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Thread: Venting

  1. #1

    Default Venting

    So with the recent graduation of my brother from gradschool, I am beginning to feel like a disapointment to my parents. They have told me they are proud of me for going out and trying to get my GED but I am required by law to get it. Awhile back there was a whole 'flick' incident that led to my arrest, three days in jail, and a probation that I'm still on. An over zealous cop decided that my flick was worthy of ruining my life. Now with the new DVA (Domestic Violence Act), the cop can press charges without the consent of the 'victim' which my mother obviously didn't want any of this to happen. She even agreed with me that I had probably just agitated a previous injury as she has had many over the years.

    This 'incident' resulted in my sentencing requiring I get my GED. I know, I know, I'm 20, never had a job, haven't graduated highschool, and I have no driver's license. I cannot control the circumstances that led me here, all I can control is myself. I may have contributed, but not all of this is my fault. I don't want to 'play victim' but life has been pretty harsh on me. I know people have it worse, but that doesn't discredit my hurts. pains, and sadness. I don't want pity from anyone, I just want understanding and support with a pinch of realism. Realistically I don't think I could find myself ever going to college. I never had a postitive experience with school. It has always been, "If you don't get this assignment done, you are worthless and stupid" in my mind. Right or wrong, it's what I feel (this will be a long post so if you read it all, strap in it's going to be a long ride. No sexual innuendo intended) and nothing has changed that feeling. I've always felt inadequate, but I finally was able to see my own self worth. That is a plus I suppose. I still have many personal demons to crush. Depression, suicidal tendency, and social anxiety. I don't know if I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) but if I do it is a statement about the stress I've experienced in my short 20 years of living. Maginified by depression and self hatred, I like to think my self hatred is gone. It might flare up after a particular instance, but I beat it down with postitive reinforcement.

    I have had many hurts... 6 ex girlfriends over the course of maybe 4-6 years (depression fogs my memory). Way too short of a time between each and I'm learning that it causes more hurt to move on too fast. I need to let my heart heal. To let it be restored before I go wearing it on my sleeve again. Which I do anyway... making me an easy target for bullying. Which I am happy that I haven't been bullied in awhile, but part of me sickly misses the torture and then the other part does it to myself. I don't really enjoy being bullied, what I mean is that It went on for so long that I developed a dependence on being hurt emotionally. That I just expected it of everyone, I almost made people hurt me emotionally before I realised how stupid that would be. Depression has been my companion for many, many, many..... years. Starting as young as my first thoughts that I foggily remember. It was just two words, "Why. Here." As in asking myself why I even was alive. I know that much now. At 15, my first serious suicide attempt was made. Being young and stupid I didn't know strangling yourself was impossible. Though I tried and tried. 17 I took a few too many pills and then I got scared so I told my parents, I had taken just under the lethal dose that would have caused painful kidney failure. I fitting death I had thought at the time, then quickly regretting it. All over what... a phone that was taken away. My one line of communication to the world, cut off. Not a big deal to some, but at this time my friends were not active in supporting me, still might not be but I know they care. I know which friends I can talk to about anything. ADISC has been a great place for me to meet new people who are similar, or very different to me. I've had my good experiences and my bad. I want to apologise to BoundCoder and anyone else I may have overreacted to in previous thread posts. I am constantly learning and changing who I am as I find out who I am in the world. I want first and foremost my posts to be relavent, not overly sappy, and helpful to some.

    I will wrap this up here as I know not everyone wants to read a small novel in a thread post, though I'm sure there have been longer posts than this one, I know people can be quick to just move on to something else. Thank you if you read all of this and I hope maybe it helps someone see they aren't alone in how they feel.

    Final question, have I been as good of an ADISC member as I should have been? What can I do to improve? What can I change? Am I too active? Thoughts?

  2. #2

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    No one forces anyone to read posts. Venting here is a better outlet than many.

    You've owned your issues, and that you have a lot of things you need to do. That's all good. I think we all wish you success in doing what you need to do. There's nothing to be gained in measuring yourself by your brother, even if some others might. If anything, measure yourself day by day against your own plan.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    No one forces anyone to read posts. Venting here is a better outlet than many.

