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Thread: I don't know what to think anymore

  1. #1

    Default I don't know what to think anymore

    Since my mom has died, my dad has been saying that my mom was not a nice person, and she has been horrible, she has not really been much of a mother, she has been picking fights with me, dad and my brother, she has smacked me and smashed a plate over my head when I was young, she has teased me and ignored us for days on end, not to mention the nightmares of her ranging from her screaming at me for no reason, to trying to cut my hair off to even trying to kill me and now I am frightened every time somebody is holding a knife!

    On the other hand, she has been nice as well, I remember cuddling her when I was younger, she has hugged me in the late years as well, I knew how to make her laugh as I always showed her funny YouTube videos, we watched programs together, played games and I even made up a few games for me and mom to play together, me and mom did art together, I remember going paragliding with mom, laughing by the pool on vacation, laughing about our crushes, dancing in discos and she always gave good advice. When I was little we used to do sewing together, she made up my bedroom and decorated it for me, she always read stories and did my hair in ponytails, I remember her sewing whilst I was colouring in quite clearly, I remember cuddling with in front of the fire and playing with the cats.

    My dad has said that he always looked after me instead of mom despite her never going to work due to epilepsy, dad always changed my diapers, played with me and bathed me and took me to school and daycare. I can't remember the toddler years well so I can't argue with it nor can I believe that my dad did everything but I do remember my mom walking me to school and helping me with homework. I always went to mom with my school reading books. My moms last moments were that she always was looking forward to seeing me and she loved me spending time with her as the last memories of seeing her conscious was me and mom laughing together.

    My dad has said that he was going to break up with mom and take me with him just before mom got ill with pneumonia and had to go into hospital, (dad was away working at the time) because mom's behaviour was getting out of hand, (the day before she went into hospital, she yelled at me and my brother for using the printer without asking) and she was yelling at me althroughout Christmas and the day before Christmas Eve, I nearly committed suicide until I actually reliesed I didn't actually want to die due to my moms behaviour. My mom never tried to kill me or chop off my hair but she was always complaining that my hair was too long and when I was sick one day all over the bed, she said "I regret it!" And that has stuck with me all throughout my life and that was the first time I learn't what the word "regret" means and I got an example that I wasn't ready for! My nana was concerned about me being bullied and my dad who was on the phone to nana at the time said that my biggest bully was my mother! Nana actually agreed with my dad! My mom tried to kick me out of the house a lot even when she was in hospital!

    On the other hand again, my mom has had life threatening health problems such as type 1 diabetes since she was 2 years old, epelespy which she got when she was a child and later on in life she had celiacs desease where you are allergic to wheat and gluten, hypotrutism, gout where your legs swell with water and kidney disease. Lastly she got pneumonia and she was so many tablets she didn't need and they kept messing around with her tablets so her health conditions kept piling up so much that combined with the pneumonia that she had a few years ago that came back in a worse form recently caused her untimely death. My dad has always stuck by her but he was actually planning on telling her that he was leaving when she came out of hospital. So dad stayed with her and everyone including me, dad and my brother was upset.

    My dad has told me that we are free from her being horrible, being scared about her health or whether she has had a fall or a low blood sugar and that me and my brother futures are not looking after her until she dies. I could never tell my mom I liked toys because she would shout even though me and her discussed ABDLism and she said she would be calm, (I don't think she would, she would think I was mentally ill, send me to phychriatrist, yell at me saying I was sick, shout at me for wasting my money, hit me and throw and destroy my stuff) dad said once I moved out of our old house, our lives would be a lot better but I didn't believe it but he said it was because I didn't know any better.

    I am not sure what to believe but whether I have a bad memory of mom I am trying to think of all the good times I had with my mom which is very little I am afraid! I am also trying to make a poster about me and my moms good memories to remind me. What should I think of my mom? What if I end up hating her and not loving her? That is the last thing I want to think of her.

    Sorry about this thread being really long!

  2. #2


    Hello Angelic.

    As I read the story I am reminded of the Whole memories of my dad. He to was "sick" most of my life up to his death when I was 17.

    I think I told you this before, that as time goes on after the passing it is the good memories that you hold on to and I can actually laugh at some of the other stuff now. Especially when I am reminiscing with my brothers and cousins.

    I am in the situation now that my mother is in her twilight years and her "stuff" is becoming more apparent and it makes a lot of the fights between her and my dad more clear now.

    So the bottom line is that they did give us the greatest gift of all and that is life.
    IT is through them that we learned and developed into the person we are today. After we grow up and start making our own decisions we can look back positively or negatively on the over all out come.

    What we make of it is up to us. I could have dwelled on what and SOB my dad was, or I could look at the good memories and move forward. I can see his faults that I did gain and the path that I made to over come them. Now when I get to a point of being a "raging maniac" at see the "dumb shit my kids do", I can catch myself most of the time and I suddenly understand what dad was so pissed about.

    In example; Having my son offer to help me in the garden and see him use the some what expensive garden tool as a club to beat up the weeds instead of pulling them with it like they are designed to do. I yelled at him to "COME HERE". I saw the "Oh Shit" expression and I melted and realized that I was sounding like my dad that would have read me the "make a sailors blush "version of the riot act. I stopped and took a breath and explained the whole situation to him CALMLY. Then when I finished I looked up to heaven as said "Sorry dad!". My son looked at me and said "Dad, your weird!"

    So as time everyone in your family will tell you these stories and there view of the events. that is a good thing and rom that you will develop the "real version" of the memories and be able to understand the whole person and the effects that illness had on them. That will make the good memories that much more special.

