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Thread: How does one get over it?

  1. #1

    Unhappy How does one get over it?

    I've been pretty quiet for awhile I know, 10 days ago something happened that has been draining me of everything. I sit here now emotionally feeling numb and smiling seems beyond any realm of possibility.

    Going back to the night before this went down. I was out I had just cut half the lawn over the old house. I called my mom on the way back like I liked to do on the way back from things. I explain I'm still having issues with the cisco icdn1 material and I probably won't have it done in time for the current test and that I'd take it with the new material after learning it. We then discussed the steaks she got me from omaha steak, how my car was behaving and how she was looking forward to seeing me in september even if it wasn't by my birthday. We talked til I got home I said I loved her. I then proceeded to get ready for a jog, had pretty bad diaper rash from grass cutting. My friend called drunk dialing me he had gotten pretty wasted since our last conversation before I cut the grass and was upset his gf didn't spend the night with him. I finally got to jogging but it was very late and by the time it was done I was blooding from diaper rash depsite changing and cleaning up twice and after the cleanup I was too tired to call mom back again like I sometimes would at night reasure her I would get the cisco done... this is one thing I probably will regret forever.

    Fast forward to the morning I get up late groggy, went to bed late after looking at Elton John songs all night... I see my brother by the coffee maker he inform me mom fell and had an aneurism and that it was bad. My brother doesn't cry a lot yet that morning he grabbed me and was sobbing. The news initially hit me like a bad dream after waking... it can't be real... this isn't happening. I told him I needed to get out and do something so I went and I cut the lawn over the old house where the emotions broke quite a bit. I bawled the whole time barely finished the grass, I then went on my way home but got sidetracked also noticed my engine light came on again which pissed me off. I proceeded to hit Koopers, I went and had 3 beers Piraat that were in the abv weight class of wine. I called my cousin and friends I ended up going over my cousins that night. I drank quite a bit while we talked, watch Man of Steel. I passed out, woke up and threw up quite a bit (heavy drinking, shishkabob and and severe negative emotional shock do not mix)

    I cleaned up my cousins bathroom as best I could, I had what normally would be a hangover that would make one want to die from the pain... but in comparison to what I was feeling from the news, it felt like a paper cut. Talked it over with my brother we discussed leaving that night ultimately we set out early tuesday morning though, I went to a coffee meet sunday night with my furry friends, had a fairly good time (well as much as I could not calling my mom to inform her how the meet was going, called my brother and father instead asking dad about how mom was as she was in a medical induced coma at this point , and my brother if he wanted a coffee brought back).

    Not much happened in terms of things monday as both me and my brother were on edge and emotional prone to crying. We went the 13 hour drive to florida from maryland in pretty good time overall. We went right to the hospital. We spent a week sitting by her bed. Initially the doctors were cautiously optimistic saying she had a fighting chance but it would be hard. They also cautioned us she needed quiet, this ultimately led me and my brother to make choices we both would regret. They did a treatment to get her brain pressure down as it was way up it initially help but it kept creeping back up, me and my brother left to go home to rest up for when they woke her. We kept getting updates, Monday evening we got the update indicating an eye test they did indicated no response indicating possible brain damage.

    They did another test and then decided if there was any chance to save it involved waking her no mater the stroke risk. My dad then called to say she was being taken off the paralytic and drugs to see what happened she didn't come back, but had limited brain function dropping. My brother was clingy that night worried when I went out to get groceries, confiding in my friend I was still clining to the little bit of hope I had left. He called to ask where I was I said I'd be right back and I was, I then heard him knock when I got home and asked if I wanted to sit with him. He got out a couple of bottles of strong bourbon and we talked I conffessed things about my life to him my fears, even that I was a DL. We talked about mom and our futures. The next day we both were making plans what todo Me and my brother looked to getting a flight to florida at my advice after getting the call from my dad asking if we wanted to be there when she passed.

    We had my cousin come over the night before, prior watched Zootopia with my brother and we headed out to the air port at 3 am, tsa was truly the nightmare people make it out to be I felt violated and treated like dirt, on top of that we had an unrully old man on our flight who almost got security down there before we took off. Surprisingly... the flights were ahead of time. We were picked up by my dads mechanic friends and taken to the hospital... They were a tad too much given the circumstances, I literally got their in time to see mom one last time with my brother and she died about maybe 3-5 minutes later as I held her hand singing what I remembered of her favorite hymn she used to sing to me when I was uncontrolably sobbing, it wasn't long before I was again. They were preparing the body to make it so we could spend a bit more time with her alone if we wanted so they had a private conference room they were supposed to let us have for quiet... It was occupied so we went out to the waiting area and the empty section had wet furniture. Ultimately we went back and said a few words with the corpse don't think she was still in there but I let out the backlog of emotional things with the corpse by myself and hugged it and kissed it one last time. I had prayed to God every day for her to be better or at least have one more chance to talk with her say I loved her and hug her before she had to leave forever, all I got though was her heart beat for 5 minutes.

