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Thread: Who's right or wrong?

  1. #1

    Default Who's right or wrong?

    So my family is very splintered right now after my brother was arrested for setting his ex-fiances house on fire, at the time he was living with my sister and her fiance.

    Since he was arrested my sister and her partner seem to be playing the victim role, they feel used and taken advantage of, and are happy to see all the punishment handed at him that anyone could throw.

    Meanwhile my mom is doing what I guess a mother should do and supporting him through this, she had him bailed to her house, but was struggling financially with the extra person, and everytime she would post on FB about her struggling my sister was would start arguing with her about how it is all my brothers fault and she didn't have to bail him there.

    While on a third front his ex partner, mother of my nephew, the one whose house he set on fire has been really mature about the whole thing, there are days I think she hates him, but most of the time just hates what has happened and think it all is a really sad situation but mom will post things on facebook with the implication that my nephews mother will turn him against his dad, I know this won't happen, she has stated numerous times that when he is old enough (he's not even a year old) He will know who his dad is, and it will be up to him whether or not he wants anything to do with him. So then her and my mom will start arguing.

    And today he was in court, pleaded guilty and was remanded in custody until sentencing, Mom was heartbroken, His exe was upset and my sister puts on Facebook, feeling relieved.

    As for me, I don't feel a thing eitherway, He stood by my side when I went through the system, and I will return the favor, but emotionally and this is quite a normal thing I feel absolutely nothing, no hate, anger disappointment, sadness, relief, happiness no nothing. and I try not to get involved in this drama because I don't particularly care... I know it sounds heartless to me to, this whole thing is like a passing fancy and then I'll move onto something new.

    But I do feel that My sister and her partner are well out of line, yes he broke your trust boohoo get over you don't need to be such douches about it.

    Mom, yes your struggling to pay for an extra person, but really this whole it's his ex who caused all these problems and is going to turn their son against his dad is like sit down and shut up about things you know nothing.

    Is my sister and her partner wrong, is my mom wrong, is his ex wrong am I wrong?

  2. #2

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    All I can say is yikes! While I'm not a big fan of overplaying the drama, arson is pretty serious. I'd have a tough tiime getting past it.

  3. #3

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    Hi, Alex,
    Your brother's ex seems to have a pretty balanced outlook. She seems to be more concerned about your nephew and how this will affect his upbringing. He's lucky to have a supportive family to take care of him. Your mother is doing what most mothers would do; standing by her son and seeing the good in him even during this terrible tragedy. At least he's got someone standing behind him. The fact that he's pleaded guilty is a good thing. It'll spare everyone the ordeal and stress of going through a trial. I imagine at sentencing, they'll focus on what caused the behaviour, including mental health, home life, etc. I'm curious, you discussed everyone's perspective except his. How does he feel about this? Has he had previous conflict with the law? Does he have any insight into his behaviour? Has he demonstrated any remorse? This will all have an impact on sentencing.

    As for you, my friend, just take care of yourself. Something like this would be a shock to any family, and you can't help but feel how you feel. It's good of you to return the favour and support him through the ordeal, although I'd hazard to say, without details, there were certainly much different circumstances in your case. If your relationship with him wasn't particularly close in the past and you don't feel he has any insight into what he's done, it can be hard to be supportive. Families are like that sometimes. When my father died, there were a lot of tears and sadness in my family, but I didn't feel a damn thing. Don't judge yourself over it. You have some major things going on in your own life and you need to put yourself first right now. Take care of the ones you do have feelings for, like your nephew, and give whatever support you can.

    Hugs, friend.
    Last edited by Starrunner; 24-May-2016 at 13:47.

  4. #4
    MarchinBunny

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    From my perspective, I think someone committing arson is a pretty big deal and can understand why it would take some people some time to get passed it. If someone lit my house on fire, I would be pretty pissed XD. Reminds me of that episode on House where he drives through Cuddy's home.

  5. #5

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    All the reactions you describe make sense to me under the circumstances. People can and do respond differently to adverse situations and these are in line. The only one on the edge I see is your sister and only in relation to your mom. I think it makes sense for her to make the argument to your mother that it's all his fault but she needs to let that go after having done so. I can't argue with her own decision to blame him any more than your mother's to stand by him. You guys are going through a rough time and I wish you the best under the circumstances.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starrunner View Post
    Hi, Alex,
    Your brother's ex seems to have a pretty balanced outlook. She seems to be more concerned about your nephew and how this will affect his upbringing. He's lucky to have a supportive family to take care of him. Your mother is doing what most mothers would do; standing by her son and seeing the good in him even during this terrible tragedy. At least he's got someone standing behind him. The fact that he's pleaded guilty is a good thing. It'll spare everyone the ordeal and stress of going through a trial. I imagine at sentencing, they'll focus on what caused the behaviour, including mental health, home life, etc. I'm curious, you discussed everyone's perspective except his. How does he feel about this? Has he had previous conflict with the law? Does he have any insight into his behaviour? Has he demonstrated any remorse? This will all have an impact on sentencing.

