I've been pretty quiet for awhile I know, 10 days ago something happened that has been draining me of everything. I sit here now emotionally feeling numb and smiling seems beyond any realm of possibility.
Going back to the night before this went down. I was out I had just cut half the lawn over the old house. I called my mom on the way back like I liked to do on the way back from things. I explain I'm still having issues with the cisco icdn1 material and I probably won't have it done in time for the current test and that I'd take it with the new material after learning it. We then discussed the steaks she got me from omaha steak, how my car was behaving and how she was looking forward to seeing me in september even if it wasn't by my birthday. We talked til I got home I said I loved her. I then proceeded to get ready for a jog, had pretty bad diaper rash from grass cutting. My friend called drunk dialing me he had gotten pretty wasted since our last conversation before I cut the grass and was upset his gf didn't spend the night with him. I finally got to jogging but it was very late and by the time it was done I was blooding from diaper rash depsite changing and cleaning up twice and after the cleanup I was too tired to call mom back again like I sometimes would at night reasure her I would get the cisco done... this is one thing I probably will regret forever.
Fast forward to the morning I get up late groggy, went to bed late after looking at Elton John songs all night... I see my brother by the coffee maker he inform me mom fell and had an aneurism and that it was bad. My brother doesn't cry a lot yet that morning he grabbed me and was sobbing. The news initially hit me like a bad dream after waking... it can't be real... this isn't happening. I told him I needed to get out and do something so I went and I cut the lawn over the old house where the emotions broke quite a bit. I bawled the whole time barely finished the grass, I then went on my way home but got sidetracked also noticed my engine light came on again which pissed me off. I proceeded to hit Koopers, I went and had 3 beers Piraat that were in the abv weight class of wine. I called my cousin and friends I ended up going over my cousins that night. I drank quite a bit while we talked, watch Man of Steel. I passed out, woke up and threw up quite a bit (heavy drinking, shishkabob and and severe negative emotional shock do not mix)
I cleaned up my cousins bathroom as best I could, I had what normally would be a hangover that would make one want to die from the pain... but in comparison to what I was feeling from the news, it felt like a paper cut. Talked it over with my brother we discussed leaving that night ultimately we set out early tuesday morning though, I went to a coffee meet sunday night with my furry friends, had a fairly good time (well as much as I could not calling my mom to inform her how the meet was going, called my brother and father instead asking dad about how mom was as she was in a medical induced coma at this point , and my brother if he wanted a coffee brought back).
Not much happened in terms of things monday as both me and my brother were on edge and emotional prone to crying. We went the 13 hour drive to florida from maryland in pretty good time overall. We went right to the hospital. We spent a week sitting by her bed. Initially the doctors were cautiously optimistic saying she had a fighting chance but it would be hard. They also cautioned us she needed quiet, this ultimately led me and my brother to make choices we both would regret. They did a treatment to get her brain pressure down as it was way up it initially help but it kept creeping back up, me and my brother left to go home to rest up for when they woke her. We kept getting updates, Monday evening we got the update indicating an eye test they did indicated no response indicating possible brain damage.
They did another test and then decided if there was any chance to save it involved waking her no mater the stroke risk. My dad then called to say she was being taken off the paralytic and drugs to see what happened she didn't come back, but had limited brain function dropping. My brother was clingy that night worried when I went out to get groceries, confiding in my friend I was still clining to the little bit of hope I had left. He called to ask where I was I said I'd be right back and I was, I then heard him knock when I got home and asked if I wanted to sit with him. He got out a couple of bottles of strong bourbon and we talked I conffessed things about my life to him my fears, even that I was a DL. We talked about mom and our futures. The next day we both were making plans what todo Me and my brother looked to getting a flight to florida at my advice after getting the call from my dad asking if we wanted to be there when she passed.
We had my cousin come over the night before, prior watched Zootopia with my brother and we headed out to the air port at 3 am, tsa was truly the nightmare people make it out to be I felt violated and treated like dirt, on top of that we had an unrully old man on our flight who almost got security down there before we took off. Surprisingly... the flights were ahead of time. We were picked up by my dads mechanic friends and taken to the hospital... They were a tad too much given the circumstances, I literally got their in time to see mom one last time with my brother and she died about maybe 3-5 minutes later as I held her hand singing what I remembered of her favorite hymn she used to sing to me when I was uncontrolably sobbing, it wasn't long before I was again. They were preparing the body to make it so we could spend a bit more time with her alone if we wanted so they had a private conference room they were supposed to let us have for quiet... It was occupied so we went out to the waiting area and the empty section had wet furniture. Ultimately we went back and said a few words with the corpse don't think she was still in there but I let out the backlog of emotional things with the corpse by myself and hugged it and kissed it one last time. I had prayed to God every day for her to be better or at least have one more chance to talk with her say I loved her and hug her before she had to leave forever, all I got though was her heart beat for 5 minutes.
We then went out for lunch with my dads friends, they were frustrating to deal with given the numbness but I tried to be nice for her. We then went to the church my bladder at that point bursting because I had a couple of beers at this lunch barely made it to the church bathroom (really wish I could be honest with my dad about the diapers, he's the one person I know wouldn't want to hear about it). I was fine after that though til we got to the funeral home... where we were forced to remember her, for me it was too much... I held it in best I could emotionally not the bladder that part was fine, but then when finishing up the funeral director insisted on my dad speaking with the one guy he wanted as a speaker, and that by itself wasn't a big deal til he asked what happened where my dad in great detail recounted that night about how she went to bed and was half out of the bed, he noticed she had thrown up in the bathroom and had changed her night gown and he had planned to let her sleep but noticed she was bleeding from the head when he checked her.
This was too much for me rehearing it right after holding her hand as she died. I lost it, I had to step outside at that point. I sat with my brother. We went home that night I talked with some friends trying to stop the sobbing, finally I went to bed last night... This morning I woke, but something was missing, the majority of my feelings were gone, like the numbness one gets when they've drank a great deal but sober on top of that it currently feels like smiling is not possible and crying feels automaic. That brings me to where I am now.
My mom was one of those people I had the closest relationship with, in the passed year right after christmas I had an auto accident which broke my finger and left me without a car, she had been the greatest emotional support since then helping me get through the physical therapy and learning to be ok with myself heck she even comforted me over stupid stuff like the time I thought I put a major scratch on a loaner car I got when they were trying to fix my car I bought. I'm not even sure there is a strong enough thing to equate to her importance in my life and how big a blow this has been for me, but being a dl and having that as pretty constant obsession, that doesn't even range in importance to how I felt when I got this news.