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Thread: Confession to make

  1. #1

    Exclamation Confession to make

    So I have no idea why, but I have tried to keep this a secret from this forum. I am in the military and am what most would say very successful. The problem that I am currently having is that I just recently returned from another deployment, but this time we lost a guy (that I kinda knew) and a couple other guys were severely injured (that I really knew).

    I have no idea why, but this time around I feel really guilty that I am a diaper lover. I know that this time is different because of the injuries/ death, but why does this make me feel different when it comes to diapers?

    Unfortunately I don't even know what to ask on this forum, but I am hoping that even bringing it up will help me. I have been struggling with this for the last few months and have unfortunately turned to alcohol......

    If you have been in this situation you probably understand me when I say that I love being deployed. I know this is crazy because it does cause severe distress on my wife and myself, but I am looking forward to the next deployment.

    I am so sorry that in this post there isn't even a question, but I don't know what to ask. If anyone has experience with a situation like this at all I would greatly appreciate what you found helpful. If you don't want to post a message to the public, you can always PM me, or email me [email protected]. I have had a physiologist, but did not like them just as an FYI.

  2. #2


    Hi derepaid. Thank you for your service. I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your friends out there, and even more so to hear that the pain of what you've gone through is affecting your own pleasures and making you feel guilty about being a diaper lover.

    Being in the military isn't an experience I've had, but I have worked with some people who have experienced trauma of various kinds before. I'm no expert though, just a friend over the Internet that hopes to offer some advice, for whatever it might be worth.

    On that note, the first thing I want to say is that the guilt you're feeling is okay. You don't need to feel it, you don't bear any fault for what happened to those guys out there and they wouldn't want you hurting on their account. But it's still natural to feel it. It's common enough to have a name, in Survivor's Guilt. I think it might affect you for anything pleasurable, it's not something that's unique to diapers at all, and lots of other folks have experienced it. Be patient and be willing to talk about it, either here or elsewhere. Alcohol in reasonable quantities can be a way to let go of your troubles for a little while, but turning to it because you can't face your problems won't solve them and will just create new ones. You're a soldier, and this is a different kind of pain that you need to work your way through.

    As for diapers, they're something you enjoy that's unusual and the connotations around diapers are being little, weak, soft, and safe. That's a pretty big contrast with what happened out on deployment and I don't see it as all that surprising that with death and injury so close on your mind, it would be hard to get into such a contrasting headspace without feeling some jarring effects. That's okay though, it really is. And people are complex. You can grieve now and enjoy things later. You can grieve now and enjoy things now, too. The best way I've heard it put is this: the fact that someone died or that somebody got hurt doesn't mean you have to stop liking pizza. You can grieve and like pizza at the same time. That goes for diapers too.

    Lastly, let me say this. Be patient, but be active. Time heals all wounds, but only if you work to heal them and take action to deal with the things that have happened. If you drink to forget, you'll sober up and remember and that won't solve the problem no matter how long you wait. But if you talk about it, try to understand it, and seek help when you need it, then things will get better. Feel free to PM me anytime on ADISC if you want to talk, about anything. I'll usually get it within 24 hours or less.

  3. #3


    Hi Derepaid.
    I have so much respect for military, both serving and non serving, so thanks for what you do.
    I can't comprehend what it must be like, as I've never done it myself. Plus, I've never been in the situation of being the "survivor " whilst losing friends or colleagues.
    But when I was being treated for depression, I was explaining to my doctor how everything I did was making me feel guilty or angry. If I felt angry, I'd feel guilty because of it, or I'd feel guilty because I felt angry all the time.

    The one thing he told me that really stuck, is this.

    "Guilt is a complete waste of time if it is unjustified. Feeling guilty does not and cannot change what has happened. There is absolutely no benefit to dwelling over things that can't be changed. The only way to feel better is to accept it, let go, and move forward. This is particularly important for unjustified guilt over things that you cannot control."

    Easier said than done of course, but it's true. If tragedy strikes, worrying afterwards about what you could/should have done differently is meaningless. All you can do as a person is learn, and move on.

    Good luck.

  4. #4


    Despite your like for diapers, the environment that you go through will be an emotional Rollercoaster. I can understand that diapers just add on to it. The diapers feel out of place. I would say to seek help for the PTSD before you take another tour. You don't want your emotions to get the best of you. Maybe talk to your wife and see if she's not hiding her true feeling. Is this right for your family as a whole? I know of a few people who went on tours, but they were never the same person after that.

  5. #5


    I've gone through this but with my wife's declining health. Every time an emergency would arise, and one involved her having her right leg amputated below the knee, I felt very guilty. I felt like I was bargaining with God, that if I didn't like wearing diapers, He'd show some kind of mercy, but rationally, I knew things just don't work that way. Sadly, bad things happen to good people.

    Like ArchieRoni and others have said, time helps heal these kinds of wounds. You don't have to force yourself to wear diapers or even like them. Time will take care of that, and eventually you'll be back, so to speak. Take it at your own speed and just live each day, one day at a time. That's what I now do, one day at a time, and I'm thankful and grateful for the good days.

  6. #6


    I was three years in green. Lost time, in part. I haven't been ever in war mission, but nothing happens. I've seen death, because industrial/traffic accidents. But who jumps out the norms, is who's playing his life.

    First time is hard, but never liked it. I can try to help, but when death works, so there's nothing to do. And it has nothing to do with my DL.

  7. #7


    Losing friends is rough just seek help thru the VA and do what you need to do. Diapers have nothing to do with what you're going thru. I use diapers to deal with my PTSD, it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about but keep it a secret from anyone you can't completely trust. I would love to give you a hug brother. Being deployed is nuts, but the adrenaline is addictive.

  8. #8


    If the psychologist didn't help I would suggest talking to other combat vets, they know how you feel. That's what helps me the most, just talking with others who have seen the same insanity could help you also.

  9. #9


    derepaid, I have not been in the military. I was there when my wife passed away. In some ways I have suffered survivors guilt and a bit post traumatic stress disorder from that event. I am only now moving on from there.

    I was never much of a drinker, I couldn't because I got horrible hangovers from it. Well I did end up drinking a bit during the first 6-8 months after. I paid for it in pain, the hangovers. It was when I again went back to diapers and my little side that I started to let the drinking go. For me it was a bit different since my wife had denied me my little side by making me choose between her or it. I will never regret the choice I made. Embracing my little side allowed me to start the healing of the hole in my heart that my wife's death left.

    Do not be hard on yourself. You are grieving in some way. Grieving takes time. Try to redirect you desire to drink with another action if you can. You are in a different situation than I was in as I was (and still am alone) when I drank. You are in a situation where others are affected by your drinking, that will cause additional stress for the others and yourself. The advice to seek counseling is a good one if you cannot find your own way out of the situation. It does not mean you are weak, it means you need guidance to heal yourself.

    I wish you the best in finding peace in your heart on this matter.

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