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Thread: I've decided to give up

  1. #1

    Default I've decided to give up

    There is no point in trying to fake a smile or try to be happy. I'm convinced happiness is just a joke. I can only come to peace with the messed up mentally ill bastard that I am. I'm done with anyone who hates me, dislikes me, or doesn't tolerate me. If you are upset that I hate myself and don't care about myself? That pisses me off. What I think about myself should not affect or effect anyone.

    I sound angry, I sound bitter, I sound... discrouraged... because I am. I need a lot more help than I'm getting. I've pleaded, begged, and screamed for help from others. All I've gotten are cynical remarks, silence, and very very very few positives. I thank all of you for your help, but I give up. Is it a good thing? No. Is it Christian to give up? No. But I am human, flawed. broken, and I just don't see myself ever getting better. Don't you think 20 years is long enough to at least be able to see that I am cared and loved? I guess not. The point is not how long it takes... the point is my brain and my heart are disconnected. My heart is the source of all of my pain and suffering. It must be all my fault that I was abused, bullied, and broken into a weird submissive dominance. I can't lie and say I love myself or care about anything I have to say. I don't believe in myself. I don't trust myself and I really could indeed care less if I was murdered or accidentally killed. At least my suffering would end and I'd be in heaven as per my beliefs that if you are saved you go to Heaven. I'm not saying this to argue a point or say anything other than what I said. I don't blame God for my problems. I blame myself, this fallen decaying world, and my DNA being inclined apparently to be depressed and negative.

    I tried so hard to be positive but it seems like people always have to go for the guy who even seems the slightest bit good about himself. I've been called a narccisist, selfish, and so many things that are false. I know what my problems are but I just don't have a plan for fixing them.

    I hope that maybe someday soon I will be better than I am because right now I am the worst I've been in years.

    Best of luck to everyone here who is depressed, suicidal, has borderline personality disorder, and anxiety, like me. Sorry if I have wasted anyone's time, this will be my last post for a few days, even though I've been gone for a week.

  2. #2

    Default

    You have to start by thinking - not automatically think, but thinking has a purpose. Is it a tough job? Yes! All mental effort is a tough job. Whether to produce rapid change? Probably not change very clearly visible. But you must do it because your mind now tend you to lead to despair and destruction. You must be willing to make the fight against ideas like that.

    If you hesitate to do so, then you should ask yourself whether you really want to change. It may sound strange, but many people who think this is true, it is not strange. Things that did not seem worth it, they hated for what they will face when they are no longer depressed, or they are also loyal to their lifestyle, they are more like the world arounds changing, not themselves.

    Therefore, think. Do you really want to change?
    Remember God will always knows your problem.

    Thanks
    -Max

  3. #3

    Default

    You've voiced your outcries here multiple times. To blame your mental disorders over and over is just your own barriers that you create. You have to build your own bridges to get through your road blocks.

    You've taken the criticism from others and turned it against yourself. People have given you advice and you keep bringing up excuses. There's many avenues for you to take, but you just keep avoiding any turns staying on the same road that you're on.

    If you keep going down the road to nowhere you will get nowhere. If you don't make any plans to fix your problems, they'll never get fixed.

    Apply for government grants, get back in school. Find a trade that interests you and learn. You can also go to Job Corps. You can get your GED and get schooling, and live there for free on campus. They'll feed you, board you and give you an education and you won't owe a thing. Look online for more programs. Opportunities are out there. You have to start the process on your own.

    I'm sorry if I sound mean, but I have problems too. Is not just you. I've battled depression since I was in kindergarten. I've grew up without a father, in a family that is so spread out through the country. I've grown up and I have a lot of the same problems today. I'm getting by, but it's definitely not easy. I feel for you. I really do. I know how much effort it takes. I'm 32 years old. I've had this odd diaper thing all my life. I've been through the highs and lows of depression. I've never been properly diagnosed, bit I'm sure there's a few things not right with me either. I have the hardest times staying with jobs, because I'm always looking for something different. I always feel disgusted with myself. I have the worst organization imaginable.

    I had to learn to put together pieces. It took me awhile, and I assure you it will not happen overnight nor will it be a straight road. I'm still taking advances in life, getting knocked backwards, walls still appear out of nowhere. I still claw my way to places. We all, still, will ensure hurdles in the future. We all float on someway or another.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by MaxToddler View Post
    You have to start by thinking - not automatically think, but thinking has a purpose. Is it a tough job? Yes! All mental effort is a tough job. Whether to produce rapid change? Probably not change very clearly visible. But you must do it because your mind now tend you to lead to despair and destruction. You must be willing to make the fight against ideas like that.

