Annoyed with roommate

[inotternews]

I have a roommate who I realize I'm slowly starting to resent. For the most part, we don't have any of the usual problems like people not doing their dishes, not paying rent, ect. We keep our apt fairly clean. I don't have a problem with my other roommate at all. We've lived together before and we're both fairly laid back. However, my first roommate is very passive aggressive and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

She has a habit of criticizing random things that I do, and when I confront her about it, she just says, "I was just kidding. You take things too seriously." For example, I get hot very quickly. I asked during the summer that we put the air conditioning higher because I was sweating and couldn't fall asleep. She said, "no, I don't want a higher electricity bill." Ok, I understand that. I told her that I'd need to get a fan for my room anyway because I cannot fall asleep when I'm too hot. Done. The time comes for us to start turning on the heat and I ask that they don't turn the heat on too high, and she says, "Uh, we're keeping it above 70 degrees."

I reminded her that I was incredibly uncomfortable during the summer to help them out and I expect her to do the same. I do, after all, pay part of the rent and utilities. She basically told me "No, I'll do what I want." Our other roommate told her no, let's not turn the heat on. She listened to him (because he's her boyfriend). After I confronted her about it politely, she told me that she was just joking and that she would hope that after being friends for so long, that I would at least know when she's joking. ...which is the problem, I know when she's joking and she's denying it and lying about it to my face. But she denies it, which makes it even more frustrating. There was another time where she asked me if I would be ok with her bringing her family dog to the apt because her family wasn't taking care of it properly. I told her that I honestly did not want a dog in the house. I did not want to take care of it and clean up after it, and we would have to pay extra because our apartment doesn't allow pets.

She argued that I was "just ok with letting her family kill her dog, and said she'd take care of it and would take it out and pay for it and the addition to the rent."

Fine, you can pay the portion of the rent, but you work a full time job. You know you can't take it out when you're at work. In other words, when she's not there, we'll have to take care of it, and I think the fact that she doesn't consider my perspective to be really rude. I also dislike the idea of people asking me a question and then not accepting my answer.

Which is basically what my problem is. I feel like my roommate never considers my opinions about anything seriously. Every time she disagrees with me, it's her way or else she'll argue with you until you get tired of arguing. Dealing with her is exhausting and she makes me feel like I'm paying rent in an apartment where I'm being treated like a guest who should be grateful that she lets me stay.

I want to bring this up again, but I really don't want to bring my roommate in the middle of this since he has nothing to do with it, and I don't want to ambush her after she gets off work and start an argument. Does anyone have any experience with something like this? I'm at a loss.

 

[chuck]

Seems like it is time to move on--there must be other apartments out there with roommates that would be more to your liking, although it appears that she is causing the problem.

 

[Akastus]

People with argumentative and stubborn personalities all too often tend towards selfishness, simply because everyone acquiesces to their demands to avoid a fight. Hence, they never develop a sense of what is reasonable behaviour. It's not calculated selfishness, so much as a form of entitlement. Either way, it sounds as though you need to make preparations to move elsewhere. It's possible that the threat of doing so might act as a wakeup call, but somehow, I doubt it.

 

[foxkits]

Your the third person this happens plus they girlfriend boyfriend .
So your the odd wheel out.
She use's her girl powers my sister is the same way all about her not others.
Two choices stop letting her get to you let go it's her and him .
Or you can find a better situation to be in.
Simply that.

 

[toze]

From experience, that's a combative kind of person who takes every chance she has to manipulate others by being covertly aggressive.

Deep down, she fears confrontations. This is the early root of her passive-aggressiveness. Everything more serious than a passive-aggressive conversation is a problem to her, because it doesn't usually evolve that far.

Problem is, she'll probably get off to it in some strange way as she's addicted to doing things that lead up to that kind of interaction (that's ingrained in her personality). But the only real way to shut her up (for a while) really is to call her out on her bullshit and -NEVER- backdown, no matter how appaling she is. They take the minimal backing down as a sign of "victory" which encourages them further.

