Life In The Leper Colony (18+)

[Kenshin Himura]

This was writen by a friend, tell me what you think.

Introduction:

There are various aspects of life that aren't explored that much, such as (how a dog feels after pooping on someone’s lawn, what a prostitute does for pleasure after work hours, how a monk orders food at a restaurant, if a blind person can really call a blind date what it is, if the middle finger that symbolizes "**** You" was started by an angry deaf or mute individual), etc. One such aspect we're never informed about is, what takes place at a Leper colony. You might think that it's all smoke and sunshine, and if you believe that, you might as well believe The George Washington Bridge is for sale on Ebay. In this particular colony, located in Lange Massachusetts, it's almost like a tipical horror movie. Lepers are being murdered by an unknown party. However, this is only the beginning of the show. Gump, the founder and owner of the colony has connections in Velasco New York, where everything is upside-down and inside out. In Velasco New York, the people are uneducated, lack in normality, respect and personal hygiene, and many other anomalous ways of life.


The building looks almost like St. Patrick's Cathedral, except that it’s coated with tuns of red and orange paint. The address, written in yellow sidewalk chalk is shown as 1187 Devildog Road, Lange Massachusetts, 11254. To the left of the colony is a wax sculpture of a small man sitting in a lawn chair with baloons strapped all around it. On the roof of the colony is a small cage, with a cardboard sign on it reading “Columbia Correctional Institution”. Inside the cage, we see a man wacking another man on the head with a bar. To the right of the colony is a black sign in gold lettering that reads “The Leper Colony”. A red 8 by 10 banner with white writing hangs over the top of the colony, with a message. “Come one, come all, but don’t be surprised if you leave with someone elses balls. At the Leper Colony, we play Doctor all day, every day, and have been doing so since August 5, 2005.” As our view drifts skyword, we see that it is daytime. The camera then pans to a donut shaped window of the colony. From off screen, the sound of a bat cracking is heard. We see a baseball with the letters “ftarh” written on it. The ball smashes through the window, cutting off a bird’s wing in the process. A hand grabs the ball and takes it out of view. The camera then pans down a long and narrow hallway. To our left, we see a wall covered by a poster with a black and blue background with white text for “Father McFeely’s Catholic Services.” The picture shows a man who looks almost like Mr. McFeely, only with a beard and sunglasses, kneeling before an alter boy. The caption over Mr. McFeely’s head appears in a thought bubble, as he looks right at the boy’s face. “My Bologna has a first name, it’s J-i-m-m-y...” The ad reads “Come to Father McFeely’s Catholic Services every Sunday from 6-9 AM. Use the back door entrence only. Children are welcome. NO GIRLS ALLOWED!” As the camera zooms in on the poster, a section of Bernard Herrmann's screeching string score from “Psycho” is heard, as we see the fine print, which reads “Open your mouth to confess your sins, then reach for a rag and whipe your chin.” The camera zooms over to the right hand wall, as it is covered with various Pictures of high-profile people, from left to right: Sacha Baron Cohen dressed as Borat, Matt Stone and Trey Parker at a desk, Matt Groening drawing Homer Simpson, Seth MacFarlane talking into a microphone, Howard Stern reading a Playboy, Mel Karmazin holding a stack of checks, Sean Conory holding John Spencer over a hotel balcony, Larry David laughing at a bank, Jim Croce with a guitar, Jimmy Buffett on stage with a guy dressed as a cheeseburger, Chris Rock on stage in front of a crowd, George Carlin glaring at the FCC, Ray Charles at a piano, Glenn Frey and Don Felder staring each other down, Buddy Rich standing near a drumb kit, Frank Zappa with a guitar, Robert Plant glaring at a staircase, Rod Serling knocking on a door marked "The Twilight zone", Jessica Hahn fondeling a banana, Hillary Clinton making out with a picture of herself, Bill Clinton smoking a cigar, Jackson Browne on stage playing a keyboard, and Quentin Tarantino with a camera. Our view now pans to an 8 by 10 room with no door. Three lepers are standing against a blood red wall. Seth, stands about 5 foot 9 and looks just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, only the face is more rounder, but the eyebrows are missing. He sports an Orange T-shirt that shows Gary Dell'Abate on some monkey bars, throwing bananas as he goes from bar to bar on the front. On the back, we see an animation of Jim Morrison brandishing a firearm in a room with a deadbolt on the door, with the caption “No one here gets out alive.” Ron stands about 6 foot 1 and looks almost like Joe Gibbs, but is missing a front tooth. He sports a green T-shirt that shows a pack of Oriental kids beating up Woody Allen with the caption, “Where’s your Mia now?” on the front. On the back, we see a hologram of Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Britney Spears standing near a sperm bank. A sign near the bank says “No straws allowed.” the camera shows they are each holding straws. Ron bends over a little, so now the sign changes to that of Scott Salem screaming with his hands on his face, with the words “Out of here...NOOOOOOOOW!” scrawled above the picture. Chris stands about 5 foot 6, looks almost like Anthony Kiedis, but the face is more streched out. He sports a bright Yellow T-shirt that shows Bill Hicks dressed as a policeman, handcuffing Denis Leary, Dane Cook, and Carlos Mencia, with the caption “Stealing is wrong” on the front. On the back, we see Richard Nixon dressed as a bank guard near an open vault with a big stack of money in front of him. The caption reads “For the zillionth time, I’m not a crook!”

Seth: (Looking at the leper to his right)Hey Ron, want a dildo before lunch?

Ron: Sure, pass it here, Seth. (Seth reaches into his pocket and pulls out a real penis.) Thanks for that.

Seth: (Licks his lips) No problem, stud. (A bell goes off. They all run towards the source of the sound, but in the process, Seth’s foot flies off. It lands out in the dining room. Ron runs out to get it for him. Seth takes it and reattaches it. We see a banner hanging towards the entrence of the dining room, which reads “Finger food. Yes, it’s just what you think it is.” They are now in line waiting to order some food. They investigate a green page menu.) Let’s see...pickled pigs feet with tabasco sauce, fried hog fat with a side of mustard, chicken and parsley, stir fried ape organs dipped in cayenne, french fried potaters, fried green tomatos, and frosted hog slop. Hmmm, it all looks good...I can’t decide what to pick. (He goes up to the window to get his trey. He orders the chicken and parsley. Ron orders the pickled pigs feet, and Chris, a little more adventurous than the others goes for the stir fried ape organs. Chris, disgusted at what his friends have selected, goes to another part of the diner. Seth and Ron both take their seats and dig in. As they sit across from each other, they attempt to play footsy, but they suddenly stop as a watchful guard spots them and brandishes a shotgun, locked and loaded. As the camera zooms in on the guard’s face, we see he looks like Sam Cooke, only with a bald head. He stands about six foot three, and sports a green T-shirt showing an ad for “Ted Kennedy’s driving school, Chappaquiddick Inc.” which shows a car heading towards a river.)

Guard: Hey Siegfried & Roy, you want a room together or something? Good god! (The camera pans to another part of the diner. We see a leper who looks almost like Bill Murray, only with a skater’s cut. He is seen feasting on some chicken, when another leper from across the table suddenly vomits. The guard notices.) What in the name of Sodom and Gomorra is going on over here!? You know Vin has lepercy just like you do Jim, have some respect!

Jim: It’s not him, the guy behind him keeps dipping his toast in the back of Vin’s neck. (The camera shows us that Vin looks like Bob Marley, only with a darker tan.)

Guard: Oh, now you tell me

Vin: (Pointing at a masked man behind him who is holding a piece of toast) Stop it, you’re raping my brain!

Masked man: Don’t get mad at me or anything, but next time I take a dump and it just happens to look like your head, I think you should really take a good look in the mirror before you go out in public.

Vin: (to the guard) Please make this man stop, make him stop...forever. (Vin makes the finger across the throat motion.)

Guard: (Grabs the masked man) Come on now, time for you to leave.

Masked man: Leave? Now?

Guard: yes, come on now, tut tut.

Masked man: What did you just call me? Tut Tut? Do I look like William Shakespeare to you? Do I have bad teeth?

Guard: Yes, you’re teeth look like Hillary Clinton's current campaign trail.

Masked man: **** you and the cow who gave birth to you. (He is violently shoved away and the screen fades to black. We hear the sound of a knife cutting and several loud screams are heard. After the screaming, we hear the sound of a blender firing up. The scene switches back to the blood red wall where the lepers started off at. Ron goes over to the table and picks up the penis he was given earlier.)

Seth: (Watching Ron insert the penis in his anus)Shit! That one’s Yellow. Can you get it up?

Ron: let’s recap: it’s yellow, it’s limp, it must be a hunk of corn. Either that, or you got this from Bruce Lee. Rather than play an extended version of 20 questions with you over this item in question, I'm going to assume it's the ladder and not the former.

Seth: (smuggly) No it’s not, it’s a real penis, I found it where they keep all the parts of the body they can’t use. Strange, why would they do that? (Scratches head with his middle finger, which breaks off in his hair, pointing skyword.) Oh man, they’re goes another finger. Oh well, I can always get one off of Gump, the guy that cleans up after me. He’s been lacking as of late, should I give him a test?

Ron: (With deep sarcasm) Oh yes, please do.

