I have found I have several triggers due to my upbringing and past.
First off, the earliest memories were with parents so basically, I have been smacked by both of my parents so it makes me angry every time I see a child get so much as a clip around the ear or a sharp slap on the wrist! I think it's so wrong as its against the law in Sweden so why not anywhere else! I have had dreams either this was a dream or it was reality, I can't remember, my dad and I was standing in the kitchen, my dad was angry and I could see the anger in his eyes. He started to repeatedly slap me from side to side and wouldn't stop, I think this was a dream but I think it kinda got blocked out so I couldn't remember full details. He would always say in real life "do you want a slap!" Or "you are never too old for a slap" or "you little slap!" He still says "nobody is too old for a slap and it's scares me to death!
Slapping behind, my mom was always angry or getting the wrong end of the stick at least. She did do her fair share of slapping. She would always tell me to "go away" or "move" and would shove me out of the way but I later found out that she was diabetic and she didn't want me to see with a low blood sugar and having a low blood sugar meant that she would not think straight and I would see her hypo anyway. She would imitate my autistic noises I made cruely, (I would squeak a lot and grunt). She would always imitate them in my dreams as well. I would get things thrown at me, like my dinner and had a dinner plate smashed over my head at some point. I would get sent outside to eat if I had an accident.
Most of all I got shouted at a lot, weather somebody shouts at me or online I can hear my brothers, my moms and my dads voice through what they are saying and I automatically get triggered and started screaming and crying and it's terrifying as I feel like I am about to get hurt! Even the teacher shouted at me once for not doing my work, I could hear my moms voice through her and in the class in front of everybody, aged 15-16 , I burst into tears and wouldn't stop blubbering until 2 hours later! I have nightmares recently when my mom is in her usual attire of her pink dressing gown and slippers (she used to hit me with her slippers), she would shout at either me or my brother, on the ones when she shouted at my brother, I used to be scared stiff until I woke up with her just about to shout at me, showing her furious face. On the dreams where it was me, she would shout and scream at me for no apparent reason or a trivial reason. I had a really terrofing dream when I was younger and it used to keep occuring, it was where I was in another kids room. Either that or we had moved house in the dream. My dad would basically shout me and I would try to leave the room to see him, but when I tried to move I couldn't, his voice gradually got louder and louder and more angrier, until just before I woke up, I would see his face glowing in anger! Another dream was terrofying, I have a fear of knives because in a dream, my mom would chase me with a knife and try to literally stab me in the back with it and she would try to cut my hair off.
Another thing at home that upset me was when I was a kid and into my princesses and fairies, my mom would hate it and eventually she made her opinion quite clear but made it into something taboo and that I was too old for it (I was around 8-9 at the time) , she said "I am sick of your motherfairy perfect dream world, nobody lives in that world, it does not exist!) I now feel even though i can do this now that it's taboo and wrong.
O.k I had some good memories with my parents growing up as well but I am talking about those as I need to get these memories out as I feel as though I have to, I loved my parents no matter what but they scared me to death. I had a better relationship with my mom as I grew older and matured and just recently my relationship with my dad has improved but I feel scared of him still and I was scared of mom when she was still alive. Me and my mom was close in the last few years of her life but she still swore at me and shouted at me.
About my bedwetting and accidents, I would get shouted at and told that I was being lazy. I got put into bed wetting pants as a child and my parents told my nana that I was in diapers, they even threatened me that they would put a poster up around school saying I wear diapers. They never did. They never let me sit on the couch and they treat me like I was a desease or that I had fleas, my mom would call me a "dirty girl" for something I couldn't control. I had this until I was 11 years old, I had 11 years f being told I was dirty and not being let on the couch, just like a dog! They was one time when I was sick and it was in my bed, they mom came in and told me that she regretted it!
