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Little Tyler · 01-10-2009

First off, i want to point out that this story is not in any way related to *B/Dl ism. In its original form, it is. But this is the version that i turned into the writing competition. Please give me your honest opinions of how good it is!

__________________________

He walks before me, dodging his way through the halls as I follow him silently, as would his shadow, slipping along unnoticed. I don't know what I should say, or even how to start a conversation. He emailed me last night - a strange, terrifying email. I exited the message felling bewildered, confused. Even now, I still am. Stepping into the classroom, the tardy-bell jostles my attention from then back to now, where I see him sitting down for class. I join him under the window, just one seat behind, though the tense air above us puts miles between our desks. I try not to catch his eye whilst pulling out my geometry books. When I raise my eyes from my bag, a folded slip of paper now sits on the edge of my desk. Setting my books down, I take the paper and unfurl it.

"I'm sorry i put that on you last night. .I had to tell...someone, and you're the only person I trust.

-Noah "

Now what do I do? It's not that I don't want to talk to him...I just don't know how. I can't just kid around with him like I normally do. Quietly, I fold the paper up again and slip it into my pocket. The teacher, all the while writing todays assignment, catches my eye and with a knowing look that only a teacher can achieve, lets me know she saw the exchange. I guess she also sees the lifelessness of us both and is going to let the note-passing slide today.

I go to the next few periods silently, even though Noah is not there. The bell rings for lunch. At lunch, I go to the hill on the edge of campus, our spot, hoping he'll be there. He is, along with Stephen... though he's not quite as close as Noah and I. Walking up the hill, Stephen greets me. I nod my head in his direction and lower my bag to the ground.

"Stephen, shouldn't you get your lunch while the line is short?" I ask.

With a perplexed look he nods and leaves. Sitting down beside Noah, seconds tick by in silence - seconds like hours spent searching for words that don't exist; both of us wait for the other to speak. I realize then, the complete stupidity - the complete absurdity of the moment. He's nothing more and nothing less than the Noah I've always known; my friend. I reach out and grab his hand. He turns and faces me. That moment is all that was needed - the moment where our gaze meets. I pull him close in an embrace and he cries silently on my shoulder. For the first time i notice the bruises on his neck and back. For the first time, I see the frailness of his body. For the first time, I understand the dark secret. For the first time, I know the evil of his parents.

TheFoxxehAssassin · 01-10-2009

Hmm...not bad, man. It's a very deep and detailed story; I can already tell by the way you wrote this first chapter.

Good job, I hope to see more.

Also, one other thing. Is it a furry story? I thought I saw some reference to it in there but I can't tell, and I'm too tired to look back. :P

--The Foxxeh Assassin--

babymikey · 01-10-2009

wow i wasnt expecting the ending sounds great

Tygon · 01-10-2009

I like the detail of what's going on inside the main character's head. I honestly thought you had re-written the secret from AB/DL-ism to Noah being gay, so the ending was a surprise.

The only thing I'm left wondering is: why would the main character's first reaction (after hearing Noah was being beat) be avoidance of him? I guess the only reason I'm wondering that is because avoidance wouldn't be my first reaction if I found out that someone I cared about was being beat. But the avoidance makes perfect sense when remembering that the original secret was AB/DL-ism...

Mouse · 01-10-2009

*Clap Clap*
Very good. I'm impressed

**masshole2006** · 5 Days Ago

Interesting story. I didn't expect the ending to be like that.

Little Tyler · 4 Days Ago

Wow ^^ this got some more hits. That was unnexpected.

dogboy · 4 Days Ago

Nicely done Little T. I too like the ending. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions, which will make the reader turn the pages. Everyone likes a good mystery, and when you think about it, almost every story has a mystery, some unanswered "what happens next"?

As a matter of technique, you have the words lunch following each other closely. I usually try to find another word for one of the two repeating words. I also think there is a misspelling. Your story is good enough that I'm taking the time to point them out, because you could be a very good writer in a few years, meaning published.

I have since edited "Going Home" many times since I posted it to adisc. I too have changed a lot of "same" words that are in close proximity. It's just a thing that bugs me. It's part of what H3g3l would call word smithing, looking for other words to say the same thing.

Anyway, Tygon asks an intriguing question, is this an ab/dl story, or a love story, or both. I know, we'll just have to wait to find out. You know, Dickens wrote his stories in installments.

