kite

i didn't want to lose this so i'm writing this as fresh as i can. i just came to the realization of my *b/dl self and my depression.
i was watching a video of stephen colbert on 60 minutes that my friend sent me. the interviewee (forget who) said that all comedians have to go through painful times to be funny and for some reason it triggered this thought. now i'm not a comedian but it just hit me.
the reason why i'm am the way i am now is because i didn't have parents growing up....

the pain of happiness, love, and joy can be odd at times. you don't realize it till one moment you feel your heart being tugged and pulled at by an invisible okami figure. the glowing fibres of the heart just being played like a harp each one plucking at the sound and breath of another.
why does love have to be so estatic and anguishing at the same time? i want to hold someone close, look into their eyes, give them a kiss with passion and just say those sweet three words. i just hope someday...

i just wish i could turn around and just reset everything. i just want a new life; a clean slate. i want a new body. sometimes i think it's just time for me to leave here. i'm just not fitting in to this world. everyone's focus, the world's state of mind is very... weird. no one loves one another. it's all a hate fest. everyone is scared of someone else for some reason weather founded or not.
is it just me or does this not make sense to anyone?
i'm going to be applying for healthcare...

i get this feeling from time to time. it's like i can feel all the animosity and emotion in the world. i just want to cry and scream at the same time. i'm locked in a caged world i cannot change and i'm getting frustrated at all the spiritual suicide i'm seeing around me. just soulless zombies coursing the earth. why can't these people wake up and change things? why can't they open up their eyes and see the beauty around them?
this is why i feel it hard to believe in any sort of outward being...

i don't really want to talk about this, but this is the only diary type thing i have that i write to on a fairly often basis. i'm hurting right now. i feel like i can't do anything right and my head feels like its screaming at me. not in a schizoid sense, but more like just negativity echoing inside. i just feel like i'm not good enough for anything. my moments, even on my computer, have turned into indecisive half seconds where i just go from on program to the next in a flurry of clicks. i need...