Seth: (Unfamiliar with sarcasm) Okay, here goes. (He reaches up to scratch his face, and a large chunk of his flesh hits the floor with a splat.) Cleanup over in room 1 B-9! (Gump enters the room. He stands about 5 foot 7 and looks almost like Haley Joel Osment. He has a fake eye that drifts off to the side. He sports a black T-shirt that shows an image of Roger Waters spitting at a fan on the front. On the back, we see McGruff the Crime Dog pointing a revolver at Michael Vick, with his paw on the trigger, and the caption above reads “You won’t live to see another seven years, but I will.”)

Gump: Jesus man, did you throw up from that soup we served for lunch? I know you’re a leper and all that, are you sure you don’t have Bulimia?

Chris: No, his face fell off, and besides that, he needs a new finger.

Gump: (Acting like Seth is not present) I’ve told him many times, the graveyard is perfect.

Seth: **** those dead people.

Gump: Hey hey hey, you keep my private life out of this, okay? Go to the orgy in room 69 and hush up.

Seth: Oh man, I hate the orgy. All the fun stuff happens when I'm not around.

(A hallway. To the left we see a poster of Ben Roethlisberger shown with the caption “Wear a helmet or die”. To the right, we see a picture of Andrew Dice Clay and Kevin Martin, fighting each other, Rocky Balboa style, with Clay as Balboa, and Martin as James Lang, respectively. We now see the door to room 69, which is painted a bright orange. On the door, we see a photo of Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis, dressed in purple and green, respectively. In the picture, we see Jackson with a purple cane, and off to his left, we see Willis face-down in a puddle, with the caption “Remember kids: If glass doesn’t kill the white man, water undeniably will”. The camera then pans into room 69. A kingsize bed with a green bedspread takes up half the room. On the wall closest to the bed, we see “The Scream”, decorated with black face, an afro wig, a pick in the wig, and a set of gold teeth. Lepers are seen having sex with each other all over the bed, body parts are coming off and are being placed back on, but not on the right people.)

Seth: Hey Kent, did I miss anything? (The camera shows us what Kent looks like. He's about five foot ten and looks exactly like Bob Barker. He sports a gray t-shirt that shows Alex Trebek bitch slapping Ken Jennings with the caption "Hey Jennings, quit looking at the cards" on the front. On the back, it shows Michael Larson drawing dollar signs all over an icecream truck, with the caption “I don’t need this gig, I got all this cash, bitches!". To his left we see Peter Tomarken, with his fingers in the shape of a gun aimed at Michael's head, and the caption reads "Larson, I'll put a whammy on your toomstone!".)

Kent: No, you missed nothing

Seth: Hey, anyone got a finger? Gump told me to go to the graveyard, but he knows damn well I don’t toy with dead people, that’s his job. What say you, Donnie? (the camera shows that Donnie is about five foot nine, and looks exactly like Dan Aykroyd. He sports a navy blue T-shirt that shows Takashi Nishiyama holding a sign that says “Violence Is Wrong”. On the back, it shows Shigeru Miyamoto eating some mushrooms and holding a bag of coins.)

Donnie: (Looking at Seth, who still has his middle finger lodged in his hair) Quit asking dumb questions and put your junk in my mouth, ****head.

Seth: Shit, that reminds me. I think I lost one of my balls. Anyone got a ball? (Off screen, a gagging sound is heard, followed by the sound effect of a ball rolling across the floor. He crawls to the source of the noise and grabs. He looks at it, puzzled.) This is yellow, not white! (A White gloved hand reaches from out of one of the walls and drags him off screen. From off screen, we hear a door closing and a chainsaw firing up. Painful cries of anguish are heard for around five to ten seconds, then suddenly end. The screen goes black, then we see a quiet town, the sun is shining, and as the camera pans the street, traffic is very light. The town looks almost like Valrico Florida. We see a boy about Twelve years old, who looks almost like Syd Barrett, cross the street with eaze, and by this, he's running at full speed with his eyes shut and his headphones on. As he walks down the street, we see signs that proclaim that he is in Velasco New York. He then enters through the back door of a Yellow house and heads upstairs, where he proceeds to unwrap two dozen rubbers. He heads outside with his pants down, just in time to see a girl about five foot seven walk past. He jumps in front of her, so that she runs right into his erect penis.)

Andy: Hey baby, want some more?

Girl: (Looks at him) Sorry Andy, I don’t do small ones. In my thirteen years of being here, I’ve done a lot - the male man, the bag boy, I even banged a midget wearing face paint on the marry-go-round just so he’d quit grabbing me for candy, but never have I encountered something this small. It's really fun when your the Fifth grade slut.

Andy: Whatever bitch, you look about sixteen!

Girl: I am.

Andy: Sheesh, did you get raped in preschool by one of your playmates?

Girl: Sure did, Mr. Jones is one crafty individual. When he says "Juice and Cookies" he really means a bubble bath and a glass of wine.

Andy: (Throws a battery at her) Get the hell out of my sight, you sicken me. (Vomits, then leaves. We now see a young man, around 10 years old, sporting a Hulk Hogan hair cut and a body very similar to Bobby Valentino standing in front of the yellow house. he parks an orange bmx bike on the lawn. He then proceeds to remove the seat's cushion and place it in his mouth. After nibbling on it for a few seconds, he rips it out similar to the way a heart gets ripped out in the movies, and in a swift motion, places the cushioned seat back to it's original spot, looking as if no one had used it. He then takes off one of the tires, rips the rubber off in a quick motion, lights it on fire, spits on it, then puts it back on. The card on the screen shows the time frame of thirty minutes later. The bike is now at a dark alley, where the homeless gather to eat glass eyes of the blind and artificial limbs of surviving war veterans. The camera zooms in on a homeless man sitting on a ten foot tall pyle of bricks. He has a bleach blonde hair style, a blue T-shirt that shows Snoopy attacking a dog house designed just like Moe’s Tavern on the front. On the back, it shows Bob Vila urinating into a vaccum cleaner, however it’s not urine, it’s actually Lemon juice. The man has an Axl Rose body type and a face that looks almost like George Steinbrenner. He stands up and does a jackie Chan-esque move in which he does three flips in the air and lands on the pavement, un injured. He finds a cardboard box a few feet away and opens it. Inside, a man with a body type very similar to that of Mike Tyson sleeps in the box. He has a brown T-shirt that shows a picture of Michael Eskew with a mouthful of Cashews, with the caption of “UPS Sucks Monkey testicals” on the front. The homeless man takes the box and throws it up in the air. It flips over and the man falls out and hits the pavement. We now see the back of his shirt, which shows Alvin, Simon and Theodore all with their pants down, pooping in a toilet bowl, with the caption “Alvin And The Shitmunks”. We see two separate rolls of toilet paper on the toilet’s tank. One shows Ross Bagdasarian, and the other one shows David Seville, as he looked in the cartoon series. The two men begin to engage in a vicious brawl, complete with trash can lids, barbed wire, baseball bats, shovels, tire irons, and for some reason, anal thermometers. The homeless man reaches for the second man’s leg and tugs. It comes off smoothly. Feeling self-assured about this exploit, and figuring that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, he goes for the second artificial leg, but is hastily brought to an unexpected halt from the Vet. He is perceptibly not happy.)


Vet: Alright you punk, I’ve had enough of you. (He punches the homeless man square in the face, sending him to the ground. He pins him while he sitts on his chest, holding his attacker’s arms down.) What’s your name, cowboy? (Sniffs) Nevermind, you’re name is Stinky, got it?

Homeless man: I don’t understand.

Vet: How long has it been since you’ve showered?

Homeless man: I was kicked out of my house a month ago, so I’d say about a month or so ago.

Vet: That makes me sick! You know what I’m gonna do to you?

Homeless man: Give me a sandwich and send me on my way?

Vet: Not even close scumbag, you’re way off base. First I’m inviting you to a blanket party. (The homeless man smiles. Minutes later, the screen cuts to a 12 by 10 room. The vet, as well as some other men are gathered around the homeless man, whom they’ve just put to sleep. A blanket is over him.) Okay guys, let’s do this. (All the men reach into their pockets and pick up socks with a bar of soap in each one. They then proceed to hammer away, all over the man. Amazingly, he doesn’t wake up. The time shows forty-five seconds later.) Okay guys, should we give him the G.I. shower now? (All the men agree. The vet kicks the homeless man in the nuts, thus waking him up.) Shower time. (They take him out of the blanket and carry him to a bathroom, where he is violently stripped of his clothing. He is then pinned down by two men. The attack then begins - brillow pads, scrub brushes, sandpaper, and some steel wool. The scene then cuts back to the allie. The Vet and the homeless man are back in the same place where they were before the abuse. The vet stands on the homeless man’s chest.) What’s your name, scumbag?

Homeless man: Jack Williamson.

Vet: Oh really now? Well let me tell you something, Jack, nothing tricky now. You know I'm on top of you!

Jack: No shit, I can’t breathe worth a crap.

