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Thread: I still feel bad about being gay.

  1. #1

    Unhappy I still feel bad about being gay.

    Although I've accepted that I'm trans. I feel absolutely guilty / terrible for being gay.

    I've got not clue why I feel shame for liking men, It's normal and same sex attraction is natural. but a part of me feels a lot of guilt for it.

    I think it's to do with society and how everyone seems to hate gays and I just feel bad because I'm not "normal" in the societies eye. but the odd thing about it, since I'm trans, and like men. I'm straight. but at the same time I feel absolutely terrible and guilty for liking men .

    It's so confusing. I hate that I like men, I can't help that I'm into men.. but I feel so bad.

    This is kinda the only part I can't accept yet, why is this? I've got no clue where this guilt stems from. I'm not religious or anything I don't see anything wrong with it, but I feel sad and feel like a bad person for being gay.

  2. #2


    Excuse me for beeing blunt (kinda influenced by alcohol. )
    Dafuck.. Love is love. man + woman, woman + woman, woman + man, man + man. Trans or not.. Who cares what gender... Love is love, attraction is attraction. It's biological.

    That said.
    Society, tradition and religion all tries to decide what is normal. Guess what. They are all wrong.
    Any feelings against sexual attraction is tought/brainwashing. There are some obvious exceptions to this like involuntary and illegal actions.

    What I am trying to say is simple.
    Why feel guitly / terrible for beeing gay what that is a natural biological behaviour. Your body, brain and genetics combined is telling you that you are gay. What you are tought / brainwashed / socially is telling you otherways, read above of my opinion of that.

    Just find a good parter, love and charish him or her, and screw the opinions of the rest of the world

  3. #3


    I can definitely relate to this. I am also a trans girl and I am attracted to men, and identified as gay for two years. Even after accepting that I like men, I felt guilty about it for over a year, and some of it still lingers. It certainly helps to fixate on the thought that there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking men. Internalised homophobia can certainly come out in that way. Even petty jabs at gay people you ma have heard when you were younger may still subconsciously resonate with you.

  4. #4


    Did you grow up in a homophobic environment? I know most schools can be very toxic environments for kids who are growing up queer. You hear lots of homophobic slang and denegration of being gay. The internet (in general) is even worse, with insecure males spewing all kinds of hatered for anybody who is different from the norm.

    I suppose it is kind of ironic that you feel more shame about liking men than being trans, seeing as how homosexuality is generally more accepted than gender variance. Also; it's interesting that you consider yourself to be gay since being a woman who likes men would make you strait. Perhaps your discomfort has to do with being seen as a male in an intimate relationship? I know I didn't have any relationships until I started presenting as female in public.

    It's also ironic because I hear many trans women who have the opposite "problem". They identify as women, but are also attracted to other women. For many this creates a sense of doubt in their identity, or at least opens them up to criticism for not conforming to a steriotypically female script. On the other hand, the heterosexual trans women I know hardly even see themselves as part of the queer community because there is nothing queer about being a woman who is attracted to men.

    For the record, I am a panromantic assexual, so I've had all sorts of complicated emotions surrounding my own sexuality. But shame does nobody any good. It's fine to be attracted to whoever you like, so long as they can consent.

    p.s. Didn't you used to be a DrunkBunny? When did you become a bear?

  5. #5


    Sounds like you are dealing with a bit of internalized homophobia.
    I got over it years ago.

  6. #6


    Things will work themselves out in time.

    We all feel things that don't match up with our psyche. Sometimes we ebb and flow and sometimes we are simply adaptive to our current direction in interest. What we feel internally is not definitively based upon social definition.

    There is no need to rush to definition (those are only societal). Sometimes definition and clarity come from arbitrary circumstance or convoluted experiences.

    I guess what I am trying to say is: Sexuality and personal identity do not always sync up at the right time. At times we may feel fluid (curious) and other times we may feel more directional or concrete in our sexuality.

    I would not put too much worry into what perceptions may hinder you.

    We can only be who we are today.

  7. #7


    As a gay person myself, I can say it took a long time to accept myself. I grew up in a time where there was no internet, no support services, and in an environment where being gay was not something you talked about due to the very real risk of violence, loss of employment or harassment. Things have certainly gotten better, but Orlando reminds us that we are still far from a perfect world.

    It was difficult for me just growing up gay, so I can only image how challenging it must be to identify as transgender. First you have to work through and resolve the transgender issue, and then you have to go through the process of understanding and accepting your sexual orientation. These are complex matters for anyone, let alone a very young person. You have already come a long way in resolving the sexual identity which means you can now focus on the orientation. That in itself is a huge achievement, demonstrating strength and resilience.

