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Thread: Looking for a significant other?

  1. #1

    Default Looking for a significant other?

    As the Easter holidays are coming up I can't help but think about being re-united with my family again from college. And I'll go through a number of conversations that I will go over again and again with my family. Such as how is college, how was life and things etc... But there is one question that stirs them up. "Have you got a girlfriend yet?", I reply with "No". More series of questions to do with partners. Then then seem very disappointed in me. When you consider my oldest brother all ready is married and with a kid. And my other brother that is younger than me already in a relationship. My best friend has a wonderful partner and have known each other for god knows how long, but they are engaged. So in comparison I seem to be some what "lagging behind".

    Unlike most of the population of my age They may be in a relationship or at least have one or two ex's. And there is me who has never ever been in a relationship. Seems to be a pretty alien idea to some people. Or at least to my family. So it often leads them to other ideas "UnMarth. Are you gay?", "Nope". I do get aroused other the idea of having heterosexual sex. But that doesn't mean I'll ask every girl out that I meet until one accepts. Knowing my Family history, I guess they have that in their genes. But I, however probably lack that as well as the homosexual gene from my Dad's side (assuming homosexuality is gene related, a different discussion for a different time).

    I'm the odd person in my family. I certainly break the pattern where cousins and aunties are concerned. I am some what reserved, to my relatives I seem some what an "Uber genius" to them. but I just think they are blind to the obvious answer in front of them. Or can't use their imagination to at least try to solve problems. But I have been praised to "Do my own thing". As in I've made my own choices of what I want as a college degree and as a career. My brothers and other family members tend to be clueless. But I'm sorry to say, that a partner isn't involved into any of my plans just yet.

    I'm not looking out for a partner either. I haven't got a reason to get one as of yet other than appeal to popularity. As in, everyone has a girlfriend, so should I! Or generally fall under the peer pressure of being expected to have a partner of some sort, even if I do bring a bloke back home. Nor do I feel I need one to prosper. I'm very content on being single thank you and require no soul mate. I believe this happened as with all my problems when I was younger I never spoke to anyone about them. I just dealt with them on my own in fear that however I spoke to would think I was mad or not understand my point or feeling I had. So I just lived to cope by myself.

    At one point in my younger years. I was mentally sick and I didn't realise at the time. But I seriously believed that my parents and aliens were reading my mind to crack my ingenious mind. Only the walls within ADISC know this. I can't talk to my parents about it at the time, what with all my paranoia. Nor can I ask now how I was like, I'm sure they would report allot of odd behaviours. But It's all of stuff I just would like them to forget. So I don't even consider bringing up the topic or promptly leave the conversation if anything about me in the past. It will only drive me mad to see them have the wrong ideas. And I can't really bring myself to correct them in the group or individually. As it means I would have to cover a large scope of things I don't want them to know about.

    This is a another thing that I fear if I do get myself a partner. Over time I will start to feel guilty about letting them believe the tales my parents told them about me being younger. I'm sure they are all funny and comical. But having to live with this person on a day by day basis. I'm sure they'll repeat those things time and time again to me "do you remember when you were younger...". It would drive me mad unless I told them. and that isn't going to be easy. So I feel that the person on hand may or may not be able to take my extra-ordinary past. I told you I was the odd ball in my family. (Although my mum keeps telling me of the story of how she dropped me on my head when I was baby. I don't even know how to react to that one myself).

    Not all relationships are going to be that serious. I'm willing to accept the idea that things just won't work out. However, it only adds to me being more picky about my partner-to-be. Because I fear that they may leave under the conditions that they don't quiet understand what I told them about me being a Very very odd ball indeed in my past. And say whether to other people thinking I'm some kind of moron/psyco path killer with me knowledge or not. I guess that will lead me to my next point.

    As time goes by, I'll still be single and while everyone else knows what to expect out of certain people, I'll still be somewhat clueless. I've never had a partner. And it causes me to hesitate when I think about starting a partnership. I feel I could regret this or the person isn't really ready for a newby. I am probably worrying too much, But I just don't see myself as the romantic type. I can be some what blunt in my points at times and ask my friends about tying to handle other people's emotions in person and live. I can be a bit careless. Where I act before I think. I just think I would be incapable of handling a relationship.

