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Thread: My Bullying still effects me to this day.

  1. #1

    Default My Bullying still effects me to this day.

    I'm not sure if I'm traumatized, but most of the bullying that I've been through is still fixed in my head, it comes up at random times and I cannot forgot it, certain events bring me back terrible memories that leave me shocked or make me feel guilty.

    It always seems to manifest itself in small ways, like when people ask to borrow money, it brings back the time someone black mailed me and scammed me out of $50 when I was 10, it was my pocket money, and I was devastated, not only that, they continued for 3-4 years threatening they would do specific things, and since this individual was "a very trusted person who doesn't lie" I knew I was gonna get into trouble for "made up things" I've never done in my life.

    I also had another so called friend, whack my face into a pole, chipped the front of my tooth, teacher didn't seem to care.

    A few years ago, I decided to sit down and talk to someone, and before I know it, they pushed me off the chair, and everybody in the room gave me a dirty look like I did something wrong, he found it funny, and he is lucky I didn't hit him one.

    I narrowly avoided getting knocked out by another table, if the chair had of been further back, I would of been knocked unconscious, the amount of force he used, that or I could of had a chair leg snap and go into my spine.

    every time I go past my old school or high school, it brings back very lucid memories, that are terrible. really the only time I feel strong emotion most of the time I feel numb, but in a depressed way.

    I always think, crap I could of avoided that, if I didn't do this, or that, but at the same time it's not my fault, all the bullying would of never occurred if I didn't even talk to specific people or even be around them.

    I've only ever have had two true friends, only friends with one now, the other one was manipulated by the bullies and there entire family think I'm a liar or untrustworthy, even though I pretty much disproved all his lies. It makes me sad because I can't even have a basic chat without him thinking I'm lying, even though I've almost never lied to him, he just doesn't want to believe he was manipulated. It's funny how the person who manipulated him suddenly shows his true self, and has nothing to do with him, yet I said to him, he has been like that the entire time, yet he tries to tell me I don't understand, er.. I do.

    He got his friends, to stab me in the back literally with pins that you use on cork boards, they constantly kicked me when the teacher didn't look, they pushed me over a bench, and I always came home in blood, trying to lie and say I tripped to my mother, after a week she realized I was being bullied.

    Teachers did absolutely nothing as there was no "proof", yet I was covered in blood most of the time, they would get my friends to run away from me.

    Later on, the same people, caused my finger to be sliced open, I had to get sent home, that in itself was a massive trigger for my anxiety, as it developed right after that.

    That and when i hit one of them in self defense, not only did I get death threats from so called "friends" they tried to get there parents involved and made out they did nothing wrong, I got threaten and they told me they were gonna whack me with a baseball bat. I've even had them give me threats such as they were going to stab me with a knife, which I eventually went to the police about.

    I'm so glad I don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore, but am I traumatized? I had to get this off my chest as it haunts me to this day.

    Nowadays It's just verbal abuse, thankfully. most people talk to me like I'm an idiot, or just ignore anything I have to say.

    On top of all that, I got into trouble a lot for things I never did. (I should also add)

    I think my AB/DLism is a coping mechanism brought on by this abuse.

  2. #2



    My advices would be that you need some time to talk to yourself and forgive the what happened in the past.

    For what you wrote here, you had gone trought a lot of things, and probably are dealing whit bad things now... but some of the things that you mentioned here, are things that happened years ago, like when someone ask you to borrow money and you remember what hapened when you were a kid, or bringing back memories when you pass trought your old school

    You are clinging too much to your past, those things you cant change them anymore, and you should try to forgive them and continue whit who you are today

    Sorry, this is the best i could said, maybe others members here could help you more.