Vet: DO NOT attempt to grow a brain! (He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small gold watch with some wires attached to it. After a few seconds, Jack is tied up by a garbage can, wires are wrapped all around him. A red light shines on his face, and he explodes. The Vet puts his fake leg back on and runs off. We now go back to the bike. The bike stands near the alley, with a note attached to it. The note reads "Take this, it is my gift to all of you. Signed, ALBERTO FERGUSON. " The peddles are covered with KY jelly, the seat is covered with Bengay, and the handles are coated with Potassium and carberator cleaner. The young man dashes back to his house, kicks the door in "Cops" style, and takes a Michael Jordan-esque flying leap at the dinner table, landing on it feet first. He then does a swan dive off the table and lands in his seat and waits for his meal. minutes later, several people appear. A man, wearing a yellow “Davis Love The III Sucks golfballs through a garden hoze” T-shirt and has a body type of Stephen King, and has a face very close to that of Roberto Durán sits next to the younger man and serves him some baked Beans and slips him a cigarette lighter. A woman wearing a white T-shirt with an image of Natalie Maines strapped to a table and a pendulum descending from above comes in moments later, filling glasses with Tomato Juice. She then lights the beverages ablaze. She quickly puts the flames out and takes her seat. Andy comes in with a slice of pizza, laced with viagra and red pepper. After the family dig into their meals, dialog begins)

Son: Dad?

Dad: yes, son?

Son: What did we do with Uncle Otto’s splean when he died?

Dad: I think we still have it.

Son: Remember the family reunion when Uncle Tom sliced cousin Don’s throat with the piano wire?

Andy: That was excellent, remember when Toby stol the liver I was eating?

Dad: That was bad, but what was cool was when you kicked him in the balls.

Andy: That was cool, sweet revenge.

Dad: How could I forget? That was hilarious.

Mom: Also, cousin Phil stabbed himself with a butter knife, that was really cool to see that happen.

Dad: You sure? Didn’t Nemo push him on to the knife?

Mom: I don’t think he did, I think Nemo swallowed the Shrimp fork. When he hit the floor and then his tongue shot out of his mouth, I thought I was going to die, it was so funny and perfectly planned out.

Son: Dad, when the icecream man fingered me and shoved that butter knife up my ass, did he say he wanted me to eat what was on it first, or to take it in the ass, then lick it clean?

Dad: I think he wanted you to take it in the ass, then lick it clean.

Son: I remember that day, remember when he did that Andy? You were with me.

Andy: I was, but I wasn’t paying much attention. I was active in wacking a Squirrel with a rolled up newspaper. (The scene changes to Andy wacking a Squirrel with a rolled up newspaper. The screen then splits down the middle so we can see the boy and the icecream man. The icecream man looks exactly like L. Ron Hubbard, only with a beard and sunglasses.)

Ice cream man: Hello little boy, what will it be today, two scoops of chocolate?

Son: Yes sir.

Ice cream man: Okay now, bend over, pull down your pants, and then say how much you want chocolate. (The sceen switches back to the dinner table.)

Dad: Aa that icecream man, I always thought he’d go places. Did you run into him again or something?

Son: Yes, he said he's got this morning show called "ALBERTO FERGUSON In The Morning". He thinks it's so hilarious. I have a sample of it. Now I know you're a big fan of prank calls and such, but this guy is one of those guy's we can't stand.

Mom: A brainwashed Religious nutbag like that Jon Gruden guy?
Son: No, the other kind.

Dad: The guy who thinks he's the most important thing on the block?

Son: Exactly. (Plugs iPod in to sound system and hits "Play".)
ALBERTO FERGUSON: These are the greatest crank calls ever recorded. This is the one where Trent gets trapped in the dumpster. (Minutes pass.) That was a great bit. You could hook me up to a polygraph and I could say I have the greatest crank calls ever, and the needles wouldn't even budge.

Dad: (slams foot on table) Turn this shit off! (The son hits "Stop") Now I can eat in piece. Tomorrow we'll go to his house and kick the shit out of him.

Son: No need to. While he was doing his show, I took his bike and altered it. (He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pic of the bike as it was last seen) And?

Dad: Todd that's good, but how about next time, instead of burning the wheels, dump soap on the wheels and then wait. When he comes out towards his bike, spill a bucket of water all over his path.

Todd: Great idea. what's soap?

Dad: It's some element that blows shit up when you add it to water, it's pretty kick ass. That's how the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant disaster of 1982 took place.

Todd: Wow, where was that?

Dad: Boston. You know that thing about Washington crossing the Delaware? Turns out Washington had a big hard-on for not Lisa, but some girl he was trying to have rough sex with. And he did. Of course, he spent the rest of his life without his penis, but that's another story.


Todd: This is incredible, tell me more.

Dad: Before you were born, there was a man named Sirhan Sirhan from Atlanta, Georgia, and was of Arabic heritage. In 1960, shortly before a boxing match between Eli Gould and Jonathan Doe, Sirhan bet that Doe would win the fight. In the end, Doe lost. Sirhan charged into the ring, and passed Doe a note that said "Drink this for this is wine", and then blew his head off. Before he fell lifelessly to the canvas, Sirhan passed Doe a straw and said in a dying voice, "Drink the red stuff".

Todd: What did it taste like?

Dad: Doe said it tasted like Jell-O.

Todd: Awesome. What's Jell-O?

Dad: Jell-O is a frozen dessert, or what the Arabians call it, ordures.

Todd: Interesting, tell me more. (Todd's watch beeps) Gotta go, Vince the Policeman is on his way to work, he needs a kick right in the tomatoes.

Dad: Go get him, make Daddy proud. (Todd runs outside, grabs a bike chain, ties it to his penis and yanks. He flies through the air very similar to a 747, and lands on the roof of the Velasco Police Department.)


(Velasco Police department, ext. We see the sign that reads "The Velasco PD - To protect the innocent from the Mentally Ill, make sure the mentally ill are where they belong, and to serve donuts to Mayor Hamelton". A man with a George Foreman haircut and a body type like Evel Knievel, clad in a green uniform, enters through the station's revolving door. As he passes through the front office and off to his workspace, he is caught off guard by a box of freshly prepared Boston Cream filled donuts, next to a water cooler, which says “Splash Mountain Enterprizes”.)

Man: Oh man, looking at all those donuts filled with all that cream, reminds me of someone, I don't know who it is though. (Looks at donuts again) Aa ha, now I know. (Takes out magic marker, and draws yellow streaks all over the top of the donuts, making them look like the face of Paris Hilton. As he finishes up, he stands back to admire his work. He picks one up.) Well now look at you, Mrs. Lewinsky, here's my cigar. My name is Rick Salomon, but you can call me "Smooth Slick Rick, the man with the ten inch..." (The door busts open. A man with a Mikhail Gorbachev haircut and a build very similar to R. Lee Ermey charges in at full speed and tackles the man to the ground.) What are you doing here so early, Vince?

Vince: Sorry about that Ray, I was chased by an annoying flower salesman, I almost sent him to the Insane Quarters, but then he kicked me in the balls, calling that place dense, retarded etc. Did I mention he almost hacked my dick off? That stupid assbucket, I hope he slides under a gas truck and tastes his own blood. Now Ray, do you honestly want me to amble around this town and look like the immense Sphinx of Russia and that no legged woman that married Richard Buckley? No thanks, I wouldn’t even consider it.

Ray: Vince, the Sphinx was a eunuch from the day he was born, and Richard Buckley was a homosexual. Don't you remember anything from History class?

Vince: No, but I do know that in Edgar Allan Poe's "Romeo and Juliet", Romeo excises a pound of his own flesh, rolls it up in a joint and gives it to Juliet as his final gift to her. She then smokes it and dies.

Ray: Isn't that how Macbeth ended?


Vince: No, it was Romeo and Juliet, I remember it well. Macbeth ended when all the characters got thrown off the Eiffel Tower, located in Orlando Mississippi. (Another man bursts into the room. He stands about six foot eight and sports a Charles Barkley body type, a face very similar to that of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and he wears a pink Magic Johnson T-shirt.) Good morning Troy, how about the Yankees yesterday?

Troy: They were dry.

Vince: How dry?

Troy: About as dry as Lindsay Lohan's Thanksgiving turkey, and you know what I mean by her thanksgiving turkey, heh heh heh.

Vince: Her private area?

Troy: Yes sir. I wouldn't know from experience though. In all seriousness gentleman, here's what we got going on: but before we get to that, can I tell you what happened to me this morning? (Vince and Ray look right at him( Okay then. On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.

Vince: Nice. Then what happened?

Troy: What happened? He punched me in the face.

Vince: then what?

Troy: He put me in a headlock and slammed my head on the floor, then he kicked me in the nuts. I struck my head on the cable car. I'm surprised I'm still here.

Vince: Then what?

Troy: I told him to clean it up, end of story. Now in all seriousness boys, here's what we have for us today: Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.

Ray: Wow, who put marijuana in your Weedies today? Nah that's a bit redundant. Seriously though, what the hell does all that mean?

Troy: That was just a test to get you fired up. Now here's a very serious question - What does Marcellus Wallace look like?

Vince: Isn't he that nappy-headed, KFC grubbing, watermellon eating, 40 oz drinking, gangster rapper who bags groceries at the Mi-T-Mart? Never mind that he's a white man.

Ray: I thought he was that Arabian guy, you know that guy that's horrible at tipping at restaurants? I had lunch with that guy. Nice guy, but a horrible tipper. Doesn't he know what to do? Before you leave the establishment, you kick the manager hard in the sausage and eggs, you don't give him a few bucks and say "Thanks, that was a great meal". For a really good tip, kick him in the sausage and eggs, then shave his parsley.

