After today i have realised what had been Causing my Depression for so Long. Warning:might be a bit Long but those who Want to find out how to get rid of this Beast of a disorder Carry on reading!
I think my Depression got worse aus the more i had to grow up, it might of even started when i was 4 but was minor als the only Thing Babyish i gave up was nappies and pacifiers. I was a Major bed Wetter in my earlier years and i wet in the day for a very Long Time but i was still Forced to wear Knickers in Hope i Would grow out of it.
Anyway back to the Story, i didnt Talk Until i was 5 years Old and i wouldnt play with anyone due to my aspergers which i think is Autismus (autism).
When i was 6 i was propirly Talking and i remember Clearly Talking enthusiastically about my Trip to the tweenies Concert at alton towers (Flash back: i remember knowing Language when i was 3 years Old but i literally didn,t Know how to Talk) back to the Story: i remember being told to stop Sucking my thumb when i was six and my aunt told me in private that she still Sucks her thumb and she asked me if i did it and of Course i Said no aus i feared she Would Tell my Parents. When i was 6 and a half my bedroom was changed and it was nowhere als good als my Old room Even though i had Barbie Stickers on my wall but it meant no more tweenies because my friend at the Time Said that she Would not be my friend if i still Liked the tweenies so that was when i gave it up when my friend came over i Said that Some of my toys were for Babies Even though i Liked them and After i Said that i stopped Playing with them. I was really missing babyhood by then aus i had no more Story time though i was Glad i had cuddles with Mama and Papa.
When i was 7, that was when it Seemed to First Kick in properily but i Never though to Want to kill Myself but i hated Myself and started to withdraw. They started boring topics like romans and science (yawn!)
Being 8 to 9 years Old it temporelly went better aus School was interesting but there was horrible topics coming up like Death and funerals and then my great Oma had died (rip) and hitler and the nazis came up as a topic, i was in for a Right Shock As i thought nothing like that Existed (who wants to kill Other People, its just wrong!?)
Being 10 was just horrible for me and Depression started to strike. My bed wetting got worse and i thought Everyone hated me. I was getting bullied and was suffering from anorexia. I was extremly underweight and i Stunk of pee. I got called wee wee woman and this Girl wohl was a lot younger than me Said "so you weigh 2 Stone Or something you Are so Thin?!" Then sex Education Classes came up and i was shocked again that my childhood was coming to an end, my Teacher was going on about peroids (eek!). One day on toy day, i Brought my Ponies and toy animals to School and People Took the Mickey out of my for Having those toys (what the heck, i thought!)
In year 6 when i was 11, i got told in Front of the Wohle class that i was vunerable. During that year i was Off sick a lot when anorexia and UTIs, my bed wetting was coming to an end but mit quite. My Depression had starte das all my toys and all childish Things were Gone and erased from my life like ist Never happened. I refused to Do homework and Wanted my life back. I got startled again when i got Another Shock about upcoming sex Education when they Showm a video about how they have sex and i Instantly got Creeped out and scared of men.
Once i started high School/ middle school you Could Tell i was depressed just by Looking at me but no help was offered, at that Point i fehlt like i couldn,t Tell anybody as i was well beyond that stage Or supposed to be. One Thing that triggered my Want for pacifiers was a Simpsons Episode when Maggie Gomes to daycare and has her pacifier taken Off her.
When i was 12, i saw toy Story 3 for the First Time and Instantly that was when i Knew something Wasn,t Right and when i thought i Want to Play with toys so badly, Thats when my Depression slowly got worse and i couldn,t Do anything about it.
At 13 i felt down als i realised i Can,t be a Child anymore of i tried and Everyone was making sexual Jokes and Having boyfriends. The Most i Could Play with a friend now was to Play on the Computer together, Read Texts, sit Around chatting all day and go for outings, no Silly Games Or whatever and definatly no toys. What really got me down was when me and a friend was Playing the Sims and she created me als a teenager, when i make Myself a Child.
At 14, i didnt stop and i just hated School so much, i couldn,t sleep so People made a Joke that i looked Stoned and i was dealing. I got called a sloth and that really upsets me when someone inpersonates a sloth!
When i was 15, it really went downhill aus i actually Wanted to kill Myself, i started to Scratch myself and i am only just Starting to Break the Habit i Made After 3 years of constantly doing ist. This was when i was more relaxed about the thought of Having sex but Thats a Different Story for a Different day beides i dont Want to Talk about my sex life to Anybody. I tried to call for help but when my Papa found out he yelled at me saying i wouldn,t have anymore luxeries and that i would have to go to the "Loony bin" i cried for 4 Hours every night and it just felt cold als i Could deskribe it. I Slowed down in my Studies and i Would of got better grades if i didnt have dpression. I had a Bad friend who Would be on and Off with me all the Time and everything had to be her way and whenever i told her i Wanted to kill Myself she Would Try to Break Friends with me.