    I would really recomend that if you arent seeing one, you should find a psicologist to who you could mention all this things, i know its hard but they are the best to help you dealing whit problems like these

    Enviado desde mi SM-N750 mediante Tapatalk

  3. #3


    That makes me angry reading your post, I was bullied too but more emotionally bullied, I got threatened a few times, they did once throw me on the floor and they stabbed pins into my arm and back and even threw spit wads at me. I hope you can learn to get better from the trauma. I am too trying to get over the taunts and events of school. I wish you nothing but the best in getting well. Hugs xx

  4. #4


    "Teachers did absolutely nothing as there was no "proof", yet I was covered in blood most of the time..."

    I know how you feel. I was once doing some classwork at my desk when this boy who was my bully went by. He was behind me at one point since my back faced towards him with the way I was seated. He apparently went to sharpen his pencil. On his way back I just knew something was going to happen. As soon as he went from my line of sight I thought maybe he would leave me alone. I was wrong.

    I suppose the teacher wasn't looking or just didn't care. But I felt a hand grab the back of my hair, as much as he could get and banged my face right into the desk. There was so much blood. And that teacher didn't give two shits about it. She said I was making it up and just trying to be the center of attention. It wasn't the first time something like that happened, it happened often. Sometimes there are things I really don't want to remember.

    Didn't mean to make this about me, but I felt like I had to get that out.

  5. #5


    Everyone deals with Bullying in there own ways some are safe and harmless some are no so much. Bullying is something i suffered at a young age and still do to a maker today. all i can say is find your safe places and stick to them when you need them. The reactions to memories of bullying are never present and in some cases can cause anxiety and depression to kick in. There are many who will tell you to deal with it, i can say for sure dealing with it would be wonderful if it was that easy.

    I suffer depression, anxiety, night terrors and abandonment issues all because of bullying and people telling me to deal with it. my suggestion, find a therapist or doctor you feel comfortable talking about these things too. and try to be cautious on how "triggers" are surrounding you. It is no cure, but it will help things mellow down a bit.

    Hugs to you DrunkBear, you should like a wonderful person who has had a very trying and troubling life. I really do hope you find happiness moving forward.

  6. #6


    I was bullied in school, albeit not to that extent. I cannot cure your anxiety with social interaction, but I can assure you that people usually become much more relaxed and less needy to assure their own place in the world once they reach their 20s.
    Putting trust in people is always a risk, but it tended to work out much better for me with increasing distance to school.

    I can still think of some things I experienced and the feelings attached to them, but it's pretty much history these days.

  7. #7


    Hello there Drunkbear,
    Hearing your experience reminded me with my bitter past to be treated unfairly at school.

    Person who's bullied basically because he/she looks weak and has shortcomings in the eyes of others so others were harassing them. Meaning of bullying itself which I know is one of the forms of aggressive behavior by the dominant forces on the behaviour that's done repeatedly with the purpose of disrupting other person or victims who weaker than him. Victorian Department of Education and Early Childhood Development defines that: "Bullying occurs when a person or a group interfere or threaten the safety and health of reputation or social acceptance of a person and is done repeatedly."

    The impact of bullying itself is going to make someone became trauma of the past, a recent study revealed that negative influence can even be carried into adulthood by the time when the child enters the world of work.

    However, it's depends on how the victim's ability to overcome the trauma they experienced. Many studies have documented levels higher anxiety attacks and panic among victims of bullying, and the experience increasingly associated with mental health and behavioral problems later in life. The latest display of the culture of bullying reveal it's impact on everything from labour affairs until social relations. But if you had a bitter past like it, don't worry because we still can change ourselves for better in the coming days for not worry about it because you still yourself.

    I learned a few things on some sites and books about overcome trauma in the past, for the first thing I learned is you have to "Make peace and forgive your past". If you experience the bitter events then don't keep to and left alone still in your mind, discover what lessons that I can receive from this event? Get rid of the hurts or disappointment in advance and begin to open ourselves to experience the 'recovery' for your psyche. Then you will find the positive things from your past that is bitter. Either maybe lessons that you can receive is a life experience, learn to forgive, learn to be strong personal and other else. Make peace and forgive your past and learn how get over it. Because what's burden or bitter your past, believe there's always good thing in it.