    You've owned your issues, and that you have a lot of things you need to do. That's all good. I think we all wish you success in doing what you need to do. There's nothing to be gained in measuring yourself by your brother, even if some others might. If anything, measure yourself day by day against your own plan.
    It just feels like my mother compares me to him. Maybe not intentionally, but the way she talks to me, the things she says, make me feel like a failure as a son. That may be a little extreme, but it is how I feel. I know she means well, that she is supportive and proud of me, but I can't help but feel like I'm playing second or even third fiddle so to speak. I do have much to learn, but this whole thing has been quite the learning experience. I will never stop learning, never stop trying to improve, and never stop trying to be a better human being in general.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I know, I know, I'm 20, never had a job, haven't graduated highschool, and I have no driver's license.
    I can't speak about your ADISC activity as I only appear here from time to time and I'm not part of many discussions.

    I was 20 not long ago. I know that I've changed quite a bit since then and that by most people's metrics (except a partner) I'm doing well in life. Although I don't feel like I can provide advice, I will share a little of my story. At around your age I dropped out of uni for health reasons after already repeating a year. A few of my friends were graduating with pass degrees and had moved on to decent jobs. Most were staying on for a 4th year. I considered myself a bit of a failure compared to them and truthfully, a little jealousy.

    What was I going to do with my life? How would I earn money to live and raise a family? I wanted to give myself, my future wife and children a better life and rise socially, not become a disaster.

    I set myself a goal. I wanted to earn a specific amount of money. I know that money isn't everything. At this time, I had no idea how I was going to get there. Since then nearly all of my free time has been spent on learning things for my work or to improve my value to an employer. There were a few sacrifices like, due to this and other reasons, my love life has been non-existent.

    Just a few years later, a few months ago in fact, I've reached my goal. Some of it was luck, good choices, determination and a little cheating of a sort but I've got here. I chose carefully and I really like my job. Not every decision was financially motivated.

    My point is that school and uni didn't really help me to get any of those jobs or to teach me useful skills (from an academic perspective) for my current job. My degree subject is unrelated to my profession. I decided what I wanted from life and started taking steps to get there. Life goal #1: success. I just need to settle on a #2 now.

    Athletes measure themselves against their own performance and know what their own strengths and weaknesses are.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by JackCrinkles View Post
    I can't speak about your ADISC activity as I only appear here from time to time and I'm not part of many discussions.

    I was 20 not long ago. I know that I've changed quite a bit since then and that by most people's metrics (except a partner) I'm doing well in life. Although I don't feel like I can provide advice, I will share a little of my story. At around your age I dropped out of uni for health reasons after already repeating a year. A few of my friends were graduating with pass degrees and had moved on to decent jobs. Most were staying on for a 4th year. I considered myself a bit of a failure compared to them and truthfully, a little jealousy.

    What was I going to do with my life? How would I earn money to live and raise a family? I wanted to give myself, my future wife and children a better life and rise socially, not become a disaster.

    I set myself a goal. I wanted to earn a specific amount of money. I know that money isn't everything. At this time, I had no idea how I was going to get there. Since then nearly all of my free time has been spent on learning things for my work or to improve my value to an employer. There were a few sacrifices like, due to this and other reasons, my love life has been non-existent.

    Just a few years later, a few months ago in fact, I've reached my goal. Some of it was luck, good choices, determination and a little cheating of a sort but I've got here. I chose carefully and I really like my job. Not every decision was financially motivated.

    My point is that school and uni didn't really help me to get any of those jobs or to teach me useful skills (from an academic perspective) for my current job. My degree subject is unrelated to my profession. I decided what I wanted from life and started taking steps to get there. Life goal #1: success. I just need to settle on a #2 now.

    Athletes measure themselves against their own performance and know what their own strengths and weaknesses are.
    You may not have had advice, but your story does give me a sense of hope. I know school doesn't always help get a job, but by law I am required to get my GED (see intro). I'm worried that I will waste my life figuring out what I'm supposed to do, that I'll never reach the point that so many in my positition have. They beat the odds and succeeded... but I am afraid of success. I'm afraid of expectations being put on me if I accomplish my goals.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    You may not have had advice, but your story does give me a sense of hope.
    Good



    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I know school doesn't always help get a job, but by law I am required to get my GED (see intro).
    Yep. I wasn't trying to suggest that school isn't a good idea. While I am still paying off my debts from uni for the degree that I didn't get, I can't say that I didn't learn loads doing it. Occasionally a bit of that business knowledge comes in handy. It was a risk for me that I wouldn't complete. I did regret it when I dropped out. Thinking things like "I've just wasted 3 years of my life." I took the risk though, I dealt with the depression and since then I don't regret it.



    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    I'm worried that I will waste my life figuring out what I'm supposed to do, that I'll never reach the point that so many in my positition have.
    Haha! I had that same concern and it was a biggie. My suggestion is to try to find one thing that is ultimately the most important for you and use that as a starting point. I mentioned that I wanted to give my future children a better life and I decided how I would give them that.

