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Cupcake · 4 Weeks Ago

"Morning came early, his alarm drilling into his brain, beep beep beep, beep beep beep, like a small jackhammer for mice construction workers. His hand came down hard on the torturous device, jolting him into semi wakefulness."

I would like you to take that part out please or make it less descriptive. I am still recovering from waking up yesterday morning.

dogboy · 4 Weeks Ago

Haha...isn't that all of us. Can you tell that's exactly what my alarm does around 6:15 every damn morning....groan!

dogboy · 4 Weeks Ago

Thanks Dawes. I sent a copy to my old college room mate and he liked it as well. He remarked about the pace, and said the pace added to the darkness. He asked how I did it, and honestly, I don't know. I think it's just my style, in part, how I think. The strangest thing is that Mikie, since I created him, has really gotten under my skin. I think this is what actors talk about when their character becomes them, and it takes days or weeks to shake them after the last performance.

Of course, there is a part of Mikie in me, like Stephen King's, "The Dark Half". That's an interesting story, because the protagonist is a writer, writing with his special pencils as I recall. Now that the story is finished, it's like a good friend has left the house and gone back to his home, in another state.

I think that all of the books I have read over the years have left their imprint on me, unconsciously. The trick is to re-invent, and be fresh and different each time one writes.

ChildishDaze · 4 Weeks Ago

DogBoy

YOu have set the bar. I was going to release mine till I read yours and relized. I MUST work harder. Well done.

BobIsBob · 4 Weeks Ago

Wow, that was wonderfully written. Well done indeed!

dogboy · 4 Weeks Ago

Again, thanks. Every story has its own personality, whether it's short, long, and I hope others submit. Last year I wrote my 3 paragraph story on turning into a ware wolf for Halloween. I really enjoyed writing it and it got good responses. The beauty is in the creation, and I think it makes Halloween fun.

In retrospect, I've realized that I did lean into the whole Dracula history, and if I shop it around, I may re-write those parts, changing them more to the 5000 year old history of Dorian, though I like the battle field description, and the dark prince silently watching and waiting in his castle. That I would leave in. Obviously, Dorian has a long history. I also had fun slipping in that little bit about him being on a site that he wouldn't want Dougie to see. That of course was adisc...haha. People being on sites that are personal to them, however, is almost universal, so it could be anything.

Unfused... · 4 Weeks Ago

That was amazing. I loved every bit of it. All of the characters were developed perfectly IMO, and the plot was exciting, and not cliche as many vampire stories are

...and i found it really hot as well >.>

dogboy · 4 Weeks Ago

Thanks again. As the story progressed, I found that I really had to hold back on the sexual aspect. I didn't want it to be about sex, but I couldn't help myself in connecting the act of vampirism to the sexual act. It seemed to make it so much more intense. I also could have made the vampire a hot woman, but it wouldn't have the edge.

Making the vampire male, Dorian in this case, created two things. It added an element of scariness, especially if the reader isn't into a same sex relationship. For Mikie, it was unexplored territory, and frightening for him. In the end the reader is left wondering, would he have fallen for Dorian if he hadn't been turned? In the third and final bus ride, the students pick up on part of this feeling. They are terrified by several things, the fact that death is sitting with them, they pick up on his feelings, as he is projecting all that he has experienced and all that he is about to become in this massive release of energy. They can't begin to handle it. It's unnatural and unholy. It's death reaching out and touching them in all that frightens us about death, and that which we don't understand.

Asher · 4 Weeks Ago

Brilliant, my friend; simply brilliant!

dogboy · 4 Weeks Ago

Thanks my good friend. I'm still editing it, just a few words here and there. I hate it when I use the same word twice in close proximity to one another. I've also simplified a few sentences, but there are no big changes. Mom still dies....haha. Don't you love the uncomfortable Oedipal relationship? Nothing like Stephen Kings "Sleep Walkers" however. That was one strange relationship!

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4 Weeks Ago	#11 (permalink)
Cupcake Lemme see your hips swing Donor Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: I'm in LA, trick. Age: 19 Posts: 3,251 Threads: 132 Gallery Uploads: 6 Wiki Edits: 8 Blog Entries: 11 Reputation: 138	"Morning came early, his alarm drilling into his brain, beep beep beep, beep beep beep, like a small jackhammer for mice construction workers. His hand came down hard on the torturous device, jolting him into semi wakefulness." I would like you to take that part out please or make it less descriptive. I am still recovering from waking up yesterday morning.