Troy: Your both wrong. This guy's a real beauty. He has a long, long history of serious mental illness. According to the head-shrinkers, it seems his parents gave him a very strict, Southern Baptist upbringing, but somewhere along the line he dropped his marbles.

Vince: What do we got to do?

Troy: Take this box filled with rich chocolate brownies. These brownies are laced with cayenne, cough drops and crushed up ex-laxes.

Ray: Then what?

Troy: We’ll attach a note to the box that says, “Happy Birthday, elf milker”. His I.Q. and his shoe size are one in the same. If he dies from this and the D A wants to know what happened, say he choked on his own puke, or as we call it, "the Shel Silverstein method". (Just then, Todd does a Greg Louganis dive off a part of the roof and lands on a pogo stick below. In a daredevil-like move, Todd ascends to the roof again in one motion. A drilling noise is heard, making a sizeable hole in the station's roof. Todd sails through the hole on the pogo stick and lands near the officers.) AA Todd, are you here for my Birthday present?

Todd: Why yes I am. (Todd puts on a steel toedd boot and hits Troy right in the testicles.)

Troy: Thanks Todd. We have worked to do. Run along now, donkey porker.

Todd: Okay then. Piss off, you four-eyed ****.

Troy: Eat shit and die, toilet mouth. (Todd leaves.) Okay gentleman, let's get to work.

Ray: Any more info on this Marcellus character?

Troy: He lives in the Paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty...in all seriousness, he lives at 221 B Baker Street. Let's go get this unreasonable fellow. Once we get him, we'll lock him up and throw away the key! But first, who wants donuts? (They all line up to grab one.) One at a time, ****ers.


(The Leper Colony, int. Several Lepers are gathered at a card table. Instead of the regular suits like clubs, hearts etc, the suits are curse words that have images of famous people. We see the “****” card, which has a picture of Joe Pesci in his Nicky Santoro costume from “Casino”, holding a baseball bat on the front. A hand turns the card over to reveal the card’s back side. We see Al Pacino in his Lefty Ruggiero costume from “Donnie Brasco”.)


Ron: Four of shitheads. (The camera shows the "shithead" card, which shows a picture of the dog from "the Jerk".)

Kent: Hey hey hey, what about my ever growing pyle of niggers? (The camera shows that all of his cards are black with pictures of famous black men on them.)

Ron: I’ll trade you a nigger for a wop. (We see the exchange of a Michael Jackson card for that of a James Gandolfini card. Kent takes the Gandolfini card and spits on it.)

Kent: Pfft. If I want grease, I’ll suck the bbq pit dry, thank you very much. (Gump comes in.)


Gump: Guys, Seth is dead.

Chris: He oes me money. I suppose I'll have to dig him up and pick at his wallet.

Ron: Oh man, how’d he die?

Gump: He was hacked up by a chainsaw.

Chris: Hey hey hey hey, look at my yid pyle. (We see his pyle of “Yid” cards, which are comprised of famous Jewish people. Among the faces we see Jackie Mason, Herschel Schmoikel Krustofski, Anne Frank, Al Jolson, Allan Sherman, Pauly Shore, and Lorne Michaels.) What would Hitler think? He’d probably ask me to throw them in the oven, then stack them up on top of each other. (A hand reaches for him and grabs him by the hair. We here the sound of a grill sizzling, along with some painful screams. We then here a thud.)

Ron: Where do all these guys go once they die? I’d like to find out. To prove it, I’m going to kill myself right now. (He grabs a black card with a pic of Terrell Owens on it and begins to cut himself in many places, but no blood comes out.) Alright, this shit is taking too damn long. (The camera switches to him on a step ladder on top of the colony. He does a swand dive off the ladder and...gets right back up, uninjured.) Damn, guess I’ll have to do this the hard way. (He grabs a bottle of Ambien and scarfs it down. The title card on the screen shows six and a half hours later. Ron is laid out on a bed, his eyes open, and amazingly is stil not dead.) Son of a bitch! This is a hunka hunka burnin’ bullshit dipped in gravy. I’ve tried damn near everything from electrocution, suffication via pillows, Autoerotic Asphyxia, hell I even tried the hoze in the exhaust pipe of the car bit, but that didn’t work. I must be doing something wrong here, but what?



(Our view now pans to 221 B Baker street. Outside, the three officers pose as boyscouts.)

Vince: Okay guys, let’s go over the plan one more time. Ray, you knock on the door, then I’ll do the talking. We’ll say we’re lost and would like some money. Troy, you open the box of brownies and say something like “Take these, it’s all we have for you.” Then when he’s eating the brownies, we cuff him and stuff him in the back of the ol’ paddy waggon. (The camera shows a waggon, painted with pictures of the following people: Patty Bouvier, Patti LaBelle, and Patti Davis. The officers go up to ring the doorbell.) Okay guys, ready? (They give him the thumbs up and wait.)

Ray: What’s he doing, counting his body hair or something?

Troy: We just rang the bell, dumbass. (Marcellus approaches the door. He stands about six foot five and looks almost like Ving Rhames. He has a white shirt with a toomstone that reads “Here lies Vincent Vega” on the front. On the back, it shows Bob Denver in his Gilligan costume, holding a marijuana leaf with the caption “You can’t find this on the island, Skipper.”)

Marcellus: Evening gentleman, may I help you?

Vince: You sure can, peanut head. We’re teenaged Boyscouts who were molested by our scoutmaster.

Ray: (Sobbing) He told us we could have cookies, then he played with our assholes for an hour.

Marcellus: Hmmm, well at least he didn’t leave you totally out to dry, he gave you that box you’re holding, right? (He indicates the box of brownies.) Why haven’t you fellas eaten those brownies yet? Are you afraid of something?

Troy: No, he said we had to share with people we don’t know, and boy are we lucky to have found you, would you like some brownies?

Marcellus: Why not? The more the better. (Marcellus heads to the kitchen and brings out some plates and a knife. He begins to cut the brownies.)

Troy: Damnit, this isn’t working out at all. Can we at least taze him?

Vince: I’m way ahead of ya. (Vince produces something that looks like a fishing poll, but is actually a fully functional tazzer.) Hey Mr. Wallace, after the brownies, can we go fishing?

Marcellus: Sure. Don’t worry, I won’t molest you.

(The Velasco river, night time. We see the four men aboard an Orange boat with the words “The Arizona Bay Express” written on the side. Vince, Troy and Ray have drugged Marcellus so he doesn’t know what is happening. Ray is seen attempting to wreal in a black and gray catfish with the letters “SFJ” on it.)

Ray: Come on now, get in the boat! (The fish pulls away from his line, taking the worm’s head in it’s mouth.) Damn, now I know how Brent O'Brien felt when he wrestled with General Sherman at Wackdish lake. (The scene changes briefly to Homer Simpson wrestling with General Sherman.) Man, this shit is taking forever. I’ll just do it the easy way. (Ray pushes a button on his fishing poll. The fish gets zapped and is now dead.) Aa yes, very simple, just like whiping one’s ass or pissing on one’s front lawn. (Marcellus wakes up.)

Marcellus: Boys, what are you doing? Why don’t you use the regular fishing poll like everybody else does? How many times must I tell you this? You bring me the dead fish, we’ll have it for dinner once it’s late enough.

Troy: Hey Mr. Wallace, how those brownies? (The camera shows that Marcellus’s pants contain a lumpy substance.) A little chocolate thunder or Chocolate Rain? (He and the others crack up.)

Marcellus: (Busting out of his clothing) Alright, that’s it! You guys are nothing more than the life-size loads of snake oil at the Velasco Police Department! I’ll be taking this “fishing poll”, and you’re badges. (Ray takes the fishing poll and wacks Marcellus on the head with it.)

Ray: Got him. Off to the nuthouse with you, Bubba.


(The Paddy waggon, down a dirt road. Ray, Troy and Vince each share a cigar.)

Troy: Oh man, what a day today was. We bagged the most insane man ever in this town. (The camera pans to where Marcellus is, who is hog tied and has a ball gag in his mouth.

Ray: What do ya say we have a little wine? (They each reach for a wine glass and toast the event.) Aa yes, love how it goes down nice and smooth. (The waggon pulls up in front of the Velasco insane quarters, located on 8155 Leykis Drive, 41987.) Here’s our stop. Enjoy you’re new home there, sucker. (Ray stands Marcellus up and super glues a rock to his back with a note attached. the note says “Another jelly bean to add to the jar of black ones.” Ray then kicks him right in his ass crack, sending Marcellus through the air and crashing through a plate glass window.) Aa yes, that took care of him. Now fellas, Let’s go tell the mayor, he’ll be thrilled.

Troy: Hell yeah!

Vince: Let’s rock! (They drive away, leaving a cloud of dust. We now get a good look at the insane quarters. From the outside, we see a gray and blue building with several roof tyles missing, a smashed window, and a door with the phrase “Enas eht Llik” written in what appears to be gravy. Our view zooms out to follow the waggon.)

(Mayor Hamelton’s office, ext. The three officers stand outside a gold door, with a sign reading “Go away, I’m yanking the skin yo-yo.” They knock anyway. After several seconds, they bust in the door with a hammer.)


Vince: Mayor Hamelton, Mayor Hamelton!