    We then went out for lunch with my dads friends, they were frustrating to deal with given the numbness but I tried to be nice for her. We then went to the church my bladder at that point bursting because I had a couple of beers at this lunch barely made it to the church bathroom (really wish I could be honest with my dad about the diapers, he's the one person I know wouldn't want to hear about it). I was fine after that though til we got to the funeral home... where we were forced to remember her, for me it was too much... I held it in best I could emotionally not the bladder that part was fine, but then when finishing up the funeral director insisted on my dad speaking with the one guy he wanted as a speaker, and that by itself wasn't a big deal til he asked what happened where my dad in great detail recounted that night about how she went to bed and was half out of the bed, he noticed she had thrown up in the bathroom and had changed her night gown and he had planned to let her sleep but noticed she was bleeding from the head when he checked her.

    This was too much for me rehearing it right after holding her hand as she died. I lost it, I had to step outside at that point. I sat with my brother. We went home that night I talked with some friends trying to stop the sobbing, finally I went to bed last night... This morning I woke, but something was missing, the majority of my feelings were gone, like the numbness one gets when they've drank a great deal but sober on top of that it currently feels like smiling is not possible and crying feels automaic. That brings me to where I am now.

    My mom was one of those people I had the closest relationship with, in the passed year right after christmas I had an auto accident which broke my finger and left me without a car, she had been the greatest emotional support since then helping me get through the physical therapy and learning to be ok with myself heck she even comforted me over stupid stuff like the time I thought I put a major scratch on a loaner car I got when they were trying to fix my car I bought. I'm not even sure there is a strong enough thing to equate to her importance in my life and how big a blow this has been for me, but being a dl and having that as pretty constant obsession, that doesn't even range in importance to how I felt when I got this news.
    Last edited by rennecfox; 01-Sep-2016 at 15:14.

  2. #2


    What a lousy experience dude. All I can say is i feel for your loss and hope you take care of yourself. Time and those close to you will help you cope.

  3. #3


    I am sorry to hear of the loss. I can only second what ozbub posted.

  4. #4


    It's going to rough next week, having my birthday followed by saying goodbye to seeing her face friday when they burry her. Its funny when I was a little kid I always wanted to be an adult.... the older I get the more I think, "What the hell was I thinking when I was 6?"

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by rennecfox View Post
    It's going to rough next week, having my birthday followed by saying goodbye to seeing her face friday when they burry her. Its funny when I was a little kid I always wanted to be an adult.... the older I get the more I think, "What the hell was I thinking when I was 6?"
    That's the unique difference between us and real child, indeed every kids always wanted to be older than their age and usually when asked always wanted to be an adult, when we've become adults was hoping to be little. Of course like that, when we were little, our mindset is still smooth and not too concerned about what will happen in the future like loss people who's close to us, I really can feel your loss and regret that you have, our life always feel burden if someone who are important to our lives was gone but that's all depends on yourself how you face it, had been said take care of yourself, there's always much people who close with you and can help you doing your life next days to be better, times always move and don't get run over by it, concerned that.


  6. #6


    Hugs lots .
    My times comming too my mom can go any time.
    Holds tite.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by foxkits View Post
    Hugs lots .
    My times comming too my mom can go any time.
    Holds tite.
    Is she conscinece? *hugs* if so be sure and tell her you love her lots thats important, do so even if she isn't

  8. #8


    I feel like I was there with you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to an aneurysm when I was 28, and my mom, two years later, to cancer. I can remember everything like it was yesterday. My dad had been painting their bedroom molding. A day after the funeral, I finished painting the bedroom for my mom. It was my dad who had taught me how to paint when I was a kid, and I found myself painting in his brushstrokes. It was a strange experience, like he was there with me, teaching me again how to do it.

    It's hard to lose our parents because we also lose a part of ourselves. The pain gets easier over time and our lives go on, but we never forget the things they did for us. I have a reoccurring dream where I'm driving, trying to find my childhood home, and I never do, except one time I did. I pulled up to my parent's house, my home. I walked up to the front door and knock, excited to see my mom and dad, but no one answered the door; no one every came and I had this deep, sad feeling of loss.

