Coming from someone who understands....
I am a bit older than you, but it hasn't been all that long ago when I was in your own shoes, going to college and confused about who I was and the mix of emotions that I was feeling. I was certainly an adult male and parts of me sure relate to that, but know that I am a bit older and perhaps a bit wiser because of the experiences I have had, I understand the more feminine and little girl part of myself and acceptance of that.
Coming from this perspective, I would first of all offer you big hugs :hug:
You are not alone! You are among a lot of people here who care about you and understand at least to some extent or another of what you are going through.
What I offer is a suggestion to not overly concern yourself right now over this. Go with what you are feeling and what seems to be right inside. You need not to be ashamed of who you are and how you feel. You are who you are supposed to be. Don't let doubts and fear cause you to be less than the beautiful person that you are inside.
If I can, I would like to share just a little bit of my past. I remember going to college and feeling so out of place. At times hating myself because I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I remember driving into the valley late at night and seeing the lights of the city and thinking, God, I must not be the only one who feels this way, am I? Of all these lights out there, there has to be others who have this interest? Am I just the only one our here? Can I be accepted? Is there others like me?
KittyninjaW, you are not alone! There are lots of others who share in these thoughts with you!
Trust in what you feel. Trust in the way that you are. You are uniquely unique!! That is pretty damn cool!
Go with what you feel inside. You don't have to settle for one thing or another. You can be all that you want to be. Embrace your little girl side as it is something that is deep within, but if you feel you need to be the masculine male because that is also part of you, or what you feel you need to be to others, that is okay too. You can be both. I have figured that out. I am a cowboy in real life and work in a very masculine environment, but yet I also embrace the little girl that I am too.
It seems a conflict, but it isn't. I am both. I am one and the same. If that is what you feel you need to be, you can be both. Being one does not limit you from being the other. Or if you feel you need to express yourself in just being the little girl, that is okay too. It just needs to be acknowledged within the protocols of society in that you may not actually be able to appear in class in just a frilly dress and a diaper:wub:
You are quite fortunate in that you are going through this in a time that acting upon your feelings is much more accepted that in previous times. Having said that, I realize it still takes extreme courage to do so.
I apologize if I seem at all condescending in my comments. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I have indeed come to an understanding where I used to feel pain and confusion. If I could offer myself when I was your age going to college and confused over the feelings I had back then, I would first of all give myself a huge hug, then offer the explanation I have shared that all is as it is meant to be. Be who you feel you are and all will be okay.
:detective3
TeddyBearCowboy