Mayor Hamelton: (From behind a curtin, talking on a phone to someone) Yeah, so what happened next? (Gasp) He gave a homeless man a twenty dollar bill? Well now, that’s just disgusting. Yes, yes I know. Is Dave there? Fantastic, put that mess about with tabasco sauce on his face on the phone. (A few seconds later, the screen now splits into two sides. Mayor Hamelton is still behind the curtin, but we now see two men sitting at a desk, watching several fish in a fish tank huddle around the tank’s pump. The camera pulls back to reveal the men’s faces, which are burnt.)

Dave: Is that for me, Chris?

Chris: Yes it is, Dave. (Dave yanks the phone out of Chris’s hand so violently that the cord comes out of it. Dave wacks Chris across the head with the reciever several times.) Oh yeah, do it harder! Harder and faster.

Dave: We’ll do that later. (Plugs phone back in.) Yes Warren? (Music from The Godfather starts to play in the background.)

Warren: Yeah Dave, did you wack that homeless guy in his harry little skin spheres with a tire iron like I asked you to?

Dave: Certainly, decked him right where he pees.

Warren: Beautiful. What about that fat guy at the Pizza shop?

Dave: Yeah, I gave him a slice...

Warren: Sweet...

Dave: Of pizza...Right across the face, while it was still hot and covered in grease.

Warren: Fantastic. What about that Irish man with no tongue? that mute mick is after me, I can tell ya that. What ya do to him? Knock him down a flight of stairs, wack his mother in the cunt with an icecream scoop? Tell me Dave, what ya do?

Dave: Uh yeah him...I gave him a dollar. (Record scratches and the music ends.)

Warren: **** you, Dave. You know you got a big mouth. You make a close, this whole place stinks with your farts for a week - how much you just ingested. Oh, what a big man you are! "Hey, let me buy you a pack of gum. I'll show you how to chew it." Whoof! You're pal closes, and all that comes out of your mouth is bile. Ooh, how ****ed-up you are!

Dave: Thanks Warren, here’s Chris.

Warren: As always, it’s been a pleasure talking with you Dave, but like I always say, I’d rather lower my testicals in a trash compactor than talk to you, but hey, the county is so cheap, we can’t afford to scratch our balls.

Chris: (Grabs the phone the same way Dave did from him. He wacks Dave on the head with the phone a couple of times.) Just a few more minutes, love button. (Plugs phone back in) So Warren, I had a great experience during my flight to what I call, Paradise.

Warren: go ahead.

Chris: I was on my way to- (Suddenly, a little man around four feet tall jumps on the desk and holds up a sign that reads “Candy Mountain” right in front of Chris’s face.) Damnit Chuck, we’re not going to Candy Mountain yet, keep your damn pants on.

Chuck: Fine then, I’ll go stick my dick in that blender over there in the corner. (Jumps off desk.) Aa the floor, a midgets best friend, a dwarf’s worst enemy.

Chris: So Warren, back to my story. I was on my way to a beautiful place, where they drill holes in you the size of a penny, and then stick a live rat in each one. So while I’m on the flight, this little kid behind me kicks my seat so hard, one of my kidneys flies out and hits a dude right in the face. For the next five minutes, he’s rolling around on the floor going “Aa, my eyes! My beautiful eyes!” Then like three other dudes come out and try to help him, so you know what I did? I took out a hatchet and stuck them all in the chest with it. I said to the guy on the ground “Quit being such a whimp. You know that somewhere at this very moment, a homeless man is getting forty dollars by someone like you and me? You know how much of a problem that is?


Warren: Look Chris, I’ll talk to you soon. (hangs up.) Are you guys from the Pizza shop four blocks away? Amazing how you piss buckets are usually late.

Vince: No Warren, it’s us, the Velasco PD, here to tell you that...

Warren: I’m fired aren’t I? Why did I donate forty dollars to that homeless organization? I should’ve kicked them in the nads like I always do.

Vince: No, this is good news. You know that Marcellus Wallace guy? We got rid of him, he’s in the nuthouse now. (The camera now goes behind the curtain. The Mayor is scene with a cigar in his mouth, his feet on the desk. His cigar ash is almost on it’s way out, heading towards an ink blot. He looks almost like Montgomery Burns, only without the liverspots and false teeth.)

Warren: (impersonating Montgomery Burns) Excellent. (The officers leave. His ash now falls on the ink blot, which starts to flare up. After the smoke clears, we see Ted Turner holding a bat, striking a wax statue of Larry King with the caption "Goodbye You Lizard Scum".)

(The Leper Colony, day. Ron, Donnie and Vin are playing “Twister”.)

Vin: Left foot green. (Ron places his left foot on green, a little too hard though, as it flies off.) Oh shit, want me to get that for ya Ron?

Ron: Yeah sure. I wonder if this trend of murdered Lepers will continue.

Vin: I don’t know, but I’ll bet you anything that someone who works here is somehow plotting against us.

Donnie: Now you’re being silly.

Vin: Is that so? I respectfully disagree. Remember Julius Ceaser? His friends were plotting against him. I've got a bad feeling about this one, gentleman.

Ron: You said the same thing about the gass leak we had four months ago. turns out Gump was eating a bucket of baked beans for breakfast every day.

vin: Oh come on, that was uncalled for.

Donnie: Your face is uncalled for, so suck on that one.

(Cut to outside where we see Gump on a payphone.)

Gump: Yes, I need Mayor Hamelton. (Silents, then) Aa Warren, pleasure to talk to you. (The screen splits in two again. Warren is seen in his usual setting, Gump is frantically throwing quarters in the payphone’s slot. Music from The Godfather is heard yet again.) So yeah, what to talk about?

Warren: You get those Lepers hacked up good? You know that nothing makes me happier than seeing an image of a horribly dismembered Leper show up in my inbox.

Gump: Rest assured Warren, you're a good man. I'd like to put it this way: I'm George W. Bush, and You're Michael D. Brown. Good sir, you're doing a heck of a job. Now Warren, I got a Leper who is driving me insane. I’m thinking about getting him good with a cheese grator.

Warren: Aa yes, that’s perfect.

Gump: I’ll get him at sunset tonight. If he sees me with the grator, I’ll be screwed.

Warren: Wack him with a tire iron, it’s a no fail solution.

Gump: You sure?

Warren: Trust me Gump, it’s worth it.

Gump: Thank you Warren, oh wise one. (Gump hangs up and the music stops. Gump turns away from the phone and heads back to the colony. He spots a purple door that reads “Recreation room”. He opens the door to find Ron, Kent and Donnie sitting around a table drinking coffee.)

Ron: Boy, it sure is hard knowing that Seth is no longer around.

Kent: He was a cool guy, remember when his eyeball fell in the spaghetti sauce? Boy, me and him had a great laugh about that.

Donnie: Last time I saw him, I called him a ****head, something I regret. Did he commit suicide?

Gump: (Playing innocent) Maybe he did, hell if I know. I think he did it with a chainsaw. By the time I went to investigate, his body was somehow missing. I’ve searched high and low, and haven’t found anything.

Ron: Wait a sec, are you trying to say you know what happened? (Vin comes in with a cart of dead leper parts.) Vin, what the hell is that for?

Vin: (Sobbing) It’s all they found of Seth.

Gump: Tiz a pitty, I was really starting to take a liking to him. Oh well, at least I’ll have his hacked up limbs to remember him by. I’ll put them right next to Chris’s kidneys, he would’ve wanted it that way.

Ron: Somehow I doubt the two of you are being sincere about this matter. I’ve always thought you were a couple of douches, but now, after spilling your guts, I think I know what your doing. Now tell me Gump, where is Seth’s body?

Gump: I ain't telling you shit, boy. (He stands up, throws his chair across the floor Bobby Knight style and runs out.) Hehehe, fools, utter fools. Donnie will be next.

(Back to the room.)

Ron: Vin, how did you obtain those parts?

Vin: You pose too many damn questions, Morrison.

Ron: My last name is Spicoli, dumbass. See you at dinner, assface.

Vin: yeah right, over my dead body. I can only hope and pray the shrimp you'll be eating will go down the wrong tube.


(Velasco Insane Quarters, int. We see a hallway with yellow walls. One shows a picture of Albert Einstein, however it is wripped beyond beleif, with the words “Fight The Real Enemy” scrawled above it. Marcellus walks by, looking for someone to explain why he is here. He walks up to a man who stands about five foot two, and looks like DB Cooper. He sports a White T-shirt that shows a woman holding a gun up to Tom Higgenson’s head, with the caption “For the last time, I’m not Delilah!”)


Marcellus: Sir, do you work here?

Man: Yes I do, and I’ll give you a little secret. I’m actually a mole sent here to try and take this place down. Perfectly intelligent people are being turned into morons, but how? Most importantly, why?

Marcellus: Well, I think that’s for us to figure out. I was sent here by the Velasco PD. They say I’m insane, when we should look at what they do.

Man: Come with me to the main room, I bet we can catch them in the act. Better yet, I bet we can find someone who is being misled and attempt to bring them back to reallity.


(The main room, int. It’s about the size of an average workout gym, only instead of various exercise elements, we see computers. A chubby man who looks like David Gillmore sits at a computer, clicking on various websites. Marcellus and the man sneek up behind him.)


Marcellus: (To the man at the computer) Sir, what’s your name?