    But I don't worry about it that often as I don't think about girls as much as those do in their younger years. The idea appeals to me. However, I've got my mind on other things. Mostly College and just making friends. But when I do think about it, like I am here. I'm quickly put off by the idea. It seems like an odd idea for me to be with a girl. I just typically chose whatever my instincts are and think about them a little before I act. and thinking about me having a partner as an instinct seems really alien to me. Unlike other people I guess they feel somewhat different.

    So I can talk to women like I talk to other men. I have no issue with that. But I don't feel I should have a partner or not. I can't help but feel I've got everything to lose by having a partner. But then again, I feel that I am missing out. And in the future. I really would like to pursue the idea, but the longer I wait, the more I hesitate. So should I go now, or wait? Sometimes I don't know what exactly I am waiting for at times. Although I am a patient man.

    Friends are Friends, but a partner is a completely different thing, I don't think many people would be able to live with my personality.

    So ADISC, what do you feel about the whole idea of having a partner and do you think I'm mad? Sometimes I think I should change the way I act about certain aspects. Other times I think it's fine. So far. I pick the safe option. And that's leave it out of the window until I've made a much more solid choice about things.

  2. #2

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    UnMarth, that post just mirrored my life. Well, when it comes to partners. My mom and her husband have actually got so far to say that "fucking is fun," and "you don't know what you are missing," etc... But then my mom tells me I better never come home pregnant?

    Maybe it's just something they expect.... I personally think you're making the right choice. Why complicate your life with a relationship until you're good and ready?

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Abby View Post
    My mom and her husband have actually got so far to say that "fucking is fun," and "you don't know what you are missing," etc... But then my mom tells me I better never come home pregnant?
    The sex life I'm not particularly worried about. I'm very hard to please and when people try to introduce me to things that are "Really cool", "Really fun" or "You've got to do and you'll be hooked". I'm some try their suggestion and reply "It was alright", they seem a little upset about it. I'm very hard to please.

    Or more of the fact of having some one to talk to and just being more of a friend. It would be nice to go home and realise that I've got the best partner in the world that I can go up to and can't help but cuddle all the time. That's when I realise, I've just got some one to share all my experiences, rather than be selective to my friends. They don't need to or want to know the rest.

  4. #4
    daria7483

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    Seems kind of messed up for your family to keep asking if you have a girlfriend yet. Why does it matter to them what you do with your personal life? And I've known lots of people (guys) who never had a girlfriend until after college. You just might manage to avoid the cycle of getting with someone, falling in love and then breaking up, multiple times over, that so many of us go through, and actually find the right person the first or second time instead.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by daria7483 View Post
    Seems kind of messed up for your family to keep asking if you have a girlfriend yet.
    It's not messed up. If they ask twice a day then yes, but they're only going to ask because the whole family is together for Easter. They're just looking for a life update.


    Peer presure usually pushes me the wrong way. Such as how everyone has a cell phone and wan't me to get one too, I refuse. Or how everyone loves driving, and I still don't have my license. Same goes for the whole relationship thing. I've had many girls and guys fall in love and try to go out with me. They always end up getting their hearts broken. There was one girl that tried to make me feal bad that I broke her heart and I through her quite the rant on how I made it clear how I felt and how she's trying to manipulate a relationship.

    In the end, I hold this opinion. Relationships are the same thing as good friends with lust mixed in. Sence I don't like lust, I'll just stick with the good friends part of the relationship. So far, only one person took me up on that offer, and everyone thought we were going out. So when I finnally do get into a relationship, I'm confedent I won't be a total noob. I'm going to suck at sex though. That'll take a while to get good at.

  6. #6

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    I used to be VERY odd, well, I still am, but I met this girl that I found attractive (unusual for me, as before that I was only aroused by fetish related things) and for the last 6 months we have been going out, no sex,
    we enjoy spending time together and are good friends, we are very alike (only I haven't told her about ANY of my fetishes, so we probably aren't the same in that department) but I am happiest when I'm with her - When she comes to see my band perform, I get even more excited than usual - It could be love, but as I'm only 16 I am being very weary of this.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by UnMarth View Post
    So in comparison I seem to be some what "lagging behind".

    Unlike most of the population of my age They may be in a relationship or at least have one or two ex's. And there is me who has never ever been in a relationship.

    This is a another thing that I fear if I do get myself a partner. Over time I will start to feel guilty about letting them believe the tales my parents told them about me being younger.