    If you hesitate to do so, then you should ask yourself whether you really want to change. It may sound strange, but many people who think this is true, it is not strange. Things that did not seem worth it, they hated for what they will face when they are no longer depressed, or they are also loyal to their lifestyle, they are more like the world arounds changing, not themselves.

    Therefore, think. Do you really want to change?
    Remember God will always knows your problem.

    Thanks
    -Max
    I really do want to change... to actually listen to those who offer good advice. I really think I can prosper if people understand me more and stop saying I make excuses. All I am trying to acomplish by making the posts that I do is to figure myself out with the help of others. I know that I can fight against the thoughts I have, I do my best to do so, but people only seem to point out my flaws. You're different in the way that you offer advice that makes sense, without the social commentary on how you think about me. It's a refreshing change of pace from, "You just make excuses!" "You only talk about yourself!" which neither is true. I'm just frustrated and don't have a lot of outlets. Hence why 'metal man' is on my ignore list is because he's full of himself and has issues too so he just can't seem to leave well enough alone. I know that all too well because I don't leave things alone either.

  5. #5

    Default

    Do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist? I ask because you said you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that can be very destructive. I think it's really essential that you find professional help if you haven't already. I say this because I suffered from this in college and eventually had to get some help. Some of it came from friends, but I also really suffered a lot of internal, emotional pain. There are some things we can't handle ourselves.

    Remember that life is all about give and take. To have friends, we have to treat them with love. I learned to put a mental filter to the things I was about to say to them. My mind goes 100 miles an hour all the time. The gears are always churning. I realized that most people didn't want to hear what I was thinking, so I started to do a lot more listening than talking. Maybe that will help.

  6. #6

    Default

    Even though you've ignored me... I will continue giving you advice...
    If you come and make a rant and criticize me for offering advice, telling you your weaknesses, how to improve, relating to you. I've traveled a very similar road to you. Being able to conquer your weaknesses is what you need to get through to improve yourself.

    I know if I were to go get help I would be diagnosed with a few disorders. Especially with depression. Depression is fucking tough to go through day in and day out. I struggle with it to this day. I was once just like you. I felt lost and hopeless. It gotten to the point to where bad things would happen and I would just not be surprised by it. It wouldn't really effect me because it seemed to happen to me all the time. I would just lay back and take whatever and do me.

    I actually do want to help you, I do care about you, and I know exactly how depression works. Depression helped me become homeless for 2 years. It wasn't until this happened that I learned nothing was going to happen for me. I knew I was going to be some person living on the streets.

    Dogboy, that also sounds like me. My mind rolls on and on and I never have a regular sleep schedule because of it. I think about little things most people wouldn't care to. That or just think up something made up in my mind.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist? I ask because you said you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and that can be very destructive. I think it's really essential that you find professional help if you haven't already. I say this because I suffered from this in college and eventually had to get some help. Some of it came from friends, but I also really suffered a lot of internal, emotional pain. There are some things we can't handle ourselves.

    Remember that life is all about give and take. To have friends, we have to treat them with love. I learned to put a mental filter to the things I was about to say to them. My mind goes 100 miles an hour all the time. The gears are always churning. I realized that most people didn't want to hear what I was thinking, so I started to do a lot more listening than talking. Maybe that will help.
    I have a therapist that diagnosed me. I've already started to listen more and talk less except when I need to vent... that's when I have just too much to say.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I have a therapist that diagnosed me. I've already started to listen more and talk less except when I need to vent... that's when I have just too much to say.
    I think you're on the right track then. Just hang in there and take one day at a time. I've come a long, long way since my college days. It got a lot better for me and I think it will for you. I and others on this site will always be here for you so don't shy away from venting here. That's a big reason we are here on this wonderful site that Moo runs.

    I've found that even on the worst of days, there are some things to be thankful for. I hope you can find some of those things. My wife and I spent 12 hours yesterday going from the dialysis clinic to the hospital and back to the dialysis clinic. I'm frazzled and worn out but there are still things I'm very thankful for. For one, my wife can continue to dialyze. I have good friends and support within my church. Finally, and this is the biggest, I do think a high power looks out for us, even when we're completely unaware. For that very reason, I believe that things will eventually get better. Hugs.

  9. #9

    Default

    Are you currently in DBT? It is supposed to be the most effective treatment for BPD and suicidal ideation.

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