    I do believe we go on after death and I think that sometimes, my mom finds a way to look in on me. I know she would be proud of the things I've accomplished and I believe your mom is proud of you. Don't give up hope in a continuing future. Life goes on and we move through it even with all its pain and suffering. What saves us is finding purpose in our lives, and someone to love and who loves us.

  9. #9

    Default I wrote her eulogy this afternoon

    My Mother was a beautiful woman, no not talking about physical appearances though she did have a natural beauty about her and didn’t use much in the way of makeup later in life. The beauty I speak of is the beauty of her attitude towards others and the way she could bring comfort to everyone she touched.
    My mom cared about family, family was very important to her, she loved to show her affection to me and my brother by hugging and kissing us. She’d often tease us but when it came down to it she could also be serious and said what she believed though she delivered it with a gentleness that I’ve never seen anyone else give when being firm. She wanted the best for her family and would do anything to help her family that she could giving words.
    She had a natural way with making you feel comfortable just by talking to her, I could talk for hours with her or just even just sit next to her and her warmth and love radiated to me and made me feel better and more determined to go on. In the darkest hour after my car accident at the end of last year she spent hours by my side encouraging me making me feel better, I was working my way out of one of the darkest chapters of my life recently where I have been very depressed. Talking with her was what gave me the courage to go on. At nights she would sit with me and read scriptures and comfort my sadness as I hugged her and cried in her arms, and that gave me the strength to stop crying and get up.
    The last conversation I had with her and as far as I know was the last long conversation she had with anyone in this world showed examples of that kind she showed until her end. She asked me how my day was, I told her I cut the grass she asked me how the cisco studies were going and when I was going to take the test. She said in her words “The World was missing out on me” She then talked in great detail about the steaks she got me from Omaha steak set she got me for my birthday. I mentioned I was getting a burger at 7-11 and she mentioned I should get some ginger ale as it would settle my stomach after cutting the grass. I talked about how I was feeling dealing with some health issues and she told me some natural remedies that while not relevant were interesting. She mentioned I believe in that conversation life is about making the most of things where you are. I then told her I was going to go jogging then look at some cisco that night, I then told her good night and that I loved her and she said she loved me too. Even in the end I felt nothing but concern about my life from her.
    But I’m not the only person that my mom touched, she touched the life of my brother and my father. She also touched the lives of her brother and also her sisters when they were alive. She cared dearly for her family, always concerned about their welfare too making sure that people would have birthday cards or birthday messages sent them. She however saw everyone who was a friend of a family member as family and would always ask about these people and tell me to say hello when I was out with my friends.
    But her love didn’t stop with family she was opened to listening to people in need. She had an almost supernatural ability to draw in people to her side and have them tell her their life’s story. I witnessed this happen on more than one occasion. It really comes down to she had a way to make people more comfortable. Even non directly, things she baked would just appeal to people, when she made cookies we almost always got a clean plate back. She was a comforter, she had a way of making everyone she touched that way feel better.
    She also was a woman who was not afraid to stand up and say what she believed, not in a rude way but in a gentle but firm way. She wouldn’t try to hurt people but she wasn’t willing to hide her feelings on things.
    I think one thing I’d have to say my mom taught me from the way she lived. It is possible to love people even when they aren’t behaving the most lovable because she saw them for their good points and let the love cover over their faults. I still find it hard to know I won’t ever feel that embrace of hers again, but I know that love will live well beyond her passing because she touched so many with her kind words and her love. Chances are if you are here today, she has probably touched you or somebody close to you very much at some point. It’s important to care about your families and ask the question “Who is my family and what can I do to bring them comfort and support?” That was what she would do for everyone in her extended family she had contact with. That’s what I take from her life and also 33 of the best years of my life feeling continuously loved in that time.
    Last edited by rennecfox; 02-Sep-2016 at 04:35.

  10. #10


    Ten months ago to the day I lost my mother to a very quick bout with cancer. We'd hardly had the chance to get used to the idea she had it when we were standing at her deathbed. I know the tremendous pain you feel in losing the person in your life who was your rock in times of need. Mine was that for me as well. I doubt that either of us—or perhaps anyone at all—ever gets over such a loss, but the lessons she taught you will stay with you and the love she gave you lives after her. You'll grieve, and that is fine; you're allowed to be in pain for however long it takes. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But you will move on with your life, as she wanted you to and as you need to. You won't forget, and the pain will remain, but it will recede. Until you think about it. And that's just the way life is. And the the way love is. We only know the real pain of loss because we allowed ourselves to know the real joy of love. Keep her love in your heart always and hold it there. That will have to be enough.

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