Welcome to Part one of "A New Era".
For those who do not know, over the past couple of months, the general feeling on ADISC has been that the website is slipping into a "recession".
Now, I don't find this surprising. Recessions are happening all around the world; Why not on ADISC as well?
Some of you may want to argue that ADISC is perfectly fine. Some of the newbies may believe that ADISC is great right now.
Well don't misunderstand. This isn't meant to imply that ADISC is failing, nor does it imply that ADISC is in any way 'bad'. I love ADISC, and everyone on it, to death. But people are getting distressed. Don't believe it? Look.
Adisc gone down hill?
As well as all the disputes about Reputation and other aspects of the site that we've all heard again and again.
So, satisfied? Great.
So, welcome to Part one.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
I'm sure some of you that know me here on ADISC have been wondering why I haven't been posting on the forums lately. I mean, I haven't gotten any less active on IRC, have I? I'm still responding to Visitor Messages and PMs as quickly as I normally do, aren't I? And I'm only one post away from my thousandth post! Why aren't I posting?!
Well, this is why.
Here it is, guys. This is the reason I've been waiting.
Welcome to Mesmerale's 1,000th post on ADISC.org. On March 19, 2009 At 7:36 pm Eastern Standard Time in the United States of America.
Prepare to be amazed.
Alright, guys. It's time for Mesmerale to redeem herself in this regard. I'd like to take you all back to July 12th, 2008. Mesmerale has just gotten her wisdom teeth removed, and is feeling particularly pathetic. This is the day that she decides to join a website known as ADISC.org
Mesmerale gets beat down by the unwritten rules.
Quite pathetic, I know. It's rather depressing, actually. But I do have a reason for my madness. Most of my horrible habits from this thread come from gaiaonline.com.
** The bold and (attempted) purple text was a habit of customizing what I said.
** The multiple posts (double, triple) were a result of bump conditioning. On gaiaonline, if the thread isn't active, it dies. I didn't know the "Unread Posts" feature existed.
** And I've no excuse for my pathetic-ness. This was just another website to me at the time, and I treated it as such. I've changed over the time that I've been on ADISC, haven't I?
The second one is a little less pathetic, but just as stupid as the last one.
Mesmerale is stupid, again...
As one can clearly tell, at this point on July 26th, 2008, I've been on the IRC chat for awhile, and seem to be friendly with Abby and mzk-tab. But I still have no idea how the forum works, and I'm still double posting.. Great... So, since these two introductions were horrid, I've decided to create a re-introduction.
My name is Mesmerale (Holy crap!). So, here are some of the things that you can
call me: Mesmerale, Mes, Mezzy, (Courtesy of Yumi), Mez, Jessica, Jessi, Jess.
Here are some of the things that you cannot
call me: Mess, Messy, Ian. If I'm addressed using any of those -- depending on my mood -- I will either ignore you, or bite your head off.
My name is unique. Go ahead, do a search for 'Mesmerale' right now. Even after sifting through the ADISC related stuff, 99.9% of it will be related to me. Back two years ago, when I played a game called City of Heroes, I needed to choose a name for my first character. Her powers were "Mind Control" and "Elemental Control", or something of the like. This brought with them two starting powers: 'Mesmerize' and 'Gale'. In my attempt to think of a name, I played with combining the two powers. "Mesmerale" was my first, and definite, choice. Ever since then, Mesmerale has been my name; I've fallen in love with it.
I am of the male sex. If you were to see me in real life, you would see a boy. Regarding my sexuality, it'd be easiest to call me "straight" This means that I like girls
for most people out there. I personally choose to call myself a "Straight male, Lesbian female". Gender-wise, I am bigendered. Bigendered
is a subset of Transgendered.
To me, it means that I have both male and female geared personalities, which are distinct (easy to tell apart) and can be triggered back and forth depending on the situation that I'm in.
While i'm at work, I'll never be seen giggling, nor attempting any form of baby-talk, etc.
While I'm on ADISC, I'll never be seen threatening to beat the shit out of someone.
As an added note: I've been told that many people on ADISC are surprised when I swear, and lately I've heard comments such as, "Mesmerale just said 'damn'..." so let it also be known that my use of swear words vastly increases when I'm not on ADISC.
This line has been growing thinner, I will admit. While at work, if I'm around certain people who I can be open with, I will act childish and attempt to raise the pitch of my voice slightly. -- On ADISC, as I've grown more comfortable with the difference regarding my sex and my gender, I've been more open to discussion about my body and topics are are exclusively "male".
With the knowledge that ADISC is an accepting community, I know that there won't be many objections when I ask to be referenced using female pronouns. Will I cry if someone calls me a 'he'? no. I won't get upset at all. But this only applies if it is done in an innocent way.
He said that it's stupid.