At 16 i Perked up just a bit als i realised i Could leave School in may so i Studied hard for my Exams and left School with 7 GCSEs. I enjoyed my Classes though but the bullying started to stop(Yahoo!) i also Developed a Bad Habit of Banging my Head against the wall descretly of Course so no-one Knew.
At College i was happy als i went on a childcare Course aus i Want to work in a daycare Centre. But Little by Little my Friends all started to Dessert me and i lost my Place in the Course due to Depression and being unable to Control a Group of children. I Developed anger Issues which i still have. I Would Break anything without thinking when angered and anything Would set my into a Boiling rage.
ONCE i Turned 17 , i voluntiered in a came home which i hated but i felt good als i was making the Lonely Old People with dementia happy. I Joined a Tesching assitants course After that and i worked on a Placement in a daycare Centre, i loved it Playing with the toys and Talking to Kids that i Can Relste to. Got a but jelous of the Babies Having Nappy changes and dummies and those kiddie Cars and bikes+ the attention they got but i was able to deflect my Desires into Caring for the kids. In April Last year i got my First dummies, it Took 2 Attempts to get them, First Time i went shopping Meaning to get them but i felt Too shy als it was Midday and had Plenty of teenagers around, i got upsets and chickened out and Bought 2 Bags of chocolate and Ate the Wohle lot in one go. The nett day i went out at 8 in the Morning and got them, so Glad i did (i was sweating and shaking getting them) i found that i was a lots better After getting those and looked Forward to my Dummes.
In November that year, i Kept seeing Nappy Adverts on TV and i Wanted Some. I just couldnt wait to get Some After college, i Knew about drynites and to my Suprise when i got there they had 8 to 15 year Old on them and they fitted me Fine als i am small. I just wore nappies to bed als a treat.
At Halloween i got Myself Some Sweets and candy. Near Christmas with the Money i was earning i Bought toys and dummies and Sweets. It was hard at Christmas when my Brother was over and in the nett room. He Could proberly Hear me Opening them with the wrapping aus well. I stupidly got a Babydoll that Makes noises, ist was loud aus well. I tried to Switch it Off but it still Kept going crying, i tried to muffle ist by shoving it under Some Coats i keep under my bed.
Flashbacks: i was very depressed that i couldnt be a toddler so i got worse moneterly and tried to Commit Suizide by drinking bleach, i came to the Point when i got Some in my Mouth and instantly spat ist out and started Crying Cuz i didn,t Want to die. After that i hid all my shampoos, and anything Sharp just in case because that was when i realised i didn,t Want to die.
New years eve i went over to my Omas and Opas and my younger Cousins were there. I had fun Playing with them until they started dancing and Oma Said that i always use to Dance, i got upsets that it Would bei childish and wrong for me to Dance with them and have fun.
When i returned to daycare to work, i was feeling depressed and being there was not working, i Said to a daycare worker about the Insidemt with the bleach and Long story put Short she told the daycare Manager and i had to See a phychiartrist in College and was let Off the daycare. I also Said due to Having aspergers when a Child was Acting up, good Job you were here, i dont Want to hurt her. It just came out and shocked me als i couldnt beliebe i Said something like that. ( i Said it als a joke) i was Lucky i didn,t get into Trouble but i wont to back to that daycare anytime soon. When i Visited the phychiartrist she told my Mama and my Mama of Course had questions but i Do t think my Papa was ever told thank god!
After that i started hypnotherapy and it worked aus i did confidence, Depression and Energy hypnotherapy. I started to change Around After that and my Depression started to die. Lately i noticed my Depression had lingered and i just found out that it was because i Wasn,t being a Little.
So... The First step was to wear nappies 24/7 and i Instantly felt younger and like the real me, then i felt like something was missing and someone Said here on ADISC that i should have Little time so i figured getting Some Playtime before Doing an adult Thing and then Having 2 Hours of Playtime evetyday should make me happier.
This is the Story about my Depression and how i Beat ist, i dont regnet this and i Hope someone why is suffering from Depression and Needs to be a Little Can Bennefit from this post. I Would Never ever Look back and no-one Can ever make me stop. Best of all it Can be descrete aus no-one Knows that i wear 24/7 als i preiend to go to the toilet and no-one has Seen my stash Or Knows what i like. (Update: i am going back on my Course that i went on Last year in Hopes i Can hold the Place and get a qualifcation)