Man: Eric Mund.

Marcellus: Just how educated are you?

Eric: Very.

Marcellus: Okay, well my partner and I will be giving you a series of questions.

Man: My name’s John by the way.

Eric: (Under his breath) Oh boy, I can hardly wait.

Marcellus: Okay, let’s go. In 1775, this man rode on a horse and warned people that the British were coming.

Eric: Ted Quivers.

John: Nope, the correct answer was Paul Revere. This location was bombed on December 7, 1941.

Eric: North Park, Colorado.

Marcellus: The correct answer was Pearl Harbor. Although he was never seen in public, he developed the concept of cells.

Eric: Adolf Nixon.

John: Nope, the correct answer was Robert Hooke.

Marcellus: Eric, we’ve asked you three questions, and you haven’t been able to get any of them right. Where are you getting your information from?

Eric: (Quickly reaches for the power strip to the computer and turns it off.) I’m afraid I can’t tell you.

Marcellus: Well sir, I think we’ll just have to educate you ourselves. Come on John, let’s go. (They leave. The card on the screen now reads “Four hours later.” We now go to the Velasco Library, int. Marcellus and John have Eric in a room reading books.) What happened on March 5, 1770?

Eric: The Boston Massicur.

John: Excellent. Who freed the slaves in 1865?


Eric: Lincon.

Marcellus: Super. Elvis Presley died where?

Eric: Grace Land in Memphis Tennessee.

John: Perfect. Eric, congradulations, you can join the ranks of society now. However, it’s not very safe here, where would you like to go?

Eric: Valrico Florida.

John: Okay then, but don’t come crying to us when you can’t find much to do there. (Eric leaves.) Now what do we do, re educate the whole town one by one?

Marcellus: No, we can re educate them as a whole, follow me.

(the bright yellow house, night time. Andy and Todd are watching TV.)

Announcer: We now return to our block of Christmas specials in June. Featuring Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Alvin: Okay guys, from the top. Ready?

Simon: Let’s go.

The Chipmunks: (Singing) Christmas, Christmas time is near, we need hot chicks, guns and beer. We were good, but that’s the past, we want lots, and lots of ass. (Record scratches and the music stops. Dave Seville enters, armed with a shotgun.)

Dave: Uh boys, that’s not exactly what I had in mind. (Cocks gun) You know, you ****ers have been mooching off of me for damn near fifty years, and I don’t like it! (Raises shotgun above his head) Either change your lyrics, or I’ll blow your ****ing heads off! (Lowers gun) Nah, perhaps I'm being too hasty. (Raises gun again) Oh I know. Boys, if you don’t change your lyrics, I’ll unleash Polly the bitchy cat in here to wrip you ****ers up into little bits of Presidents Choice cat food, and I’ll make damn sure that said cat food will contain excessive amounts of wheat gluten!

Simon: Oh shit, he’s serious.

Alvin: We’d better regroup. (The card on the screen shows five minutes later.) Dave, we have an idea. We’ve all agreed that what we want to do is rid the world of those dirty, rotten snow shovelers. We love the snow, plus it’s fun to make yellow snow.

Dave: So, what’s your plan?

Alvin: We right real Christmas songs, put out an album and then we make it so that it plays after someone comes in from shoveling snow. They hear us, they have a massive heart attack, they die, we get ritch, we don’t have to say another word for the rest of our lives.

Dave: Fantastic idea boys, let’s get busy. Once we rid the world of snow shovelers, the world will be ours! Bwahahahahaha! (Lightning strikes.)

Todd: That explains what happen to our nextdoor neighbour.

Andy: I miss him, remember when he tied me to the heater with nothing on? Aa, such memories.

Announcer: And now, a word from our sponsor. (The TV now shows a five foot eight man dressed in a black suit and a green tie. He looks exactly like John Bunnell.)

Donald Kinison: Hi, I’m Donald Kinison, and I have just been declared mentally ill.

Andy: Cool, mentally ill ****.

Todd: Kill yourself!

Donald Kinison: this is commonly known as working at the local Pizza place. For seven months now, I’ve been nice to customers every day, I serve Pizza right, I’ve never stolen anything from anyone, and suddenly, Troy Robertson of the Velasco PD came and took me away. (Troy watches from his office.)

Troy: This Troy Robertson guy sounds like the kind of guy you’d like to have a few beers with.

Donald Kinison: Well folks, I’m here live with my good friend Marcellus, who has a very important message for each and everyone of you. (Marcellus enters.)

Marcellus: Thank you Donald. I would like to ask all of you to gather your text books and meet me at the Velasco river at 8 PM tomorrow night. (Pause.) That is all.

(The Leper Collony, night time. Ron, Vin, Kent, Donnie and Gump are having dinner.)

Kent: Damn, this Apple Juice is green for some reason. (As he drinks it, his eyes go red.)
Wow, from down here, all you guys look like Democrats. (Pause) You guys are jackasses!


Ron: Gump, this shrimp is extraordinarily appetizing, I love it. But do tell, what else can you do with shrimp other than envelop it with hot sauce as you so have?

Gump: Well Ron, you probably didn’t know this. Your Mother is a big assed whore with VD. Now for something you know, shrimp is the fruit of the sea.

Ron: What do you mean fruit of the sea? Is that why it’s pink?

Gump: Like I was sayin', you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it.

Donnie: Is that all you can do with Shrimp? You left out shoving it up your ass, using it as a condom, spanking someone with it, and most importantly, using it as toilet paper.

Gump: Well yes, but you know what kind of shrimp is out there? There’s shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. Pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, and shrimp sandwich. That's about it.

Donnie: Hmmm, that sounds very familiar.

kent: (Stoned off of the Apple juice) That’s what your Mother said last night, Chris.

Gump: (Quickly) No it doesn’t.

Ron: I agree with donnie, that speech sounds like something in a movie.

Kent: yeah, the movie called “I Stuck My Flesh Bone In Your Mother”.

Gump: yeah sure. Does it really matter my name just happens to be Bubba Gump? Does that have anything to do with anything?

Vin: Yeah, it kind of does. Whose your next door neighbour, Jenny Curran?

Kent: She’s got a tight ass, and sweeeeeet lips.

Gump: How do you know about Jenny?

Donnie: I know her number.

Gump: The hell you don’t.

Donnie: I do, I have it in my cell phone in my folder of “Girls I have yet to sodomize and torture.”

Gump: If you say it’s 867-5309...

Donnie: That’s her number, you and I both know it. You gave it to me one night after you got drunk off of that stuff that had the image of the pig pissing on a towel rack.

Gump: (Grabs Donnie by the neck with his napkin covered in cocktail sauce) Why you no good, double crossing, back stabbing, weasel squeezing gimp! I’ll claw your eyes out and feed them to you, so you can see just how full of shit you are.

Ron: Not to mention internal organs, blood, various elements of the periodic table, etc.

Gump: (Waving his fork in front of Ron’s face) Shut up, you’re just as guilty for listening!

Ron: I’m adding to the conversation, aren’t I?

Gump: You are, but at the same time, you’re pissing me the **** off!

Donnie: Better to be pissed off than pissed on. (Scene changes to that of Gump holding Donnie over a pit of razor blades and thumb tacks.) Uh, about that, I was just having some fun, I didn’t mean to offend you. come on, forgive me!

Gump: I have had enough of you! (As he says the final word, he wacks Donnie on the ass with a tire iron, dropping him even faster. Donnie then lands on the pyle and begins to bleed. Gump drops a cheese grator on Donnie which begins to slice and dice him. We now go to Mayor Hamelton's office. A woman busts down his door.)

Woman: Warren Hamelton?

Warren: That's me.

Woman: Warren, let me explain who I am. I simply go by the code name of Stacy.

Warren: What are you, a robot?

Stacy: I have watched your progress as Mayor for the past two days, and honestly (Grabs him by the hair) I think you’re one of the most egotistical, self-centered, narcissistic...oh **** it! (Spits in his hair which now has a rusty nail in it) You’re an asshole! (She throws his chair out the window, with him still in it.)

Warren: (As he’s falling to the ground) I’ll get you for this, libretard!

(The Leper Collony, breakfast room. Vin, Ron, Kent, Jim, and the Guard from earlier are seen having breakfast together.)

Vin: These eggs remind me of Seth’s internal organs.

Kent: Hey Vin, you wanna shut up about that?

Vin: This Tomato juice reminds me of Seth’s blood.

Jim: Gross, and just when I was going to drink my applejuice, you monkey!

Ron: Hey buddy, we’re having Breakfast, in case ya didn’t notice.

Guard: Don’t make me beat the shit out of you, Vin.

Vin: Let’s see you try me then, Joseph Saint-Amour.

Guard: Don’t you dare compare me to some guy who died back in the sixties at the age of damn near 110, asshole!

Vin: What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!

Guard: Not on my watch. (Grabs a knife and holds it to Vin’s throat.) Any last words?

Vin: Yeah...you’re sister rides bicycles without seats! (Gump runs up behind the guard and kicks him in the balls, sending him backwards and causing him to drop his knife.) Outch. Damn Gump, what the ****!

Gump: (Grabbing the guard’s face) Don’t you ever lay a hand on Vin. If you do, I’ll positively kill you!


Guard: No you wouldn’t, you couldn’t kill a dried up egg on a tampax!

