Dissociation: adult or baby?

Hi everybody. I have been thinking a lot about my life lately and there is something that really bothers me: Have you ever feel like you are two completely different persons in one? Like I can be a baby when I am alone, but then when friends or family are around I have to behave as an adult. The point is: I believe that I will never be completely myself, looks like there is a big separation between these two persons. Do you think we can have the sensation of being a full person sometime?

I've felt this way for most of my life, and not just two personas, but several. When I was a student, I had my cool, self-defensive persona. When I was home with my parents, I was my quiet, not revealing to much self. When I was out with my friends, I was my fun loving, cut-up self. When I was at work, and I worked as a church organist by the time I was 12, I was a little adult. But I never felt like I was my age. I've always felt younger, even as an adult.

I've usually been in charge of other groups, various choirs and I've had to not just be the adult, but also a leader and one who inspires others to do their best. But I've always felt like I was a kid of maybe 12 years old. I think I know why. I had a psychotic break when I was 12. My parents went bankrupt and we had to move, me leaving my best friend. A part of me just got stuck at that age.

So yes, I agree. We are complex as humans. We have to be not only adults to survive, but skilled adults, leaders in charge, etc. But I'm not sure that many of us want that. It gets thrust upon us, and for people such as ourselves on this site, finally getting home and shedding the adult clothes and replacing them with a diaper and a onsie, can be such sweet relief.

I've tried in many ways to integrate the different people in my life. It's become reasonably acceptable to like My Little Pony, for example, so I'm public about that and have even worn the t-shirts to work on casual Fridays.

I think wearing diapers in a professional environment isn't something I can do without an unacceptable risk of worrying people, which makes me a little sad, but that's how the world is, so it must be dealt with.

More broadly, I think that we always have to put on different personas. We strive to do many things for many different people. And it's not unnatural or fake to try to appear confident, skilled, or effective in situations where you really are good at handling certain types of problems. When you think, "I should do something to help out somebody else," that's the real you being considerate of others, even when it means you can't divulge your whole life story or engage in every pleasure you want as a result.

I also think, over the long-term, we should strive to make some changes to the way people think. I'd like to live in a world where it's understood that wearing diapers for pleasure is a harmless thing that some people do. I'm not going to sacrifice my whole life for that goal, but it would be a nice improvement to things and I'll help nudge the world that direction when opportunities present themselves.

Finally, a note that responsibility is stressful. It should be stressful because that shows that we know it's important. It can be nice at times to let go of that stress and I think everyone needs a way to do that (the more common ones than diapers being stuff like getting drunk or beach vacations). But I don't think it can be permanently released because that means giving up on being in control of things in your own life. And that sucks a lot too.

hmmm, lets see, kinda.

theres the funny, nothing is sacred goofball that everybody knows and loves, but underneith it all sleeps a monster :catsmile:

I might be an intelligent grownup, I've always wanted to just be a kid deep down inside. While I have to act all grownup when I go out to work, I've always loved sitting around and watching cartoons with my stuffed animals when I am at home by myself.

I really do like Sisi's suggestion about thinking about work as if it was school, I might have to give that some thought. I do know that I probably wouldn't be able to come out as little to my coworkers, but who knows... maybe I could. They already think that I'm a weirdo. Maybe someday I can come padded to work and show a little more of my kiddo side, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Until then, I totally have to keep each side mostly separated.

personally i view this inner conflict as a good thing. Trying to define who you are and being that person is a matter of existentialism.

In a way I'm more of a baby at age 27 than I ever was when I was actually little. I pretty much skipped over my childhood. I hated cartoons and my favorite show was the news. I absolutely hated recess in elementary school and would beg the teacher let me stay inside and do more assignments but she wouldn't let that happen and so I spent recess sitting by the wall reading dictionaries encyclopedias and high school textbooks that I borrowed from my older brother. I would not read anything fiction I absolutely refused. they actually sent me to the school counselor because I refused to check out or read anything fiction during Library time in elementary school. on the plus side of all that I was much more intelligent than most kids my age and I would have skipped a grade or two had it not been for Behavioral issues which ironically were due to the fact that I wasn't in an advanced enough class. I'm sure me being AB/DL is due to the fact that I never really let myself be a kid

I personally don't feel like I'm putting on an act when being an adult out in the real world. My little side and my normal everyday side for the most part, are the same person. I don't feel like I'm morphing into a different person going into my little mode, or going back to my normal everyday life. Unless you count being quiet and shy as putting on a different face in my adult life, I don't feel like I'm hiding my real self when living my normal life. Sure, I don't bring up being an ABDL to anyone outside the ABDL community, but that's mainly because doing so would only cause confusion and trouble. Plus, there's never been any reason to. It's not like I lied to anyone that I'm not an ABDL when I really am. It's simply private and something I have no desire to showcase that anytime soon.