    I spent a lot of my younger years living in shame because of my own self-hatred for being gay, and living in a time where gays were still ridiculed and beat up. I spent a lot of years alone and it's not a healthy way to live out your life. What I eventually learned in later years is that being gay is only one aspect of my personality. I am an advocate, a long distance runner, a music lover, a brother and someone who genuinely cares about other people. I've learned that people who know you and care about you won't judge you simply because of who you choose to love.

    I'm fortunate to live in a country where same-sex marriages were legalized eleven years ago and the environment is not hostile towards the LGBT population. There are still new laws and court decisions coming down in our favour. Here in Ontario, the government has just announced gender-neutral driver's licences and health cards. In 2017, drivers will be able to select X instead of M for male or F for female if they wish to identify as transgender. Our province has also started issuing health cards that no longer display information about a person's sex on the front of the card.

    A decision from Ontario's highest court last week ruled that a Christian university discriminated against gays and lesbians by forcing its students to sign a 'community covenant' in which they agreed to 'abide by Christian values and abstain from sex outside marriage,' which they then defined as strictly a commitment between a man and a woman. The court ruled that freedom of religion does not allow freedom to discriminate.

    In spite of the laws that move our society forward, however, there is still a history of homophobia and discrimination which affects our own self-esteem to this day. The media tends to focus on the negative and the sensational stories like the tragedy in Orlando or the asinine bathroom laws passed in North Carolina. Although we are winning the majority of the external battles, we are still often fighting our own internal conflicts. It's not unusual considering the political climate and the media. The best you can do is take the time to sort through your feelings, and eventually you will see that you are a person of significant worth with unique insight and valuable experiences to share. You're at a young age and it can take time to determine where you fit in on the sexual continuum, wherever that may be. There's no rush. It's also important to keep in mind that our sexuality is not something that is 'set in stone' and can shift over time. Just think of the number of people who are bisexual or people who were happily married only to discover their attraction to the other sex much later in life. Just be who you are today and don't get fixed on labels.

    Your profile indicates you're from Australia. There do appear to be a lot of support services for the transgender community located there. I'm sure you're aware of them, but I'm wondering if you've had any professional counselling to deal with it. Again, these are very complex issues and a trained, supportive professional may be better positioned to give you proper information and advice.

    Counselling South

    The Gender Centre

    Gender Identity Australia

    Australian Transgender Support Association of Queensland
    Last edited by Starrunner; 03-Jul-2016 at 18:07.

  8. #8


    I feel like worst part about binary genders is that somebody will always feel just like you.

    To open up my comment bit we have to go little deeper. We nowadays agree to fact that gender is not binary and everybody has own personal identity of ones gender. So if we agree there are other genders than just male and female why we still insist having sexual orientations for same sex and different sex? Thinking from the point of multitude of genders calling one gay seems like absurd joke, didn't we just accept that gender isn't binary but rather a scale.
    Of course I'm not saying that one can't identify as a gay, you have total rights for it in case that is what you want, just stating my personal thoughts.

    All in all you shouldn't be ashamed of loving somebody you love. Everyone is different, you're in love with the person - not the gender. I understand the problem with you being tg, you might think that you're lying to the person because you are not "real male" - if that's the case I have to state the obvious. You are real male, you've felt like real male and finally you are who you are, if something you would be lying to people if you still were female. And if somebody thinks otherwise I suggest you tell that person fuck off unless that person has really good point to make (which I doubt)

  9. #9


    Why should you feel bad when love is love anyway, whether it's between 2 women, 2 men or 1 man and 1 woman. It's was bad for some when there was the time where there was no internet or support groups. Do not feel bad or try to change the way you are because put it as bluntly as possible, no-body is perfect. I am bi myself and the most that had happened to me was being laughed at for being presumingly lesbian. Take no notice of hater because the moment you do, the moment they win. Stay strong and stop feeling guilty for goodness sake. There is no REAL reason to.

  10. #10


    I know it doesn't actually change the thing, but I certainly hope you don't think of yourself as a man. You're not. You're not gay.

    I know that the world might see you as such, and that the doubts and worries and troubles associated with it are still very real. Just know you're not alone. It can be really hard to feel like there is something about you that people will just reject, and not understanding. There are lots of people out there and the fact that you do nearly anything will have that same effect.

    I hope you find some people who could help you feel accepted in this way, and help you feel a little less scared of rejection as well. The type of person you want to share your heart with is precious, and you shouldn't have to feel ashamed of it.

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