    Because I fear that they may leave under the conditions that they don't quiet understand what I told them about me being a Very very odd ball indeed in my past. And say whether to other people thinking I'm some kind of moron/psyco path killer with me knowledge or not. I guess that will lead me to my next point.

    I've never had a partner. And it causes me to hesitate when I think about starting a partnership. I feel I could regret this or the person isn't really ready for a newby. I am probably worrying too much, But I just don't see myself as the romantic type.

    So ADISC, what do you feel about the whole idea of having a partner and do you think I'm mad? Sometimes I think I should change the way I act about certain aspects. Other times I think it's fine. So far. I pick the safe option. And that's leave it out of the window until I've made a much more solid choice about things.
    Whatever you do, do not select for a partner until you are ready.

    It's better to be alone than have someone bad, and before you can commit yourself in a kind of relationship that will build towards a positive life together, you have to come to terms with your own past and many of your own demons.

    Hence, no, you aren't "lagging behind", nor is it a bad thing that others have a trail of poon behind them and you have none.



    Quote Originally Posted by Abby View Post
    My mom and her husband have actually got so far to say that "fucking is fun," and "you don't know what you are missing," etc...
    Oh, the awkward times you must have in that home!

    I know that I accidentally walked in on my parents one time (funny story there, remind me to tell it sometime) and I was freaked and somewhat scarred by it for a few years after.

    I cannot imagine what kind of idiot parent (sorry) would tell their child that "fucking is fun." Sure, within the bounds of a supportive and positive relationship, there is no greater feeling than looking into the eyes of your other and coming (cumming) together ... but to denigrate "the little death" to "fucking is fun" ... *shakes head* ... that is like saying that life is all about breathing.

    Point being, UnMarth, that you're doing the right thing by staying the course here. When the time is right, you'll know. Until then, all your relatives can mind their own business and live their own lives.

  8. #8

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    Yeah, just do your own thing. If you suddenly find the right person sooner than expected, then you'll figure it out. If not, then that's okay too if it doesn't bother you to be single. You don't have to find someone just to conform to what your family wants. Live your own life the way you want.

    I really wish I had a girlfriend. I've had three in the past, but they're not what most people would consider "real relationships". One was an online relationship (I was about 13 or 14) that lasted a few months. I abandoned that because she wanted to meet and I was too scared (also was afraid to tell her about my transgender and infantilism feelings). I also had a crush on someone at school (which never went anywhere because I was chicken. I was also afraid of her dad.... heard a rumor that he would kick boys out of the house or something like that). The next relationship only lasted a week and sometimes I wonder if it was solely to make her ex jealous. I didn't really take the relationship seriously (I think I was 14 or 15 at the time). So it ended.

    Finally, I had an online relationship that lasted a few years. (I was about 16 or 17 ) It sucks to be alone, but online relationships kinda suck too, especially when you're expected to be the "in charge" one. She wanted me to come visit her, but I just couldn't figure out a way to do that. So I think what ended it was that we just couldn't meet in person.... (I had actually told her about me wearing diapers and such though, she was okay with it, but she wasn't really into it)

    We are still friends though and may meet someday. I'm not sure how I would react though. There are a lot of things about her that aren't right for me. I'd like to finally be able to give her a real hug though, even though I don't think I even want to be more than friends with her now.

    I do hate being single.... I wish I had someone to love and love me in return. (It's far more important to me than career plans or whatever) But I'm not some macho man or bad boy troublemaker that most girls seem to like. I'm more a nice/"weird" guy. Sometimes I even feel like I'd be the "female" role of the relationship. I'm into feelings and love. Sometimes I wish I didn't even have sexual feelings. Not that I never want to have sex, I'd like to sometime, but I could live without it if I really had to do so. It's so damn complicated!

    I'm also just too damn.... chicken. I don't have much of a clue how to talk to girls. I've never had a lasting "IRL" girlfriend. And first impressions are important.... I'm too afraid of making bad ones. I just don't know how I'm going to find someone, especially someone that can deal with all my unique qualities.... Then there are the things that I probably wouldn't be able to deal with. Though not many, I do have some standards.