  3. #3


    Egor said it all very well. We become more understanding of our parents when we become parents. Just think of the good moments, and let the bad ones stay in the past.

  4. #4


    Good advise and comments from above. I would trust what your dad told you as being accurate as he was an adult and your dad living through all the very difficult times. You were a child and as children, are vision and memories are often skewed.

    I was fortunate in that I had two parents who loved me and behaved rationally, but they weren't my first parents. They adopted me when I was 2 years old. I'm sure that my attraction to diapers, regression, etc. may have its roots when I was with my birth parents, but who knows. Egor is right in that we have to move on. Like ORBaby said, remember the good and move away from the bad.

    No parent is perfect though it sounds like your mom had a lot of problems. Maybe many of them weren't her fault because her illnesses were changing how her mind thought and processed things. For that very reason, forgive her and remember the good times you had with her. Learn from those memories and let them mold you into being the best person you can be.

  5. #5


    Angelic, I will PM you soon about my experiences with my own Mom.
    My own Mom was a walking medical mess for decades before dropping dead at age 72 in a nursing home in 2008.
    I understand what you have been going through.

  6. #6


    People are complicated, and I have come to believe that nobody is truly good or bad. I am sorry for both your loss and for the traumatic experiences you have endured at the hands of somebody you love. Likely her worst behaviours came from a place of mental illness and show us the same courtesy.

    Making a poster to commemorate the good times sounds like a fabulous idea. Hold on to those happy memories for they are just as valid as the bad ones, but all too easy to forget.

  7. #7


    Medical conditions can cause people to react badly, the stress gets to them. We are human beings and we contain multitudes. Nearly everyone has a dark/angry side that can come out even at something minor that upsets them. I'm a nice guy most of the time but if someone tries messing with me and they aren't joking around I snap, my rage comes out.

  8. #8


    My turn, let me ask you one thing, "Do you truly love your mother?" and also for what she has had done for you? For me myself the real love is a fortress that cannot be broke by attack like bad assumption, for you father who may not understand your mother often considered that anything done by her will harm you, that actually not so, all of this was the impact of assumption including you father, I do not say that your father is not well, actually your parents is good person, just there are no understanding between the two of them, giving rise to the assumption that exaggerated attitude.

    I myself was born of both parents who quite fierce, I was often beaten and yelled for the mistakes, even it was small ways mistakes, but when they are in a good mood state, they will be very nice at all. I know "parents always like that" there are time were they will be get upset and angry because of stress (keep in mind that every people who are stress will be very easy to get upset), otherwise if they are pleased or happy, it would be much good than usual.

    So these are natural for every human being, not just parents, we also would be angry if someone makes a mistakes in us when we are in bad mood, isn't it !? "That's human". So back to my questions: do you truly love your mother ? Are you willing to forget about it only just because the assumption, maybe your father is also good, because I'm sure he meant for you and your brother to not get too sad at the gone of your mother, so he said like that, focused on yourself and do not assume excessive.

    Thank you

  9. #9


    I really love my mother and I should forgive as she is no longer there if I could get rid of th bad memories somehow, she always tried her best and was proud of me no matter what, I pretty sure it was grief talking.

  10. #10


    @Angelic Time will change everything... When my dad died i was realy young and i did something i cant remember but my mom does... and she told me ...
    Our mind can basicly shut down and we wont remember anything but we live on but as always as time goes on things will change and i belive its
    good how it is because when i was young my dad always bought some toy for me when he came from work or somewhere else mostly toy cars and tanks
    because when i was young i loved playing with little plastic soilders and tanks... and he also allowed me when i was young to play commander and conquer Red Alert 2
    it was USK 16 but to be hornest i was not understanding the game i could send people from a to b and send tanks to them and they fighted just awsome...
    and lets face the facts you where able to count the pixels that days... But he made alot of things that would bring him in jail...
    He was a "criminal" we never noticed anything as child only that when he came from work he mostly was sleeping sometimes i slept on him it will never forget the
    feeling when he was sleeping in the armchair feeling and hear him breathing quiet and calming... but we almost changed cars every week and not cheap ones and
    he did things like meeting up with a friend at late night and he had to sit in the car and his friend is driving with full speed in the car so they get money from insurance...
    and the friend of my dad also called my mother laughing and telling her about the stiupid shit they do all was fine but when i was 6 and the last summer before i have to go to school
    we where camping and he wanted to come just for the weekend and was driving with his scooter at night just to see us... he got hit by a truck and the truck driver was not seeing him
    on his bike on the highway and he died... it was the most shocking event in my life... i was sleeping and my mom told my sisters because she dont want to keep it a secret and they cryed
    one of my sisters came to my bad waked me up and the first thing she told me after i opend my eyes was that he is dead...
    Today im over it and i think it was "karma" sounds pretty "dark" if i say it but ... i belive if he would be alive we would have more problems with all the criminal stuff he did and
    who knows what he might told me maybe i would be criminal too... who knows...
    But even then i had to go to way around...and what are u doing on first days in class...right ...tell something about you and your family...and things like draw a picture of your family...
    i still hate school...till today
    The point of telling this story is ... Nobody is perfekt and we all have good and bad times no matter who it is the point is you cant change anything about it and we all need to accept that its
    just a matter of time when our parents die and we need to accept that they get there tranquility the good point about the human brain is...then more time between your memories are then better
    they get its called nostalgia... The best thing is to find your peace with the situation and accept it ...thats live and it could be worse

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