    Next thing I learned is "You don't live for the past but for the future." In this life always had a bitter experience, you are the new person who is constantly looking to the future filled with hope. Your past self was dead and now there's only you who are new these day and very different from yourself in the past. So if there are shadows of the past reappears, don't believe it because it was not you now, Yourself now is brave and honest looking for the future.

    The bottom line is, live with good habits that can change you and leave them who's in your bitter past like schoolmates or groups can continue to take yourself back to the bitter that happened in you past. If you still keep your past habits, it shows that you actually don't have determination to intention to change. Because of the tendency of your mind is still drawn to the old habits which will continue to make you repeat the mistakes of the past. So start abandon the past habits that will continue to damage yourself. Learn to live a proper habits and get social with people who can give you a positive energy in you. Because remember that how burden and bitter your past, there will always light of hope in front you if you want to change yourself today.

    Sorry for annoying grammar

    Last edited by AEther; 17-Aug-2016 at 09:11.

  8. #8


    I was bullied bad too so bad i ran away to another place in the country to live when i was old enough to get away from the people that mentally hurt me more than pysically. People dont realise that mentally is far worse than the physical side of bullying as wounds heal but the mind never forgets. All i have done now is put it behind me. I was so angry with the world up until recently then decided that i had to do something and ive just put it all behind me now. I have decided that even those that upset me i wont rise to them anymore but be nice and civil back....that annoys people so much more if they are having a go at you than if you bite back and give them an aruguement. It really works and it cures that hurt and bitterness that can eat away at you it honestly does. hugs xxxxxx

  9. #9


    I too was brutally bullied when I was a little kid, and later, I was sexually enticed by older boys. When I was 14, I was hit by a car doing about 40 mph and after I was able to go back to school, six months later, I made a new friend, the starting linebacker on the football team. He really helped to rehabilitate me. As part of that, we both weight lifted and that changed my life. In two years I was lifting my own weight over my head and benching 200 lbs.

    We had a gym class bully, six foot something, and one day he decided to choose me as his victim. I caught him trying to break into my gym locker, but now I was much stronger than him. I grabbed him, threw him down onto the hard gym floor tile. I pounced onto him knees first knocking the wind out of him. I hit him several times in the face and then proceeded to bash his head into the tile floor until he was quite unconscious, blood coming out from the inside of his ears. I calmly walked away, got changed and left the gym. I never heard a word from the principles.

    A week later he came back to school and he wouldn't even look at me. As a side note, I was and am just a little over five foot, seven. All those years of bullying, being in fights, winning some and losing others, sexual confusion; all of that came pouring out at that one moment.

    Many years later when my wife's health took a dump, back in 2008, a lot of this past came vomiting out from those forgotten memories, and so I wrote my novel. I would play the same music, thought provoking and often depressing, and write about my fictitious family of four, mom, dad and a sister and brother. 180,000 words allowed me to work out a lot of bad memories, failures and pain.

    Each of us must find our own ways to deal with the memories of growing up. I would guess that everyone has something in their past, and that most of us have a lot from the past. It just takes the right catalyst to suddenly bring it all up. Sometimes it's a song on the radio, or maybe someone who looks like someone from the past, or perhaps a show on television. I try to stay busy because it is in the quiet hours that my ghosts show up to haunt me.

  10. #10


    It's always interesting to see what brings people to this site: for some of us it is a place for people to meet and chat about a harmless fetish, for others it can be a place to open up and talk about the past (or present) and share our pain. I think ABDLism has been a strong coping mechanism for many of us who suffered from bullying, familial abuse, or living in isolation from feeling different. There are so many of us who have been damaged or hurt long before we arrived here. I've always said that Adisc members are some of the toughest and most resiliant people in the world, simply by virtue of having survived.

    My life in my younger days was markedly different than what it is today. In school I was frequently beat up, called a fag, laughed at in class, and robbed of my lunch money. Teachers just looked the other way preferring not to get involved. My school days were a nightmare consisting of fear, stress, depression and feelings of inferiority.

