I was bullied badly from the time I was 10 right up to a couple of years ago. As a result I have become so nervous of coming outside that I can imagine hearing somebody insulting me and sometimes I think I hear it when I don't! I walk down the street inventing responses to any possible slurs that may occur, (they never do). I am on tender hooks everytime I walk past a group of lads or a clique of girls. I have got slurs on the street before but I showed that I was nervous. Since I have put on a brave front, they have stopped. I am still frightened everytime I go out that I am going to get beaten up despite it never happened once, I have had nightmares of being beaten up.
I am scared of meeting a school bully on the street and I remember the slurs at school and it still triggers me.
Like the new zootopia movie, the sloths offend me because I got called a sloth and slow because I was always sleepy due to the fact I hardly got any sleep because I dreaded going to school so much! I get triggered and annoyed because it feels even though it's meant to be funny, I feel like it is laughing at me beyond the school gates!
I got called crackpot and crackhead, not because I took drugs because I DIDN'T, again for the sleepiness factor and maybe my appearance of having bloodshot eyes, bags under my eyes, messy hair due to depression and not taking care of my appearance and I was always frowning. I got offended everytime somebody or a youtuber makes pothead jokes or shout pothead to somebody else because it reminds me of the slur I used to get so much. Just to make things clear, I NEVER took drugs in my life!
What used to annoy me the most, was the fact people called me special and thought I was dumb! I never spoke a word in school so people thought I was deaf and mute, not to mention dumb! The reason I didn't want to talk was because back in my old school, people said my voice was retarded and imitated my voice in a crude way and laughed at what I said. So in the end I just kept my mouth shut and cried a lot. I have average intelligence or even higher but teacher kept putting me down and not letting me achieve my best and assumed I was thick just because I have Asperger's! It doesn't affect my intelligence, it effects my social skills and how I perceive the world, they knew nothing about the syndrome and treated me wrong! The classic example of not training their teachers well enough! Why do people think I am dumb for hardly speaking!?
Anyways can anyone suggest any ways of getting over this anxiety and the hurtful memories or will this just take time before I don't care about what happened anymore? Well I am glad I figure what was behind my social anxiety!