So with the recent graduation of my brother from gradschool, I am beginning to feel like a disapointment to my parents. They have told me they are proud of me for going out and trying to get my GED but I am required by law to get it. Awhile back there was a whole 'flick' incident that led to my arrest, three days in jail, and a probation that I'm still on. An over zealous cop decided that my flick was worthy of ruining my life. Now with the new DVA (Domestic Violence Act), the cop can press charges without the consent of the 'victim' which my mother obviously didn't want any of this to happen. She even agreed with me that I had probably just agitated a previous injury as she has had many over the years.
This 'incident' resulted in my sentencing requiring I get my GED. I know, I know, I'm 20, never had a job, haven't graduated highschool, and I have no driver's license. I cannot control the circumstances that led me here, all I can control is myself. I may have contributed, but not all of this is my fault. I don't want to 'play victim' but life has been pretty harsh on me. I know people have it worse, but that doesn't discredit my hurts. pains, and sadness. I don't want pity from anyone, I just want understanding and support with a pinch of realism. Realistically I don't think I could find myself ever going to college. I never had a postitive experience with school. It has always been, "If you don't get this assignment done, you are worthless and stupid" in my mind. Right or wrong, it's what I feel (this will be a long post so if you read it all, strap in it's going to be a long ride. No sexual innuendo intended) and nothing has changed that feeling. I've always felt inadequate, but I finally was able to see my own self worth. That is a plus I suppose. I still have many personal demons to crush. Depression, suicidal tendency, and social anxiety. I don't know if I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) but if I do it is a statement about the stress I've experienced in my short 20 years of living. Maginified by depression and self hatred, I like to think my self hatred is gone. It might flare up after a particular instance, but I beat it down with postitive reinforcement.
I have had many hurts... 6 ex girlfriends over the course of maybe 4-6 years (depression fogs my memory). Way too short of a time between each and I'm learning that it causes more hurt to move on too fast. I need to let my heart heal. To let it be restored before I go wearing it on my sleeve again. Which I do anyway... making me an easy target for bullying. Which I am happy that I haven't been bullied in awhile, but part of me sickly misses the torture and then the other part does it to myself. I don't really enjoy being bullied, what I mean is that It went on for so long that I developed a dependence on being hurt emotionally. That I just expected it of everyone, I almost made people hurt me emotionally before I realised how stupid that would be. Depression has been my companion for many, many, many..... years. Starting as young as my first thoughts that I foggily remember. It was just two words, "Why. Here." As in asking myself why I even was alive. I know that much now. At 15, my first serious suicide attempt was made. Being young and stupid I didn't know strangling yourself was impossible. Though I tried and tried. 17 I took a few too many pills and then I got scared so I told my parents, I had taken just under the lethal dose that would have caused painful kidney failure. I fitting death I had thought at the time, then quickly regretting it. All over what... a phone that was taken away. My one line of communication to the world, cut off. Not a big deal to some, but at this time my friends were not active in supporting me, still might not be but I know they care. I know which friends I can talk to about anything. ADISC has been a great place for me to meet new people who are similar, or very different to me. I've had my good experiences and my bad. I want to apologise to BoundCoder and anyone else I may have overreacted to in previous thread posts. I am constantly learning and changing who I am as I find out who I am in the world. I want first and foremost my posts to be relavent, not overly sappy, and helpful to some.
I will wrap this up here as I know not everyone wants to read a small novel in a thread post, though I'm sure there have been longer posts than this one, I know people can be quick to just move on to something else. Thank you if you read all of this and I hope maybe it helps someone see they aren't alone in how they feel.
Final question, have I been as good of an ADISC member as I should have been? What can I do to improve? What can I change? Am I too active? Thoughts?