Since my mom has died, my dad has been saying that my mom was not a nice person, and she has been horrible, she has not really been much of a mother, she has been picking fights with me, dad and my brother, she has smacked me and smashed a plate over my head when I was young, she has teased me and ignored us for days on end, not to mention the nightmares of her ranging from her screaming at me for no reason, to trying to cut my hair off to even trying to kill me and now I am frightened every time somebody is holding a knife!
On the other hand, she has been nice as well, I remember cuddling her when I was younger, she has hugged me in the late years as well, I knew how to make her laugh as I always showed her funny YouTube videos, we watched programs together, played games and I even made up a few games for me and mom to play together, me and mom did art together, I remember going paragliding with mom, laughing by the pool on vacation, laughing about our crushes, dancing in discos and she always gave good advice. When I was little we used to do sewing together, she made up my bedroom and decorated it for me, she always read stories and did my hair in ponytails, I remember her sewing whilst I was colouring in quite clearly, I remember cuddling with in front of the fire and playing with the cats.
My dad has said that he always looked after me instead of mom despite her never going to work due to epilepsy, dad always changed my diapers, played with me and bathed me and took me to school and daycare. I can't remember the toddler years well so I can't argue with it nor can I believe that my dad did everything but I do remember my mom walking me to school and helping me with homework. I always went to mom with my school reading books. My moms last moments were that she always was looking forward to seeing me and she loved me spending time with her as the last memories of seeing her conscious was me and mom laughing together.
My dad has said that he was going to break up with mom and take me with him just before mom got ill with pneumonia and had to go into hospital, (dad was away working at the time) because mom's behaviour was getting out of hand, (the day before she went into hospital, she yelled at me and my brother for using the printer without asking) and she was yelling at me althroughout Christmas and the day before Christmas Eve, I nearly committed suicide until I actually reliesed I didn't actually want to die due to my moms behaviour. My mom never tried to kill me or chop off my hair but she was always complaining that my hair was too long and when I was sick one day all over the bed, she said "I regret it!" And that has stuck with me all throughout my life and that was the first time I learn't what the word "regret" means and I got an example that I wasn't ready for! My nana was concerned about me being bullied and my dad who was on the phone to nana at the time said that my biggest bully was my mother! Nana actually agreed with my dad! My mom tried to kick me out of the house a lot even when she was in hospital!
On the other hand again, my mom has had life threatening health problems such as type 1 diabetes since she was 2 years old, epelespy which she got when she was a child and later on in life she had celiacs desease where you are allergic to wheat and gluten, hypotrutism, gout where your legs swell with water and kidney disease. Lastly she got pneumonia and she was so many tablets she didn't need and they kept messing around with her tablets so her health conditions kept piling up so much that combined with the pneumonia that she had a few years ago that came back in a worse form recently caused her untimely death. My dad has always stuck by her but he was actually planning on telling her that he was leaving when she came out of hospital. So dad stayed with her and everyone including me, dad and my brother was upset.
My dad has told me that we are free from her being horrible, being scared about her health or whether she has had a fall or a low blood sugar and that me and my brother futures are not looking after her until she dies. I could never tell my mom I liked toys because she would shout even though me and her discussed ABDLism and she said she would be calm, (I don't think she would, she would think I was mentally ill, send me to phychriatrist, yell at me saying I was sick, shout at me for wasting my money, hit me and throw and destroy my stuff) dad said once I moved out of our old house, our lives would be a lot better but I didn't believe it but he said it was because I didn't know any better.
I am not sure what to believe but whether I have a bad memory of mom I am trying to think of all the good times I had with my mom which is very little I am afraid! I am also trying to make a poster about me and my moms good memories to remind me. What should I think of my mom? What if I end up hating her and not loving her? That is the last thing I want to think of her.
Sorry about this thread being really long!