4 Weeks Ago	#12 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,541 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Haha...isn't that all of us. Can you tell that's exactly what my alarm does around 6:15 every damn morning....groan!

4 Weeks Ago	#13 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,541 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Thanks Dawes. I sent a copy to my old college room mate and he liked it as well. He remarked about the pace, and said the pace added to the darkness. He asked how I did it, and honestly, I don't know. I think it's just my style, in part, how I think. The strangest thing is that Mikie, since I created him, has really gotten under my skin. I think this is what actors talk about when their character becomes them, and it takes days or weeks to shake them after the last performance. Of course, there is a part of Mikie in me, like Stephen King's, "The Dark Half". That's an interesting story, because the protagonist is a writer, writing with his special pencils as I recall. Now that the story is finished, it's like a good friend has left the house and gone back to his home, in another state. I think that all of the books I have read over the years have left their imprint on me, unconsciously. The trick is to re-invent, and be fresh and different each time one writes.

4 Weeks Ago	#14 (permalink)
ChildishDaze Regular Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: what a bad idea Posts: 35 Threads: 4 Reputation: 2	DogBoy YOu have set the bar. I was going to release mine till I read yours and relized. I MUST work harder. Well done.

4 Weeks Ago	#15 (permalink)
BobIsBob Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California Age: 25 Posts: 22 Threads: 2 Reputation: 1	Wow, that was wonderfully written. Well done indeed!

4 Weeks Ago	#16 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,541 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Again, thanks. Every story has its own personality, whether it's short, long, and I hope others submit. Last year I wrote my 3 paragraph story on turning into a ware wolf for Halloween. I really enjoyed writing it and it got good responses. The beauty is in the creation, and I think it makes Halloween fun. In retrospect, I've realized that I did lean into the whole Dracula history, and if I shop it around, I may re-write those parts, changing them more to the 5000 year old history of Dorian, though I like the battle field description, and the dark prince silently watching and waiting in his castle. That I would leave in. Obviously, Dorian has a long history. I also had fun slipping in that little bit about him being on a site that he wouldn't want Dougie to see. That of course was adisc...haha. People being on sites that are personal to them, however, is almost universal, so it could be anything.

4 Weeks Ago	#17 (permalink)
Unfused... Regular Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Florida, United States of America Posts: 170 Threads: 12 Blog Entries: 2 Reputation: 6	That was amazing. I loved every bit of it. All of the characters were developed perfectly IMO, and the plot was exciting, and not cliche as many vampire stories are ...and i found it really hot as well >.>

4 Weeks Ago	#18 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,541 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Thanks again. As the story progressed, I found that I really had to hold back on the sexual aspect. I didn't want it to be about sex, but I couldn't help myself in connecting the act of vampirism to the sexual act. It seemed to make it so much more intense. I also could have made the vampire a hot woman, but it wouldn't have the edge. Making the vampire male, Dorian in this case, created two things. It added an element of scariness, especially if the reader isn't into a same sex relationship. For Mikie, it was unexplored territory, and frightening for him. In the end the reader is left wondering, would he have fallen for Dorian if he hadn't been turned? In the third and final bus ride, the students pick up on part of this feeling. They are terrified by several things, the fact that death is sitting with them, they pick up on his feelings, as he is projecting all that he has experienced and all that he is about to become in this massive release of energy. They can't begin to handle it. It's unnatural and unholy. It's death reaching out and touching them in all that frightens us about death, and that which we don't understand.

4 Weeks Ago	#19 (permalink)
Asher ...Wish You Were Here... Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Las Vegas, NV Age: 18 Posts: 572 Threads: 5 Wiki Edits: 1 Blog Entries: 5 Reputation: 17	Brilliant, my friend; simply brilliant!

4 Weeks Ago	#20 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,541 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Thanks my good friend. I'm still editing it, just a few words here and there. I hate it when I use the same word twice in close proximity to one another. I've also simplified a few sentences, but there are no big changes. Mom still dies....haha. Don't you love the uncomfortable Oedipal relationship? Nothing like Stephen Kings "Sleep Walkers" however. That was one strange relationship!