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Thread: Powerful dread feeling

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    Default Powerful dread feeling

    From time to time I get this feeling of dread like something or someone is out to get me or the few people I love. I've learned it only my loneliness at it's strongest level. It keeps me awake at night. That feeling even blocks out my friend's voice. For those who don't know I have an imaginary friend. She came around in my mid teens when I finally realized how horribly I've been treated over the years. By that point in my life I didn't trust anyone. I've been taking care of myself since I was around 7 or so, and lost my emotions around the same time. I found my feeling again around sixteen. In one week I realized people could be nice and even caring. It started off innocently even. I had just gotten my first job. I was working with my cousin at this random place and would often tag along with him. The girls thought it was cute. (from what I remember)I didn't think much of it because I wasn't use to any kind of positive attention, so I would just go about my day. One day as I was coming to work one of the girls asked for a hug from me. I thought this was weird because again I was never really given hugs or any signs of affection. That night I sobbed for close to 6 hours. I feel overjoyed by a simple hug. It was the one reason I ever enjoyed working from then on. From there I ended up with a crush for one of the other girls working with me. She was cute, kind and very sweet to me. We even shared a lot in common. I enjoyed just working with her. I would help her in any way I could, hoping to prove I was somehow worthy of her. This went on till she quit her job. It wasn't because of me, it was just that she got a better job. I would often still see her at school. I still had hope that I might of gotten to date her. This didn't happen. Instead a couple of my coworkers/upperclassmen demanded I stay away from her. These were guys who were on our football team and out weighted me 3 to one. In high school I had just barely passed five foot tall, so of course I agreed to stay away. It was a couple of nights later my imaginary friend appeared. She's been with me ever since. I don't feel so lone or as hurt with her around. Thankfully my mom has come to realize what was done to me. She apologized and has made an effect to help me through a lot of my emotional distress. I have forgave her. She's my mom after all. Writing this has helped the dread least in effect. This feeling made my heart feel like glass. All I ever want is a hug and a kiss to help make the feeling go away. I'm not a really strong adult. I just want something good to happen just once for me.

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