    Maybe I just need some really good friends.... the kind I've never had before. I've had friends, but none of them lasted. People seem to abandon me after 5 years or so for whatever reason. I guess it's partially my fault too though. I have a hard time being myself around others. But.... I want hugs and love. And I hate to think of myself living alone someday.... It would be good in some ways, but I think I'd eventually just start crying. I need more time to myself than I have now, and more privacy, but a single's life is not for me. I am so screwed....

    Lately, I even have a hard time making friends online. I do have some online friends that consider me to be close though. But I'm just not finding it easy to make new friends, online or offline. It seems like no one is ever genuinely interested in talking to me. And I'm too shy. It's not fun.

    I do have hope though that I will someday find my "soul mate".... a least some small amount of hope.... whatever good that will do. And uh.... sorry about going on and on about myself. Just wanted to provide another example of a confused person.

  9. #9
    Peachy

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    I think you do worry too much, although I think that's partially because you're a 'computer guy', and you can't fit relationships into the stuff you're familar with..no girl will follow "if-then"-clauses or any kind of logic array
    However, from a logic point of view, a relationship at your age should be avoided. 99.9% of them are bound to fail after some time, so while you may get short term companionship, experience in how to approach women (men) and the ever-popular exchange of bodily fluids to balance out your hormone levels, you also get the negative aspects like lovesickness, depression, bad grades due time lost to activities with the girl and depression after separation, STIs and in the worst case a kid you never wanted. ANd lets not get into the people foolish enough to marry young and then have a divorce to deal with before they even finish university.

    There are some things you need to get out of your head though:



    Quote Originally Posted by UnMarth View Post
    This is a another thing that I fear if I do get myself a partner. Over time I will start to feel guilty about letting them believe the tales my parents told them about me being younger.
    First of all, the partner should get to know you first before they ever get to talk to your parents. So you should have plenty of time to 'prepare' her for what may be coming from your relatives. She may decide that your relatives are the odd balls, not you. Besides, she'll have to live with the current and future you, not the past you.



    Quote Originally Posted by UnMarth View Post
    As time goes by, I'll still be single and while everyone else knows what to expect out of certain people, I'll still be somewhat clueless. I've never had a partner. And it causes me to hesitate when I think about starting a partnership. I feel I could regret this or the person isn't really ready for a newby.
    You're not gonna run around with "Dating newb" tattooed to your forehead, are you? When you get to know people, they'll have to take you the way you are, and if you're insecure about dating, they'll can either work around it or just get lost. It's a take it or leave it-decision, so you shouldn't be worried about the lack of experience. So again, this is more of an issue holding you back than anyone else, because other people are unaware of everyone else's previous experience in dating, sex or breaking up with people. You start at level 0 with everyone.



    Quote Originally Posted by UnMarth View Post
    But I'm sorry to say, that a partner isn't involved into any of my plans just yet.
    And you can be sure that some girl is going to come along at a time when you least expect it and when it's really inconvenient for you. You can't squeeze relationships into a plan - you can't plan on getting yourself a girlfriend in the next 2 weeks either.
    So the best advice is to just not actively seek someone if you don't feel like it, but at least be open to a relationship if it happens. And for those nagging relatives: Just tell them you don't feel like getting involved in a relationship at the time being, and maybe point out a bad example in your family. "I don't want to end up like Uncle Richie...who got divorced at 20 and was so depressed that he failed to complete university over it".

    Peachy

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by wannabesissybaby92 View Post
    I used to be VERY odd, well, I still am, but I met this girl that I found attractive (unusual for me, as before that I was only aroused by fetish related things) and for the last 6 months we have been going out, no sex,
    we enjoy spending time together and are good friends, we are very alike (only I haven't told her about ANY of my fetishes, so we probably aren't the same in that department) but I am happiest when I'm with her - When she comes to see my band perform, I get even more excited than usual - It could be love, but as I'm only 16 I am being very weary of this.
    6 Months! I'm sorry to say this, but you are stuck in the "friend zone". If you like her that much, you should do something about it! Come on man, she comes to see your band play! You're a rock star for crying out loud! Take the plunge!

    -Gus

    Oh and UnMarth...You'll know when you meet the right person. Just stay out there and meet as many people as you can and you'll find the one. The only catch is, when you find the "One", you have to know how to hang on to them.

    Good Luck.

    -Gus
    Last edited by Martin; 15-Mar-2009 at 17:01. Reason: Merging doublepost

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