This is fine, it's simply the opinion of the speaker to call me by my sex. I don't particularly appreciate it, but I'm not upset.
isn't allowed here. He
isn't a girl.
This is derogatory. It's rude and meant to insult me. This will piss me off, and I'll likely hold that grudge for a long time.
Both of the quotes are fictional.
As I've said, I am Transgendered
What does this mean to me?
To me, transgendered means that I define myself as a girl (or otherwise) mentally, but do not
have the desire to have a physical sex-change.
To me, Transsexual
is used to define a person who wants to have / is in the midst of / or has had a sex-change.
means clothing, people. Think "cross-dresser".
I am sixteen years old. My birthday is April 6, 1992. Some on ADISC may have noticed that this information has changed over the past 1,000 posts. This was my own fault, but I've corrected it.
I've never given out factual information about myself online. In the many years that I've been talking to people, I've been one year older than the truth. In the past two years, as my desires and fetishes / being have developed, I've created a date of birth for that 'persona'. This date has nothing to do with when the persona was developed. To be honest, this birth-date has more to do with my real life being than my mental being. The date is May 20, 1991.
I've already said that I portrayed myself as a seventeen year old, hence the 1991 birth-date. May 20 is derived from the approximate day that I was supposed to be born. I was born six weeks early, so by adding six weeks to my birthday, I was able to find a date that had some significance.
I'd been using this fake information for years, on every website that I'd gone to as a girl. So, when I first joined ADISC, I did the same thing. As I became a more integrate part of the community, I became uneasy with the lie, so I informed the mods that my age was incorrect, and after explaining why, it was corrected.
So while I apologize for lying about my age, let it be known that it was out of habit, and nothing more.
I mentioned that I worked a few paragraphs ago. I'm currently employed at a movie theater. I'm not going to say which one, but I will say that it is a major theater, and not simply a local imitation (for lack of a better word). They pay isn't horrible, all considering, but it isn't exactly a career.
I don't know what I want to do with my future. I'm often told that I have a brilliant mind, and I believe it. Unfortunately, I'm a bit lazy and tend to not apply myself. The result is that I'm doing border-line poorly in school when I have the potential to go to any college of my choice. I don't do this on purpose. I do care about my future, and my education. I do want to go to college, but for some reason I avoid my homework, and it hurts my grades.
I've no idea what college I want to go to, nor do I care. If it's within my financial range and is on the East Coast (and two or three hours away from my mother, then it's an okay college in my book.
I plan to move out of my mother's house on April 6, 2010. I have no intention of staying under her roof any longer than is absolutely mandatory. Why? i don't like her that much. But this is about me, not her.
So I suppose I'll move on to what I like to do. I spend the majority of my time in my bedroom. If I'm not watching t.v., I'm on my computer. I'm "addicted" to electronics. I have a cell phone, an iPod Touch, a Nintendo DS Lite, a palm pilot (thing.. Whatever.), a DVD Player, a television, a CD Player / speaker thing, a desktop computer, various games for various consoles, and a few different clocks / radios. As well as sitting around, I work every weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday). I've also always loved to write, but I've never been able to commit to it for more than a few weeks at a time. Ever since the third grade I've been writing. In the third grade, it was Pokemon fan fiction (Though I thought of it as simple stories at the time). In both fourth and fifth grade it was a lovely eighteen page "novel" regarding a mummy, parts one and two of a Shapeshifting story, and the first part of my true love, "Running". In sixth, seventh, and eighth grades, I wrote two sequels to "Running": "Fighting" and "Sleeping". I also attempted to rewrite the old mummy story, since by that time I'd lost it. From ninth grade to where I am now (halfway through eleventh grade), I've been working on the fourth part of the "Single-Verb Series" "Meeting". I've stopped writing many times, and am in the midst of completely overwriting the story. I'm not going to lie, I was a great writer for my age
. Now that I'm older, I realize that all of my stories are quite horrid, and I plan to rewrite all of them.
Naturally, I also love to read. I've been an avid reader since I was a young child. The peculiar thing about me is that I despise anything non-fiction. I adore stories of magic and heroes; the tales of dragons and fairies and futuristic life. I'll also read most realistic novels that simply catch my interest. Luna, As Simple As Snow, Thirteen Reasons Why
, etc. I'm also a speed reader. I'll skip words, or read a combination of words and subconsciously piece them together to understand what I (mostly) read. In addition, I'll catch myself flipping through pages of a book that bore me.
And to tie the two together: I love to role-play.
I first started role-playing at Neopets.com, mostly magic related or vampires / werewolves. I would spend hours role-playing until the other people had to leave, and then I would try to find another thread to join. I would always use a female character, and labeled myself as a girl on the account information. As I got older, I included *B/DL related and 'pup-play' related role-plays in my repertoire of interests. These two topics have taken over my role-playing world, and it is rare that I'll do anything else. It's unfortunate, really, because role-playing was always when I felt the most open and friendly.