    As for you, my friend, just take care of yourself. Something like this would be a shock to any family, and you can't help but feel how you feel. It's good of you to return the favour and support him through the ordeal, although I'd hazard to say, without details, there were certainly much different circumstances in your case. If your relationship with him wasn't particularly close in the past and you don't feel he has any insight into what he's done, it can be hard to be supportive. Families are like that sometimes. When my father died, there were a lot of tears and sadness in my family, but I didn't feel a damn thing. Don't judge yourself over it. You have some major things going on in your own life and you need to put yourself first right now. Take care of the ones you do have feelings for, like your nephew, and give whatever support you can.

    Hugs, friend.
    His perspective is tough to read, one because he puts on this tough guy exterior, and two I am really really really bad at recognizing and appropriately dealing with emotions.... is emotion blindness, or would it be deafness a thing? That said the insight he gave was it was a lot driven by jealousy, he didn't think the boyfriend she had then was good for her and wanted to break them up... I do believe as he says that he never intended the fire bomb to go into the house, and that he was aiming for the deck and over threw the molotov, I can sort of understand him feeling like he was mentally ok when we all could see he was not. I can somewhat understand the stupid logic behind it, I know first hand, that stupid decisions you can make in poor mental health. Remorse... for his ex, his son and her, yes... for her partner at the time... no and that I do not accept.

    As for whether we were close... that is very difficult to answer. Easy answer no, but I am not really close with anyone, there are people who's company I enjoy and my brother is one of them, but there is not really anyone who I desperately need in my life, I enjoy their company and spending time with them... but if I was left to my own devices I could plod along without a second thought. On the more difficult answer he has stuck with me through the bad times, standing up for my character to his ex, while they were partners at the time, allowing us to get to know each other on our terms, instead of forcing as together, I was the first in the family to see his son... so in otherways there is a closeness... but I guess no real emotional connection... or not one that I can feel, but I think as you've seen from this that's maybe not so surprising I have often wondered though if I would feel anything if mom or dad or my brother or my sister died or all of them at the same time... because I know I'm "supposed" to, but I'm not sure I actually will.

    But thanks for your support *hugs back*



    From my perspective, I think someone committing arson is a pretty big deal and can understand why it would take some people some time to get passed it. If someone lit my house on fire, I would be pretty pissed XD. Reminds me of that episode on House where he drives through Cuddy's home.
    I could understand it more if it was there home he torched... that I could understand. The thing I find tough is that at least in my eyes the Victim of the crime is dealing with this far more maturely and fairly than they are.... but I don't know if I'm being fair saying that.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleManAlex View Post
    I could understand it more if it was there home he torched... that I could understand. The thing I find tough is that at least in my eyes the Victim of the crime is dealing with this far more maturely and fairly than they are.... but I don't know if I'm being fair saying that.
    Betrayal, whether real or perceived, is always keenly felt. If your brother's ex had moved on from him; no longer had any emotional investment in him; then his actions would not necessarily sting so much. She would not feel betrayed. Your sister, on the other hand, was still emotionally invested in him, her brother, so she might actually feel it more acutely. Additionally, to the extent that people believe in the value of blood, and innate charcteristics (and it's still a perniciously persistent belief, even among people who claim to believe otherwise), your brother's actions constitute a reflection upon his family. Your sister may be reacting against the idea that if her brother is capable of something like that, does that mean that she is as well?

    To answer your question though, if I were in the same position, I'd be a little disappointed in your mother. Standing by your child is one thing, but you don't have the right to complain about the hardships that result from your own free choices; nor do you have the right to cast aspersions on the victim, especially when she is being so mature about the whole situation.

  8. #8

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    I'm not going to take sides here because I really know very little as to the personalities involved. My only comment is that during hard, interpersonal times, people should stay off social media. Commenting on Facebook only makes a bad situation much worse.

  9. #9

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    I think it's hard to pick right and wrong here. And asking us is looking for some kind of justification for liking or not liking other people. The fact is that everyone is different and they'll react to things differently. It might be right some people involved to make peace and move past what happened, while it wouldn't be right for others to do that, at least not yet.

    What I will say is that arson is a pretty serious crime and I think most reactions to it can be justified. It's not an action that's easily taken back or forgiven. I also think forgiving people, even when they may not deserve it, can be a good thing, but it all depends on who's involved and how everyone feels.

    I wish you and your family luck moving past this and reconciling as well as possible.

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