This might just be a late night, sleep deprived post, but I've been feeling pretty crappy for many years now for just one thing.
It hit me a few months back, that I'm 30 (that's not old, but it's getting there) and I've never even had my first kiss, girlfriend or any girl-whatever.
When I was younger, leaving high school, I had a life plan already thought up. Get married, have kids, teach them and watch them grow up, and my wife and I get old. But nothing but pain/annoyance has shown itself to me.
Losing my job by a lay off, getting discharged from the military due to medical reasons, just all around what I guess would be depression due to all the stuff above, I just feel like I can't/won't have anything.
I know people say there is always someone out there for a person, but I just don't think I can believe that now.
I feel like I'm a teenager/early 20's male and always looking for a younger female to my current age + 3 (of course of legal age, 18+). I guess this is due to me never having a girlfriend. I don't know. (This isn't taking my DL/Little side in discussion)
Then throw in that I'm a DL, and of course we all know they are far in-between each other, and if we aren't we usually don't make it known. Most people frowns or just freaks the F out if you were to be found out (or tell them) that you like wearing diapers.
Where is that special someone come from? I know that there is *someone* out there for me, but I don't want to be a person who goes through his entire life without ever finding someone to love, never starting a family. I want kids, I want to be able to play with them, teach them, do things with them, that I can do now. I don't want to be 40, 50 or whatever and possibly finally have a kid, but then not be able to do anything, without the possibility hurting myself (back, hernia, etc.)
I'm 30, had to have all my teeth pulled, can't find a job in this crappy town or surrounding towns/cities, I feel like a total depressive train wreck loser.
I'll say this, I hate bars, dislike drinking alcohol (except on rare occasions), don't like going to parties, scared to death to talk to females since a lot of them (around here at least) look older but are underage (learned this from a regular customer when I worked at a gas station job, nothing bad happened, but still.)
Maybe I'm just overthinking things again like normal. Maybe I'm destined to be forever alone and without children. I'd love to have a boy and girl child.
I would adopt, but LOL I'm a white male, adoption agencies/government would never allow it and if they did it would be stupidly expensive and take 2 or 3 times the length as a married couple.
I'm just so tired of everything going wrong in my life.
Am I thinking on this too much or what?
And if anyone says get a hooker, I'll virtually punch you in the face
I think I'm going to go to bed, hug my teddy bear and hopefully get some sleep tonight.