As the Easter holidays are coming up I can't help but think about being re-united with my family again from college. And I'll go through a number of conversations that I will go over again and again with my family. Such as how is college, how was life and things etc... But there is one question that stirs them up. "Have you got a girlfriend yet?", I reply with "No". More series of questions to do with partners. Then then seem very disappointed in me. When you consider my oldest brother all ready is married and with a kid. And my other brother that is younger than me already in a relationship. My best friend has a wonderful partner and have known each other for god knows how long, but they are engaged. So in comparison I seem to be some what "lagging behind".
Unlike most of the population of my age They may be in a relationship or at least have one or two ex's. And there is me who has never ever been in a relationship. Seems to be a pretty alien idea to some people. Or at least to my family. So it often leads them to other ideas "UnMarth. Are you gay?", "Nope". I do get aroused other the idea of having heterosexual sex. But that doesn't mean I'll ask every girl out that I meet until one accepts. Knowing my Family history, I guess they have that in their genes. But I, however probably lack that as well as the homosexual gene from my Dad's side (assuming homosexuality is gene related, a different discussion for a different time).
I'm the odd person in my family. I certainly break the pattern where cousins and aunties are concerned. I am some what reserved, to my relatives I seem some what an "Uber genius" to them. but I just think they are blind to the obvious answer in front of them. Or can't use their imagination to at least try to solve problems. But I have been praised to "Do my own thing". As in I've made my own choices of what I want as a college degree and as a career. My brothers and other family members tend to be clueless. But I'm sorry to say, that a partner isn't involved into any of my plans just yet.
I'm not looking out for a partner either. I haven't got a reason to get one as of yet other than appeal to popularity. As in, everyone has a girlfriend, so should I! Or generally fall under the peer pressure of being expected to have a partner of some sort, even if I do bring a bloke back home. Nor do I feel I need one to prosper. I'm very content on being single thank you and require no soul mate. I believe this happened as with all my problems when I was younger I never spoke to anyone about them. I just dealt with them on my own in fear that however I spoke to would think I was mad or not understand my point or feeling I had. So I just lived to cope by myself.
At one point in my younger years. I was mentally sick and I didn't realise at the time. But I seriously believed that my parents and aliens were reading my mind to crack my ingenious mind. Only the walls within ADISC know this. I can't talk to my parents about it at the time, what with all my paranoia. Nor can I ask now how I was like, I'm sure they would report allot of odd behaviours. But It's all of stuff I just would like them to forget. So I don't even consider bringing up the topic or promptly leave the conversation if anything about me in the past. It will only drive me mad to see them have the wrong ideas. And I can't really bring myself to correct them in the group or individually. As it means I would have to cover a large scope of things I don't want them to know about.
This is a another thing that I fear if I do get myself a partner. Over time I will start to feel guilty about letting them believe the tales my parents told them about me being younger. I'm sure they are all funny and comical. But having to live with this person on a day by day basis. I'm sure they'll repeat those things time and time again to me "do you remember when you were younger...". It would drive me mad unless I told them. and that isn't going to be easy. So I feel that the person on hand may or may not be able to take my extra-ordinary past. I told you I was the odd ball in my family. (Although my mum keeps telling me of the story of how she dropped me on my head when I was baby. I don't even know how to react to that one myself).
Not all relationships are going to be that serious. I'm willing to accept the idea that things just won't work out. However, it only adds to me being more picky about my partner-to-be. Because I fear that they may leave under the conditions that they don't quiet understand what I told them about me being a Very very odd ball indeed in my past. And say whether to other people thinking I'm some kind of moron/psyco path killer with me knowledge or not. I guess that will lead me to my next point.
As time goes by, I'll still be single and while everyone else knows what to expect out of certain people, I'll still be somewhat clueless. I've never had a partner. And it causes me to hesitate when I think about starting a partnership. I feel I could regret this or the person isn't really ready for a newby. I am probably worrying too much, But I just don't see myself as the romantic type. I can be some what blunt in my points at times and ask my friends about tying to handle other people's emotions in person and live. I can be a bit careless. Where I act before I think. I just think I would be incapable of handling a relationship.
But I don't worry about it that often as I don't think about girls as much as those do in their younger years. The idea appeals to me. However, I've got my mind on other things. Mostly College and just making friends. But when I do think about it, like I am here. I'm quickly put off by the idea. It seems like an odd idea for me to be with a girl. I just typically chose whatever my instincts are and think about them a little before I act. and thinking about me having a partner as an instinct seems really alien to me. Unlike other people I guess they feel somewhat different.
So I can talk to women like I talk to other men. I have no issue with that. But I don't feel I should have a partner or not. I can't help but feel I've got everything to lose by having a partner. But then again, I feel that I am missing out. And in the future. I really would like to pursue the idea, but the longer I wait, the more I hesitate. So should I go now, or wait? Sometimes I don't know what exactly I am waiting for at times. Although I am a patient man.
Friends are Friends, but a partner is a completely different thing, I don't think many people would be able to live with my personality.
So ADISC, what do you feel about the whole idea of having a partner and do you think I'm mad? Sometimes I think I should change the way I act about certain aspects. Other times I think it's fine. So far. I pick the safe option. And that's leave it out of the window until I've made a much more solid choice about things.