She doesn't have enough self confidence to be forthright with you, but her underhanded tactics allow her to taste indirect victory via manipulating you into quitting after getting appaled at her, for a temporary ego boost . That's how desperate for a win she is (subconsciously).

those people need to experience a huge metaphorical slap to the face in order to change. Don't wait around on it to happen. Just leave and save yourself some sanity.

 

[Cottontail]

I'm at a loss.

Those people need to experience a huge metaphorical slap to the face in order to change. Don't wait around on it to happen. Just leave and save yourself some sanity.

Yeah. As unfair as it may seem to have to resolve the situation by burdening yourself with a move, it's probably the only reasonable solution. Let's just consider the facts:

1) You don't like her.
2) She doesn't seem to be changing, despite almost certainly knowing that you don't like her.
3) Your other roommate clearly *does* like her--at least enough that he's unlikely to send her packing for your benefit.
4) You probably wouldn't have created this thread if this situation wasn't *really* bothering you.

All of this adds up to a pretty clear "leave." If your other roommate values your friendship, he'll probably want to understand your reasons for leaving, so you'll want to be prepared with an explanation that lets him know that you hold him blameless and want to remain good friends.

Last, but certainly not least: In my many years of college and post-college apartment surfing, most of the very worst living situations I observed involved a married or dating couple and a roommate. As much as the couples may set out with the best of intentions, there is simply no way that these situations will be equitable to all involved. You really want to find roommates who are, socially, in the same place you are.

 

[MetalMann]

I roomed with an uncle of mine before that acted pretty similar to this except he was a religious douchebag and didn't care if I was comfortable. I couldn't do anything that I enjoyed. He sleeper with the door open and was a light sleeper. I couldn't watch TV, I couldn't touch the thermostat. It turned into resentment towards him and things got really ugly. He used personal history to degrade me when me and him were in arguments. This guy was one of those smug assholes and thought the world of himself and his religious views and that made him think he was right about everything. I haven't talked to him in years since.

Unless she can start compromising (I'm guessing not by the way she is), and you want to salvage any friendship, it would be best to move. If you wait too long, it will only become worse over time, you will bite your tongue until you explode.

 

[AlexTurnerIII]

Your roommate sounds like my mom..

 

[toze]

"Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

1) They know how to detect your weaknesses.

2) Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.

3) Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.

4) In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to the exploitation."



While the first two points might not seem obvious to you right now, I asure you you can link small things like "she says I'm letting her family kill her dog" and "criticizing random things that I do" is textbook 1) and 2) at action. 3) and 4) is pretty much the thermostat bullshit you experienced.

I hope reading this helps.

4-Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions
"Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you. These “offers” often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you hear an unreasonable solicitation, it’s sometimes useful to put the focus back on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme. For example:

“Does this seem reasonable to you?”
“Does what you want from me sound fair?”
“Do I have a say in this?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“So, what do I get out of this?”
“Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?"
"

You saw how she reacted to you probing her. That's not going to change. She'll just drain and sap motivation out of you. Sadly, the most effective thing you can do about them is to keep your distance.


Do keep us updated m8. I've been where you are, and I can't help but want to see you get out of this situation favourably :thumbsup:

 

[Baxton]

I know how you feel. I'm actually in the same situation myself. Best thing to do is to break away from them at this point. Unless you can manage to get your thoughts through to her successfully, it might be better to just move out. Save yourself the frustration and all. Because once my roommate got her dog, she doesn't walk it too much and it does its business where ever. She's working full time too. Your roommate sounds exactly like mine. I'm trying to get her out, but that takes a lot of time. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. I know it isn't easy at all to have someone manipulate you to their will.

If you want to talk it out again, you might really need to bring in the other roommate, since he's also living there and paying rent. Perhaps he's feeling just as frustrated? I think best thing to do is to chat it out with all of you, and if that doesn't solve anything then you might just have to move out, or try to get the other out but I'm not sure how successful that'd be. Best of luck!