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Thread: Advice on what to do (sex, etc..)

  1. #1

    Default Advice on what to do (sex, etc..)

    So, I'm an aspie.
    I don't really like to talk, or engage in social behavior. So on the topic of having a partner, I haven't even tried. I haven't even had a IRL friend since, prolly 8th grade, and that was a while ago. It's more of the fact that I wouldn't know what do do with such a close partner. I have a hard time understanding,or visualizing how two people can be like that. I'm honestly more like Spock from star trek, I think in terms of logic. I also spend all my time, sleeping, at work(or school) or working on my other projects, small amount of gaming or tv. I don't even have the time, or the effort to make the time.
    I'm not sure what to do. I enjoy being alone, doing the things that I like to do. I'm also hampered by the fact that I don't have anyone to do more things with that would be easier to do with someone else. I need someone, yet don't want to spend the time to achieve that.

    To further complicate things, I don't even know where I stand on sex.
    Basically, I don't really want to be with a girl for that. It doesn't arouse me, in fact I don't really get much out of "doing it myself", It just doesn't feel good unless I stick stuff up my butt. In fact I fantasize about a penis being up there. I tried a real dildo and it was one of the best experiences, and I've been enjoying anal play more than anything recently. But honestly I couldn't "love" a boy, so I likely wouldn't go for that, I'd also never trust that person. I could probably "love" a girl, but like I said, I don't want to have sex with a girl.

    I'm also not sure that I'm capable of love in the typical sense of the word. I experienced it until I was 4 years, but there has been 0 love in my family past that point, I have no experience with it, or how to act or what to do.
    I mean, I consider my self in love with my stuffed animals, but honestly its fake, and does not really fill that void that I have.
    I'm totally lost, and who I am just makes it really difficult to change.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'm sure that this is all a part of being autistic, but having fewer, close friends is also a part of getting older. My wife and I have a few friends whom we socialize with, going out to dinner, etc., but mostly we stay home and do our own things. As we get older, we don't have the close, best friends relationships we had as children. I actually wrote about this in my novel.

    As for your love life, you might find another male that simply wants sex without having a relationship. It happens all the time, but I can understand not wanting to make the effort. That brings in a whole lot of other dynamics that sometimes no one wants to deal with.

  3. #3

    Default

    I know what you mean. I'm an Aspie and I've never had a relationship that gave me more positive emotions than it gave me negative emotions.

    That said, I think it's dangerous to assume Aspies have stronger logical faculties than others.

    I understand what you mean about sex. I don't enjoy hetero sex either, even though my affections are primarily for women. You can be heteroromantic and homosexual. It's not an easy way to be but it doesn't mean you're broken.

  4. #4

    Default

    There's no law requiring you to have a partner. While you need to socialize to some extent to get along in the world, and probably SHOULD work at social skills for your own benefit, committing to a partner when you're simply not comfortable with the concept is a disservice to that partner and has a good chance of ending badly. Sex is highly overrated, but unfortunately drives the bus for a lot of people. Thanks, evolution. Without a ridiculously strong sex drive and mutual attraction, the species would've died out long ago.

    I'm something of a loner and have always known that is a weakness and a limitation. I got married a long, long time ago because everyone else was doing it and I thought it would be something I'd learn to like. I knew I was smart enough and disciplined enough to make it work in spite of my personal limitations, and that turned out to be true. Fortunately, Mrs. Maxx is very similar in a lot of ways, and we've managed for 35 years by respecting each others limitations and cobbling together our unique set of boundaries. That, said, if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I'd probably stay single. No reflection on Mrs. Maxx. I don't think there is anyone else I could have gotten along with better.

    In my work life, I became a salesman for the same reason... looked at my asocial nature as a weakness and attacked it, figuring I would overcome and learn to like social interaction just like everyone else. I did manage to overcome, as I expected, but never did learn to like it. Oh, well.

    "A man's got to know his limitations" - Dirty Harry

  5. #5

    Default

    I've never been diagnosed Autistic but the similarities between you and I are uncanny, right down to the Spock reference. I think that I used the Spock character to validated the way I am, intellectual and soft-spoken. Sound familiar? Interestingly, when I got a job as a supervisor, my affiliation changed to Captain Kirk and so did my self-image.

    I don't really like to talk, or engage in social behavior.
    Many people will judge you for that but not everyone. You don't have to force yourself into social situations but find people who have similar interests. I belong to several Meetup groups for hiking, biking, kayaking that are safe social situations. Each one of them have at least one person (including a woman) who knows I'm shy and make me comfortable in the group. Woman who know how I am approach me.

    It's more of the fact that I wouldn't know what do do with such a close partner.
    My college roommate said to me once "even if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn't know what to do with her" Some men are born knowing how to treat a woman. Watch and learn.

    I enjoy being alone, doing the things that I like to do.
    There's nothing wrong with liking to be alone as long as you don't use it as an excuse for avoiding social situations. If you're with the right people, you don't need to talk, just being there is all that's important.

    I'm also hampered by the fact that I don't have anyone to do more things with that would be easier to do with someone else. I need someone, yet don't want to spend the time to achieve that.
    My mom once said to me "to have a friend, you've got to be a friend.

    I don't really want to be with a girl for that.
    Many woman will judge you for that but not all of them. I've thought for some time that I'm asexual. I love woman but I'm just not driven to have sex with them. Do you want to have a family? That's a problem if you someday want children and grandchildren. I've tried the 'friend' route and it doesn't work. There must be asexual woman around you, you just have to find one. How many sex-less marriages do you think there are?

    I've been enjoying anal play more than anything recently.
    Been there. That doesn't mean anything so don't overthink it.


    I'm also not sure that I'm capable of love in the typical sense of the word.
    I thought the same thing until I met a woman who made me feel like a man. Someone who affirms who you are. That is love.


    I'm totally lost, and who I am just makes it really difficult to change.
    So don't isolate yourself socially, join groups, gravitate towards people who you connect with, be open and available. And know that you're not alone.

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