Gump: Yes I could, and fyi, I’ve killed before. Flies, Republicans, Democrats, hippies, etc. I killed the masked man, Seth, Donnie, and Chris, and if things go the way they have, you’ll be next!

Guard: It was you?

Gump: Who else do you think it would be? Didn’t you think anything different when I served you that burger with the cocktail sauce?

Ron: (Jumpping up) So you mean to tell us that cocktail sauce was actually blood?

Gump: Hell yeah! Vin showed me how to do it!

Ron: Aa ha, I knew it! (Marcellus Wallace and John enter.)

Marcellus: Ron Spicoli?

Ron: Right here. who are you?

Marcellus: I’m Marcellus Wallace, pleasure to meet you. I’m here to investigate about the recent murders that Gump has committed.

Ron: Hmmm, are you sure you know what your dealing with? He’s dangerous.

Marcellus: It’s fine, I got it under control. Before I can do that, I need to go to Velasco and investigate one Mayor Warren Hamelton for his actions.

Gump: Warren is a good friend of mine, don’t you talk shit about him!

Marcellus: I will do whatever I want to do. (Our view now pans to outside. We see a man about six foot five come into view. He looks almost like John Denver. He sports a yellow T-shirt that shows Santa on his sleigh, but there’s smoke coming out the back of it, and instead of toys, he’s got bags of drugs. The caption reads “It’s a Merry Columbian Christmas”. He knocks on the front door.)

Man: Uh...hello?

Guard: How can I help you?

Man: Yes, I’m the building inspector for the county. I thought I’d stop by, see the owner of this place, and tell him that, quite Frankly, if he doesn’t pay the state his outstanding debt he has on this place, by the end of this month, we’re going to have to take this place away from him. Yes, working for the government does have it’s advantages you know. There’s nothing like taking a man’s house after he doesn’t pay good ol’ Uncle Sam, or taking away a man’s car for not paying the bills on time.

Guard: Hold on a sec. Gump, the head of this place should be in his office, I’ll go check.

Man: Thank you. (The guard walks away. Moments later he comes back with Gump closely behind.)

Gump: Yeah, who is this guy, Chip?

Chip: This guy says he’s the building inspector of the county.

Gump: The hell he is.

Man: I am. Mr. Gump is it? I’ll be brief about this matter. You’ve been running this place for how long?

Gump: 4015 Days, which adds up to exactly eleven years, sunshine.

Man: Gump, need I remind you that you’ve never done one physical repair on this property? You do realize that one of your windows is broken. Must I also tell you that you have an unbelieveable amount of dog shit right next to this place? For crying out loud, not only is it drawing flies, the flies are getting eaten by other flies. I’m sure that stuff has dried up.

Gump: Well yeah, after you’ve left it out for as long as I have. I’m going for the record. So far, I’m up to fourteen days, nineteen hours, thirty seven minutes, and eighteen seconds exactly. Talk about a world record.

Man: Ewww, gross. You don’t see a problem with that?

Gump: No.

man: You bought this place knowing that someone was murdered at this spot a hundred days before the sale was final, right?

Gump: Yeah, but I like where it is.

Man: Well, I’m the building inspector, so basically, I have the final say on this issue. Get your property off of that burial ground of one Charles Burns, clean up that dog shit, repaint this place, and we’ll be fine. Oh and also, for the love and respect for the neighbours, would you mind putting some damn pants on? Thanks.

Gump: How about this: No I won’t, no you can’t make me, and piss off. It’s my body, I’ll do what I want with it.

Man: (He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a bill) Well Mr. Gump, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this: if you don’t pay, in cash, exactly $45000000 by the end of this month, you won’t have a place to work at, you’ll be out of house and home, and all your lepers will be without a place to live, making them worse off than they were while living here.

Gump: Blah blah blah blah blah blah, you're anoying me now.

Man: Yeah. Either pay, or you don’t stay. (Throws the bill at him and leaves.)

Gump: Prick. Mindless, self-centered prick.

(The Bright Yellow house, day. Andy, Todd, his Dad, and his Mom are gathered around the TV set. marcellus stands at a pa system.)

Marcellus: Citizens of Velasco New York, the time has come for change.

Dad: Interesting...

Todd: This guy is starting to piss me off already.

Marcellus: How many of you were told that George Washington crossed the Dellaware to have sex with a girl? (All the citizens in Velasco cheer.) Well, I’m here to tell you that...you are all wrong! He crossed the Dellaware to fight the British!

Todd: Dad, how could you!

Dad: Oh shut up, you know you were dropped on your head as a child.

Andy: Come to think of it, I did read that about Washington.

Marcellus: There was a man named not Ted Quivers, but rather Paul Revere, during his famous ride of 1775. (A reporter points at him) yes, you over there with the bald head?

Fred Carlin: Yes, Fred Carlin of the Velasco shopper. We ran a full-page story about that, however, a man who just went by the name of Greg Carlson made us change it. We want revenge!

Marcellus: We shal get revenge! Now, any other questions? Yes, you with the hockey mask.

Stacy: I would like to say something. I’ve had the worst job ever for the past eight months. I’ve had to deal with Warren almost on a day-to-day basis. He’s the most annoying man ever to grace this Earth, I’d like nothing more than to shove him through a meat grinder while he’s still alive. I’ve tried to have reasonable conversations with him about this that and the other, he never takes any advice. It’s no wonder this place is the way it is. You get someone in that office with a ****ing brain, things will change.

Marcellus: Thank you for that. Anyone else? Yes, you in the Krispy Kream T-shirt.

Hannibal Limbaugh: Hannibal Limbaugh of the Velasco Sports section. I was also wronged by a man by the name of Greg Carlson, and Warren Hamelton as well. He told me my head looked like cabbage dunked in shit!

Marcellus: My friend, we are going to invade Warren’s office in a few minutes, be patient please. Yes, you in the green tie-dye shirt.

Stewey Cartman: Yes, Stewie Cartman of the Entertainment today section. Warren Hamelton told me that if I didn’t write anything positive about his high school, he’d murder me in my sleep!

Marcellus: Point taken. Yes, you in the gold shirt with the black pants?

Nick Bruce: Yes, I just want to say that ALBERTO FERGUSON supports Warren Hamelton. So if my logic is correct, ALBERTO FERGUSON is a douchebag.

Marcellus: Correct. Next, you in the Taco Bell shirt?

Billy Pryor: yes, Billy Pryor of the Sunday Morning Velasco Express. Greg Carlson also wronged me.

marcellus: We understand. Last question, you in the red shirt and the white pants.

Joe Leykis: Joe Leykis, I work with ALBERTO FERGUSON. He’s got really really bad halitosis.

Marcellus: Thank you, no further questions. I will close by saying I encourage all of Velasco to come out and support me in my fight against Warren Hamelton and Greg Carlson.

(Velasco Middleschool, ext. We see that it looks just like South Park Elementary school, detail by detail. Our view pans into a classroom where a History class is in session. A teacher who looks exactly like Principal McVicker is in the middle of a lecture.)

Teacher: And that’s when George Washington realized his true meaning in life. He chose to be a wood carver. (Grabs a handful of pills and scarfs them down.) Any questions?

Boy: (Raises hand) Uh Mr. McVicker, that’s not what this text book says. (He holds up a book entitled “Glencoe American History”) This book clearly says that Washington and his men were involved in the American Revolutionary War for eight years from 1775-1783.

Mr. McVicker: (Gives the Hitler sign) Shut up, little Timmy! That book is lying to you! (The PA system behind him crackles.)

Marcellus: Attention Velasco Middleschool students, this is your new principal Marcellus Wallace. Your teachers are lying to you. The books are lying to you. So that is why I personally switched out all the old text books for new ones that actually tell the truth about history.

Mr. McVicker: This guy is off his rocker. Get me my gun.

Marcellus: My plan is to turn this insane society into a normal one.

Mr. McVicker: This guy is pissing me off! He’s lying!

Marcellus: Education is the most important thing ever, and with out education, you’re letting ignerents take over your brain.

Mr. McVicker: Blah blah blah blah, save your talk for Church, coonboy.

Marcellus: Oh and to Mr. McVicker, you have a new student named Brandy Benegas coming to your class.

Mr. McVicker: Oh great, just what we need, another ignerent fool. (Brandy enters. She has red hair, stands about five foot eleven and looks almost like Oprah Winfrey.) Alright you, take your seat! (She does so) Okay people, listen up! We have a new student here named Brandy. (Pause) I said, we have a new student here named Brandy! (“Brandy” by The Looking Glass plays) You all know what this means, time to give her a welcome she’ll never forget. (All the students climb on their desks and begin to dance to the music. Half way through the number, they all yank their pants down and expose themselves and begin to masturbate in her general direction. Marcellus walks by and is shocked at what he sees. He pounds on the door and suddenly, everything stops. The students quickly pull their pants back up and take their seats.) Come in.

Marcellus: Am I losing my mind here? Just what the hell do you think your doing?

Mr. McVicker: (Quickly grabs for a candy bar and stares at a flag of Mexico) Learning about Cuba and having some food.

Marcellus: Are you trying to fool me or something? I saw you and your students masturbating in the general direction of the new student. Talk about a tromatic experience.