I have social anxiety. I've honestly no idea what the broad definition of this label is; I haven't researched it at all. I assume it means something along the lines of: I have trouble meeting new people. I feel uncomfortable, or as if I don't belong. I feel as if everyone around me has read the instructions for their lives, and I have not.
I've never made a friend on my own initiative. All of my current friends were acquired through either my younger sister (sixteen months younger than myself), the other person coming up to me
, or circumstance (Such as sitting next to said person in school or working together). I am very uncomfortable in large social groups, and will avid going out with more than four people at a time.
When I'm online, though, or somewhere else that leaves me comfortable, I am just the opposite. I am carefree, fun, wild, and will talk to new people in a heartbeat. I want to be like this all the time, but I'm not.
I am extremely envious. I can become jealous of something or someone very easily, and I have a lot of trouble releasing those feelings. I tend to focus on the things that I am not able to have, despite my wanting them. Most of the time I'm not focused on material things. My wants are typically centered around people who I want to be with, or status that I want to have. I envy those who are able to live on their own, and those who are free to do as they please. I also envy those who are in relationships with the people that I like, or even those who are in relationships at all.
I am also easy to upset. I'll find myself randomly fuming at the smallest thing, even though the same thing can leave me completely unaffected at a different time. If someone hurts me, I can hold a grudge for months. Most of the time, I'll have to think about whether or not I really have a reason to hate the person, and I'll decide that I don't, but even then, getting over my anger isn't easy.
I like to take control, but at the same time, I don't like to be forced to have it. If I want to be in control of something, I'll do everything I can to gain that status without doing anything overtly wrong. My conscious will take the reins and I'll have to force myself to be compliant. Conversely, if I do not
want to be in control, I will avoid the situation and grow increasingly apathetic toward whatever the subject may be.
I'm selfish. I tend to think about how I can get what I want, and my thoughts rarely shift to the wants of other people. When they do, though, I am extremely willing to comply to his or her every whim, and will do whatever I can to please that person. This is also a trait that depends on my mood. I'll go through sporadic flashes where I will be extremely demanding, and then I will be just the opposite. This is part of the reason that I have trouble being a caretaker. I never know when I'll suddenly lose interest and want to be the baby instead.
Which brings me to the final part of this thread. The *B/DL aspect of my life. To be quite honest, I cannot remember when I first found the *B/DL fetish. I know that I was not always obsessed with diapers, though some of the only early memories I have are of trying to get diapers and trying on my sister's clothing. Because I do not have detailed memories, I can never be sure why I wanted to do such things or what I felt while doing them. Of what I do remember, I know that I started to become interested in the *B/DL scene about two years ago. I found various stories, and clung to them as I searched for more related content. I eventually found ADISC less than a year ago and became a very active member on the site (as I'm sure many other members will agree).
*B/DL has really taken over most of my life, though not without my consent. Over the past two years, my focus has gradually shifted from other pastimes to my TB role-playing and ADISC. My baby-self has been slowly developed over this time, and, as far as I'm concerned, is still developing today.
So far, though, I know that my baby-self is a girl. She is roughly three years old, but her age can, and will, change depending on the setting and how I'm feeling. I also know that I am as geared towards diapers as most of us here are. But, as well as diapers, I'd also jump to utilize pacifiers, bottles, blankets, baby toys, baby food and many other aspects of a baby's life. The only thing stopping me is a combination of a lack of availability, and the lack of a person who would participate in the play. I've never regressed, either because I subconsciously haven't wanted to or I've simply been unable to. Being completely helpless does not appeal to me, because I feel that I would end up getting very bored if I couldn't do anything for myself. Other than that, being coddled like an infant appeals to me very much.
I know that I said that the former three paragraphs were the final part of this thread, but I've thought of something else. I can't rearrange my thoughts, so I won't rearrange this either.
I'm fairly submissive. Apart from being into 'pup-play'
, I love being watched over by the select few people that I trust. (I say 'watched over' because I feel that "ordered around" and "told what to do" are too strong to effectively express myself.) I tend to do whatever is suggested by these people, and if I feel that I've done something wrong, I'll immediately apologize.
What is strange about this is that, when I'm not in such a particular mood / mindset, I absolutely despise being told what to do. I get into the mindset that no one has the right to order me around unless I allow it, and I'll end up being rebellious. I'll start to hate whoever tries to make me do what they want, and I'll spend a good amount of time simply figuring out ways to go against what that person wants. So, while I love being told what to do (for lack of a better term) as a baby or as a pet, I entirely hate it at any other time.
And there, to the best of my ability and cognitive skills at the moment, is my Re-Introduction. I have no doubt that it isn't entirely complete, since this is the most I've ever been able to describe myself in my life. As of now, ADISC has the greatest amount of information expressed by myself about myself. Isn't it great?