    I looked at GED on Wikipedia but I didn't find it very helpful in some regards (perhaps because I'm tired). Are there other people doing the GED a similar age to yourself? If there are then perhaps their aspirations in life may give you ideas. Older people have different ideas and different priorities so they aren't as helpful here in my opinion.

    Someone I know is leaving a good job to teach English in China. He decided that while he's happy with his job and he likes his friends and coworkers, the most important thing in life for him is to help people.



    Quote Originally Posted by Premetheus View Post
    They beat the odds and succeeded... but I am afraid of success. I'm afraid of expectations being put on me if I accomplish my goals.
    I've nothing for you here. I can't relate to either of those situations. I'm sorry to hear that.

    Perhaps this is covered elsewhere or perhaps it is a dark hole. If so just ignore my question here and move on. Why are you scared of success? Is it because one success promises guaranteed success in future?

    For me the main expectation imposed on me was to go to uni, get a degree and get a top graduate job. After failing the first part, it became more like a hope that I would "just get a job, any job, just get a job." I didn't just get any job. I resisted because I had a life goal and a plan to achieve it and I was making real progress towards that. Am I glad now that I resisted. I took my own path.

  7. #7

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    Soo, I got my GED at 19 for a combination of health and disciplinary reasons. No court order or anything. My health had me repeating my junior year of high school and an episode related to that had me suspended for half the year. It would have been a whole year but the principal didn't want my suicide attempts to get pinned on him.

    Plan B my counselor came up with was to get me out of limbo with a GED since she sincerely didn't believe I would survive school. After that I struggled with motivation through community college. Came and went from some decent jobs that all tore me up mentally a bit and paid 60% of what they should have with no benefits or vacation. Up until a year ago I was pretty much wasting away in my room doing a class at a time tops, and spoiled with that even which didn't make me feel better. A number of friends were in grad school or had kids and families.

    It was a coincidence that I got the job I have now. An acquaintance of my Dad's. It isn't great but I'm independent with an apartment, far away from my folks which improves my mental health greatly. Only about 1/8th of the schooling I did really applies at this lame excuse for a shop but it's a stepping stone. Without this lead falling out of the sky I'm sure I would have continued to decline, it was getting pretty bad even by my standards.

    So I guess just try to hang on. GED's only take a few weeks to get. A lot of resume writing and responding to applications with business letters for me. I never had a run of the mill job but I suppose even part time would have given me some small sense of purpose and enough cash to do something fun now and again. Or part time could have totally burned me out more than my career track jobs that fizzled out.

    Munches and social outings were all that kept me afloat for a couple years. I try to network with people to find the good jobs but you can't use the internet for my trade. Everybody will hire a rock star but nobody is posting. Plus the uncertainty I had taking this job. Shaky health and work history, new place, new town, new bills I never had. I previously had a hard enough time studying while still taking care of my body.

    So here I am hating my company and loving my coworkers and foreman. Saving what I can while still having a life outside 50 hours a week. I'll need a good size war chest to jump ship, so that will keep me tied to the current job even longer. Longer still if my car decides to explode one of these days. I'm not great at being an adult. Chance could just as easily take it all away, but I'll just take what comes my way. I suspect plenty of other people are walking a tight rope too, maybe one that is fraying at one end.

  8. #8

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    Hey bud. I can relate to what you're going through. You sound a lot like my girlfriend. She too has a lot of mental health issues. It's worth noting you brought up BPD. She's only been diagnosed with "mood disorder", but I suspect it's BPD. I've done a lot of research on it, and by reading what you've posted, I see some similar traits that you should look into. Have you checked into DBT therapy? Are you doing any kind of therapy or counseling? I would look into those options first before worrying about school. Commit and work on yourself first. It will greatly increase your chances of being successful in life.

  9. #9

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    Always remember that no matter what any one else thinks of you or thinks you should do, that you made it this far. you did. not anyone else. you did it and your body, though it may seem like it doesnt, wants to survive. Sometimes you hit a dark place and all you can do is just wait it out, but if you just keep going and do the best that you can do (not the best anyone else SAYS you can do) then you've done all you can. Its easy to take people's opinions of us way to seriously or take them in such a way that it changes who we are as people. But the truth is if you let others opinions rule how you feel and your mental abilities, you will never feel free enough to sore past their expectations. Also don't be shy! please feel free to vent here any time, this is a safe site.
    : )

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