Mr. McVicker: I’ll give you tromatic, reading that The Birdman of Alcatraz" was really named Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Marcellus: You sir, are the most ignerent man ever to walk the face of the Earth. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a hero, which is far more than what can be said about you.

Mr. McVicker: I’m not a hero? I once pulled a spider web out of my leg using a bee’s stinger.

Marcellus: There’s no hope for you, or is there?

Mr. McVicker: You’re head looks like a coconut deep fried in horse crap.

Marcellus: I don’t know what else to do, other than lower myself to your level and do some name calling of my own. But I won’t. Instead, I will try and reeducate your whole class myself.

Mr. McVicker: I’ll take that up with the principal, numbnuts.

Marcellus: Oh really? I am the Principal, got it?

Mr. McVicker: You lie like John Stewart.

Marcellus: Okay sir, enough is enough. Now kids, who can tell me in what year did Washington become President? (An extremely fat kid raises his hand) Yes?

Fat boy: (Talking through a mouthful of Pringles) Uh, 1789.

Marcellus: Correct. However, I’m going to deduct points for talking with a mouthful of food.

Mr. McVicker: Oh great, upset the fat kid why don’t ya? Hey, let’s play dodgball. (Produces a dodgball from his desk) here Piggy, let’s see your glasses withstand this. (He goes to throw it, but Marcellus takes it.) Hey, give that back, mean bucktoothed black man!

Marcellus: Okay kids, I’m going to do a civilization exercise. We will discuss History one by one. Whoever wants to talk, raise your hand. I will then give you the ball, very similar to the conk shell used in William Golding’s epic novel “Lord Of The Flies”. (The fat boy raises his hand again) Yes, you want to say something? (He tosses the ball to him and he catches it)

Fat boy: Here’s a question I have, do you think Richard Nixon did the right thing by leaving office?

Mr. McVicker: don’t answer that, the boy is lying. Nixon stayed in office until he died of stress in 1984.

Marcellus: No, he left office on August 8, 1974 do to stress from the Watergate scandle. You see kids, this is why your teacher is going to be fired. (Hands McVicker a pink slip)

Mr. McVicker: Oooh, how pretty.

Marcellus: Uh, it’s not that pretty, look at what the slip says. (Camera shows the slip reads “Your fired”)

Mr. McVicker: Elephants will throw peanuts at your corpse? Sheeesh, at least I’ll be dead.

Marcellus: No, it says that your fired.

Mr. McVicker: No it doesn’t. What does fired mean? I don’t feel anything hot in here.

Marcellus: It basically means you are no longer employed here. (Mcvicker shoots him a puzzled look) You won’t teach anymore in this school. (Yet another puzzled expression) Get out of here! (He opens the door and gives him the Bob Barker shove.)


(The Leper Colony, daytime. Gump watches the highlights of the confrence on the internet.)

Gump: This is bullshit! (He goes to a website, but the letters are blacked out. He plugs in a microphone and begins to communicate with Greg Carlson, who we cannot see.) Yeah Greg, can you believe what’s happening?

Greg Carlson: No, and I won’t stand for it! Warren Hamelton is a good friend of mine, why would he leave me out to dry?

Gump: Didn’t know he did that just to you.

Greg Carlson: I had a group of friends once, Warren joined up and hung around for awhile. Then he suddenly left without any explination. When he left, AJ jumped out of a window and died.

Gump: That’s a shame. I know Warren personally, he’s never been like this.

Greg Carlson: Well rest assured: leave it to me. I’ll take care of everything, with or without him. (We see where Greg Carlson is. He is in a dark room and his face is covered by a blanket. He grabs a shotgun, sticks it in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Gump is speechless. As he whipes away a tear, Vin enters.)

Vin: Gump, can I talk to you about Warren?

Gump: Go ahead.

Vin: Warren just called me, he’s upset as hell. We better go to Velasco and support him.

Gump: We should. Where are Ron and Kent?

Vin: They left to join the rally in support of Warren’s fall as Mayor of Velasco.

Gump: We can’t let that happen.

Vin: Can’t let what happen?

Gump: Warren lose his job as Mayor to that pest. Come on, we got to get them back and make them know that Warren is the man!

Vin: I’m not wavering from my path to support him, but they do have a bigger crowd than we do.

Gump: Yeah welll, George Washington was able to win the Revolutionary war, and he had less men than the British. Think like Washington, think like Washington!

Vin: Maybe your right. Hey, after the rally, I’m gonna go to a movie theater.

Gump: Are you sure you want to do that? It’s not like you freed the slaves there, Lincon.

Vin: Yeah, but don’t you think a reward is in order for all the hard work we’ve done?

Gump: Aa yes, I suppose your right. Let’s go and help out our friend.


(Outside Mayor Hamelton’s office. A crucifix is set up.)

Marcellus: Mayor Hamelton, the people of Velasco have all changed, and they want you dead.

Warren: No they don’t.

Velasco Citizens: Yeah we do!

Ron: Whose Greg Carlson?

Kent: Why have you been lying to people all these years about history and other forms of general knolege?

Warren: I have a good question for you - why does your face look like someone took a shit, then rubbed the shit with a cheese grator?

Kent: Don’t make me kill you with my fingernails.

Stacy: I’m one step ahead of you.

Vin: Hey hey hey! Why you gotta be like that! Me and Warren go waaay back, when we grinded up some dead guy back in the day.

Warren: That was awesome.

marcellus: You sir sicken me to no end. Can we please just hammer this man to the cross already?

Gump: Come on Vin, we can somehow convince them Warren is a good guy.

Vin: It’s too late! (He cries his eyes out, literally. Both his eyes pop out of his head and slowly make there way to the pavement. Once they do, they pop like Pop Secret, blood gushing from the empty sockets. His head begins to fall off, little by little. It hits the pavement and breaks like an egg being dropped off a very tall building, and he dies.)

Gump: Ewwww, gross!

Kent: I lost a finger last week, and earlier this morning I lost a toe down the shower drain, and I nearly killed myself shaving, but that's...that's just disgusting.

Warren: Gump! Before I die, tell them everything!

Gump: Can’t you talk?

Warren: Yeah, but my tongue is going to be cut out, which means you have to talk for me and stuff.

Gump: Fine. (As he begins to make his speech, several people hold Warren down.) I first met Warren in 1974 at a bar called Fizal’s. We talked, one thing led to another, and the next thing we knew, we met this guy named James. Years went by and we didn’t see each other. In 1987, Warren got into a horrible fishing accident, which cost him the use of his eyes. Years later, I got a postcard from James, saying how he and Warren were exchanging e-mails. One thing led to another, and James had a website. He changed his name to Greg Carlson, and his site was all of a sudden the greatest thing ever. Warren then started writing false news stories, sending them to Greg Carlson, and telling him that they were fact. So Greg Carlson published them on his site, and you all know how popular the net is. Well for awhile, Greg Carlson was looking for a new logo for the site. When should I show the logo Warren?

Warren: After I die. (After he says this, Stacy takes a nail and cuts his tongue out. All of the mob gang up on him and give him the beating of a lifetime. When all is said and done, he is nothing more than a bloody mass of bones. Gump climbs to the top of Mayor Hamelton’s office and stands on the very edge. Several hours pass, he still hasn’t moved.)

Marcellus: I know how we can get him down. Todd, can I borrow your iPod?

Todd: Certainly. (He passes the iPod to Marcellus. Marcellus places it in the sound system and waits.)

Marcellus: here you go Gump, listen up! (“Jump” by Van Halen plays. The mob begins to dance in time with the music.)

Gump: Alright alright alright...stop the ****ing music! (The music continues) Hey hey hey! Turn that shit off or I’m gonna jump and kill you all! (The music stops) I’ll come down, but before I do, can I show you the logo?

Crowd: Yes!

Gump: Okay, here it is. (We see a spine bent out of shape to form a W. We now see a lung that looks just like an I. We now see an arm and two legs, sticking out to form a K. We see the same lung again for another I. We see a lung bent a little at the top and sort of kurled down so it forms a P. We see another spine, only it is coiled up in the shape of an E. We see an eye formed into a D shape. For the third time, we see the same lung used as an I, only this time, the lung is blackened. We now see a dismembered nose to form the A.) What do you think?

Marcellus: I cannot approve at all. Human body parts to make a bad logo for a website full of absolute horridness? I do not understand, nor do I want to.

Troy: Bubba Gump, you’re under arrest! And as for you Stacy, even though you did get rid of him for us, you’re still under arrest for the murder of the Mayor.

Stacy: I had to put up with him for a very long time, is it alright if I just move in as Mayor?

Ray: Fine, but that’s the last time we let anyone who committed murder in front of a whole town off the hook.

(Words now move by across the screen: Epologue. Stacy was successful in making Velasco New York a functioning town with normal people, and was also successful in passing the Warren act, which sent people to Mexico who spoke positively of Warren Hamelton. Ron and Kent participated in an experiment in which to cure lepercy, in which it worked. Jim soon became the only man ever in The Guinness World Records to be able to eat a bag of grapes, while at the same time, watch a seven hour autopsy of a man who weighed in at two thousand pounds. Chip, the guard soon moved to Velasco and became Stacy's secretary. Gump was sent to the Electric chair, and at his execution was given five dry sponges. marcellus bought a house next to the bright yellow one and encouraged Todd and Andy to play basketball for the Velasco Middle school team.)

- The End