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Thread: Get something off my chest

  1. #1

    Default Get something off my chest

    Something I don't think I shared here. I've been appointed as my sister's keeper. My father had decided that after he dies I have to watch over and provide for my sister. A little detailed on why is: my sister is mentally retarded. She only has the IQ of a fourth grader. The first time I was told of this was when I was twelve. I have no choice in this. My father has done nothing to help her be a stable adult. I realize she'll never be like other people, but I'm sure something could be done with having me take care of her for the remained of her life. I hate the idea of me being stuck taking care of someone I shouldn't have to. I've tried talking to my dad about this, he refuses to listen to me. Because of him she's now selfish, greedy, pushy, and suicidal.

    I have no idea what to do about this and only hope I can leave home before something to him. The stress usually gets to me from time to time, but I've been able to stay stable.

  2. #2

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    You might have to get social services involved in order to get your sister the help she might require. They usually can come up with a good care plan that fits for an individual's situation.

  3. #3

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    It can be a very difficult thing to care for a person with special needs, even when the person is family. If you don't feel that you are able to care for her, then the best thing your father can do is to look at what services are available in your community and have a plan in place in the event he is gone.

    *Depending on the need required, it may be possible for a Personal Care Attendant or Home Health Aide. These workers can usually come into the home of a person with special needs and help with specific tasks like companionship, or help out with bathing and dressing, if required.

    *There are also Group Homes for adults. These are homes for people with special needs. The people living in these homes have some independence but there are onsite support services 24 hours a day with supervision to ensure tasks are completed, help with medication, and lifeskills.

    *There can also be Independent Living Arrangements where the person has their own place and receives some support in their own home, such as light housecleaning, transportation to appointments, daily activities, and meal preparation.

    *A number of communities offer Day Programs which help people with different levels of abilities. They can provide structure and routine to adults by providing lifeskills and opportunities to socialize.

    I do think it's important to acknowledge your sister seems to be suffering presently and may be acting out. You're saying she appears to be selfish, pushy, greedy and suicidal. It may be possible there are other mental or developmental problems that have not yet been diagnosed. I would suggest that you get her in touch with a doctor or social services as soon as possible to address these issues, especially if there have been suicidal thoughts.

    I think you're doing the right thing by acknowledging to yourself and your father that you don't feel you can do this. Just the fact that you don't want to take care of her means your family needs to consider other more viable alternatives. Taking care of a person with developmental disabilities can be challenging and demand more time and attention than you are capable of giving her. There is also the fact that her needs could change or require more care as time goes on. You've had your own challenges growing up with your father and you are still sorting through the harm he has done. When you're in self-care, you need to take care of your own emotions and plan your own life to get back on track. So I understand why you do not feel able to take care of your sister at this time.

    There should be help available for her. I think it is a matter of thoroughly exploring the options.

    Good luck, friend.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 09-Oct-2016 at 18:26.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    Something I don't think I shared here. I've been appointed as my sister's keeper. My father had decided that after he dies I have to watch over and provide for my sister. A little detailed on why is: my sister is mentally retarded. She only has the IQ of a fourth grader. The first time I was told of this was when I was twelve. I have no choice in this. My father has done nothing to help her be a stable adult. I realize she'll never be like other people, but I'm sure something could be done with having me take care of her for the remained of her life. I hate the idea of me being stuck taking care of someone I shouldn't have to. I've tried talking to my dad about this, he refuses to listen to me. Because of him she's now selfish, greedy, pushy, and suicidal.

    I have no idea what to do about this and only hope I can leave home before something to him. The stress usually gets to me from time to time, but I've been able to stay stable.
    Well, setting aside your sister's needs for a moment: I'm fairly certain that it's not possible to "will" another person a lifelong responsibility like that. Wills aren't all-powerful. Really, I think you're over-worrying. Most likely, upon your father's death, you would be (effectively) empowered to make legal decisions on your sister's behalf. You'd have "power of attorney" or something similar. That's very different from being compelled to take care of her for the rest of your life. She is not your dependent, and I seriously doubt there's anything that could be done without your permission and without the assent of a judge that would make her that. Similarly, he could run up debt like crazy before he dies, and that debt wouldn't become yours--unless you co-signed for it or something.

    But, regardless, you'd be wise to have a brief consultation with an attorney and get this all settled in your mind. I'm pretty sure you'll find that it's not what you're thinking, and perhaps that will avoid further souring of relationships.

    Of course, whatever happens, I hope that your sister is well cared for.
    Last edited by Cottontail; 09-Oct-2016 at 15:59.

  5. #5

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    All good advise from above. Since you are 27, it's time to have employment that gets you out of your father's house and out on your own. Then you would be in a better position to follow Starrunners advise, which is very, very good.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    All good advise from above. Since you are 27, it's time to have employment that gets you out of your father's house and out on your own. Then you would be in a better position to follow Starrunners advise, which is very, very good.
    That's something I'm having a problem with. The my hometown has a bad recession going on currently. I've been thinking about going to see a career consular about what to do, but I never have the time. I work 6 days a week and when I'm off I have people wanting every bit of my time.

  7. #7

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    If you don't make time for yourself no one else is going to, naked the time for you , everybody will still be there when you get back.

    Take care of you first , all the people that want your time effort and energy are being greedy, I'm sure they would want the best for you, do put them on hold and build your own life, it will only get harder as you get older , start setting limits now !

    Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by KryanAshford View Post
    That's something I'm having a problem with. The my hometown has a bad recession going on currently. I've been thinking about going to see a career consular about what to do, but I never have the time. I work 6 days a week and when I'm off I have people wanting every bit of my time.
    Oh, well since you are working, and six days at that, you're on the right track. I wish you well. I've changed jobs a number of times in order to make more money. Before I retired, I was working one full time job and two part time jobs. Now that I'm retired, I work just he one part time job. The two part time jobs were/are music. The one I still have is as a church music director and the other was playing in a very good rock band.

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