As you may (or may not) have noticed, I haven't really been on as much, and when I have been on, I've pretty much just been lurking.
I've been thinking about...life, ya know? Lately, I just haven't found a reason to...keep going, per say.
Our family is seeing less and less of each other every day. My dad moved to the other side of the state to Spokane, WA...about a 6 hour drive from Seattle. My mother, brother and I have finally decided that we're going to move out from my grandparent's house, so we can get a house of our own. I wanted to move in with my dad...but that's not very likely to happen, anymore.
In case if you haven't heard, my mother is an abusive alcoholic. She's in AlAnon right now under court order, and is under probation. We decided to move out the day after her court order is finished, and is no longer under probation, around the end of this month.
Now, I don't know much about Law and Criminal Justice, or the court system, but to my knowledge, "No longer under Probation" means "Feel free to drink again." (Please correct me if I'm wrong; my mother never explained to me what any of this means.) This is really stressing me out. While I'm here with my grandparents, my mom can't hurt me. But if I'm living with her by ourselves...it'll be hell all over again.
I've tried taking this up with the local police, but they don't have any proof, because my mom doesn't leave marks when she shoves me or kicks me. And it's not the physical abuse I'm scared about, it's the Emotional Abuse. It killed me on the inside, hearing her call me a "fat, ugly, faggot bitch" over and over, every day. And it still affects me now.
With this stress, comes in the use of drugs and alcohol. It used to be that being a TB/DL helped my stress, but...it just doesn't seem to cut it anymore. I've been smoking bud and drinking most every day for the past week. I've been skipping school, and not making up the work I miss. Some nights, I go out, and I don't come home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Other nights, I don't even come home at all.
I know that I'm becoming like my mother, and I want to stop now before it gets too late, and...I'm just not sure how. No one in my family knows I'm addicted, because I keep it pretty well hidden. If I'm drunk or high, I don't go home until the next day (if I'm drunk) or later that night (if I'm high). No one cares as long as I'm home within 24 hours of when I left.
I'm prepared to hear the hard truth, and have it hit where it hurts. I just need to know that someone cares. We need help. My family needs help. ...I need help.