Call it personas, masks or something else, everyone has it. Is part of being human.

I once read about it, how everyone puts on a "mask" depending on the situation, not in a negative way, for example, the way you are with your parents, the words you use and type of behaviour is different than when you are with friends, and so on. And it's absolutely true.

There isn't any dissociation though, because you're still the same person, and it's not like you're going to behave extremely different depending on the situation.

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I definitely feel there's a dissociation between my DL side and my normal side.

My DL side wants to do stuff that I would never want to do normally. You can probably imagine. I have two lots of goals that don't fit together (be a famous artist / be untrained, for example) and I can always make up a good argument for the side that I emotionally want to follow at a particular time.

To cut a long story short, my DL side won and I'm mostly untrained, which is not something that my normal side likes. I have faith that I can toilet train in future, and that I can live with what I have right now, so I don't see my normal life goals as out of the question, but I do feel that I'm controlled by forces that I have no say in, and I don't like that.

I like the ability to do both, I like to have the freedom to do adult things and enjoy the fruits of my hard work and I like just as much to do my little things, that's my identity, I wouldn't want to go all in on one or the other, that's what makes me... me

I think there's a pretty big difference between 'masks' people wear and dissociation as I understand it.

My Mum was dissociative growing up, and man, she had sooooo many different people in her head. All with different names and specific outfits they wore. Different functions they served for her day to day life. One alt to deal with my Dad, one for housework, one to go to work, one to do the mothering, one to be protective of 'the body', one to deal with other nasty shit. One was called Bruce and was a guy. Others were teenagers, others were small children. I remember once she went shopping and one of her kid alters came out, she came home with 4 50 packs of pink icey poles.

She's had a lot of 'integration' as she calls it over the last 20 years to the point that now you're usually talking to the same person and she will always remember what you say. But man, growing up, holy hell.

I guess my point is OP, considering the degree of separation my Mum had and that she is now nearly completely integrated, based on my understanding of dissociation, which is quite limited, I would say you can have integration and experience the feeling of being one 'whole' person. If you both want to I guess.

Yea i agree i feel the same way living 2 seperate live. Baby at night with no one arround but big when i am arround others but at times (when i get frustrated) i wanna cry and wail. Its hard not too

I do... for me, most people don't know me... they know my mask, the adult side. I do struggle feeling as though I'm living a lie when I'm not little... I don't hate the adult me I hate that he has to exist.

LittleManAlex said:

I do... for me, most people don't know me... they know my mask, the adult side. I do struggle feeling as though I'm living a lie when I'm not little... I don't hate the adult me I hate that he has to exist.

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You hit the nail on the head. There are only a couple of people that know there really is a little me. Pretty much everyone knows that I like kids stuff but they don't know that I'm actually only 3/4 on the inside. And I too hate the fact that my adult self has to exist and that I can't be who I really am all the time with no judgment or fear.

Some dissociation is normal among adults. Like if you get truckers hypnosis driving for too long in one sitting. You're adapting to the situation and different skills will switch on and off. Saves on stress or boredom and can be a very good thing. It's when it gets complex and impairing that it's a disorder. And there are many types of dissociation, from your identity, senses, or awareness.

While I have things integrated now, it wasn't so much separate identities for me - it was all fragments of a whole. Each with a skill set and baggage that cancelled out. Certain alters were better in some situations than others. Each held baggage that would have weighed down the other.

That said, I still behave differently at work, in front of bosses, with friends, or with family. It's what I've gotten used to or the experiences I've shared that shapes those interactions. At work I tend to be fairly quiet and focused since my work needs that attention to detail. In college and as a mentor I felt the most adult capable of juggling huge tasks in that state of mind - but not always stopping to eat in the moment.

I thought about this at work the other day. I am a grown adult capable of making smart and intelligent decisions and I am able to function in society. I have a job, friends and a life and nobody except a small amount of people know about my little side. At home behind closed doors I am a little girl who needs her diapers paci and plushie.

I do feel like there is a dissociation between my adult life and little life but there are so many times that I just want to be little when I can't and that is really frustrating to me I just wish that I could do it a lot more. At the same time I do enjoy some of the things adults get to do that children can't do.