So I typically rarely ever make threads talking about problems in my life or things I am dealing with but I feel there is something seriously wrong with me mentally.
So a little back story, I am transgender and have had many issues with family in the past, from abuse to one actually attempting to kill me. I had been thrown out and tossed between family like a volleyball. No one wanted me, and I felt pretty broke. I was often depressed and always thinking of suicide. There are times where I would just get so angry that I would literally want to destroy the world, yes literally lol. I would think of ways on how it could be done. I hated people with a passion and wanted to destroy everything. I was often lonely and felt I didn't even know who I was or who I was suppose to be. I lost myself and was never able to return back to what I used to be. I put up wall after wall to block everything to where now it all just bounces off. I am only but a piece of my former self. I could drag this on and get into more details on exactly everything that occurred, but it would take way to long.
Now I don't like saying I am broke, because I feel like I have no right to say that. I believe there are people who have it worse than me and I shouldn't complain. I purposefully try not to cause anyone trouble with my problems, even if that means I must remain in a painful state.
However, there is something seriously wrong. I have not moved forward. I have not done anything. I have always started things, but I never finish anything. Why can't I ever find any actual motivation to do anything? Even in the worst of situations where I could end up with no place to live, it's like everything just stops for me, time entirely frozen and I just freeze. I know what I should do, but for some reason my mind always fills with doubt. I always assume I can't do it and I am wasting my time.
Ever since my ex-fiance broke up with me, I have been lost. I have no idea what I am doing and while I am not in any immediate danger of losing a place to stay ... I am always constantly worried. My health is not very good especially when it comes to my teeth, and I have also gained a bit of weight .. which I am not too happy about. I have no way of correcting these issue as I can't get a job legally where I am living. I often worry I am going to die here one day. But for some reason all it does is cause me to shut down and not do anything and I don't understand why.
How can I be in such a bad situation and not seem to have any motivation to do anything about it? Is it depression? Am I so filled with fear that I froze to prevent anything bad from happening?
See the truth is, I don't think I am fine with how I am, and don't think I have been fine for a very long time. Any time someone asks how I am doing, and I say fine it feels like it's a lie. I mean, I have been like this long before my ex-fiance. So it's not like it started recently.
For example, I went to college twice and both times I shut down, froze and stopped doing what I should be doing. It's even worse if I find a friend to talk to. Then I will do anything to try and be with them even if it means skipping classes because I don't want to be alone.
I can sort of understand why no one wanted me. I am pretty much a loser who can do so much, but never finish a thing. I always act like I am fine, when I am not. I get jealous of others pretty often too.
Is there anyway to fix this brokenness I feel? Anyway to make me excited to actually do something worth actually doing and finish it?
I don't know. I don't really expect anyone to be able to help, I just felt like talking about it for whatever reason. I don't even want to get started about how I feel about being transgender, as I hate it so much. >.>
I am not in any immediate risk of committing suicide. In fact, I am far past that sort of thought process I believe. But maybe that is cause for concern as I don't know why I no longer think of ending it like I used to. I always have hopes I will get out of this situation, but never actually do anything in the end to do so.
I don't get it ... what is wrong with me? I mean hell even right now after writing this my first thought is ... time to watch some anime and do nothing at all. Maybe I just have given up on life, I really am not sure.
Well anyway .. that's it ... sorry to anyone who actually read through it all. It's really just a debate with myself when I think about it.