I have decided since I have no money to get diapers and people have been saying on ADISC that being emotionally dependant on diapers is bad for me, that starting tommorow, I am going to run a 5 day program for myself so I can reverse the triggers of the toilet training I did years ago and the triggers of having an accident.
I will still have the option of buying and using diapers 24/7 if I still what to but at least going to the toilet won't leave me there for half an hour at a time crying over flashbacks. I will let you know after each day how I am doing and do a summary of what I found out. So here's my plan:
Day 1: wear diapers but go to the toilet, praise myself for going in and out quickly, saying to myself "what a good girl you were to go pee/poo in the toilet!" And not scold myself for going in my diaper saying "never mind, perhaps next time you can go into the toilet" the prasing for the toilet use will mean that I am reversing the "you are a big girl now, give up everything that makes you happy and grow up" trigger. The not scolding for going in the diaper will reverse the "you are lazy and you are doing this on purpose" trigger.
Day 2: they will be no wearing diapers in the day time but at night I can wear and use. If I have a accident, I will simply change my pants and bring a change of pants will me to college. I will not scold myself or think twice about it. I will simply, say "never mind, you have some clean pants to get into to, we can try again next time". This will reverse the "you disgusting pig, go to the toilet you dirty girl!" Trigger. At night time if I use the diaper I will say to myself "it's ok, because that's what they are there for, good try next time you might make it, keep up the good work" this will get rid of the "you are not a baby, you are lazy and I sick of changing your diapers" trigger. I will simply change it in the morning and out myself in a clean underwear and say "let's try again tonight shall we?"
Day 3: I will be wearing no diaper at all today, I will be wearing under at night as well. If I have a accident in the morning when I wake up, I will say "never mind, let's change the sheets and get you into some nice clean clothes" this will reverse the "I am sick of chnaging your wet sheets, I regret having you" trigger.
Day 4-5: will be the same, reversing the triggers and acting appropriately replacing the inappropriate triggers and allowing me to be able to sleep peacefully at night with no diapers and not be afraid of accidents.
I will still be using pacifiers and toys.