Hello, from the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.
I assume this is the place where everyone goes and gets that uncomfortable self introduction out of the way; by telling everyone a little bit about themselves. You know the post that very few ever really read unless later down the road the person turns into a total ass, or this amazing person and you decide to look back at their other posts... Yep this is the place.
So... something about me and what brings me to this forum.
I am 30 something, and I wear diapers. I am not incontinent, in fact, quite the opposite. I have a condition called Fowler's Syndrome (yep, that is why the screen name). Prior to being diagnosed with Folwer's disease/ syndrome I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.
I find it interesting that many people diagnosed with Asperger's also find comfort in wearing and using diapers, as I sometimes do.
I also have a condition called Folwer's Syndrome/Disease which started to manifest when I was around fifteen, but wasn't formally diagnosed for many years because of my Asperger's. Rather "my potty issues" were thought to be worsened from being pregnant. This false belief was compounded by a statement I made in a session to my therapist after my 1st hospitalization for "urinary retention" that I found the idea of diapers comforting.
--Of course, I found the idea comforting because before being rushed to the emergency room and leading up to my transfer to the psy ward (all apart of that "1st hospitalization", I had totally humiliated myself all over the lunch room floor.--
Anyhow, Fowler's Syndrome is the reverse of being incontinent and it is basically the inability to pee and sometimes poop. Some people with Folwer's are mildly affected while others, like me, have to use a catheter every single time they need to pee. And for others they also have complications pooping.
For many years, I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was told it was because of my Asperger's that I had issues going to the bathroom. I was taught to self-cath at the ripe age of 15 and 3 months, it was beyond embarrassing.
Once when searching for a hall pass in my pocket, the wrapper from the cath fell on the floor and I was sent to the principal's office to explain. But that story is one I hope to share in a later post.
Even though I self-cathed, I still wore diapers throughout most of my high-school and when I started college. This is because without warning I would suddenly pass out and pee myself. I now know this was because of the urinary retention getting so severe that my body physically and mentally shut down, but back then it was simply another embarrassment.
This cycle continued until my freshman year of college when I got mono and became so exhausted that I didn't have the energy to self cath, so I decided to leave the intermittent cath in place and just let the pee flow into a diaper. More-over, my body seemed to appreciate the catheter because, in the past, I often had difficultly removing the catheter once I was done peeing. I later learned that the fact that my body tended to "grip" the catheter was just another symptom of Fowler's.
I was amazed by how freeing this whole experience was, and I continued to use my new technique on and off for over 16 months. That is until the dreadful day when one of the intermittent catheters slipped up inside my bladder and I had to go the to ER to have it removed. Again utter humiliation, I also had to explain to the urologist I had been seeing for several years why I was "choosing" to leave the catheter in place. And again both of these accounts are something best suited for another post.
But suffice to say she didn't understand so she transferred me to a young doctor they had recently recruited; he did listen and eventually understood.
Currently, I still use a "modified" intermittent catheter when I use the diaper and cath technique. I haven't had a single urinary infection or kidney infection from the modified catheter. And prefer the diaper to a collection bag. I don't "use" a diaper every day but I do have to wear some sort of protection most days.
So that is a bit of my story.
Now on to the part of what brings me here....
Well, somewhere along my journey, I began to wonder what would happen if I un-potty trained myself. Would it be possible to allow myself to become diaper dependent? I wasn't born with Fowler's and I have to wear a diaper most days. And times, like today, I pop the cath in and just let it go.
No one knows for certain how to even treat Fowlers and I have tried nerve stimulation, but I am hesitant on the whole botox injections. So my diaper dependent intrigue is one of the things which brings me here. I have read the boards many times, but I haven't contributed and I think I would like to learn more about the upsides of wearing diapers, and I would like a place where I can share some of my accidents. I am also starting to have issues with pooping and rather than go it alone like I did before, this time I think it would be nice to have a place where I can chat with others.
Lastly, I often feel guilty about the comfortable feeling I get when the cath is in place and I am able to simply pee into a diaper. I hope being able to share some of my real life account will help me to feel less guilty. Also, I struggle with sometimes using the cath and diaper method because I feel there is something wrong about doing so.
I guess it is because of this mixed bag of feelings that I fantasize about someone coming along and taking over the responsibility for the decision of wearing a diaper that I started writing stories many years ago. I would like to share some of those fictional stories here, where maybe they will be enjoyed.
So, in closing, I just want to say I look forward to learning more and please feel free to ask me any questions.