01-10-2009	#1 (permalink)
Little Tyler Regular Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Florida, USA Age: 16 Posts: 262 Threads: 19 Gallery Uploads: 4 Reputation: 8	Email First off, i want to point out that this story is not in any way related to *B/Dl ism. In its original form, it is. But this is the version that i turned into the writing competition. Please give me your honest opinions of how good it is! __________________________ He walks before me, dodging his way through the halls as I follow him silently, as would his shadow, slipping along unnoticed. I don't know what I should say, or even how to start a conversation. He emailed me last night - a strange, terrifying email. I exited the message felling bewildered, confused. Even now, I still am. Stepping into the classroom, the tardy-bell jostles my attention from then back to now, where I see him sitting down for class. I join him under the window, just one seat behind, though the tense air above us puts miles between our desks. I try not to catch his eye whilst pulling out my geometry books. When I raise my eyes from my bag, a folded slip of paper now sits on the edge of my desk. Setting my books down, I take the paper and unfurl it. "I'm sorry i put that on you last night. .I had to tell...someone, and you're the only person I trust. -Noah " Now what do I do? It's not that I don't want to talk to him...I just don't know how. I can't just kid around with him like I normally do. Quietly, I fold the paper up again and slip it into my pocket. The teacher, all the while writing todays assignment, catches my eye and with a knowing look that only a teacher can achieve, lets me know she saw the exchange. I guess she also sees the lifelessness of us both and is going to let the note-passing slide today. I go to the next few periods silently, even though Noah is not there. The bell rings for lunch. At lunch, I go to the hill on the edge of campus, our spot, hoping he'll be there. He is, along with Stephen... though he's not quite as close as Noah and I. Walking up the hill, Stephen greets me. I nod my head in his direction and lower my bag to the ground. "Stephen, shouldn't you get your lunch while the line is short?" I ask. With a perplexed look he nods and leaves. Sitting down beside Noah, seconds tick by in silence - seconds like hours spent searching for words that don't exist; both of us wait for the other to speak. I realize then, the complete stupidity - the complete absurdity of the moment. He's nothing more and nothing less than the Noah I've always known; my friend. I reach out and grab his hand. He turns and faces me. That moment is all that was needed - the moment where our gaze meets. I pull him close in an embrace and he cries silently on my shoulder. For the first time i notice the bruises on his neck and back. For the first time, I see the frailness of his body. For the first time, I understand the dark secret. For the first time, I know the evil of his parents.

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01-10-2009	#2 (permalink)
TheFoxxehAssassin Cute 'lil fox! Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Houston, Texas, USA Age: 14 Posts: 992 Threads: 36 Gallery Uploads: 5 Blog Entries: 12 Reputation: 29	Hmm...not bad, man. It's a very deep and detailed story; I can already tell by the way you wrote this first chapter. Good job, I hope to see more. Also, one other thing. Is it a furry story? I thought I saw some reference to it in there but I can't tell, and I'm too tired to look back. :P --The Foxxeh Assassin--

01-10-2009	#3 (permalink)
babymikey Regular Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: usa Posts: 132 Threads: 8 Gallery Uploads: 2 Reputation: 1	wow i wasnt expecting the ending sounds great

01-10-2009	#4 (permalink)
Tygon VIP Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Up North, USA Age: 23 Posts: 233 Threads: 11 Gallery Uploads: 1 Reputation: 13	I like the detail of what's going on inside the main character's head. I honestly thought you had re-written the secret from AB/DL-ism to Noah being gay, so the ending was a surprise. The only thing I'm left wondering is: why would the main character's first reaction (after hearing Noah was being beat) be avoidance of him? I guess the only reason I'm wondering that is because avoidance wouldn't be my first reaction if I found out that someone I cared about was being beat. But the avoidance makes perfect sense when remembering that the original secret was AB/DL-ism...

01-10-2009	#5 (permalink)
Mouse Regular Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Ireland Posts: 28 Threads: 4 Reputation: 0	Clap Clap Very good. I'm impressed

5 Days Ago	#6 (permalink)
masshole2006 Newbie Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Mass, USA Posts: 12 Threads: 0 Reputation: 0	Interesting story. I didn't expect the ending to be like that.

4 Days Ago	#7 (permalink)
Little Tyler Regular Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Florida, USA Age: 16 Posts: 262 Threads: 19 Gallery Uploads: 4 Reputation: 8	Wow ^^ this got some more hits. That was unnexpected.

4 Days Ago	#8 (permalink)
dogboy VIP Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Virginia, USA Posts: 2,538 Threads: 6 Reputation: 123	Nicely done Little T. I too like the ending. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions, which will make the reader turn the pages. Everyone likes a good mystery, and when you think about it, almost every story has a mystery, some unanswered "what happens next"? As a matter of technique, you have the words lunch following each other closely. I usually try to find another word for one of the two repeating words. I also think there is a misspelling. Your story is good enough that I'm taking the time to point them out, because you could be a very good writer in a few years, meaning published. I have since edited "Going Home" many times since I posted it to adisc. I too have changed a lot of "same" words that are in close proximity. It's just a thing that bugs me. It's part of what H3g3l would call word smithing, looking for other words to say the same thing. Anyway, Tygon asks an intriguing question, is this an ab/dl story, or a love story, or both. I know, we'll just have to wait to find out. You know, Dickens wrote his stories in installments.