All my life I feel as if everything I've done is a battle. It just seems to get worse. I just don't have it in myself anymore. I've often thought that life is pointless. I've never enjoyed my life. It seems like I would like to do something, get ready to do it, and just completely lose all interest. I find myself ignoring friends and family. I'm ashamed of the way I look, ashamed of my less than average manhood. I've never been in a relationship. I've had a few people here and there but I just run them off by ignoring them. I feel as if I'm just dragging people down with me. I think I've gotten to a point where I just enjoy nothing and isolate myself. I don't know how to crawl out of this endless pit.
I'm thinking of suicide multiple times a day. I don't even cry anymore as the thought of death seems like a release from being in my own mind and actually brings happy feelings.
I've tried improving my life. It still doesn't help the feeling. I don't take drugs or anything, I don't drink. I have a head on my shoulders. I just don't know how to be happy or content.
Everything is just starting to get overwhelming for me. I cry because I feel like I'm stuck in a situation where perhaps my passing would have bad effects. I wouldn't want to harm someone in the process.
Then it becomes a blame game in my head and I start feeling negatively about the people I care about. I feel that is their fault why I'm still here.
I'm just so sick and tired of living and don't feel like doing anything anymore.