There is no point in trying to fake a smile or try to be happy. I'm convinced happiness is just a joke. I can only come to peace with the messed up mentally ill bastard that I am. I'm done with anyone who hates me, dislikes me, or doesn't tolerate me. If you are upset that I hate myself and don't care about myself? That pisses me off. What I think about myself should not affect or effect anyone.
I sound angry, I sound bitter, I sound... discrouraged... because I am. I need a lot more help than I'm getting. I've pleaded, begged, and screamed for help from others. All I've gotten are cynical remarks, silence, and very very very few positives. I thank all of you for your help, but I give up. Is it a good thing? No. Is it Christian to give up? No. But I am human, flawed. broken, and I just don't see myself ever getting better. Don't you think 20 years is long enough to at least be able to see that I am cared and loved? I guess not. The point is not how long it takes... the point is my brain and my heart are disconnected. My heart is the source of all of my pain and suffering. It must be all my fault that I was abused, bullied, and broken into a weird submissive dominance. I can't lie and say I love myself or care about anything I have to say. I don't believe in myself. I don't trust myself and I really could indeed care less if I was murdered or accidentally killed. At least my suffering would end and I'd be in heaven as per my beliefs that if you are saved you go to Heaven. I'm not saying this to argue a point or say anything other than what I said. I don't blame God for my problems. I blame myself, this fallen decaying world, and my DNA being inclined apparently to be depressed and negative.
I tried so hard to be positive but it seems like people always have to go for the guy who even seems the slightest bit good about himself. I've been called a narccisist, selfish, and so many things that are false. I know what my problems are but I just don't have a plan for fixing them.
I hope that maybe someday soon I will be better than I am because right now I am the worst I've been in years.
Best of luck to everyone here who is depressed, suicidal, has borderline personality disorder, and anxiety, like me. Sorry if I have wasted anyone's time, this will be my last post for a few days, even though I've been gone for a week.