Don't let your dad have that power over you , don't surrender any of your hopes and dreams and cartainly not your life, having a toxic family is incredibly hard I came from one myself , I get it but you are so much more than the family you are born into, expand your definition of family to those that actually care about you and treat you with the love and respect you deserve, cut off those that try to drag you down you don't need it or deserve it, no matter what you do you will never improve these kind of people so just get your distance from them, let them be miserable to each other but don't accept it or tolerate it , the longer you try to make it work or tolerate it , the more hurt they will cause which will result in more years of therapy to get the toxic crap out of you, I was like stupid puppy for years and kept going back to them giving them chance after chance only to have the same outcome they would kick me in the head, you don't get to choose the family you are born into however you do get to choose going forward who you let influence you and be in your life, you have struggled enough with these people for one lifetime . Get out and stay out, concentrate your efforts into stabilizing your life and living it is worth your effort , they are not .
In my family I went from daddy's little boy , to the devil incarnate just after my sixth birthday, at 7 I had to run away and live under a table in the only 24 hour laundromat in town and wash dishes under the table at an Italian restaurant to get money and food , my Mom loved her children but she was had very bad epilepsy and chemical sensitivities so she spent a lot of time not seeing what dad was doing to his kids , I always made sure to go and see her when he wasn't around and made the mistake of going home to live at around 11 because Mom was so sick the situation was tenuous at best , at worst it devolved into my father shooting my Mom to death and nearly killing me , and then I spent along time dealing with survivors guilt ( as in 25 years of my life ) , I found a real family that loved me by accident , when I was sent to an orphanage upstate which for me was very transformative the woman who was the head Psychologist there adopted me .I tried having a relationship time and again with my biologic family and never got anything but more grief because of my father's actions.
It's not easy being temporarily homeless, but it's a damned site better than staying in unhealthy family and getting more abused. Every effort you put into getting yourself stabilized and resettled will pay off real dividends for your future. I know it will not be easy and it may not be immediately,but work at it everyday even little changes add up over time, and try to not internalize any more hurt, contrary to what you may feel like now, you are not on this earth to suffer.
You need to love yourself and care about yourself before others will. Yes it may sound kinda like a pep talk but it's not , it's putting the past in the past and leaving it there that makes you strong, the hurt will always be there, managing it keeps it from controlling the decisions you make,learn to be proactive and not reactive by getting away from these kind of people and keeping a safe and sane distance from them.
Here's to a brighter future, that you make and control.
Be better to yourself than they have been, let us know how and were you are,and if you come back to Pennsylvania make sure someone you can trust knows your in transit and when you expect to arrive. If nothing else brings you comfort come here, you are cared about here !
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