In school, I was bullied from the age of 10 to the age of 16, that had completely shattered my self confidence. I was teased at first because they could tell I was different due to my Asperger's but in high school age 14-16 I was being threatened. I got things thrown at me and I would get poked and prodded and told that I was ugly and that I took drugs (I looked tired because I couldn't sleep because I dreaded school) and that I reminded them of a sloth being lazy and constantly sleepy. Bearing in mind I didn't actually take drugs, I got planted with them once, had a boy constantly come up to me asking to deal with him and being called "crack head" and "pot head". The rumour just kept going around for about 3 years and people actually thought I took drugs even the ones i thought were nice! About the threatening, the first time I got threatened it was because this girl was teasing me and I said " I swear to god I will slap you!", the girl that was her friend thraetened me that she would beat me up in the yard and I spent the whole break time in the toilets, locked in a cubicle! I got dragged once by my backpack straps across the yard and thrown to the floor by a boy who started the "crackhead" jokes. I got threatened by a boy that kept calling me special because I was seeing a councillor about my depression in school and that I was sucking her ass according to him, I had enough and called him a wanker and told him to shut up, he then said " I don't care if you are a girl, if you call me that agin, I will rip you to pieces!" I got called dumb because I never said a word in school, I was scared to because I would come out with the wrong thing, I got teased about my voice because back when I was 11, a boy said my voice was retarded and after that when I said something, they would, imitate what I said in a shrill high pitched way. The even said "you are just as clueless as (my real name)!" When somebody was acting dumb and I was furious! I would have dreams about gangs chasing me and beating me up as well as the "pothead boy", he would find me, pick me up and throw me into the sea for me to drown!
I had toxic teachers as well, especially in the last 2 years, I had a supply or substitute teacher called Mrs bound, she was miserable and bitter as a gone off lemon, she sadly reminded me of mom with her being miserable but she would be sarcastic and once she shouted at me for going into the school hall with my bag, I must of swore at her because she ended up chasing me around the yard ( I was suffering from depression), when she got to me, I went inside with her and she was livid, she wasn't listening to the fact I was depressed and she shouted "name! Full name!" Like I was a prisoner! Also I had a toxic friends called Amy, I finally managed to break friends with her when she started to threaten me and got the supply teacher, another one who was normally nice, the supply teacher literally started to drag me insid eithe building! I stated I didn't want to be her friend anymore, the teacher asked me if I want to be her friend and I said no, she then said "I think the answer you are looking for is yes!" in a harsh tone of voice. I mentioned about the teacher that shouted at me and left me in tears in front of the whole class, she was bitter and she would think I was bad because I couldn't complete my work because I was depressed! I hated her class!
The depression, the black dog, according to winston Churchill, I literally couldn't drag myself out of bed in the morning to go to school and college for a while. I always had it but it was in full blown swing between the ages of 14-17. The depression went like this, it was mild due to not wearing diapers and the way I was treated sometimes by my parents between the ages of 5 to the age of 9, then it progressed deeper to make me sad a bit more often after the age of 9 due to not being able express myself and not be a little kid anymore and the pressures to be grown up and like make up and go through puberty, that then carried on until I was 11, when it got worse and I started hating life because childhood was over and the bullies that teased me were pulling my hair and saying sick jokes to me, I got laughed at a lot and felt like a joke, I started to make up daddies at this point in my head or rather boyfriends at first until I got to age 17 to escape the bad points and that people hated me, then when I was 14, it got bad to a point of wanting to kill myself, I literally could not get out of bed, I scratched myself with my nails and a plastic sharp shard, I couldn't do anything that I enjoyed and dreaded school even more for the reasons listed above. I never felt so dumb and unloved in my life! So much when I had a. Dream about one of Demetors from Harry Potter, my worst vision would be getting teased and getting told "you stupid, stupid girl!" From my mother! It finally ended for me when I was 17 and I got better and got some help and discovered me little side.
Finally, the recent trigger is remembering my moms final moments, she was living in bed as she grew weaker due to pneumonia and kidney failure, screaming in pain and for her mother, that was the last thing I heard my mom say and to see her, my mother lacking so much control and she wouldn't even recognise me! I saw her on her deathbed in peace before I never saw her again. I have flashbacks of looking out of the window as she is lying in bed slowly dying. I have flashbacks or memories of her lying in bed with serious pneumonia in intensive care with a breathing pipe down her throat and her sedated. I have flashbacks of her since she has not seen the light of day for 6 months whilst she had her last hospital visit, I have seen her in the flashbacks whilst looking on at her from the ward, just about to visit her, seeing her waiting in the chair, just waiting there knowing this is the only highlight of her day, I feel like I left her at hospital!
Thank you for reading such a long thread, I need to say this as i can't keep going on like this!.