Well, I've had two mental breakdowns in the last two days, my suicidal thoughts got pretty intense in the last two days, very intense as in I would most likely do it. (been kind of plotting and imaging things)
All this stress is getting to me, accidentally sliced my hand on glass today while cleaning out my room, blood pissed everywhere, brought back a traumatic but similar memory involving blood, a bit distressed about it, ended up yelling and kicking things due to how bad the memories are.
Tried to choke myself, started freaking out because it got stuck, undid it, and I'm not attempting that again, it's scary.
Sorry for my last post, I had to vent and apologise for the swearing, I'm going to see my doctors about my intense emotions.
It's odd, deep down I'm honestly feel isolated, hopeless, not due to the getting kicked out thing, mostly not even getting basic jobs like maccas, feeling like a failure and I just want to escape.
At the same time all my problems would go away, no more looking for jobs, but at the same time, I'm honestly scared. I'm obviously in my lowest state, It doesn't help that I have high expectations for myself, yet never accomplish anything as reality doesn't like to help, for some reason I can never get a simple job, while jimmy the junkie, gets a job.
I find it odd how I apply to maccas online, at 20 different restaurants, yet I don't get the job, while the next day a mate of mine who is a hard core drug user, gets the same job I applied for. yet he doesn't rock up at the interview (I'm not kidding this actually happened on multiple occasions) even he has a bloody job.
I feel like in 80 years I'll be working at maccas. I don't see myself having a bright future, because in reality, good things happen to bad people.
I just feel at awful, and at my lowest, just don't think I can cope with this nonsense anymore.
The only friends I've got in real life, I've lost they mostly vanished after I finished high school, I've got no one in real life honestly, people just care so little, they forget tons about me, people just move on i guess. I'm not too important, I guess there happier without me, even though I was nice and caring.