I know that I am not worthless but I know some people do not care about me or value me. I'm okay with that, I just need the ones that do care to be more active in my life because I honestly am tired of doing everything myself and my life alone. I'm single again and that's fine. I'm sure when I get everything figured out further than I have, I'll find the right someone. I have friends but they don't understand just how much I value them. If I lost a friend it would hurt like my arm was severed from my shoulder. They care about me but I don't think they understand that I would die for them and I don't say that just to say it. I would take a bullet for them. I cannot stand to see others in pain alone because that was me before I made friends at 18... sure I have the people I grew up with, but some moved away. Some stopped being my friend, some just faded away from me, and some I lost contact.
I realise how blessed I am to have such a great amount of support but I am a self sabetour and when I succeed, I cut myself off at the root. I have no future. You can tell me I do, but honestly, what does a 20 year old with no high school diploma, on probation, no license, no job and never had one, have to do to succeed. People think I'm just so strong and so great but I've never been more in pieces. My ducks aren't in a row, they all have been murdered by the system that is a big failure. Sure it works for some, but it clearly isn't working for me.
As a Christian I see that my life has meaning and purpose but my human nature tells me this is all pointless to try. I probably will never have a job because I have given up. Is it a good Christian attitude to have? No. I just don't know how to fix myself and people have continually let me down while also telling me they will always be there. Only God has been there for me and I can trust him. Whether you're Christian or not isn't the issue. All I want from non-Christians and those of other faiths, is just respect that I don't appreciate Jesus' name being taken in vain. Ironically it's mostly done by so called Christians that I know. I know I need Jesus because I've looked around, I've seen other religions and 'non' religion and they held no answers for me.
Before you go and try to reply to the prior paragraph, I didn't post it to be up for debate, I posted it because it's what is on my mind. Please do not try to start an arguement because I will probably be more hurt than helped. I am a damaged individual but at least I recognise my issues. It's been far too much pain caused by arguments and debates to ever do it again. That's probably what contributed to my panic attack. I do not have all the answers but I'm learning day by day. My main issue as a person is that I cut my own wings off and try to fly so that I fall and no one can tell me I could have flown. Side note I did want to get my pilots license but that like most things in my life, probably will not happen. Depression has crippled my interest in things I love... the last remaining things I love are rollerblading, exercise, helping others, v idoe games, some people, God, and photography. Art is dead to me but I don't want it to be. My dreams and hopes are so brittle it's kind of sad.
Someone once said to me, "You just really want to be happy but it seems like you don't know how." I believe they are correct. It's hard to fix genetic AND caused by situations, depression. If I have ever been mean or rude to you, I apologise as I'm still learning how to come across better to others. If you read my past posts you will notice a difference in how I talk and what words I use. I am changing and I hope it is for the better.
All the best, thank you.
Adam, an endlessly interesting character (as my father put it).