't know what to do. Thanks
    I can empathize with this part, too. As Archie Roni said above, one of the things that a lot of people have difficulty with is diaper's intended purpose. Your husband may have felt that diaper wearing in and of itself is a large bombshell to drop, and, to soften the blow, attempted to minimize his involvement with diapers. I did the same thing when I originally told my wife -- said "oh, well, I mean, I don't actually USE them... I just wear them... and stuff..." For me, it is mostly true... when I wore, I would only wet maybe 5% of the time because the cleanup process wasn't worth it. But, I still didn't tell my wife the entire truth. This topic just comes with so much anxiety that it is hard to start a conversation.

    I'm not sure if that helps, but I encourage you to talk to him about it. Absolutely voice your concern about why he didn't tell you, but maybe approach it in a gentle way (?).

    -RD

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