Basically my money has not come in this week for some reason and I can't get my diapers, my diapers I am sad to say mean everything to me, I can't function without them, just going to the toilet brings back bad memories as the time I was toileting was a very bad experience for me.
I literally feel like I am losing my mind! I am crying, thinking about bad Sinaeos like what if my money never comes and I literally can't function.
I have not been able clean up at all, I hardly ate, I forgot to drink plenty of water, I havn't been doing what I enjoy and I could hardly drag myself out of bed this morning! All this has been because I am nearly out of diapers and I am scared of becoming depressed again. My dad has left me to look for new houses down in another area that he can't come back for a few days! I feel like everybody has disappeared off the face of the earth and left me with the traces of their existence!
Those diapers have been a life support for me! The depression I had for most of my life went because I was wearing and using them! I would be 6 feet under if it wasn't for them. It's a strange way of living I know and it is not a addiction, it's a way of functioning, I cannot pretend to be somebody else that I am not, a adult, I feel like I am wearing a mask, while I can and will do adult things to get by, I cannot use the toilet for trigger reasons that leave me on the toilet for half a hour at a time crying. (No I am not constipated!)
Not wearing diapers reminds me of the freak I am with no personality because my personality is a child not a adult, I just cannot talk about men 24/7, talk about who's shagging who's neighbour dog!, talk about make up and covering yourself in orange paint (spray tan) and clogging up your pores with the stuff and gross things like squeezing pimples, breasts and period, eeewwww! No thank you!
I have been made to feel as low as a dog shoved into a filthy kennel all my life, felt like a creep and unapproachable, I have not been allowed to be happy all my life and all of a sudden I get happiness and then again, the bad luck comes back to throw all of my happiness that I ever had back into my face! I feels like I am not allowed to be happy for once in my miserable life! I have never had friends since I was 9 years old and that was my last ever friendship ever. I am not allowed to have friends with the same interests as me!?
Guess what, I am nice, bubbly and interesting but fate has not allowed me to meet the right people. I can be happy if fate let me! I want to be alive! I am not dirty, freaky or creepy!
Please how can help me to prevent these feeling happening again?