    Coming home wasn't any better. I had a father who was abusive and hated me from the time I was born because I wasn't a 'planned' baby. I was often put down, intimidated and humiliated by him, and when I was at the age of six, he forced me into diapers for a bedwetting accident. My attraction to diapers started shortly afterwards, probably before I reached the age of seven. There was no point trying to get help for the bullying in school, because my father didn't care and my parents told me I had to fight back, in spite of all the previous blood, bruises and tears. I was most definitely not a scrapper.

    I've learned that it's impossible to live this kind of life without being permanently affected in some way. As time passed, the threat of violence dissapated, the laughing and taunting stopped, and my father, who was my primary tormentor, passed away a decade ago.

    There are still times, however, when I feel the anxiety in social situations, the stress of meeting people for the first time, worried what they will think of me, that I'm something less than a normal person. These feelings aren't as overwhelming as they were in the past, and I try to remember what causes them. Old demons never go away completely, occasionally coming back to haunt us, but the important thing is that we don't cave into them, that we don't let them overpower us, and that we understand the reasons their existence and have strategies in place to minimize their impact on us.

    I have a particular memory that helps me through the tough days when I still feel alone and different, and I'd like to share the story.

    When I was in high school, I became friends with Brent. His family had just moved to town and he was transferred to my school. We would hang out together, visiting each other, playing games, studying or listening to music. Slowly he withdrew away from me when he realized I was being bullied and harassed by the other students. I guess he didn't want to be seen hanging around a loser or else he feared becoming their next target. I was sad to lose my only friend, but things got worse when he became friends with some of the students who bullied me. Brent joined in with them, laughing when they insulted and intimidated me. The bullying was hard enough, but it was crushing to have my former best friend being a part of it.

    Nearly fifteen years later, I saw Brent at a conference that brought some non-profit groups together for a consultation. I wasn't sure if he recognized me and I kept my distance from him throughout the day, remembering how much he had hurt me in my younger days. At one point during a break, he approached me. I was hesitant to talk to him, and I think he sensed and understood that. He asked if we could go somewhere for a coffee after the conference because there were things he really wanted to tell me. I eventually agreed, partly because of his insistence and partly out of my own curiosity.

    We found a coffee shop and after some platitudes and catching up, he began telling me about how terrible he felt about his treatment of me in high school. He always wanted to find a way to tell me this. He said that he was young at the time and felt isolated and different himself, that he joined in with my tormentors as a way to find acceptance.. He told me about the guilt he experienced for years afterwards and that he never forgave himself for it. He realized he threw away a good friend and treated me horribly just to fit in with the popular crowd who didn't think twice about humiliating or hurting someone for their own amusement. He spent years living with the guilt and wondering what kind of person he was that he couldn't have been stronger. As he told me all this, I could see the tears welling up in his eyes and there was no doubt his remorse was genuine.

    In spite of my previous feelings, all I could do that day was console him. I told him that we can all be capable of cruelty at different times in our life, just as much as we can be capable of kindness. Sometimes the choice to do either is determined by the people around us, how much they influence us, and how we act out of our own need for self-preservation and survival. I told him that he had grown and matured and that he was not the same person that he was back in high school. I gave him what he needed to receive that day: I gave him forgiveness.

    For any of us who have been bullied, abused, or beaten down, we cannot choose what happened to us, we can only choose the road that lies ahead and how we will live our lives. I have known people who were bullied and became angry and bitter. I have known others on the brink of suicide and depression after a lifetime of being bullied. At the same time, I have met survivors of horrendous abuse who are amongst the most sensitive and compassionate people on the earth. I have met people who have experienced abominable despair who have risen up and reclaimed their lives through advocacy and altruism towards those who are vulnerable and exploited.

    None of us should ever have had to endure what we lived through, but, at the end of the day we are survivors, and it is a testament to our courage that we are here and that we can share our experience and our stories. Perhaps that is where healing begins: through acceptance of ourselves, through forgiveness of others, and pulling each other through the difficult times.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 19-Aug-2016 at 02:20.

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